When should you tell your date you're asexual?

[banananana]

Assuming you don't usually tell others you're asexual, when should you tell your date?

[Zapstileon]

Probably before they get their hopes up about getting you into bed. Many may feel cheated if you wait too long, and yet scared away if you tell them too early. It actually depends a lot on the person. Haha, I guess that didn't help much.

[My alias]

At the end of the first date to basically let them know that they shouldn't pursue you further if they are somebody who needs sex. It is easy to just not tell them but it only leads to resentment later.

[Guest]

I prefer to come out before agreeing to go on the first "togethery thing" that's explicitly called a date instead of a friendly hangout. "Oh, we're dating now? Okay, here's the sitch..."

First date is generally a good idea, IMO. Bring up the major incompatibilities/dealbreakers ASAP (asexuality and polyamory are the two big ones, for me - no sex, no monogamy/exclusivity, take it or leave it). If it scares off people, then it's better that they get scared off before you folks waste too much time on each other.

IMO, waiting later than the third date (assuming that you already know you're ace, of course) is pretty much unforgivable and deserves an unceremonious dumping while getting called out for leading people on, It's douchey, don't do it.

[Sally]

Being afraid that you might scare someone away is a rational fear. However, not disclosing just reinforces the unfair stereotyping of asexuals as trying to trap sexuals into relationships by not telling them. Being honest early means you respect the other party's need to make decisions for themselves.

[Guest]

I prefer to come out before agreeing to go on the first "togethery thing" that's explicitly called a date instead of a friendly hangout. "Oh, we're dating now? Okay, here's the sitch..."

First date is generally a good idea, IMO. Bring up the major incompatibilities/dealbreakers ASAP (asexuality and polyamory are the two big ones, for me - no sex, no monogamy/exclusivity, take it or leave it). If it scares off people, then it's better that they get scared off before you folks waste too much time on each other.

IMO, waiting later than the third date (assuming that you already know you're ace, of course) is pretty much unforgivable and deserves an unceremonious dumping while getting called out for leading people on, It's douchey, don't do it.

Clarifying because we've had this discussion before - Myst's first date advice tends to be if you know the person, not strangers-dating-strangers. :D

If you don't know them, I think it's OK to wait until 2nd-3rd date and get to know them, find out if you even WANT a 2nd date before disclosing anything personal. Once you know you like them and want a RELATIONSHIP (or think you could want a relationship with them) and not just "Meh, he was cute, he asked me out, might as well it might be fun" they need to know.

If you know them already and it's a friend-dating-friend thing, I would tell before the first date.

Think of it like this: You can safely assume a person wants sex and a "normal" sex life. You know you can't provide it. Respect them enough to let them decide if that is something they are OK with or not. Just like if you are child-free and you know the person you go on a date with wants kids, let them decide if they want to go further with someone who doesn't. And even if you will have sex as an asexual, often it's the lack of mutual attraction that bothers sexuals, so it's still something they need to know. You don't have to use the label at first, but explain how you feel about sex and what it would look like to them.

[Sakurastar]

Before the date. It is not fair to play with someone's emotions. To them, it is a bit of a bombshell. Also, it weeds out the a-holes early on.

[lissi]

Before the date. It is not fair to play with someone's emotions. To them, it is a bit of a bombshell. Also, it weeds out the a-holes early on.

I would not chose to date a person who is asexual. Does that make me an a-hole?

[Guest]

Clarifying because we've had this discussion before - Myst's first date advice tends to be if you know the person, not strangers-dating-strangers. :D

If you don't know them, I think it's OK to wait until 2nd-3rd date and get to know them, find out if you even WANT a 2nd date before disclosing anything personal. Once you know you like them and want a RELATIONSHIP (or think you could want a relationship with them) and not just "Meh, he was cute, he asked me out, might as well it might be fun" they need to know.

If you know them already and it's a friend-dating-friend thing, I would tell before the first date.

Hehe, yup, I don't get the "dating strangers" thing. ^_^

But my "3rd date at the latest" deadline already figured that factor in... if you date someone who's already a friend/close acquaintance, anything later than first date would be too late to come out, IMO. With a stranger, 2nd or 3rd date still is pretty late, but still acceptable, IMO.

I would not chose to date a person who is asexual. Does that make me an a-hole?

Nope. It makes you a person who knows their own dealbreakers and is honest about them upfront. As long as you won't be needlessly rude when stating them, that's an unambiguously good thing, in my book.

[SMW22792]

I would make it known well in advance. I think honesty, especially in a close relationship, is the most important thing. If I couldn't trust someone, I wouldn't want them in my life anyway. Friend, or romantic partner.

Before the date. It is not fair to play with someone's emotions. To them, it is a bit of a bombshell. Also, it weeds out the a-holes early on.

I would not chose to date a person who is asexual. Does that make me an a-hole?

Why would it? Maybe at first it'd suck for the other party, but in the long-run it's better to be fully honest then be stuck in a incompatible relationship. I mean, you can still be friends, right?

[lissi]

I cannot see why it would make me an a-hole. I am finding hard to interpret Sakurastar's comment as anything other than blatantly anti sexual.

[lissi]

I wouldn't be rude if someone told me they were asexual, why would I? And I like honest people so a friendship would certainly be possible.

[That asexual guy]

Probably not the popular answer but I think you should tell someone before a date.

[Sakurastar]

Before the date. It is not fair to play with someone's emotions. To them, it is a bit of a bombshell. Also, it weeds out the a-holes early on.

I would not chose to date a person who is asexual. Does that make me an a-hole?

I didn't say that but thanks to jumping to that conclusion. What I meant was there are some people who don't necessarily react well when they hear they aren't getting lucky. Saying thanks but no thanks is totally different. Again, thanks.

[Sakurastar]

I cannot see why it would make me an a-hole. I am finding hard to interpret Sakurastar's comment as anything other than blatantly anti sexual.

In the nicest way, I do not give a monkies about your sexuality. You jumped on my post deciding to take it the wrong way rather than just asking what I meant if you didn't understand. Instead, you flipped some paranoia switch and decided I called you an a-hole. I am not anti sexual. Do feel free to point out where I said this exactly.

[Cassara]

I'm wondering about this, too, since I've finally decided that (I think) I'm going to tell my best friend I've developed romantic feelings for him when I see him in a few weeks ...

But I mean, if I do, should I tell him I'm ace and I like him all in one neat bundle? *sigh* I don't even necessarily want to date him, I just want to let him know how I feel in case he feels the same ... and if he doesn't, then I won't go wondering and wondering.

[Sakurastar]

If I were you, I would tell him both at the same time and explain the reason you are telling him about your assexuality is because you have feelings for him. Also make it clear that whatever you both decide, you want to still remain friends. You just needed to get it off your chest.

[HermioneGranger]

Definitely before the date. I mean, if I were a lesbian and a guy asked me out on a date, shouldn't I tell him I'm only into chicks before he buys me dinner?

I assume that not many sexuals are going to want to pursue a relationship with me, so I feel like I need to deal the a-card right out of the gate so it doesn't seem like I just wanted someone to take me out. If they know I'm ace and still want to go out, then everything's cool.

[Ace of Cakes]

I would agree that if it's a friend you're dating, the sooner the better. If it's a stranger, I think waiting until you feel comfortable sharing something this personal is okay, but also agree that you shouldn't wait too long.

I didn't really know I was ace until about 4 or 5 months into my relationship with my first boyfriend, and it was so hard to come out to him when we were that far into it. It also made me scared that he would stay with me out of obligation rather than actually being okay with it. Everything worked out fine, but yeah, I wish I had been able to come out wayyyy sooner. Since I didn't know I was ace, I didn't really have a choice, but I just like to share my little story to show that as scary as it can be, coming out sooner is usually (I hesitate to say always since there may be some exceptions, but I really can't think of any) best.

If you're comfortable doing it before the first date, I think that's more than fine, but if you're not comfortable with that I really do think it's okay to wait a bit. I know I don't feel comfortable enough to tell a practical stranger that I'm ace, so I would definitely not be able to do it so soon. And it's not like you owe them sex or they should expect it... One date -- or a couple of dates -- isn't going to hurt them if that's what you need to feel okay about coming out. But yeah, sooner is better than later.

[Sally]

Considering that sexuals usually feel that a "date" means that sometime in the future, sex will happen, a couple of dates could indeed be unfair to you both. It doesn't get any easier the more you wait.

[Fire & Rain]

Maybe there's no exact rule about this. I don't date strangers at all so I'm pretty much out in friend stage (even if they don't ask me out lol not all my friends do that!!). My advice is to come out as soon as you can. It gets harder if you wait longer. What's the point of getting emotionally attached to someone only to find out that asexuality is their deal breaker? You will only end up hurting yourself and the people you date. Honesty is the best policy :)

[Percivel]

I've joined this thread because my daughter may be ace, too, and I would like to be able to advise her if she asks.

I think some/many people you might date might not understand what asexuality is and really understand what it means even if you explain it to them. Even many of the sexuals on Aven took a while to really understand. I understood rather quickly because I had been married and experiencing a mixed relationship for many years before I knew what it was. And, yet, I am still learning about it. Because the "date" may say they are okay with your asexuality/absence of sexual desire doesn't mean they truly understand what it means in a mixed relationship. Caution and communication should be a constant in early relationships.

There are lots of good thoughts on this thread and I think what Sally posted above is very good advice.

[Guest]

I've joined this thread because my daughter may be ace, too, and I would like to be able to advise her if she asks.

I think some/many people you might date might not understand what asexuality is and really understand what it means even if you explain it to them. Even many of the sexuals on Aven took a while to really understand. I understood rather quickly because I had been married and experiencing a mixed relationship for many years before I knew what it was. And, yet, I am still learning about it. Because the "date" may say they are okay with your asexuality/absence of sexual desire doesn't mean they truly understand what it means in a mixed relationship. Caution and communication should be a constant in early relationships.

There are lots of good thoughts on this thread and I think what Sally posted above is very good advice.

Communication and making sure everything is still OK and boundaries are clear should be a constant in any relationship - early or not. :D

[CosmicSpaceAce]

This is a topic that has been bothering me lately. i consider myself to be betwen the grey-asexual and asexual part of the spectrum. Having only had sex once, and obviously feeling disconnected and uncomfortable, though it was with the right person and someone I loved, I'm potentialy willing to try it again in later relationships, though I'm worried about what I'd do after that experience if it comfirmed my complete disinterest in ever having sex again. It's a tricky one...

[Guest]

This is a topic that has been bothering me lately. i consider myself to be betwen the grey-asexual and asexual part of the spectrum. Having only had sex once, and obviously feeling disconnected and uncomfortable, though it was with the right person and someone I loved, I'm potentialy willing to try it again in later relationships, though I'm worried about what I'd do after that experience if it comfirmed my complete disinterest in ever having sex again. It's a tricky one...

Just say something like "I have tried it once, I didn't like it. I am willing to try again, but I cannot promise anything." :) Honesty is the best policy. If they are disappointed later on, at least you warned them it was a possibility.

[CosmicSpaceAce]

This is a topic that has been bothering me lately. i consider myself to be betwen the grey-asexual and asexual part of the spectrum. Having only had sex once, and obviously feeling disconnected and uncomfortable, though it was with the right person and someone I loved, I'm potentialy willing to try it again in later relationships, though I'm worried about what I'd do after that experience if it comfirmed my complete disinterest in ever having sex again. It's a tricky one...

Just say something like "I have tried it once, I didn't like it. I am willing to try again, but I cannot promise anything." :) Honesty is the best policy. If they are disappointed later on, at least you warned them it was a possibility.

Thank you for replying! (: That's true, honesty is best, though I know it's a particularly tricky situation, and possibly quite baffling for someone unused to the concept.

[Cassara]

So to sum up: if you're dating a stranger, you can get to know them a little bit and decide if you like how your relationship with them is going, and if you do, tell them you are ace as soon as possible.

If it's a friend, also tell them as soon as possible.

I guess I just feel weird about it because I'm still a teenager and I feel like sex isn't as large of a part of a relationship when you're younger, but I suppose I am close to being 20 and I suppose most of the people I hang out with don't have sex so it just seems weird to bring it up. But I should. I guess we'll see

[CosmicSpaceAce]

So to sum up: if you're dating a stranger, you can get to know them a little bit and decide if you like how your relationship with them is going, and if you do, tell them you are ace as soon as possible.

If it's a friend, also tell them as soon as possible.

I guess I just feel weird about it because I'm still a teenager and I feel like sex isn't as large of a part of a relationship when you're younger, but I suppose I am close to being 20 and I suppose most of the people I hang out with don't have sex so it just seems weird to bring it up. But I should. I guess we'll see

I think this is great advice. I guess the toughest part is knowing at what stage to tell someone.

[Guest]

So to sum up: if you're dating a stranger, you can get to know them a little bit and decide if you like how your relationship with them is going, and if you do, tell them you are ace as soon as possible.

If it's a friend, also tell them as soon as possible.

I guess I just feel weird about it because I'm still a teenager and I feel like sex isn't as large of a part of a relationship when you're younger, but I suppose I am close to being 20 and I suppose most of the people I hang out with don't have sex so it just seems weird to bring it up. But I should. I guess we'll see

Well, even if your partner isn't going to want sex next week, or next year, it's something they will likely want eventually. If you end up waiting until you feel a "future" is happening they can feel hurt, confused, betrayed and lied to. So, still best to get it out there. However, I wonder where you live where at nearly 20 sex isn't a big deal? It's all the 18-25 year olds talked about at my college. :lol:

[Guest Sheka4]

I would say you should at least tell your date of your sexuality by the 2nd or 3rd. If you can't find a way or don't feel comfortable telling them during those times periods then I guess you could wait longer and casually bring it up in a conversation.