Anyone know anything about love?

[Starry Night]

This might seem like a strange question... and I'm not even sure if it belongs in this forum, but I wasn't sure where to put it. So here I am.

I know that there are all these different kinds of love... and that there are also different kinds of attraction.

I can tell you what love is to me, but it seems that I have a different definition for love than most people... so I was wondering if it was an asexual thing.

I have a lot of love for a lot of people, but I've never been IN LOVE.... I guess. I mean, people say that it's different. But why? Why do people get so excited about it? Is it supposed to be better than love of other friends and family? Is it just because of the sexual or romantic attraction involved?

Because my love for some people, in an emotional sense, tends to be pretty consuming at times. And I can't imagine loving anyone more than these people.

Or is what I'm thinking about more having to do with infatuation? My mom tells me that what I see with most teenagers is just infatuation, even though it can eventually turn into real love. But that romantic relationships often just start out as the most important thing in the universe because of that.

I'm not even making any sense... am I? One of my best friends thinks he's found the love of his life, and right now he's letting everything else take second priority to her... including his grades, his friendships, everything. I guess that's my issue. I'm trying to understand why he's acting this way, and my mom and I just keep saying he's an idiot... which he is... but I still don't understand at all... and it's driving me nuts.

Does anyone have any ideas or know anything about this stuff?

[Boo Cat]

I've been confused about this as well. I asked my brother why people say you shouldn't date your friends, because if you're already friends shouldn't the relationship work out nicely? It bewildered me when he said, "It's different." Now, I know there's some kind of difference between "just friends" and a couple, but I can't understand it myself. Other than kissing and stuff, it seems like it's fairly similar.The more I think about it the more confused I get! Love, to me, is just a deep emotional connection with another person. But I can't fathom how some of those connections are so different. Maybe I'll know one day, or maybe not. I could be aromantic for all I know. I honestly don't know if I've ever had romantic feelings for anyone. Gosh... love is really hard to figure out! -_-

[Sally]

The "kissing and stuff" is pretty complex and important to sexuals. You don't have to understand it; just accept that it is.

[AceInhibitor]

Platonic love? Heaps. Infatuation? A bit. Actually being in love with someone? I have absolutely no idea. It's honestly taken me until about 2 weeks ago to realise that I could potentially fall in love with someone without wanting to have sex with them, I always assumed before that if I didn't want to sleep with them, I didn't care for them enough. So now I don't know. I have lots of people in my life I care for very much. But nobody I would want to spend all my time with and forsake everything else for, so if that's the definition of being in love, it isn't for me.

[Starry Night]

Well... and my issue is, in response to Sally2, a part of me knows that I'm probably just thinking about it too hard and that there's no way to really understand it logically. For me, love is very emotional. It can be physical, too, but never in a sexual way. In some way, I know that I'm attracted to men... romantically, maybe. I know that I feel attraction to men in a different way than women, but I have no relationship experience, and sex just creeps me out. Cat's Choice, I see exactly what you mean. I know from what people have said that dating friends is a bad idea, but I never understood why, really. If I already have a strong bond with someone, what difference does it make? But... I guess when you add sex to it jealousy and other issues come into play... I don't know.

And there are also those people who think they need to be in a relationship to be happy... which, my mom told me is often a self-esteem issue. The thing is, I get the desire for partnership, but I could satisfy that desire with many of the people in my life, without any sexual or romantic involvement. At the same time, if it was possible, I would love to find my soul mate to share my life with... but I don't feel like I need that. Actually, I would be perfectly happy after I got out of college to move back in with my mom or go live with my dearest friend, where we could support one another and keep our dog and our two kitties around. I mean, who needs a "relationship" if you have loving friends and family?

[FiddleKid]

I don't understand love and all the stuff that comes with it like all the looking into each others eyes and stuff it's beyond me

[jksummer]

Your mother sounds right to me, saying that it is an infatuation. Most sexual people will distinguish between loving someone and being in love with someone, and place a high value on being in love. If you watch some of the standard TV shows, you might hear someone who is thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend say something like "I love him, but I'm not in love with him." I understand being in love as an extreme infatuation, or romantic attraction, which with sexual people will be linked to sexual attraction or desire. There is probably a physiological reaction, somewhat like taking a drug. And people can act like fools in this state. Not for nothing is it said that love is a drug. And this is probably the difference referred to earlier.

I've also heard that dating friends is a bad idea (I agree with your thoughts on the matter, but...). I have a couple of takes on that. The first is that if one wants something more intimate and the other doesn't, then that relationship will most likely end, and most people want to keep the friendship. The other is simply that sexual people want to date people that they are sexually attracted to. If you are a friend, then they probably aren't thusly attracted to you. If the attraction comes a little slower, as with a demi, sexual people may not trust it. To them love and sex are intertwined. And the earlier that the infatuation/attraction occurs, the stronger it tends to be. Somewhat paradoxically, at least to me, it seems easier for sexual people to begin a sexual relationship with someone they scarcely know rather than with someone they know well. Not for all of them, of course, but it seems to hold in the main.

So there's probably no way for us to really understand it.

[Fire & Rain]

Love is purely emotional for me. Sometimes it can lead to sensual things. I avoid using the term "falling in love" because I think it implies romantic love. I don't think I could love someone romantically but my love is very deep, intense and infinite. I don't limit it or put a label on it. It's just love and to me and each love I feel for each person in my life is unique. I can love more than one person at a time and the more I feel emotionally closer to that person, the greater the love that I feel towards them. Love is also something that grows over time. I consider it infatuation if it's too sudden and intense. I mean I love my romantic (lol or something along the lines of it) partner very deeply but they don't get a free pass to the top of my loved ones list. I will not choose him over my family. I need more time and emotional bonding before I decide to put him on par with my loved ones.

[Raine14]

Since a lot of people have brought their experiences and philosophies to the table, I'm going to crack open the textbooks -- and because I am studying Marriage and Family Therapy right now, I've got a lot of textbooks. Feel free to skip (as I know I can delve into lecture mode), but you might find it interesting. This is the best information I've ever found on what drives sex.

Helen Fisher, an anthropologist (aka, scientist who studies cultures), divided the umbrella term of "romance" into phases: lust, romantic love, and attachment. From what I'm learning from my experiences and everyone else's here on AVEN, as asexuals, we don't experience lust. Lust is basic, biological horniness, the craving for sexual gratification, and has something to do with testosterone and estrogen levels, both neurochemicals, in the body. Romantic love is described as infatuation (this is where some asexuals also profess being aromantic) which is expressed through what I call the "homing device," meaning the object of your affections enters the room and you know exactly where they are and what they are doing at all times, and obsessive thoughts/stalking, such as wondering what your love is doing at that moment, spying on their Facebook page, or driving past their workplace just to leave little love notes on their windshield. Romantic love also has a bunch of neurochemicals associated with it: dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin.

According to Fisher, lust and romantic love are interchangeable, meaning that one doesn't have to come before the other, they can happen simultaneously, or one without the other. One night stands? Lust without romantic love. Falling for your best friend? Romantic love (probably with budding lust, at least in the general population).

Then you come to attachment. I have to admit, when I was a kid envisioning the ideal married life, I was envisioning attachment. Not lust. Not romantic love (although that eventually began worming itself into the picture about adolescence). Attachment cannot happen with lust and romantic love. The neurochemicals involved (oxytocin and vasopressin) will actually suppress the lust and romantic chemicals. Why? Our bodies cannot sustain that kind of energy for too long. It's exhausting. Attachment is associated with secure unions with long-term partners -- kind of like a safe base in a game of tag, where you can stop and rest and laugh, and when feeling better, rush out to keep playing.

From everything I've been reading on AVEN, it seems to me that a lot of asexuals really want that long-term attachment. Some also want or wouldn't mind the romantic love at the beginning either. And if I had to pick a difference between friendship and long-term attachment figures, it would be the oxytocin (aka the "cuddle hormone"). Whether that's true or not, I know in my experience I don't get that cuddly sensation of safety with friends that I get from family or my current boyfriend. To go back to that game of tag, it's like friendship is a safe base with a timer. I can only stay so long. But long-term attachment is a safe base without a timer. I can stay as long as I like and I know won't get kicked out.

[Starry Night]

Raine14, wow, you certainly did your research! That's really interesting. I guess that's just about as technical as you can get with it. And I agree with your statement about long-term attachment... that's, more or less what I want as well. Although, I do have some friends who I am extremely close to. At least, on an emotional level. I also enjoy physical intimacy, depending on the person.

I guess, romantic love is just so strange to me. All the mushy gushy stuff... all the, "You're the only one who gets me," and "I could never live without you..." And obviously you explained all that on a technical level.

But at the same time, I have a few people in my life that I'm not sure I could live without. And that's the thing. If you have a romantic partner that you love just so much that you can't live without them, that's cool. I get that. I just don't see why it's expected for the romantic partner to be the one you love more than anything.

I mean, I guess if you're gonna spend your life with them it makes sense... I don't know.

[Raine14]

But at the same time, I have a few people in my life that I'm not sure I could live without. And that's the thing. If you have a romantic partner that you love just so much that you can't live without them, that's cool. I get that. I just don't see why it's expected for the romantic partner to be the one you love more than anything.

I mean, I guess if you're gonna spend your life with them it makes sense... I don't know.

Non-technical reply, I swear! Sorry, sometimes I can be . . . overzealous.

You bring up a very good question. It really does seem that one's romantic partner is supposed to be the one you love more than anyone else, can't live without, etc. I wonder if it isn't a cultural thing. Kind of like how men in America can't wear dresses without being teased and taunted mercilessly. There really isn't any real reason why men can't wear dresses, they just don't because people tell them it is wrong. Same thing with romantic partners. Take a look at romance movies and tv shows (Beauty and the Beast, Once Upon a Time, etc.). Romantic love seems to magically solve everything.

But let's think of real life. I love my parents and sisters so much that I can't imagine living without them. I love my dog so much that I can't imagine living without her. If I ever have a child, I fully expect to love him or her so much that I wouldn't be able to imagine living without them. I have seen many parents choose their children over each other. And many people choose their friends over their significant other. Sure, society might expect you to love your romantic partner more than anyone else, but your heart loves who it loves and it seems a little silly to have it ranked.

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to the Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Yo-Snap]

I have no real... knowledge about this stuff besides the fantastical stuff that everyone tells you.

My dad says that it's not good to fall in love/have relationships with friends because the relationship that you do have provides more leeway and acceptable behavior than a romantic relationship. He put it this way: when we were friends, I was okay with you doing (whatever), but because we're together now, I don't want you to do that. And that kind of stuff.

Personally, I have love for many people and things. Whether I have been in love at least once is a possibility. This relationship did happen between a friend and myself (Granted, I liked him like that before we were friends. But I had accepted that he probably only saw me as a friend before we started being romantically involved.). We haven't talked at all since we broke up, and can safely say that that friendship is broken well beyond repair.

I say that I was in love with him because I went out of my way to be something to him and gave him every ounce of time and energy that he could ever ask for. He wasn't QUITE always on my mind, and I had only dreamt about him once during our relationship. But i would have done anything for him. [by the way, it was an online relationship.]

That might not be saying too much because I would go out of my way for and give time for any other friend that would ask for it. It also might not be "in" love because I did have serious romantic feelings for two other female friends of mine. The stronger of which I still have some feelings for, but not strong enough to have ever considered changing who I am as a person to satisfy her. But, I did have a dream or two about her; one of which tearing me apart with worry for her well being. My friendship with her stands as well as it did for... a long while.

These people aren't the only ones I've loved. Outside of family, I've also had strong feelings for my car, some of my toys, and of course fictional characters. ]

While I call all of these circumstances "love," I don't know for certain whether any of them are. While I have found everything appealing, I've never had any REAL desire for sex with any of them. I've thought about it, but never WANTED it. The only thing from them that I did desire was some kind of (at least possibility of) touching them to hug/kiss/whatever.

My hopes aren't high that I'll be loved. I won't deny that it is a very very important thing ti me TO be loved by people outside of my family, and I won't deny that I'll love too much again in the future. I do, however, have a strong desire to find love; or at least a partner to spend a good amount of time with. :P

[Whispearl]

I feel like it's a lot easier to differentiate between different types of love once you experience them. Which is why it's so difficult for people to explain it, and so difficult for asexual/aromantic spectrum people to understand many types of love and expressions of it. For me, I thought I was in love with my best friend for a long time. But then I found myself involved romantically with someone else, and it felt completely different, and I found the phrase "in love" to fit more with that feeling than with the one I felt for my friend. That was when I finally understood the definitive split between romantic and platonic love and why it exists. I could never put it into words, but at least in my experience, they are very different. And I think it's very difficult to understand when you don't experience it yourself. But then again that could just be me.

[Prisma]

I fell in love once, or so I define it, so this is what it felt like:

I was happy.

Whenever I was around this person, whether we walked around, exchanged ideas, brainstorm problems or just sit together, I felt happy and healthy and overall better than I do anywhere else, at any other time. I just wanted to spend time with him, just to feel this good.

My love is simple. And selfish.