A tad confused - what am I exactly?

[Slayerin96]

Ever since I started slowly discovering my (complex) identity, I've been doing research on this topic as I've been so eager and fascinated about learning more things about myself in this regard. I came across the concept of grey-asexual a while ago and I've studied it in greater detail. This along with some introspection caused me a bit of doubt about what I actually am (solely in terms of sexual orientation.

I'm 18 and I've never experienced sexual attraction to anyone to the slightest degree. I've never fantasised sexually in my whole life. I've never had sexual desire or drives. Nothing has ever turned me on, nor does it happen now. And when I say nothing, I mean it. When I tried masturbating (age 18, which, compared to 12, the age girls normally start doing it, is notably belated) it happened out of pure curiosity! - I actually felt no inner urges whatsoever to do so. Furthermore, when I did so, there was absolutely nothing going through my mind - I only focused on the touch and... I felt like a lump of ice. I'm only capable of experiencing squishes, aesthetical attraction and SENSUAL attraction, although the latter only happens once I've developed a strong emotional connection with the person I'm attracted to. Once again, these attractions come with fantasies in which there's NOTHING erotic involved. (the last two, to be more exact, since in case of aesthetical attraction, all I think is : "oh, s/he looks so well"). On the other hand, I'm sex-positive, meaning that I regard this thing as something natural and I believe that as long as it's consensual, takes place within both legal and moral limits and all parties involved get pleasure from it, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it and it doesn't harm anyone. What's more, even if I feel that somehow it's..."not for me" (hard to explain this one - it's innate), I'm not repulsed by it and I'd be open to trying it - I'm a very curious person by nature. And now there's something causing me a shade of doubt. It is stated that among others, grey-asexual can mean a person who can only enjoy sex in specific situations or under limited circumstances. And in my case, I think sex MIGHT be enjoyable to me if ALL of the following conditions were simultaneously fulfilled:

-I have to be aesthetically attracted to the guy in question

-he has to have a personality which I like, and the other way round

-it's necessary that we've formed an intense emotional bond, the type of that one forms with a very good friend, to be exact (mutual respect, loyalty, trustworthiness, acceptance, understanding, and our feeling at ease around each other) - which may take YEARS

-no pressure on his side beforehand

-he has to be my age

-he has to have for me the SAME feelings I have for him - having him love me romantically would be totally out of the question (in other words, he has to be aromantic, too)

-if we have sex, I need to have him understand it's not way of expressing feelings, but a way of having fun and showing that we feel at ease around each other

-no kinkiness

-if we do it, it happens either in pitch darkness or with both of us blindfolded (it would make me feel more comfortable because my eyes are disturbed by anything voyeuristic, it's a personal thing - yes, I'm strange)

Despite all that, I can't possibly imagine myself experiencing ATTRACTION. I just think I MIGHT like it under these conditions. So my question is: should I therefore consider myself a grey-asexual, or stick to simply asexual, given that the circumstances, as you can see, are unusually specific and very, very limited, and it's utterly unlikely that they'll ever turn real? Help me.

[Star Bit]

Even if you actually reacted this way IRL, it would still mean your ok with having sex; as Asexuals can, but that doesn't make you sexual by doing the act; it's only about whether you have sexual attraction, which is composed of sexual arousal for another person and the desire to act on it/ have sex. (not having one of these can still count as asexual)

A non-libidoist is someone who can not become sexually aroused by anything. And having sex would not change this. So if you are one, you'd have to fake an orgasm and even arousal. You would also need a lubricant because your body would not produce it because you are not aroused. Though there are different ways to masturbate, perhaps you should look into that. Or at least where the G-spots are to make sure.