Self - Reanalysis [possible triggers; not sure, tagging to be considerate]

[liketonybutwithanE]

Hello, wonderful people!

I have recently come into a group of friends that have made me want to further analyze my own sexuality. They are great people who make me laugh and we share the same interests and we all can goof off together and they themselves range far and wide on the sexuality scale. But questions they've asked regarding my sexuality have had me stumped. I feel wrong and rude just up and blurting out "It's none of your business," because it's not said to be hurtful but just to clarify and to show interest.

I have never had an actual sexual or physical relationship in my life. Yes, I've had (extremely tame) fantasies and watched porn (what teenager hasn't?) and I do have the appropriate physiological response to arousal, but they never revolve around the actually "sex act." I feel wrong in my skin (and to be honest, little skived out) when I think about myself having sex with another person, sort of like my pleasure is nonexistent because of all the anxiety (thinking about the other individual's pleasure, what they are thinking about, am I doing something wrong?) I have in correlation to my partner's pleasure and how I am affecting that outcome and it just becomes too much and I give up before even trying.

Back to the never having had a fully fledged (all out, with all the trimmings) sexual relationship. I've had friends were interested, but I've only had one pseudo-relationship and that was with a man. I was almost 20 at the time (he being 26) and he casually invited me to "hang out" (yes, my naiveté was shockingly apparent, huh? I thought that was all he wanted.) and I was excited! This guy was great, we had near identical taste in film and literature and he was funny and smart. About 15 minutes into the movie, he tapped my shoulder and patted the section of the sofa closed to him and I was fricking over the moon. Free cuddles, man! Then everything kinda went sideways. Needless to say, he was under the impression that this was a sexual thing (and I didn't tell him any different, so it's technically my fault) and I let him do what he wanted until I became extremely uncomfortable then I ended the relationship. I haven't tried again with anyone that I know doesn't know I am not in it for the sex, so that mostly leaves my younger cousins and household pets (they never complain!).

I must be rambling by now, but I promise I have a point. I would just like some outside input on what I'm feeling/have described. I know/can tell you when a man or a woman is attractive (in my opinion); I have my own preferences in regards to aesthetics but not necessarily just physical features (I admire my friend R***'s eye color; other friend, H*****'s, calm devil-may-care attitude, but I find that certain bodily movements catch my eye as well, an example being my university's archery team captain's, P***, stance when he draws his bow and certain random muscle movements.) I love to cuddle but generally dislike being touched casually by people I have little to no personal history with but I don't like kissing (to me it's kinda boring, my mind just wanders and I'm left reciting my high school Spanish vocabulary.) When I choose to invest time and intimacy with someone, I put the full force behind it.

I truly would appreciate any opinions or thoughts. And if anything is jumbled or completely incomprehensible, I will gladly try to explain it. Thank you!

[Zapstileon]

First of all, welcome comrade! It's great that you're discovering yourself, so ramble all you want! :)

I would suggest you look into Demi-sexuality and Gray-asexuality. You may also look into sensual and/ or aesthetic attraction as a possibility. Also have a topic from 2009 on sensual attraction, just as a reference. :)

Hope this helps at all. Good luck on your quest!

[butterflydreams]

It sounds like you have some anxieties about sex in general. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm in my 20s, never had a sexual relationship, and even I have lots of the same anxieties about it as you. They are what they are, and it's ok to feel that way. The best thing you can do is let yourself feel how you feel. I know that must sound like some hand-wavy hippie BS, but it's actually kind of hard to do sometimes. Especially when you're trying to figure yourself out.

So I'd say read things online, talk to people here (they're soooo friendly!), talk to friends (if you're comfortable), talk to adults and mentors. I know it might feel like it'll never become clear, but it will. It's a fun, one-of-a-kind journey. Enjoy it!

[yellow]

Welcome to Aven. There's lots of support and understanding people here!

[WünderBâhr]

I've seen some people mention that they've used the term "non-sexual" whenever having to describe their 'sexuality' to others. I think that, had I known it was a thing when I was younger, I would have been comfortable with that while still figuring out all this asexuality business. :P

I think what the above posters have pointed out are pretty much on the mark for what I would have linked or directed you to. Take your time, read through the forums, and see how you feel. For me, it was just a matter of time passing by and experiences guiding me in combination with the information and connections I made on AVEN to understand what asexuality meant and how that affected my life. Perhaps it will occur the same way for you. Either way, here is your welcome !

Oh, and just a personal note:

Needless to say, he was under the impression that this was a sexual thing (and I didn't tell him any different, so it's technically my fault) and I let him do what he wanted until I became extremely uncomfortable then I ended the relationship.

I disagree. Sure, he didn't have all of the information, but he had the capacity to not think it would lead to sex just as much as he assumed it would. I had similar misunderstandings happen to me, so I can relate to that naiveté. But while I was confused, there was a part of me that also knew that wanting to be close to someone without it having to lead to sexual encounters of any kind was a good thing that didn't need to be a 'fault' because I wasn't explicit in what was not okay. It's not okay to punch me in the face, but I don't think I need to (or should have to) tell people that for them to know that shouldn't happen. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with sex for the people who want it. But just because they want it, doesn't mean they should assume they're going to get it; especially from me. In that respect, I disagree that the fault rested on you because you didn't tell him not to try to sex you up, even when you said okay to a cuddle.