Quite a dilemma -- advice please?

[EmotionalAndroid]

So let me first say that I am a closeted asexual. Nobody but you guys know. I've always said that I am "happy in this closet," and see no reason to really come out, since nobody ever asks me about my personal life. Nobody has asked me, but I've found another reason.

A local LGBQTA group is holding an asexual discussion group later this week. I really, really, really want to meet fellow asexuals in my area, and this seems like the only way to do it. Unfortunately, the event is later in the evening and I carpool with my family. I would have to tell them why I am staying late, and I am not sure I want to come out yet. I am a horrible liar, and I hate lying in the first place. Furthermore, my sister and I usually drive home together, so if I just was vague and said "I am meeting with some group in town," my mom would suggest my sister coming with....and that wouldn't end well as you can imagine.

I thought about just biting the bullet and coming out, but I am really scared. My family is super supportive and I am fairly sure they'll accept me, but I really don't like talking about anything sexual, so I am afraid they'll drag the conversation on. I just want to say "I'm asexual" and be done with it. I'm also sort of afraid they'll see me differently. I cannot accurately describe what I mean...I just feel our relationship will be somehow different and I like things the way they are.

So I guess I am just wondering what to do. Do I sacrifice my only opportunity to meet local asexuals? Or do I sacrifice my comfy place in this closet? The former is seeming better and better, but I really want to make "real life" friends. I feel like-minded people would be a good start!

[Ficulnean]

Hello. I think you should go for the truth, and maybe start with the fact that you don't want them to veer into the territory of sex during this conversation, and then say that that is because you are asexual. Explain the term. Print out a FAQ for them, and let them know that you did so because you are nervous to talk about it but can't pass up meeting other people. Then be prepared when they as a few specifcs about how this pertains to you, after they've read the FAQ. Or, hell, just modify the FAQ to contain that info you think they might ask before they ever get a chance to.

[poindexter]

Can't you tell them you're meeting a group that has something to do with something other than asexuality? It's a white lie that would get you the best of both worlds.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Can't you tell them you're meeting a group that has something to do with something other than asexuality? It's a white lie that would get you the best of both worlds.

Well, I suppose so, but I am fairly certain my mom would suggest my sister come with me. See, we're both kind of loners and my mom wants us to make friends besides each other, so anytime there is some club or something, she pushes for us both to go.

[Ficulnean]

Can't you tell them you're meeting a group that has something to do with something other than asexuality? It's a white lie that would get you the best of both worlds.

Well, I suppose so, but I am fairly certain my mom would suggest my sister come with me. See, we're both kind of loners and my mom wants us to make friends besides each other, so anytime there is some club or something, she pushes for us both to go.

And if you tell her the truth and phrase this as a way to come out of your shell, that will avoid a lot of criticism that your asexuality is due to being shy. They literally couldn't argue that to be the case when you were only telling them so that you could go out. So, if you are going to tell them, doing so for the reasons of wanting to met people has a lot about it to put the balance in your favour.

[Méshie Péshie]

Ficulnean has a solid point. They might be happier that you are going out of your way to find friends AND asking for their help to do so.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Can't you tell them you're meeting a group that has something to do with something other than asexuality? It's a white lie that would get you the best of both worlds.

Well, I suppose so, but I am fairly certain my mom would suggest my sister come with me. See, we're both kind of loners and my mom wants us to make friends besides each other, so anytime there is some club or something, she pushes for us both to go.

And if you tell her the truth and phrase this as a way to come out of your shell, that will avoid a lot of criticism that your asexuality is due to being shy. They literally couldn't argue that to be the case when you were only telling them so that you could go out. So, if you are going to tell them, doing so for the reasons of wanting to met people has a lot about it to put the balance in your favour.

Hmm, that is a really good idea.

As a matter of fact, I just walked over to the LGBQTA group and asked them about the meeting. I wasn't even really nervous. What's strange is I am nervous about just talking on the phone, let alone talking to strangers about a meeting regarding sexuality. Maybe talking to these people will be really good for me.

[the bumbling rotifer]

Could you say you're going to an LGBT event in order to support someone that you know, who is exploring their sexuality (only a slight lie- you're going to support yourself :p)? If they ask you who it is, you could just say that your friend asked you not to tell.

[Ficulnean]

Awesome. I hope that means that you've decided to tell them. (I had the same surprising lack of nervousness when posting my Asexual Awareness Week flyers around uni, it really is great to have something like that that doesn't do that nervous thing that other interactions do--if you think that this might be that thing for you, then I cannot stress, as an anxious person myself, how much I support you in this. As a nervous person, I also support being too nervous to tell your family, of course, because I know how it is you feel when you say lying wouldn't work, not because you don't think it's a good idea or imoral or anything like that, but because you just can't.)

[EmotionalAndroid]

Could you say you're going to an LGBT event in order to support someone that you know, who is exploring their sexuality (only a slight lie- you're going to support yourself :P)? If they ask you who it is, you could just say that your friend asked you not to tell.

That is a good idea, but I don't have any friends and my mom knows that.

Awesome. I hope that means that you've decided to tell them. (I had the same surprising lack of nervousness when posting my Asexual Awareness Week flyers around uni, it really is great to have something like that that doesn't do that nervous thing that other interactions do--if you think that this might be that thing for you, then I cannot stress, as an anxious person myself, how much I support you in this. As a nervous person, I also support being too nervous to tell your family, of course, because I know how it is you feel when you say lying wouldn't work, not because you don't think it's a good idea or imoral or anything like that, but because you just can't.)

I am still not sure. I sort of feel I should, and I certainly feel a lot better about the whole thing, but something is still holding me back. I don't know what. I guess I am just worried that I can never take it back. Once I make this step, there is no going back to my happy closet. But my parents might feel betrayed if they found out I was in this group and did not tell them first.

Thank you for your support, as well. It's great to know I am not alone as an Anxious Ace. :)

[Endymion]

I would say, come out. Coming from someone who has recently come out to a similarly supportive family, it's awkward to come out and the process will probably be drug out, but honestly it feels really good to get it off your chest. Your parents might ask you question, tell you that you might find a person you want to bee sexual with in the future, suggest you're still too young to know for positive, and possibly suggest that you have a hormone imbalance (mine did all of these), but in the end, they'll still love and support you. Also, I say seize any opportunity to meet other asexuals in your area. Finding other asexuals is a refreshing experience and it makes on feel a lot less alone.

Of course, you do right by you. If you're not comfortable with something, don't feel pressured to do it.

Good luck

[Ficulnean]

Well, I can't in good faith say that that point about not being able to take it back is not serious. So, do whatever you think is right (note, not what feels right, as I really would be sad to see anxiety impact you on this, and a normal degree of anxiety about this is fine. An abnormal amount is expected). All I can say is I told my parents something else (not my asexuality), and wish I could take it back. But, with what I told them, a happy response would not have been appropriate. This is keeping me from saying right away that I'm asexual to them, because I appreciate timing (which you have) and the fact that I don't have any friends to fall back on should they fail to supprt me, and am able to know that them knowing doesn't automatically give me the feeling of satisfaction I would want (I'm going to an asexuality workshop tomorrow so I'm hoping to expand my network).

I can say this though: with one confession gone as well as it could, which was bad, I know I will tell them about my asexuality before lying about it. This is because finding out something about yourself that aids in your identity is to be celebrated, not hidden away. If I were in your shoes (and I hope you have one really close friend or something, and if you do see my endoresment as unilateral) I would choose to tell them. I know how I'd feel about letting my nerves get the better of me.

Oh, darn. That last line is what I used to convience myself to tell them that other thing.

Well, just my final thoughts on the matter: I'd use my expereince here to draw a very fine distinction, but I will ask you first to think of what you are anxoius about for a second and stop reading.

Is you're anxiety is about them seeing you differently? If so, then go for it. If they know you're asexual they should be expected to see you a bit differently, but this difference is actually a move in the right direction of actually understanding you. If it's about them possibly reacting negatively, then don't. That, well that hurts too much. (Which is why having a good friend factors in, by the way.)

I'm going to stop posting every 2nd post here. If you want to talk further, pm me.

Oh. Yeah, they'd have no right to feel betrayed if they found out later. I seed you've been a member for three ish months. When you first started here (if that coincides with when you realized you were asexual) you probably realized it was silly to go straight to telling people. It's no less silly to want good timing on this. The only reason that I'm pushing one option rather obviously is because you do have good timing, and can gain something no matter what their reply is, and that matters. But, it doesn't make you obligated. If you'd rather never tell them, then this shouldn't force you to change that. If you wanted to tell them but were just waiting for it to be ;right' to, whatever that means, then this is probably a really really good time to. Which nevertheless does not obligate you either.

[EmotionalAndroid]

So I accomplished another feat today. I went in to see the coordinator of the event and asked her if I could somehow get in contact with the other aseuxals at the event if I don't end up making it. She said she'd ask if anyone wanted to share contact info and get back to me after the meeting. So that's a positive! In an ideal world, I could get the contact info of these folks, then maybe arrange to meet them at some other time where my family wouldn't know about it! That makes me feel a bit better that I don't have to make a huge decision is such a short amount of time.

Also, the coordinator said that this will be the first of hopefully many asexual discussion groups. So if I don't go this week, I will still have other opportunities! The more I think about it, the less I want to go this particular week anyway, because I realized the meeting center where the asexuality group meets that night is also hosting a crazy pre-Halloween party, and I don't want to be around at night when weird adult Halloween parties are going on.

But anyway, this gives me a lot to think about, and now I am not feeling so rushed. There are no ultimatums anymore, which relieves me a great deal. Plus, I overcame my social anxiety and actually went to talk to the LGBTQA coordinator! I can't believe I actually did that! :)

Thank you so very much to everyone who replied to me. It makes me so happy to see so many empathetic posts by people who are willing to listen and lend a hand! It's really a relief to see people genuinely care. <3

I am sure I will have more questions later once I make a decision. (I still haven't quite decided on the meeting this week....but eh...I'll figure it out)

[Angeliss]

You can always just say you're curious and want to know more about asexuality. Plus, ace peeps are fun to hang around without everyone trying to pair up by the end.

Whatever you decide, I'm glad things are going well for you!

[Sally]

Don't feel that if you don't share your orientation with your family now, but still initiate contact with the asexual group, that you are keeping something from your family. Parents don't share everything with their sons/daughters, and kids don't have to share everything with their parents (as long as it's not something regarding safety that the parents need to know). If you do end up sharing your asexuality with them, you don't have to do a huge explanation with all the terminology. You could say you're not sure you are interested in having partner-type relationships, and you just want to talk to different groups about how they've dealt with those issues.

[EmotionalAndroid]

So I am wondering now if I should lie. There is a club that meets that is a part of my department. If I said I was going to that, my mom would not suggest that my sister comes with.

But I would be lying, and I feel like it is wrong to hide what I am doing from my parents. The reason I've never come out to them before is that I did not need to. I wasn't hiding anything. It's not like I was homosexual and was secretly dating someone -- that would be hiding to me. But there was nothing I needed to hide and my orientation was irrelevant. Now, because this meeting is related to my orientation, I feel like I shouldn't hide it.

The odd thing is that I don't feel bad about hiding my presence on this site. I don't tell them I post here, but I guess I feel the digital world is less important?

Gah. I've been going back and forth with this decision like crazy.

Edit:

Jeez, I have been worrying over this for two days and I have so much homework to do. Today I've been going back and forth between doing work, and watching coming out videos and posting here. Bleh.

[EmotionalAndroid]

...so I chickened out. Today was my last chance, and I let it go. I let my homework depress me and I figured doing work was more important than friends, which has been my belief for the past 10+ years. Plus, I just don't think I am ready for coming out yet. I felt like I was rushing things, just to "come out" in time for this meeting. It just felt wrong.

Thankfully, I am in contact with the coordinator of the event. Maybe I can arrange a meeting during the day some time in the future where this won't be an issue at all. Also, she said she'd collect contact info for me if people were open to that, so maybe I'll get to meet other asexuals yet!

[Qwerty]

I think you should tell your family you're going on a date. You won't get any suggestion for your sister to follow along.

[EmotionalAndroid]

I think you should tell your family you're going on a date. You won't get any suggestion for your sister to follow along.

Oh gee, no offense but I don't think that would go well. I don't want them suspecting that I am doing anything sexual or even romantic for that matter. The thought of me in a situation like that disgusts me, and the thought of them thinking that makes me feel awful! :o

One of the reasons I don't want to come out is because the topic of dating/romance/sex is bound to come up and I don't want to discuss it. I'm used to being in the background, and I don't want my sexuality to come to the forefront.

[Sally]

Emotional, you seem to know yourself pretty well. You don't have to explain anything you're not ready to. (Or ever.)

[Ficulnean]

Hey, it's good that you didn't end up doing anything in a rush, and do have something to go off of still. I'm sure more oppritunities to expand your network without that requiring your hoping your parents become a part of it will come up.

[EmotionalAndroid]

Emotional, you seem to know yourself pretty well. You don't have to explain anything you're not ready to. (Or ever.)

Thanks for the reassurance!

Hey, it's good that you didn't end up doing anything in a rush, and do have something to go off of still. I'm sure more oppritunities to expand your network without that requiring your hoping your parents become a part of it will come up.

Yes, I think things went pretty well. I know I was letting this eat away at me and distract me from more important things.

Again, I really appreciate all your advice. It was really helpful and made me really think about what I want. (And don't be sorry for "stealing" this thread. There is no such thing! :) )

[Ficulnean]

Sure there's such a thing as stealing a thread. All I have to do is post something inane like this.

[Aisntllecxtual]

I respect your desire not to lie or deceive in any way your loved ones. You have also found a way to reach out, and, perhaps, in the future meet up with other asexuals in your area. Eventually, I think, you'll find that place, that time, when you can nudge that closet door ajar - and, perhaps, creak it even further than you might ever imagine doing - but that will be on your own comfortable terms, as it should be.

[EmotionalAndroid]

An update!

So the Ace meetup group added me to their email list! They're deciding on a meeting time, so hopefully they will pick a time where I can attend with no issue of coming out to my family.

Also, I am super excited because I think I recognize one of the other names on the email list. I think this person is in the same department as me! I really want to email them just to say "Hi," but that might be weird.

Squeee, I am so happy!