Petticoats and cuddles Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 My boyfriend of about a week is getting very... affectionate. He keeps touching me a lot, I've talked to him about this since my last date with him, but I'm actually quite anxious about next date to see if he takes this into account. Only today does he understand what I mean by asexual because he was making sexual jokes to me, but they are making me slightly uncomfortable. What do you lot suggest? Link to post Share on other sites
Sinead Buckley Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Tell him to back off. Even for a sexual person, making a move only in the first week of dating isn't exactly classy. you need to be firm and tell him outright that you don't like it. if you just keep shaking him off without being clear in your rejection he'll keep trying until you give in. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Sakurastar Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 See how this date goes. If he continues, it is clear he isn't getting the message. It may be worth having a proper talk explaining that you won't change and that if he feels that he needs sex, it may not be the relationship for you both. Link to post Share on other sites
b88 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I can really relate to being anxious about going to see someone you're dating when you're afraid they're going to push you to do things you're not comfortable with. Honestly whether you're sexual or not it makes no difference - your boundaries should always be respected! If you ever feel like they aren't, then I would question whether being in a relationship with this person is right for you. No one should make you feel uncomfortable like that, especially when you've already asked them to stop :)I was in a similar situation recently, and I told him what I was okay with, and what I wasn't. In the end we decided to just be friends as we both wanted different things, and didn't want there to be any pressure or resentment on either side. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Lady.Lizard Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you've only been together a week, I'd say now is the crucial time to let him know exactly how you feel. Being in a relationship with a sexual person as an ace is a delicate thing to get right, and the only way that is going to happen is if you are brutally honest with him. Sit him down, make him listen and explain to him how you feel, what is ok...and what isn't. Once you have set those limits, they should be respected. If the relationship carries on and is strong, honest and fulfilling, then you may find that those boundary lines shirt and change with the relationship. But that is for another time. You first have to help him understand what it is to be you. Only then can you two work on your relationship and make it strong and enjoyable. If it turns out he cannot deal with that, then maybe he's not quite what you are looking for and you can remain friends. p.s. Sexual-Ace relationships are possible, trust me. I'm in one :) Any questions, feel free to email :) Link to post Share on other sites
Jamesasaur Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 If you have only been together for a week then you should discuss how fast you want the relationship to go and what you want out of it. You could sit him down and explain asexuality to him so he understands. If all else fails then you could taze him in the genitals if he gets too touchy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ziggy_G Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 As much as I wish there was a different solution, communication always seems to be the solution to these things. Clearly stating what you are and aren't comfortable with and repeating this as needed until it really sticks in his head. Good communication early on is the key to any happy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Aisntllecxtual Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I would advise you on this next date to be together during the daytime. I would try not to be out of sight of other people. I certainly would not be together with him alone in a room. It could be that he doesn't understand what you are telling him, or, far more likely, he doesn't want to hear what you are saying. In this almost certain latter case, there is great risk that he will continue in this forceful vein and where it could eventually lead... it has great potential to go beyond unwanted uncomfortable touching - violations more intimate. I am speaking to you from personal experience. I wish you to be careful - take precautions. As far as communicating with him, you must be clear that what has happened up to now has been unacceptable and why it makes you feel uncomfortable: I, in essence, defer to the posts above in interacting with him, in setting the parameters to stop what seems up to now to have been an ignoring of your boundaries, of putting an end to his disrespectful neglectful behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Petticoats and cuddles Posted November 2, 2014 Author Share Posted November 2, 2014 Thank you all who replied, I have taken your words into account, especially Aisntiiecxtual. I'm giving you an update of the next date planned: I will have a study date on the 12th, at a public library. If needs be, I can pull the valid excuse that I need to study should he get to personal. During this time I will also talk to him about cans and can't, I'm slowly adding things that I do and don't like into conversation such as I don't like kissing and tickling but cuddles and racing/competitions are good. Link to post Share on other sites
Fire & Rain Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 My partner is very far form being pushy but even so I can sympathize with how you're feeling. In my case I feel like I owe them to be affectionate and it used to scare me before our dates. I agree with other posts on here. Communicate. Tell him openly and honestly about how you feel. He might have thought "you just need time to warm up" when you talked about it. He might also be in denial about it like "I could change your mind if I did this." Try to include that not only it makes you uncomfortable now but it will also continue to make you (maybe even more) uncomfortable in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
lunadoon Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 My partner is very far form being pushy but even so I can sympathize with how you're feeling. In my case I feel like I owe them to be affectionate and it used to scare me before our dates. I agree with other posts on here. Communicate. Tell him openly and honestly about how you feel. He might have thought "you just need time to warm up" when you talked about it. He might also be in denial about it like "I could change your mind if I did this." Try to include that not only it makes you uncomfortable now but it will also continue to make you (maybe even more) uncomfortable in the future. I can really relate to feeling like I owe my dude to be affectionate (even though he's not at all pushy), and it scaring me a bit before our dates. What did you do? In my case, I'm quite fond of this guy, I adore him, but certain things like open-mouthed kissing and anything more sexual than that I want to know I'm not obligated to do to keep our relationship. It's not that they're never ok, but I'd rather be asked in some form or fashion beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
Fire & Rain Posted November 2, 2014 Share Posted November 2, 2014 My partner is very far form being pushy but even so I can sympathize with how you're feeling. In my case I feel like I owe them to be affectionate and it used to scare me before our dates. I agree with other posts on here. Communicate. Tell him openly and honestly about how you feel. He might have thought "you just need time to warm up" when you talked about it. He might also be in denial about it like "I could change your mind if I did this." Try to include that not only it makes you uncomfortable now but it will also continue to make you (maybe even more) uncomfortable in the future. I can really relate to feeling like I owe my dude to be affectionate (even though he's not at all pushy), and it scaring me a bit before our dates. What did you do? In my case, I'm quite fond of this guy, I adore him, but certain things like open-mouthed kissing and anything more sexual than that I want to know I'm not obligated to do to keep our relationship. It's not that they're never ok, but I'd rather be asked in some form or fashion beforehand. We came up with a safeword so if I get uncomfortable, I can just say it or tell him that I need to be left alone for a while. He's very understanding and he asks me if I'm ok with it before and after lol trying anything new to us. You should try it too. It's very helpful. Just let them know that you getting uncomfortable is not a sign of disgust or anything like that. It's just who you are, you can't help it and you're fond of them. I'm demisensual so the more we spend our time together, the more I feel sensually attracted towards him. I still don't do that open-mouthed kissing and probably never will. Maybe you should also mention to your partner about the things you're open to or might possibly try in the future and the things that are completely off the table. Good luck :) Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.