Communal living? Can it work? Thoughts

[ayarose]

I've been thinking about relationships a lot. I'm panromantic asexual. I'd like to have one (sex free) partner for my romantic/companionship needs however I'm not sure I want to go the traditional "one house = one couple" route.

I have a roommate and when we graduate we're going to look for an apartment. If I find someone I want to be seriously committed to do we have to cut her out of our living space? I realize we might decide we want but do we have to? Who makes these rules anyway??? Part of me wonders why can't we group together and pool our resources? It certainly makes more sense to band together in this messed up economy. Plus part of me feels it's kind of less stressful to have other people around to support you. It takes the pressure off the two people. You don't have to be someone's entire world. Now in my case I'm not talking about polygamy or a polyamorous relationship (not that I judge people who do that.) I mean two people who love each other very much living among friends they also care about but in a different way than they do each other. (Oh and pets. I must have my animals haha)

Part of me wonders if I'll ever find someone as wacky as me who'd agree to such an arrangement. But is it really that crazy?

Have some cake and share your views

[Zapstileon]

If it were up to me, no. You would not have to do anything. And I really don't think you do. It all depends on how the three of you get along and whether she is comfortable with you and your partner. I think that usually, the reason people don't do this is because sex between two people is not something a third person is comfortable listening to at all times of the day, and the two people having sex would probably be uncomfortable knowing a third person might hear them. If sex is out of the question or not something that happens too often, I cannot see how the three of your working it out should be a problem.

Another problem I know often occurs is jealousy. "What if I have to go away and our roommate falls in love with my partner?" <-- common problem, whether in romantic or sexual relationships. If that is sorted out too, then go right ahead.

But of course, there are boundaries to talk about. Roommate agreements are great for this. Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory) had a good point making one of those, because it outlined the things that made him uncomfortable. It should of course outline what makes everyone uncomfortable, so the other two might respect that, but the point stands. Because the roommate really might not like to see you guys kiss (if you are into that). But personally, I believe you can most definitely keep your roommate as a part of the household. There is absolutely no reason why not. I don't even know about any social reasons why not as long as it works for you.

Polyamory and polygamy is different. That does have social reasons for why it often cannot work. But just three people living in the same house where two of them are dating? Why not?

P.S - In the Time Traveler's Wife, there is an example of a couple living with a single roommate. :)

[binary suns]

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I've actually often thought the other way around: that communal living, if done right, could actually be less stressful and less in-your-face than living as a traditional couple.

Personally though, I love living on my own, and am not really in a situation where I could test my theories in the foreseeable future.

[Rivan Vox]

I presently live with my sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, my parents, and our cat.

A romantic couple who I am close friends with live with in an medium-sized apartment with two of their single platonic friends, and that goes really well for the most part. I also stay over the weekend with them at times without trouble.

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

[ZombiesAsAMetaphor]

I currently live with two friends who are in a romantic and sexual relationship, and I can assure you it's not as weird as you think it might be. Space isn't an issue because they share a room and I get my own, so we have a spare for a study, chores get divvied up, and with three of us to split the bills and groceries between it takes a huge load off.

So no, you don't have to cut out your friend at all. I would say it's beneficial to keep her around for that extra support.

[ayarose]

I presently live with my sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, my parents, and our cat.

A romantic couple who I am close friends with live with in an medium-sized apartment with two of their single platonic friends, and that goes really well for the most part. I also stay over the weekend with them at times without trouble.

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

That's really cool.

This probably sounds lame but I actually wasn't sure if it's unusual or not. I know my own biological family is scattered hither and yon. I never see any of them. Anyone I know who's had roommates didn't live with them long term. It was always temporary. So I know it's a situation I'd love but I hadn't had much experience with it.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

Yep. I think it's one of those odd situations where popular culture makes it appear that something is "normal" vs "unusual" - when in fact - in real life the "unusual" thing isn't actually particularly unusual at all.

When I think about actual people whom I know - I can think of a lot of cases where some kind of ongoing communal living is happening - involving either family or close friends/housemates living with romantic couples - so something other than a "typical" nuclear-romantic-couple-only type household. But I think these situations often arise naturally, and then they don't look particularly odd to those who are close to them - even though when you step back and think about it - you can see that it's not actually the "usual" couplecentric living situation, the type that's considered the most "normal" in our culture.

Come to think of it - I think this is part of the reason why it seems much more unusual than it is. People don't really take much note of communal living situations which arise naturally, only of those where people are actively choosing to live in a way which goes against the "proclaimed norm".

[Raven Madd]

Well I think it really depends. I have lived in groups for years now, mostly with my best friend, whom I consider my brother, and anyone else that might living with us. Usually it's either been a girlfriend of his or random friends, but it's been at least three and up to seven people living in two bedroom apartments.

In all cases, I am the only asexual person. I have only ever known one person that was the same as me, but I didn't know at the time which is very disappointing. So I've wanted nothing more to live on my own for a while, but I haven't minded too much because I love my brother that much. Even still, I am seeking a place to myself and would welcome any asexuals to live with me, but I just need a break from not being able to sleep because it sounds like someone is being murdered and having live with them being literally all over each other all the time.

I can only tune out so much, you know?

[coyote55]

Shared living arrangements can work well, particularly if you're flexible in your outlook and don't need huge amounts of personal space. The ones that work best tend to have people who are in similar life situations (college, for example) as they tend to want the same type of household "culture". That isn't an iron-clad rule though; my most recent shared household included people from their 20s to their 50s. The only drawback is the "good times" in households like that don't last forever. People come and go, and over time that changes the character of the household.

[apokalyptisch]

I currently know of four couples living together that have at least one other roommate - one of those couples lives with me and another roommate. I've temporarily sworn off living with people I date.

I don't know a lot of people, so that's saying something.

And I agree, it's not as weird as you would think. They share a room, and nobody really cares what happens in each individual room anyway. If they feel like doing the deed, they do it without bothering anyone. Once they didn't know I was home and said, "Oh, uh, we were watching the game".

"So I take it they did well?" ;)

[Guest]

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

Yep. I think it's one of those odd situations where popular culture makes it appear that something is "normal" vs "unusual" - when in fact - in real life the "unusual" thing isn't actually particularly unusual at all.

When I think about actual people whom I know - I can think of a lot of cases where some kind of ongoing communal living is happening - involving either family or close friends/housemates living with romantic couples - so something other than a "typical" nuclear-romantic-couple-only type household. But I think these situations often arise naturally, and then they don't look particularly odd to those who are close to them - even though when you step back and think about it - you can see that it's not actually the "usual" couplecentric living situation, the type that's considered the most "normal" in our culture.

Come to think of it - I think this is part of the reason why it seems much more unusual than it is. People don't really take much note of communal living situations which arise naturally, only of those where people are actively choosing to live in a way which goes against the "proclaimed norm".

Communes of 3-4 folks aren't at all unusual for folks in their twenties around here, no matter whether or not some of those 3-4 are partnered up with each other or non-livein partners. Among college students, that's pretty much the expected form of living, actually. However, society does quite strongly expect you to "grow out of it" once you hit the Big Three. Just as it frowns on you if you don't "grow out of" living with parents and siblings once you're noticably over 20.

Meh. Stupid norms and expectations. -_-

EDIT: Quote function hates me.

[Moon Ace]

I presently live with my sister, her boyfriend, her daughter, my parents, and our cat.

A romantic couple who I am close friends with live with in an medium-sized apartment with two of their single platonic friends, and that goes really well for the most part. I also stay over the weekend with them at times without trouble.

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

I think that, depending on the individual, both living alone and living in community can be related to insecurity.

[ayarose]

I was unaware that communal living was unusual? Are people really so insecure . . . ?

Yep. I think it's one of those odd situations where popular culture makes it appear that something is "normal" vs "unusual" - when in fact - in real life the "unusual" thing isn't actually particularly unusual at all.

When I think about actual people whom I know - I can think of a lot of cases where some kind of ongoing communal living is happening - involving either family or close friends/housemates living with romantic couples - so something other than a "typical" nuclear-romantic-couple-only type household. But I think these situations often arise naturally, and then they don't look particularly odd to those who are close to them - even though when you step back and think about it - you can see that it's not actually the "usual" couplecentric living situation, the type that's considered the most "normal" in our culture.

Come to think of it - I think this is part of the reason why it seems much more unusual than it is. People don't really take much note of communal living situations which arise naturally, only of those where people are actively choosing to live in a way which goes against the "proclaimed norm".

Communes of 3-4 folks aren't at all unusual for folks in their twenties around here, no matter whether or not some of those 3-4 are partnered up with each other or non-livein partners. Among college students, that's pretty much the expected form of living, actually. However, society does quite strongly expect you to "grow out of it" once you hit the Big Three. Just as it frowns on you if you don't "grow out of" living with parents and siblings once you're noticably over 20.

Meh. Stupid norms and expectations. -_-

EDIT: Quote function hates me.

You basically hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what has been bugging me. My logic is, if one married couple can decide to make a commitment to each other in order to obtain financial, emotional and psychological security; why can't it work with a group/community setting? Obviously it would have to be the right mix of people. However lots of cultures have multi-generational households and situations like that.

I just know that personally, I often feel my future is rather grim. It's very tough to find a job. There's a woman I work with who is older than me, has more work experience than I do, has a degree in my major and she was unemployed for years before being finding her current position and it's a low paying job that isn't even in her field. That makes me nervous. In America things are more expensive than ever. As a population we work a lot of hours and take almost no vacations.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think it would be much more pleasant to have a nice home full of love than spend the rest of my life in debt just because I'm trying to carve out a path someone else told me I need to take.

[Pyropotter]

I share a household with my ace partner and another roomate, and we've had the arrangement work pretty well for the past (oh geez) 5 years. Before that there was nearly always a third different roomate as well. Our current configuration shares a lot of finances, holidays, music and the pets. I get occasionally jelly about not having more time with just my partner, but it's not like we can't and don't go out on dates just us. I think that with the right roomates, it can be incedibly rewarding living in your own community or hand woven family unit. I still wish I could find jobs for the old college crowd where I live now so that we could all have a big shared geek house together and be able to game again with the old group.

[Guest]

I would personally not want to do that sort of thing. Because... figuring out how to live with just ONE person is hard enough. When noise should end, trying to keep the house tidy, trying to avoid the annoyances of uninvited guests, trying to keep everyone from arguing, where should the towels be, etc etc. And then if your partner and your room mate get in an argument they want you to jump in on one side or the other. OMG the drama and stress. I can hardly stand just living with a partner (seriously, what is hard about "towels belong in the bathroom"...). And if you're not sharing food, keeping everyone eating just their own and using just their own stuff. Who fixes shared property when it breaks.

... I am very much a loner though. If you want to work it all out because it'd be more fun, no one says you have to stop living with a friend to be live with a partner (society says you should, but who cares?).

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I would personally not want to do that sort of thing. Because... figuring out how to live with just ONE person is hard enough. When noise should end, trying to keep the house tidy, trying to avoid the annoyances of uninvited guests, trying to keep everyone from arguing, where should the towels be, etc etc. And then if your partner and your room mate get in an argument they want you to jump in on one side or the other. OMG the drama and stress. I can hardly stand just living with a partner (seriously, what is hard about "towels belong in the bathroom"...). And if you're not sharing food, keeping everyone eating just their own and using just their own stuff. Who fixes shared property when it breaks.

Being a massive loner and introvert who needs a lot of personal space myself, one thing I've learned - the hard way - is that personal space is much more of a headspace thing than a physical space thing.

Some people just have a way of always being right in your face. Even if you shared a 72-room castle with one, they would always be right there, with you, all the time. Then there are others with whom it's super easy to find a dynamic of "being alone together". Even if you're physically in a small space together, you can each do your own thing, and never really get in the way, or clash, or feel smothered.

This is why I tend to think that it's mostly, ummm, "personal space compatibility" that counts, not so much the physical situation. Which is exactly why I think that a certain kind of intentional commune with separate quarters or rooms, could actually work better for me than a couple lifestyle. Then again, it's also quite true that a "couple" lifestyle doesn't have to be as smothering and joined-at-the-hip-constantly as the stereotypes. So I guess what it comes down to is that I don't think a particular number of people involved is what really matters to me, but rather having a good combination of personality types and practical housing setup.

eg, I could definitely much more easily live in my own quarters in a castle full of quiet loner introverts than share a small apartment with a very very in-your-face extrovert who is always "right there" and needs constant attention. :D

[Guest]

I would personally not want to do that sort of thing. Because... figuring out how to live with just ONE person is hard enough. When noise should end, trying to keep the house tidy, trying to avoid the annoyances of uninvited guests, trying to keep everyone from arguing, where should the towels be, etc etc. And then if your partner and your room mate get in an argument they want you to jump in on one side or the other. OMG the drama and stress. I can hardly stand just living with a partner (seriously, what is hard about "towels belong in the bathroom"...). And if you're not sharing food, keeping everyone eating just their own and using just their own stuff. Who fixes shared property when it breaks.

Being a massive loner and introvert who needs a lot of personal space myself, one thing I've learned - the hard way - is that personal space is much more of a headspace thing than a physical space thing.

Some people just have a way of always being right in your face. Even if you shared a 72-room castle with one, they would always be right there, with you, all the time. Then there are others with whom it's super easy to find a dynamic of "being alone together". Even if you're physically in a small space together, you can each do your own thing, and never really get in the way, or clash, or feel smothered.

This is why I tend to think that it's mostly, ummm, "personal space compatibility" that counts, not so much the physical situation. Which is exactly why I think that a certain kind of intentional commune with separate quarters or rooms, could actually work better for me than a couple lifestyle. Then again, it's also quite true that a "couple" lifestyle doesn't have to be as smothering and joined-at-the-hip-constantly as the stereotypes. So I guess what it comes down to is that I don't think a particular number of people involved is what really matters to me, but rather having a good combination of personality types and practical housing setup.

eg, I could definitely much more easily live in my own quarters in a castle full of quiet loner introverts than share a small apartment with a very very in-your-face extrovert who is always "right there" and needs constant attention. :D

But, even if they aren't in your space, there are personality conflicts. Money conflicts. Who does what chores conflicts. Why didn't you pay the rent on time conflicts. How come our (insertbill) is off, wasn't it your turn to pay? ... etc etc. And then if you're all on a lease, it's nearly impossible to evict the one that is causing issues. And... yeah. :( Room mate stories make me scared of living with anyone I can't just break up with if they are being a pain. lol

[Kitty Spoon Train]

But, even if they aren't in your space, there are personality conflicts. Money conflicts. Who does what chores conflicts. Why didn't you pay the rent on time conflicts. How come our (insertbill) is off, wasn't it your turn to pay? ... etc etc. And then if you're all on a lease, it's nearly impossible to evict the one that is causing issues. And... yeah. :( Room mate stories make me scared of living with anyone I can't just break up with if they are being a pain. lol

Ahuh, this is why what I actually envisage is something more akin to a small intentional community than a typical share house. Basically where everyone has their own quarters, with a door that closes that you can put a "do not disturb unless the building is on fire" sign on. And where bills are separately issued, and chores and such (for the common spaces) are officially rostered in some way, rather than up to totally personal negotiation.

But yeah, the "traditional" sharehouse is my idea of hell too, for pretty much the reasons you mentioned. :lol:

[Guest]

But, even if they aren't in your space, there are personality conflicts. Money conflicts. Who does what chores conflicts. Why didn't you pay the rent on time conflicts. How come our (insertbill) is off, wasn't it your turn to pay? ... etc etc. And then if you're all on a lease, it's nearly impossible to evict the one that is causing issues. And... yeah. :( Room mate stories make me scared of living with anyone I can't just break up with if they are being a pain. lol

Ahuh, this is why what I actually envisage is something more akin to a small intentional community than a typical share house. Basically where everyone has their own quarters, with a door that closes that you can put a "do not disturb unless the building is on fire" sign on. And where bills are separately issued, and chores and such (for the common spaces) are officially rostered in some way, rather than up to totally personal negotiation.

But yeah, the "traditional" sharehouse is my idea of hell too, for pretty much the reasons you mentioned. :lol:

But, even if they're rostered... what if one person doesn't do their assigned task? Or gets bored of it and wants to swap but no one wants to trade? And if there are shared spaces, there is shared furniture and stuff. And then what happens when shared furniture breaks? Does the person who broke it pay, everyone split it? What if someone doesn't like splitting if another broke it, or what if no one knows who broke it but one thinks they know so they don't want to pay for what they didn't break? ... *can just imagine dominoes of drama for every situation where a house is shared at all* ... I would be OK with like, a community commune where everyone has their own house but close by. Probably.

[Ricecream-man]

It's totally normal. I've actually done this with a married couple for about a year before I moved out (job related, not because of any issues).

However, it does provide potential for additional tensions and insecurities, particularly if someone doesn't do "their part" or finances come into play.

For instance the roommate might want to pay less than 1/3 for the home on a night of your relationship. In the other hand your SO could get a little worried about your roommate or vice versa. The roommate could also become bitter at being alone while constantly seeing your relationship.

Those are just some possible problems that could come up. It so comes down to how the three of you are personality wise

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I would be OK with like, a community commune where everyone has their own house but close by. Probably.

Yeah, I guess what I'm imagining is probably something more akin to this...

Let me explain where I'm coming from: I've spent my life split roughly 50/50 between living in apartment buildings and living in houses. And I've always found detached houses annoyingly high-maintenance, and suburbia to be a bit alienating and even lonely. People complain about lack of privacy and noise and such with shared walls, but my experience has been exactly the opposite. ie People feel totally entitled to do whatever they want when they have their own separate house, and get quite oblivious to their noise and pollution bleeding onto neighbouring properties. Whereas with my apartment living experience I've generally found people more neighbourly and aware.

So that's basically what I'm picturing I guess, an apartment living situation where there is some more shared space than usual, and where it's more of an intentional community rather than just utter random strangers in the building. But yeah, I guess that's moving quite far from "communal living" at this point really. :lol:

[Guest]

I would be OK with like, a community commune where everyone has their own house but close by. Probably.

Yeah, I guess what I'm imagining is probably something more akin to this...

Let me explain where I'm coming from: I've spent my life split roughly 50/50 between living in apartment buildings and living in houses. And I've always found detached houses annoyingly high-maintenance, and suburbia to be a bit alienating and even lonely. People complain about lack of privacy and noise and such with shared walls, but my experience has been exactly the opposite. ie People feel totally entitled to do whatever they want when they have their own separate house, and get quite oblivious to their noise and pollution bleeding onto neighbouring properties. Whereas with my apartment living experience I've generally found people more neighbourly and aware.

So that's basically what I'm picturing I guess, an apartment living situation where there is some more shared space than usual, and where it's more of an intentional community rather than just utter random strangers in the building. But yeah, I guess that's moving quite far from "communal living" at this point really. :lol:

Ah. So you're talking like an apartment building sort of thing - where you each have your own kitchen/bathroom and maybe something like a shared "lounge" like some apartments have, that isn't crucial to you but is there to hang out together?

And, I am one of those that hates apartments due to the noise. My last apartment was the neighbor by the kitchen wall had a screaming child from 9pm-1am that never shut up. Our neighbor attached to our living room wall had a huge TV, loud bass and music playing all day until 3-4-5am going THUMPTHUMPTHUMPTHUMP against our wall. And our neighbor below us smoked (so the smoke came into our apartment through the floor), had kids and had loud sex at 2am which you could hear very clearly while trying to sleep. It was like they were all competing on who could make the most noise at the latest hour. :lol: And all our landlord said was basically "So turn your TV on if the noise bothers you" ... cause really, that's about all you can do in an apartment. Or buy earplugs. Which, neither works for me for getting a good nights sleep.

Our house on the other hand, even though our neighbors are obnoxious, I can close my windows and no shared walls so their noise stops. Can hear the marching band when it comes by our windows (football field is on our street, so homecoming and stuff parades past us) but even that loud of a noise is blocked out once they are up to the next house pretty much. I would like that level of privacy, with maybe like a shared park where you could have BBQs and swing sets and stuff you share. About the only way I could be OK with communal living. My mom and my grandmother had a set up like that at one time. They shared 5 acres of land with separate houses and yards, but a shared driveway and they could do BBQs in the "central" yard away from each other's space, with a picnic table and a grill. And all bills were in separate names, separate accounts, etc so no finances got mixed (which worked, cause they had vastly different ideas about being late on bills haha). That seems like the ideal set up. Nearby, but totally separate, but can share as much as you like without having to mix any property or finances.

[Notte stellata]

I would personally not want to do that sort of thing. Because... figuring out how to live with just ONE person is hard enough. When noise should end, trying to keep the house tidy, trying to avoid the annoyances of uninvited guests, trying to keep everyone from arguing, where should the towels be, etc etc. And then if your partner and your room mate get in an argument they want you to jump in on one side or the other. OMG the drama and stress. I can hardly stand just living with a partner (seriously, what is hard about "towels belong in the bathroom"...). And if you're not sharing food, keeping everyone eating just their own and using just their own stuff. Who fixes shared property when it breaks.

LOL, I can totally relate to the "towels belong in the bathroom" part!

I'm not fond of the idea of living with multiple people, because 99 times out of 100, more people means more conflicts. As long as you share some living space (even just a kitchen), there's got to be conflicts and compromises. Unless your lifestyles are totally in sync, which is practically impossible even for best friends. Another reason I don't want communal living is I like to be as "indecent" as possible at home. Living with a partner, I can walk around topless when it's hot, which would be inappropriate in front of other people. If I can't dress however I feel most comfortable, it won't feel like home to me.

Now, if communal living means living in the same building/community with a group of friends where everyone has their own independent unit and there's some public space to hang out, that would be pretty awesome of course. But then, who doesn't like to be neighbors with their friends? :P