How do you figure out what your sexuality really is, when you want it to be one in particular?

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[b88]

Hello and welcome! :) I'll give you my 2 cents on your points in the order you listed them ^^

1. There are ways for you to be close to another person without it being sexual, or even romantic, so it is possible that you could be aromantic, or at least on that spectrum :) You can focus on developing an emotional (but not necessarily romantic) bond but maintain physical distance if sexual and sensual acts seem gross to you.

2. People all over the ace spectrum from completely asexual all the way to fully sexual can have a libido or not, it isn't a factor in your sexuality at all but can play a part in dictating your behaviour/how you act upon your sexual orientation :)

3. It is possible to be sexually aroused without being sexually attracted. That is, your body can respond physiologically to sexual stimuli, without that translating into a desire to actually engage in sexual activity with the person/thing that has aroused you. If you find yourself aroused but you're still repulsed by the idea of actually having sex with the person who has aroused you, then I would say that isn't the same as being sexually attracted to that person. I hope that made sense ^^;

4. As I mentioned before, you can have a libido and still be asexual :) It sounds like you are sex-repulsed, so even if you did experience sexual attraction... acting on it would be very difficult for you. Feeling disgusted by others having sex (and quietly judging them for their sexual activity) is something I have heard expressed by some other sex-repulsed asexuals, so you are not alone in feeling that way.
If you believe that you experience sexual attraction (however infrequently) that sounds more grey-A than asexual, although it does sound to me like what you experience in those situations is sexual arousal rather than an explicit desire for partnered sex with the other person.

I'd add that even if you do experience sexual attraction, you don't ever have to act on it if you don't want to. I don't think there is a way to get rid of libido, but if experiencing arousal and sexual urges is distressing to you it may be worth trying to avoid things which you know stimulate you in that way.

If you want to use a label then that is totally up to you, and you should pick whatever feels most useful to you. Only you can really define your own experiences so no one here can tell you definitively that you are ace or not.

Also, while it's really frustrating and confusing to be unsure, it's okay to be questioning and uncertain. Keep reading, exploring, and discussing things and it should become clearer. When I started questioning my own sexuality I had a notebook and I'd just write everything I was thinking and feeling without filtering any of it. Putting it all into words helped me to start make sense of it all.

Hope that helps somewhat! :)

[Musical Articuno]

This is a tough thing for anyone to answer considering there is emotional baggage tied to the situation. I can honestly say emotional baggage can hide the "true" sexuality of a person (if "truth" can really be used regarding sexuality) because it happened to me. I used to think I was asexual; however, a long talk with myself and some deep reflection and BADA BING, BADA BOOM, I'm demi XD Going back to you though because that's what this thread is all about! ^_^

Now, I'm not a psychologist or therapist by any stretch of the imagination, so, I can only provide input from an outsider with very few details of a rather complicated situation (that complication occurring simply because you're human and have had 21 years of experiences). And, thankfully, that's something you are asking XD What I can offer are perhaps some "thoughts" that popped into my head after reading your story.

1. When you say you want to be close to someone, how close do you mean? How deep of an intimacy are you looking to achieve? Are there perhaps fears of rejection tied into this?

2. Ah, libido XD Can be a pest, something awesome or anything in between depending on who you ask, but, just like sexuality, it's a continuum. It isn't directly tied to sexuality, which might make it easier when sorting this all out. There are plenty of asexuals with high libido or hetero/homo/bi/pan/etcsexuals with low libidos.

3. From the description, it sounds like the sexual feelings were forced to occur when you thought of the "sexy" body part rather than it just "happening", but, you did mention some "wiggles" occurring (it just intensified when you thought about it). You mentioned that you had some crushes, but, they weren't sexualized or romanticized. Does that mean nothing ever came out of the "investigation" or just the feelings never developed? You don't have to answer it here XD Also, is it possible those feelings "could" develop if interacting with the "right" person/personality? The answer to that question could help you in distinguishing between demisexual or asexual.

4. I can certainly see some "sex repulsion" from this post (which isn't in itself a bad thing!) And, again, not necessary to answer here, but, is it particularly tied to your emotional baggage? Or, perhaps you could be "innately sex repulsed" (not a fan of that phrasing, but, twas the best I could come up with). Just something to think about ^_^ I'm not suggesting there's a problem that needs fixing or anything, so, I hope that doesn't come across X_X I only want to provide possibilities given the information ^_^

5. I am sorry you are bothered by this issue :c It's understandable how much frustration it has been causing you, and I offer cake and some music for solace. and, I don't know what music you like, but, this is a kind of catchy, dancey electronic piece XD If you don't like electronic music, I'm so sorry! DX

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZmX8VQQiyk

6. Glados is one of my favorite video game characters!! :Z

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[wyrdwyrm]

Honestly, I'm very similar and I just label myself asexual because that's the term I feel most comfortable using right now. I had a relationship that almost happened (it's complicated), which showed me that given the right person and circumstances I can incline more towards the gray spectrum. (As this relationship has bit the dust, however, I'm firmly back into asexual-land.)

Basically, the label is mostly for you to define yourself with - there's no reason you need to somehow define the rest of your life in a single word. The permanence of that label is up to you. Since you want to define yourself as asexual, go ahead and do that. If/when you meet someone that inspires you to try something new, then you can become that something new.

To address your other concern, that defining yourself as asexual might make you avoid opportunities when they occur, I've defined myself as asexual pretty much my entire life and was fine with that. I turned down a few offers because they simply didn't interest me. When I finally got the one that did, my personal views and sexuality and whatnot stretched to accommodate this interest. Summed up, I wouldn't worry about it. If/when you're ready to change, you'll change.

(I hope this makes sense - I'm blissing out on pico de gallo right now and it's affecting my intelligence. ;) )

[b88]

Ahh okay, thank you for clarifying it ^^ I couldn't confidently say whether it's sexual attraction either, but you don't have to fight to hold onto a label - identify as whatever you feel like right now. Over time your attractions, attitudes, and feelings could change and a different identity may be more appropriate. Orientation is not necessarily static so you don't need to feel bound or imprisoned by any particular definition :)

[Musical Articuno]

I'm not entirely sure. It varies on different days. Nothing too deep at all really, I don't think. But sometimes I do want someone who is a closer than a friend.

Understandable. I can definitely relate to the last part.

In terms of the crushes, only one I looked into a little bit in that I tried to get to know them a little bit. Thing is, the "mystery" wore off very quickly and so I stepped back. There were still some feelings left over though, they were just less intense and took a while to completely go away.

I see, so, you've got some opportunity to explore here ^_^ Not with that crush, but you can definitely explore how you react the next time you experience a crush ^_^

Well I'd say my upbringing had a lot of negative messages around sex, so I'd say it has come from that. I don't think it is innate

Ah, and, that really only "disappears" with some self-exploration x_x And, that can be quite stressful for some people.

And, like the others have said, you can always change the label once new information comes along C: