Totally TMI *trigger warning* etc. Asexy ladies who self please, questions in here!

[Angeliss]

So, I have a totally embarrassing question. :redface:

First things first. I masturbate on a semi-regular basis to help myself sleep. But any kind of penetration feels painful/extremely uncomfortable. Is this normal/common among asexual women?

I'm just going to be brave and post this. :redface:

[Tyto_alba]

I masturbate on a regular basis too, but for the opposite reason as you. It helps me get out of bed in the morning. Penetration feels uncomfortable to me too. I've heard that feeling tense/nervous can make it feel worse, but I don't know how true that is. I don't bother with penetration. I don't get anything out of it.

[astrobean]

It depends on how long you've been doing it and what you're doing it with. When you're relatively new to masturbation, you're going to be tight and anything bigger than a finger is probably not going to be comfortable. Also, speaking as someone who has no sexual fantasies, there's nothing really driving you to enjoy it beyond finding that sweet spot, and that takes practice. I don't remember if it was several months or a year before I could finally loosen up enough to accommodate a toy (I don't use my fingers because I don't like it when my fingers smell funky), and I always have a good lubricant on hand. Now I know how to make it feel good, but vaginas that are new to penetration are tight, and so it's perfectly normal for it to be uncomfortable. No matter what you read in erotica or porn, you can't loosen yourself up just by working fingers. It does require some sort of arousal and practice.

If it is beyond discomfort and is painful, then you're either trying to put something in that is too wide (wider than a finger, or weirdly ridged) or you may have a medical condition. There are medical conditions that make penetration uncomfortable. I'm not doctor, so I can't diagnose.

My recommendation - buy a nice vibe and stick to clitoral orgasms. They're just as good. (Also, great for period cramps.)

[interpol]

I don't consider myself asexual, nor do I really like labels in the first place. I also have difficulty writing or speaking of this topic in any circle.

However, I am the same way as you, OP. Something about all of it feels indecent and destructive to me.

[WhenSummersGone]

I feel the same. The idea of pleasing myself that way and using fingers sounds uncomfortable. I stick with clit stimulation and that works well. I do it to relax or to get rid of that itch my body has.

[Sinead Buckley]

When a women becomes sexually aroused, her vagina will go through a process called "vaginal tenting" where the length inside expands from 3-4 inches to about 6-8 inches (the width also increases). It's basically just a physiological response that protects the vaginal cavity and cervix from being damaged. It may be that you aren't allowing yourself to become properly aroused before insertion and I can certainly see why that may be a painful experience. I suggest you properly stimulate the external areas (clitoral massage) before insertion as that will allow the vagina to tent and lubricate itself. And my last piece of advice is that you want to be gentle about it and start slowly as well as working in combination with the external stimulation. Good luck and don't forget that masturbation and orgasms are good for female health (decreases risk of heart attacks) so there's no need to feel shy or embarrassed about it!

[Cimmerian]

It was extremely uncomfortable (sometimes even painful) for me the first several times there was any kind of penetration at all (tampons anyone? ). Even after that there seems to be an adaption period where you need to relax or "loosen up" before trying anything penetration-wise, as some of the others said.

On the other side, even after that happens and you're at least mildly used to it there is no guarantee it will be pleasurable. It doesn't do anything for me. I think that's pretty common for women in general, really, since most women's pleasure come from clitoral or other external stimulation.

[DomDom]

I feel the same. The idea of pleasing myself that way and using fingers sounds uncomfortable. I stick with clit stimulation and that works well. I do it to relax or to get rid of that itch my body has.

Same here, luckily "that itch" only comes about once every two months

[WhenSummersGone]

I feel the same. The idea of pleasing myself that way and using fingers sounds uncomfortable. I stick with clit stimulation and that works well. I do it to relax or to get rid of that itch my body has.

Same here, luckily "that itch" only comes about once every two months

You're lucky. My body gets the itch every few days or so. It's so annoying.

[Schrecken]

Well, when I masturbate, I don't bother with penetration (OK, I tried it briefly when I was much younger, and it didn't hurt, it just didn't do anything for me), just clitoral stimulation. So I don't have that problem when I'm taking care of my self. However, recently when I was fooling around with my kink buddy, he was trying to take care of it for me, and he used his fingers (along with clitoral stimulation) and, for some reason, that actually added to the experience for me. I didn't experience any pain either.

However, whenever I go to the gyno, I do often experience pain, so for me it boils down to being in a good state of arousal before there will be no pain with any kind of penetration. Maybe you are trying penetration too early on, and not giving yourself time to become more aroused? As said, I had no trouble on my own, but I just got nothing out of it, so I don't bother with it.

[Angeliss]

I think as long as I don't have a relationship where that kind of thing is expected/needed, I'll be fine.

Tampons are awful. Doctor says nothing is wrong. It just doesn't feel good. *shrugs*

[flower child]

I think as long as I don't have a relationship where that kind of thing is expected/needed, I'll be fine.

Tampons are awful. Doctor says nothing is wrong. It just doesn't feel good. *shrugs*

I thought I was the only one who felt that way about tampons! To me they hurt.... I refuse to use them. Nice to know I'm not alone ^_^

[b88]

I hate tampons too! x(

And penetration during masturbation never even occurred to me until someone else suggested it. I never really understood why fingering was supposed to be so pleasurable, I figured it must just be a warm-up for something bigger to get up in there :lol: clit stimulation is where it's at!

I've had sexual relationships and what I learned from those is that you need to be really relaxed, have enough lubrication, and go as slow as you need to until you adjust to it (ramming stuff anywhere is a bad plan xD).

[Saraya]

I don't use fingers when I masturbate. Most of the time I either clench my legs together or I lay down and rub against my fist or something else.

Penetration to me is very uncomfortable. I've tried fingers and it didn't feel good at all. I also hate tampons as well.

[MadRat]

I don´t know if it is usual for asexuals but I can´t insert anything inside. It hurts so much I can´t even use tampons. I have extremely unbreakable hymen, so much I would need a surgery if I wanted to have sex.

But it never naturally came to my mind I should put something inside. If someone else didn´t tell me, I would never figured it out by myself. On the other hand, I started to masturbate when I was 4 or 5, I don´t remember how I found out what to do. :D But it is the only form of "sexual" activity which feels natural to me.

[knout]

You might want to read this and see if this actually sounds like what you're feeling, it's more common than how much it's spoken about

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vaginismus

[Guest]

I think as long as I don't have a relationship where that kind of thing is expected/needed, I'll be fine.

Tampons are awful. Doctor says nothing is wrong. It just doesn't feel good. *shrugs*

I think I may have some suggestions for you? :o but be warned, there will be loooots of TMI!

yup, my doc (all the ones I saw - there were a lot) all said the same - nothing is wrong. why? because docs know all about male sexual issues, every sexual issue a male can have under the sun, docs seem to know about and know how to treat, but for some reason very few of them have heard of volvadynia and vestibulodynia (which I myself didn't learn about until a couple of years ago after deciding to find an answer for myself)

What causes these conditions is not exactly known (because not enough studies have been done) though there are many theories out there. but I believe it is hypersensitivity in the nerves in the skin of the vulva (that's everything from the clitoris to the anus between the bigger outer lips).

what it feels like to me is um, after a scold burn, how the nerves on your skin where the burn was are all sensitive and exposed, and if you rub over the burn, it causes agony and irritation of the nerve etc. well that's the only thing I can compare the feeling to exactly. it's not nice.

So, vulvodynia is feeling constant pain, so bad sometimes you can hardly walk. it never really goes away, and is often irritated by wearing underwear or pants, walking, wiping after going to the toilet to pee, let alone having sex (these are extreme cases I am refering to by the way)

And vestibulodynia is pain "only on penetration" (like you described).. so you can masturbate okay etc, but penetration causes rather extreme pain and discomfort (no matter how aroused you are or how much lubrication there is etc). This is different than vaginismus, which is where the muscles in the vagina spasm and tighten upon penetration, so nothing can enter into the vagina without a lot of force (vaginismus is often caused my childhood sexual abuse. the brain is trying to protect the body by remembered pain by closing that opening up) whereas there is no known correlations between sexual abuse and vulvodynia or vestibulodynia.

with vulvodynia and vestibulodynia, penetration is still perfectly possible, it's just agony.

of course, there are varying degrees of pain, some only experience mild discomfort, some experience burning agony that can last for days. the pain can fluctuate for women too, like, if they have thrush then that can irritate the pain even worse. sometimes the pain may even go completely, then come back unexpectedly.

for me, I can't touch my clitoris or the outside of the urethra or anything, because of pain, but the pain doesn't last .. whereas if I have penetration (docs exam, sex, finger, tampon) then, inside my vagina opening there is extreme, mind-numbing, burning pain. if the penetration continues (like with sex) then my genitals become swollen and bright red and sometimes I can hardly walk for days (this is despite using lubrication).

Docs will say things like "you need to relax more" "not enough lube" "semen allergy" (yup because tampons come with free semen?) but with vulvodynia and vestibulodynia, no amount of arousal or lubrication really tales away that paon completely. and honestly, how many women have to get in the mood and lube themselves up just to insert a tampon, let alone have sex?

I do masturbate, but to do it I have to use a towel between my legs and I rub the towel.. haha weird I know.

And no, I've said it a hundred times, I'll say it again (just in case anyone is thinking it) this is *not* the cause of my asexuality. If I could have the pain taken away tomorrow, I still would not have any desire for partnered sex despite having a relatively high to average libido depending on the day. I have had sex when very drunk (much less pain) and while aroused, and still got nothing out of sex, just "meh. this is so lame I can't wait for it to be over I'm so bored" heh. I desire sensual intimacy, yet have no desire for sexual intimacy and do not enjoy the experience when I do have it, NOT because of pain, but because.. it's just not something I'm into I guess :p

so, does any of this pain sound similar to yours?

pain during penetration can also be caused by lack of lubrication and lack of sufficient arousal, also by having a tight vaginal canal, but your doctor should be aware of all these conditions and be able to tell you about these. weirdly just none of them seem to know about vestibulodynia and vulvodynia, even though for sexual women it can destroy their lives (wanting sex with their partner, not being able to have it due to the pain, docs tell them nothing is wrong they need to relax more,and their partners end up leaving them for not being able to give something the woman wants to give and wants to be able enjoy etc.. it's a rather sorry state of affairs.)

when I thought I was just a broken sexual and thought that sex was something I was meant to be able to want, I discovered lignocaine 2% gel. you rub it over your opening and it makes you go completely numb, so you can still get tampons in if you have to swim, or if you have a sexual partner you can rub it on afterwards to stop the pain. it dulls also the nerves it's amazing. they use it hospital for catheter insertions :)

Anyway, I think for sexual women this would be utterly awful because they still *want* to have sex and enjoy it. For me, it doesn't affect me at all other than at that time of the month (which I'd like to be able to find a way to end permanently, even pads pressing against me cause sooo much pain, let alone tampons which I just avoid perpetually) .. so yeah, yay for being ace I say :p

[Angeliss]

I knew about vaginismus, and that it wasn't something I've dealt with. It's not that I'm too tight or not lubricated enough. It feels a lot like a rug burn, like that sore, sensitive, almost burning discomfort. I might have vestibulodynia, but not to the severity that you mention.

Sigh. It's a well known fact that women's sexual health is much farther behind than men's is. We're supposed to sit back and think of England, so not enjoying sex is not a problem.

[Guest]

I knew about vaginismus, and that it wasn't something I've dealt with. It's not that I'm too tight or not lubricated enough. It feels a lot like a rug burn, like that sore, sensitive, almost burning discomfort. I might have vestibulodynia, but not to the severity that you mention.

Sigh. It's a well known fact that women's sexual health is much farther behind than men's is. We're supposed to sit back and think of England, so not enjoying sex is not a problem.

Rug burn sounds like it very much could be vestibulodynia. It is characterized by 'burning sensations' as opposed to itching or pressure or aching. I think mine got so bad because I was forcing myself to have A LOT of sex, under the mistaken impression that the more I had of it, the more I would want to have it. The original doctor I saw said that my pain was just due to inexperience, so I needed to keep practicing *sigh* Also, my ex didn't give me choice. It was give him sex, or give him sex. No two ways about it.

So I would imagine that contributed greatly to the severity of my condition. I have't had sex since 2011 (when I left my ex) and can very happily say I never will again :P

[Angeliss]

I'm glad your ex is no more. He was an abusive jerk, and you deserve to be treated with more respect.

[Guest]

I'm glad your ex is no more. He was an abusive jerk, and you deserve to be treated with more respect.

Thanks! He is in jail for the foreseeable future ^_^ and my ace darling treats me with more respect than I ever though I could hope for in a relationship or anywhere else in life... I truly am very lucky to have him, and hope to keep him for the rest of my life (he cooks and cleans too!!) if that's not awesome then I don't know what is. heh

[pma01]

I don´t know if it is usual for asexuals but I can´t insert anything inside. It hurts so much I can´t even use tampons. I have extremely unbreakable hymen, so much I would need a surgery if I wanted to have sex.

But it never naturally came to my mind I should put something inside. If someone else didn´t tell me, I would never figured it out by myself. On the other hand, I started to masturbate when I was 4 or 5, I don´t remember how I found out what to do. :D But it is the only form of "sexual" activity which feels natural to me.

I don´t know if it is usual for asexuals but I can´t insert anything inside. It hurts so much I can´t even use tampons. I have extremely unbreakable hymen, so much I would need a surgery if I wanted to have sex.

But it never naturally came to my mind I should put something inside. If someone else didn´t tell me, I would never figured it out by myself. On the other hand, I started to masturbate when I was 4 or 5, I don´t remember how I found out what to do. :D But it is the only form of "sexual" activity which feels natural to me.

maybe i dont belong in this conversation. but i agree that masturbation is the only sexual activity that feels right to me. i would be perfectly content without any other sexual activity

[Corretto]

Angeliss...I admit that I don't fulfill your Q's prerequisites, but...

I knew about vaginismus, and that it wasn't something I've dealt with. It's not that I'm too tight or not lubricated enough. It feels a lot like a rug burn, like that sore, sensitive, almost burning discomfort. I might have vestibulodynia, but not to the severity that you mention.

Sigh. It's a well known fact that women's sexual health is much farther behind than men's is. We're supposed to sit back and think of England, so not enjoying sex is not a problem.

...I would like you to explain the last sentence

. From a aro-ace male's perspective; I can't relate to the "...well known fact..." you refer. Cia :)

[Ziggy_G]

It doesn't feel uncomfortable for me, doesn't feel good either, but doesn't feel uncomfortable

[Guest]

Angeliss...I admit that I don't fulfill your Q's prerequisites, but...

I knew about vaginismus, and that it wasn't something I've dealt with. It's not that I'm too tight or not lubricated enough. It feels a lot like a rug burn, like that sore, sensitive, almost burning discomfort. I might have vestibulodynia, but not to the severity that you mention.

Sigh. It's a well known fact that women's sexual health is much farther behind than men's is. We're supposed to sit back and think of England, so not enjoying sex is not a problem.

...I would like you to explain the last sentence

. From a aro-ace male's perspective; I can't relate to the "...well known fact..." you refer. Cia :)

There is a treatment for practically every male sexual dysfunction under the sun, yet many issues regarding the sexual arousal/pleasure/pain of females have not even been thoroughly researched, let alone have treatments that have been devised for such conditions. For a long time womens sexual issues did not matter so much, as a woman can 'have sex' regardless of arousal or enjoyment, she just has to lie there with her legs open. I guess also the fact that most people researching these things were males, for so long,would be another good reason why the scales are so clearly tipped in the favor of males with sexual dysfunction, and why females are just left in the dark a lot of the time. We are told by doctors to relax more, try meditation. whereas a male will be given actual pills etc to help treat whatever condition he has that is affecting him.

It's only in recent years that anyone is beginning to pay any real attention to the female side of sexual dysfunction, however not enough attention that any doc I have ever met (or gynecologist for that matter) actually knows the terms vestibulodynia or volvadynia. Even vaginismus was something that never came up for me, and that's a lot more common than the other two conditions.

[KaiserinSisi]

Yeah tampons are no fun for me and I've never manged to make vaginal stimulation work for me. It just doesn't do anything for unless I'm really aroused. Then, if I'm really lucky, I might get a tingling. I pretty much just do it make myself more comfortable down there.

[binary suns]

[ranting ferret]

When a women becomes sexually aroused, her vagina will go through a process called "vaginal tenting" where the length inside expands from 3-4 inches to about 6-8 inches (the width also increases). It's basically just a physiological response that protects the vaginal cavity and cervix from being damaged. It may be that you aren't allowing yourself to become properly aroused before insertion and I can certainly see why that may be a painful experience. I suggest you properly stimulate the external areas (clitoral massage) before insertion as that will allow the vagina to tent and lubricate itself. And my last piece of advice is that you want to be gentle about it and start slowly as well as working in combination with the external stimulation. Good luck and don't forget that masturbation and orgasms are good for female health (decreases risk of heart attacks) so there's no need to feel shy or embarrassed about it!

also remember that in that area are muscles which need time to relax and get blood flow to them.

this may or may not apply/be helpful, but remember that some of the discomfort you're feeling may be from the hymen. it is a membrane that gets stretched and after stimulation/orgasm/etc will go back to regular. everyone's is shaped differently but it is not a full covering that breaks or pops. but if things are going too quickly, too wide, too far, too dry, not enough arousal can all impact this.

and don't forget that it's your body and your say how you do things, what you do and it's your choice if you don't want to. it's all okay.

[Angeliss]

Cia- Pan-Ficto beat me to it, but she pretty much stated everything. But in addition, there's also the idea that women don't need to enjoy sex to bear children. Whereas when men have sexual issues, having kids usually doesn't happen. And most doctors historically have been men, and coming out of the Victorian era, men could talk about sex with their doctors, and women could not, because it was crossing a line. It's only of late that women's health has been catching up.