Jump to content

asexuality and sex


punkpancake

Recommended Posts

I'm asexual but sometimes i worry im not because i have a high sex drive and enjoy sex with a partner but i never experience sexual attraction to that partner only arousal because of their actions what do you guys think

Link to post
Share on other sites

I always just felt awkward because most of what I've seen of asexuality up to this point had been "I don't experience sexual attraction I don't want sex" and then sexual people were like " oh i totally have sex with them" and i felt awkward being like I want sex and I like sex but i never look at someone and go "I want to have sex with them"

Link to post
Share on other sites

Libido/sex drive doesn't equal orientation. : ) Many asexuals have a high libido! And some can even enjoy sex. Arousal is also separate. It's a physical response that usually can't be controlled. Arousal is caused by stimuli (physical touching, visuals, words, imagination etc.), which is separate from actually feeling sexual attraction. So yeah, anyhoo, you can still be ace. : ) Keep looking around the forum...you'll find others that can relate and perhaps explain a bit better than me lol. Best wishes!

Link to post
Share on other sites

I always just felt awkward because most of what I've seen of asexuality up to this point had been "I don't experience sexual attraction I don't want sex" and then sexual people were like " oh i totally have sex with them" and i felt awkward being like I want sex and I like sex but i never look at someone and go "I want to have sex with them"

That's basically how I feel. Don't worry :) You're not alone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am asexual and I don't care for sex, but I know that is not what defines my asexuality, what defines my asexuality is my lack of sexual attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are certainly not alone. it sometimes seems like the majority of AVEN is made up by people who in fact do want sex because they enjoy it.

I sometimes I start feeling like the odd one out on AVEN because I literally have no desire for partnered sex, despite having a libido and masturbating etc..and I don't enjoy sex when I do have it, even if I am aroused and want to be sensually intimate with the person who is having sex with me.. I enjoy sensual activity (when in love) but sex itself is..it's boring, uncomfortable, weird (like.. having my body invaded by another person.. it would be like if someone started doing sexual things to my ear.. trying to stick parts of themselves in it, licking it to try and make me feel good *shudder* an ear is just not made for that sort of carry on, and my genitals seem to feel the same as my ear does about it haha) .. I'm not sex repulsed or anti sex or anything, I just literally have no enjoyment of partnered sex when it happens to me.. how can I enjoy something I do not desire? how can I desire something I have no enjoyment of? I know I don't want anyone trying to stick their ..ahem.. in my ear or up my nose. I also know (in exactly the same way) I don't want them sticking it inside my genitals.. or licking them.. or anything like that. I know what it feels like and it feels.. ugh. I guess I just don't have the right connections in my brain or something haha.. maybe some people have extra wiring that I'm missing.. that's honestly what it feels like sometimes! despite all that though, I find certain people arousing, and think about them when I masturbate to help me reach orgasm (if I didn't think about anyone I'd never get there and that would make masturbation even more boring haha. Because of this last fact, I have been told on AVEN a few times that I must nit be asexual, because asexuality is not about whether or not you have sex, it's about 'sexual attraction'.. so I must be celibate, not asexual..

however..

AVEN itself defines sexual attraction as "the desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else, to share ones sexuality with them" which is why some people who identify as asexual are like ..what? when people say they love sex but don't feel sexual attraction.. sexual attraction and wanting sex seem at face value to come hand in hand..I guess it's just a confusion in wording? there is a difference between actually desiring to share your sexuality with someone,like.. desiring partnered sex because you feel you NEED it to be satisfied.. and just doing it because you enjoy the way it feels? I think? heh.. confusing much!

I guess it's also confusing because (many) sexual people love sex! they get together, get aroused by each other's actions, and have sex..?? I guess to many people this is the fundamental difference between sexuals and asexuals.. because its not like a sexual is someone who ONLY feels sexual attraction but never wants sex, the fact that they are sexual is *because* they have sex.. if they only felt sexual attraction but never wanted or enjoyed sex, despite having a libido.. well.. what does that make their sexual attraction then? because it's the sex itself that defines them as sexual.. people say "a homosexual is sexually attracted to members of the same gender as themselves" what that actually means is that a homosexual man enjoys sex with men, right? because if he was just aroused by men but never desired sex with them (or with anyone else) despite having a libido,then that wouldn't exactly be sexual attraction. it would just be someone who finds men a turn on but doesn't want sex with them..? So it's the sex itself that makes him homosexual, not who or what he is turned on by.

Anyway, just trying to explain why I think people get confused sometimes! they see someone say "I love and want sex" they automatically think "sexual" because sexuality is all about wanting and enjoying sex with people of a certain gender/genders who match a person's aesthetic preferences or are close friends or are in a relationship the person in question (not all sexuals need to be in a relationship or even find the other person aesthetically pleasing to want and enjoy sex with them)

I think there are just two vastly different type of asexual (ones who enjoy and want sex and ones who dont enjoy or want it) and even though it can be hard to understand each other at times, as long as we can all get along, that's what matters
:)

Link to post
Share on other sites

it sometimes seems like the majority of AVEN is made up by people who in fact do want sex because they enjoy it.

I don't think so. Watching the forums, and going from polls that pop up time and again, I estimate that at least 40% of folks here are sex-repulsed (and thus, obviously neither want nor enjoy sex); and of the other at most 60% of non-repulsed people, not all enjoy sex. I'd be surprised if the number of AVENites who'd say that they enjoy sex was any higher than 20%. It's definitely a minority.

Anyway, neither arousal, nor libido, nor repulsion, nor having sex, nor enjoyment of sex are criteria innately tied to asexuality. The lack of innate desire for partnered sex is the only actual deciding factor.

Link to post
Share on other sites

it sometimes seems like the majority of AVEN is made up by people who in fact do want sex because they enjoy it.

I don't think so. Watching the forums, and going from polls that pop up time and again, I estimate that at least 40% of folks here are sex-repulsed (and thus, obviously neither want nor enjoy sex); and of the other at most 60% of non-repulsed people, not all enjoy sex. I'd be surprised if the number of AVENites who'd say that they enjoy sex was any higher than 20%. It's definitely a minority.

Anyway, neither arousal, nor libido, nor repulsion, nor having sex, nor enjoyment of sex are criteria innately tied to asexuality. The lack of innate desire for partnered sex is the only actual deciding factor.

heh I just meant that I totally do feel like the odd one out sometimes :P it truly does seem to me that there are so many people who enjoy sex, it makes me feel like a weirdo, if I'm to be honest. like.. wow even so many asexuals seem to enjoy sex, there must be something uber-wrong with me heh. I know that's not the way it is but.. argh.. my asexuality would have been a lot easier to deal with if I could have at least enjoyed sex. I would give sex, because I knew it was wanted, but it would make my ex so angry knowing I wasn't enjoying it.. I just couldn't enjoy something that felt so.. innately wrong to me.. all the sensations were wrong, uncomfortable, boring at best! unbearable at worst... like I said, if someone wanted to do sexual things to my ear, it felt like that would feel.. like.. those things aren't meant to happen in that place...I could never have enjoyed something that made me feel that way, just so wrong.. it didn't make a difference if I was aroused or not. I just don't have whatever it is in there that makes partnered sex feel good for people I guess.

So yeah, sometimes I feel like a complete alien amongst an entire world of people .. who are more human,if that makes sense. heh.

and yes I do agree, it's the lack innate desire for partnered sex that makes someone asexual. whether they enjoy partnered or not doesn't make a difference.. life would have just been so much easier if I could have been one of the ones who actually enjoy it heh

*depressed*

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think often when asexuals on AVEN say they enjoy sex, what they enjoy is the feeling that they are doing something that pleases their partner.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think often when asexuals on AVEN say they enjoy sex, what they enjoy is the feeling that they are doing something that pleases their partner.

Yes I thought that too, and I think in many cases that is true! it just so happens that everyone I end up actually talking about this with say things like ''well, it's a mutual thing. I have sex because I enjoy the feelings of it more than masturbation, plus there is the bonus of making someone else feel good as well. I would rather have sex, than not have it, because without it I'd be missing that whole shared intimacy thing.. I just don't feel sexual attraction''

...just seems things would have been a lot less complicated if I could have felt that way heh *jelly much*

Link to post
Share on other sites

and yes I do agree, it's the lack innate desire for partnered sex that makes someone asexual. whether they enjoy partnered or not doesn't make a difference.. life would have just been so much easier if I could have been one of the ones who actually enjoy it heh

*depressed*

You're fine the way you are, Ficto. :) :cake:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I always just felt awkward because most of what I've seen of asexuality up to this point had been "I don't experience sexual attraction I don't want sex" and then sexual people were like " oh i totally have sex with them" and i felt awkward being like I want sex and I like sex but i never look at someone and go "I want to have sex with them"

You know there was a thread on here somewhere called, does anyone not actually mind sex? But I don't know in what forum, anyone else know? I never look at anyone and go I want to have sex with them either...

*hugs* to everyone..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Spectre/Ex/Machina

I can relate to loving sex but not being attracted to people, to me you don't need attraction to dig da sex. It's just nerve endings and strategic stimuli in the end, and if your me, alot of psychology.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think often when asexuals on AVEN say they enjoy sex, what they enjoy is the feeling that they are doing something that pleases their partner.

Yes I thought that too, and I think in many cases that is true! it just so happens that everyone I end up actually talking about this with say things like ''well, it's a mutual thing. I have sex because I enjoy the feelings of it more than masturbation, plus there is the bonus of making someone else feel good as well. I would rather have sex, than not have it, because without it I'd be missing that whole shared intimacy thing.. I just don't feel sexual attraction''

...just seems things would have been a lot less complicated if I could have felt that way heh *jelly much*

I still prefer masturbation more (a lot more lol) even though I enjoy sex. I only seem to enjoy it because I feel emotionally closer to my partner but I can get that through cuddling and other stuff too. Sometimes I also think that things would have been simpler if I felt the way you described in the quote :) So you're not alone :P

Link to post
Share on other sites

I always just felt awkward because most of what I've seen of asexuality up to this point had been "I don't experience sexual attraction I don't want sex" and then sexual people were like " oh i totally have sex with them" and i felt awkward being like I want sex and I like sex but i never look at someone and go "I want to have sex with them"

You know there was a thread on here somewhere called, does anyone not actually mind sex? But I don't know in what forum, anyone else know? I never look at anyone and go I want to have sex with them either...

*hugs* to everyone..

:P that thread is in this forum - Asexual Q&A. It is a pinned thread, so some people might miss it if they've already read through it and no one has added a reply since that time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread. Soooo much.

For a while I bounced from ace, to grey-a, to demi, and eventually back to ace because I realized I don't experience sexual attraction upon getting close to someone, I just become open to a romantic/sexual relationship, but it's still really difficult to explain what I'm even getting out of sex considering I have no libido to speak of. I'm just really romantic I guess, haha. It can get really frustrating and sometimes I wish my sexuality was easier to explain. Sexuals and asexuals alike seem to have a hard time getting their heads around it, haha. Asexuals who like sex = definitely a minority.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ricecream-man

Hmm. So just wondering. If like the OP said it's just a matter of stimulation is masturbating just as nice for those of you who feel similarly? Since it seems like you all are talking about non romantic sex

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am currently facing a similar dilemma because in my situation I simply cannot tell if I'm attracted to the person himself or to other things that are particular to that person. I met this man thru a kink website and that's how the relationship started out, and I know for sure that the kinks we shared do turn me on. But I have no way of knowing if I would have become attracted to him without that aspect being present. I ID as grey-a, so being attracted to someone once in a blue moon isn't totally out of the ordinary for me, but I have always considered myself to be at least somewhat asexual due to the fact that it hardly ever happens. He thinks I'm attracted to him and he can't understand how I could be even a little asexual, but I simply don't know. So yeah, once you throw sexual activity into the mix, especially if you enjoy any of it, and what might be construed as an attraction, that really does muddy the waters quite a bit.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...