When should you tell your date you're asexual?

[Cassara]

Well, even if your partner isn't going to want sex next week, or next year, it's something they will likely want eventually. If you end up waiting until you feel a "future" is happening they can feel hurt, confused, betrayed and lied to. So, still best to get it out there. However, I wonder where you live where at nearly 20 sex isn't a big deal? It's all the 18-25 year olds talked about at my college. :lol:

Haha it's not so much where I live as who I surround myself with one of my best friends is ace, another best friend has a low sex drive despite being pansexual, and my other friends haven't gotten into relationships, let alone sexual ones. So until this year and talking to people etc I was very easily able to convince myself that sex wasn't a "thing" until your 20s (and I'm sure after turning 20 if I didn't know I was ace I'd assume it was later in your 20s or something). As it is I recognize it's something many people my age participate in, but I don't really FEEL like it is, if you know what I mean. I know so, but it doesn't seem like it.

It doesn't help that I've never been in a romantic relationship, though my crush/best friend has had several, so I really just don't know how to bring it up or if it will work or anything, honestly

[aceymcaceace]

I told my current partner about my asexuality the moment he asked me out. If he wanted to date me with the intention of eventually sleeping with me, I needed to know. When we started dating I identified as purely asexual with no sexual feelings what so ever and he was fine with it. I don't think I would have had a happy relationship with him if it turned out that sex was the deal breaker.. Even now that I relate more to demisexuality, I would never want to date someone who doesn't consider emotion in a relationship! Just my preference! :)

[Fire & Rain]

I told my current partner about my asexuality the moment he asked me out. If he wanted to date me with the intention of eventually sleeping with me, I needed to know. When we started dating I identified as purely asexual with no sexual feelings what so ever and he was fine with it. I don't think I would have had a happy relationship with him if it turned out that sex was the deal breaker.. Even now that I relate more to demisexuality, I would never want to date someone who doesn't consider emotion in a relationship! Just my preference! :)

I agree :) Even if I was alloromantic allosexual, I would never ever get into a relationship just for sex. I can't imagine letting someone touch me in an intimate way without any emotional connection.

[lissi]

I cannot see why it would make me an a-hole. I am finding hard to interpret Sakurastar's comment as anything other than blatantly anti sexual.

In the nicest way, I do not give a monkies about your sexuality. You jumped on my post deciding to take it the wrong way rather than just asking what I meant if you didn't understand. Instead, you flipped some paranoia switch and decided I called you an a-hole. I am not anti sexual. Do feel free to point out where I said this exactly.

I asked whether it made me an a-hole - a question. I said it was hard to interpret what you said as anything but anti sexual - you made yourself clearer. I am sorry for misunderstanding what you meant. I cannot imagine why anyone would react badly to hearing you are asexual before a date so it is difficult for me to see why they would be classified as a-holes. Can you fill me in?

[Sakurastar]

I cannot see why it would make me an a-hole. I am finding hard to interpret Sakurastar's comment as anything other than blatantly anti sexual.

In the nicest way, I do not give a monkies about your sexuality. You jumped on my post deciding to take it the wrong way rather than just asking what I meant if you didn't understand. Instead, you flipped some paranoia switch and decided I called you an a-hole. I am not anti sexual. Do feel free to point out where I said this exactly.

I asked whether it made me an a-hole - a question. I said it was hard to interpret what you said as anything but anti sexual.

Yet you were the only one. What does that say on your views of the asexual community that you assumed automatically that it must have been an anti-sexual comment? If I have been a less confident person, I would have felt like crap as a newbie that I had automatically been painted as someone so hateful, ruining my rep before I started. Not a term to throw around lightly quite frankly and I wonder why you did.

To answer your question, it is a sad fact that in the MINORITY of cases, women especially can experience sexual pressure on dates in an " I am paying for dinner, I expect something is return ". If you have never had a bad or dodgy date, good for you. Some people have and on the odd ocassion, making it clear sex is not on the table can save you from an evening from hell. This is not the case for everyone and the majority of dates.

I did not class everyone who reacts badly to hearing of your sexual preferences as a-holes. Again, those words have been put in my mouth which is getting annoying as I need it free for tea and the large amount of welcome cake. Life is too short for paranoia, there is too much good stuff on TV.

[jksummer]

While there is no universal agreement, there is a so-called third date rule which states that having a third date indicates a willingness for sex. I agree with those who mentioned the second or third is the time to disclose. You may be jumping to conclusions that being asked out on a (first) date is someone showing a sexual interest, but it should become reasonably clear during that or a second date precisely what the interest is. And you could then respond appropriately.

And, of course, after the first, there may be no interest in a second by either party for any number of reasons not involving interest in sex.

[Xavy]

If you go on a first date and at the end of it, you both find that want to spend more time together and you begin talking about a second date, I think that is when you ought to put it out there that you are not sexually attracted to them, while letting them also know that you like them, find them attractive in non sexual ways and you want to spend more time with them. That way, there is no false expectations developing and if your lack of sexual attraction is going to be a problem, it's best to not pursue a second date anyway.

By the way, you can do this without saying that you are asexual in case you don't want to out yourself.

[butterflydreams]

Unfortunately, I kind of always operate under the assumption that people I interact with think just like I do. What? She finds me sexually attractive and wants to do that? That thought never crosses my mind. How could it? I'm not thinking in that way.

That leads to me thinking that as long as I'm happy going forward with what's in my head, she is too. So I almost never even see a reason to bother saying anything. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I could. Getting any kind of date is hard enough. To voluntarily shatter what otherwise appears to be a great date...that just feels impossible to me.

Also, and again, maybe this is just me and my thinking, but if you hung out with someone a bunch of times, and there was mutual interest in general, would lack of that attraction really sour the whole deal?

Then there's the "jump to conclusions mat" with asexuality that it means no sex. Well, er, no...that's not what it necessarily means to me. It means I'm not going to be drooling over the thought of you throughout my day. It means I'm not going to come home and just have to get it on with you. It means I might not be as enthusiastic about sex. It does NOT mean I won't do it. Show me some respect, understanding and compassion (shit that should be there in a half decent relationship anyway), and I'm probably going to oblige, even if it does feel a little awkward to me. We can "want, will, won't" list the crap out of it and both be satisfied.

So I dunno. Overall, I might not ever say anything to a date. Maybe if sex were going to happen, and she made it clear that's where it was going, I'd say something. Again, that's not saying I won't do it, it's just saying it'll be a little different. I feel like this is a divergence from the consensus in this thread. Am I a horrible person?

[scarletlatitude]

Unfortunately, I kind of always operate under the assumption that people I interact with think just like I do. What? She finds me sexually attractive and wants to do that? That thought never crosses my mind. How could it? I'm not thinking in that way.

That leads to me thinking that as long as I'm happy going forward with what's in my head, she is too. So I almost never even see a reason to bother saying anything. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I could. Getting any kind of date is hard enough. To voluntarily shatter what otherwise appears to be a great date...that just feels impossible to me.

Also, and again, maybe this is just me and my thinking, but if you hung out with someone a bunch of times, and there was mutual interest in general, would lack of that attraction really sour the whole deal?

Then there's the "jump to conclusions mat" with asexuality that it means no sex. Well, er, no...that's not what it necessarily means to me. It means I'm not going to be drooling over the thought of you throughout my day. It means I'm not going to come home and just have to get it on with you. It means I might not be as enthusiastic about sex. It does NOT mean I won't do it. Show me some respect, understanding and compassion (shit that should be there in a half decent relationship anyway), and I'm probably going to oblige, even if it does feel a little awkward to me. We can "want, will, won't" list the crap out of it and both be satisfied.

So I dunno. Overall, I might not ever say anything to a date. Maybe if sex were going to happen, and she made it clear that's where it was going, I'd say something. Again, that's not saying I won't do it, it's just saying it'll be a little different. I feel like this is a divergence from the consensus in this thread. Am I a horrible person?

No, I agree with you. I am a grey area ace. I feel like I would have sex with someone, if it were the right someone. I wouldn't do it with a random date. So the thought of me "never" wanting sex is not necessarily true. I won't be thinking about it all day. I won't want to jump all over you. But, maybe it can happen someday.

With the guys I have interacted with, I have found that not doing the "three dates means sex" thing has soured the relationship. Although, I was dating a-holes, so that's a different matter. :P I sometimes want to shake them and say "just because I like hanging out with you and doing romantic things does NOT obligate me to have sex with you!"

But getting back to the original topic... I would tell a guy either before or right after the first date, depending on the guy and the relationship we already have. I would not let it go beyond two dates without telling him. I agree that it's unfair to the other person to let them expect something that they may never have.

[butterscotchwm]

Oh man... So, I totally agree that you should come out to your date before anything gets too serious... But I actually didn't come out to my boyfriend as asexual until 4 months into the relationship, haha!!

To be fair though, at the time I had only recently decided to call myself asexual. I also didn't have much experience with dating, and I didn't think about the fact that I should have told him that from the beginning.

So we were not having sex.. We were just hanging out and going out together and such. We like to get cuddly and kissy romantic and stuff but neither he nor I have ever brought up the idea of sex. We're both virgins... and anyways I guess it might come as a shocker to some people when I say that my heterosexual boyfriend has never asked me for sex. Even before I came out to him! Never even brought it up. ^_^ I figure he must be one of those rare men with naturally low libidos.

However, of course, I couldn't just count on assuming. That, and there's also friends, family, and society in general saying things like "All men are dogs - they only want one thing." I got a little worried about it. So when I would tell close friends about my situation, they would tell me, "You HAVE to tell him that you're asexual. Because you never know, he might want it in the future and then get totally disappointed when he finds out that you're asexual."

The first thing I did was ask him over facebook if he knew what it was. He said no, so I sent him to a video talking about asexuality. He came back telling me that he thought it was intereseting, and we had a little conversation about it afterwards. I thought about just telling him right then and there in the facebook chat that I was asexual, but I figured I should hold it off until I can talk to him in person.

So I did. I invited him over to my apartment and while we were having lunch, I spilled the beans.

YOU GUYS.

His response was the most kind and open minded thing I have ever heard in my life.

Literally out of all of my friends and family, my boyfriend was the most accepting of my asexuality. He said he didn't mind, and that what we had was enough for him. I fricken love him for that!!

So yeah. Again, I agree with telling your date sooner rather than later. But if you find the right person, it won't matter when you come out to them. If they really do like you, they will be understanding and accepting of you :)