Don't think of myself as a "he" or "she", but as a "me"

[Per Aspera Ad Astra]

Hey guys!

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. About my asexuality, about who I am, about my most-likely depression. And I've also come to realise something about my gender. I never really questioned my gender before, but my asexuality has made me realized so many things about myself that I had to think about it too.

I was born a girl, but I don't feel like a girl. And I don't feel like a boy either. I just feel like a person. I'm me. I'm just me. I don't mind having girl parts, and I don't mind being referred to as a "she" or "her", but that's because it doesn't really mean anything regarding who I am deep down. Besides, I don't even look that feminine: I'm 5'10" (179cm), I have very broad shoulders, I put on muscle weight very easily, I have really small boobs. But why would I care? Small breasts are awesome when you practise as much horse-riding as I do, and being tall with broad shoulders means I'm physically very strong and that can always come in handy. Especially when dealing with a horse like mine.

Most people thought of me as a tomboy when I was a kid, because I liked playing rough and playing with cars and space shuttles. Same today, because I don't really pay much attention to the way I dress, and would rather throw on an awesome Doctor Who t-shirt than a dress, or because I play video games and have "guys interests" instead of liking shopping and make-up and gossiping.

But that has nothing to do with me being a girl or a tom boy or whatever it is people want to call me. It has everything to do with me being me. I love Doctor Who, and Marvel, and anything Joss Whedon related, and I like comfortable clothes, so why shouldn't I wear a shirt that is both comfortable and awesome-looking? I've always been a dreamer, and I've always wanted to live wonderful and dangerous adventures, and I find our universe deeply and annoyingly boring, so why shouldn't I be playing video games or to be playing laser tag or air soft as it allows me to somehow "live" these amazing adventures through role-playing? I've always been an energetic person, with a lot of strength and steam to blow off, and with a need for hobbies that help me focus, so why shouldn't I want to learn how to shoot a gun, a bow and a crossbow, and take on combat sports?

I don't feel like a girl, and I don't feel like a boy. I'm just me, and that's enough. All this "boys do/don't do that while girls do/don't do that" confuses the shit out of me. Seriously, I'm at a loss here. And I have to admit I have trouble understanding how can one identify as either male or female. I'm just satisfied with being me, and I don't need a gender for that.

I don't see people as genders either. That's why I know I'm biromantic (well, technically, I'm panromantic, but anyway): I don't think we fall in love with someone's sex or gender, we fall in love with who they are as a person. Their gender or sex has nothing to do with it. Not for me anyway. Hell, I don't even really see other people as a "he" or "she", more as a "they", as a person. I mean, I know if they're male or female, and I use the proper pronouns when addressing them, but that's not how I see them. I just see who they are, their personality, their quirks and their qualities, the things I love or hate about them. I just see them; I really see them.

So, what does that make me? Agender? I know labels aren't that important, but they help. Especially when trying to explain people how you feel and what/who you are.

Uh, it feels good to finally put words on these thoughts and feelings!

[llamajesus]

You basically summed up how I feel about myself right there. Though I have a more small and feminine body structure, the rest of this really applies to me. I'm a huge tomboy like you, and I feel like I have a mix of both feminine and masculine characteristics so I've never been sure how I would identify. I'm not sure if this would be considered being agender, since I haven't looked much into the different genders, but it sounds like it could be. It's good to see you were able to come to this realization about yourself though :)

[Burgundy]

Look, I'm just a cis-gender woman here so I can't comment that much on genders, especially not other people's gender.. but I can say that by reading that, you sound totally awesome. Feel free to chat sometime :) xx

[Per Aspera Ad Astra]

But see, that's the point, I don't even think of myself as a tomboy. It's just the way people describe me, and it really confuses me. Especially that, in French, a tomboy is "garçon manqué", which could be translated as "failed boy". As in, "you should have been a boy, but sorry, you weren't good enough to make it". Why, just why? I don't understand why some things would be acceptable for one gender and not the other, and vice-versa. We're all people, and we're all persons, and we're all "MEs", so why aren't all things acceptable (or unacceptable) for everyone?

Haha, will do, Burgundy, will do! Anyone calling me awesome has my attention :D

[TheStarrySkai]

I understand you completely. Although I usually end up looking like an 11 boy half the time nowadays. I've honestly never payed attention to stereotypes and I've never thought of myself as a tomboy, I just did whatever seemed cool ya know?

Agender could fit you. I wouldn't know. As practically everyone says, its up to you. I don't stalk you and your brain, that would be creepy.

Anyways you do seem super awesome!!!!!! yay for you!!!

[butterflydreams]

Well, if it helps any, you basically took words from my head and put them here as your own from your head. :)

I can very much relate to what you've said here. Though for myself, I'm a substantially less than psyched about "boy parts" that I have. (I need to have a serious talk with the male-body design engineers about a few things). I've seen a lot of female-bodied people here and elsewhere saying how they felt being a girl was so confining and restrictive. Funny, I say the same thing about being a boy. And it sounds like you're saying something similar. I don't understand how certain things can be "guy" things. Why would someone say that? Or "girl" things. Why should all those things be "off limits" to me? Do I want all of them? No, not necessarily, but don't immediately tell me I can't have them just because of my gender. I tend to look at the things I like and the things I do as gender-neutral even if others don't. They're just things I'm doing. And I'm just a person.

On the flip side, I've never felt it should be praised as much as it sometimes is to see a girl doing something in a realm inhabited mostly by boys. Ooo, a girl who likes electronics or computers. So what? That just means we'd probably have a lot in common. I bet she's a cool person. (Computers are cool now, kids ;))

I don't know if that makes you agender. Only you can decide that for yourself. I've come to find the label very useful, so I use it. It lifts off the "restrictions" and lets me be much more me than I had been. You're certainly welcome to try it out for yourself and see if you find it useful as well. Or maybe you'll find some other label that's even better.

[kiaroskuro]

Especially that, in French, a tomboy is "garçon manqué", which could be translated as "failed boy".

For some reason I really like this expression (see left), but I understand where you're coming from. I'm don't feel too tomboyish either, as I'm mostly apathetic about my gender. Call it genderqueer, call it genderfluid; what the heck do I know. It's just that I don't want people to assume certain things just because their first impression of me is that of a woman. I often feel like a small boy rather than a grown-up woman.

I don't think we fall in love with someone's sex or gender, we fall in love with who they are as a person. Their gender or sex has nothing to do with it.

Word!

[llamajesus]

But see, that's the point, I don't even think of myself as a tomboy. It's just the way people describe me, and it really confuses me. Especially that, in French, a tomboy is "garçon manqué", which could be translated as "failed boy". As in, "you should have been a boy, but sorry, you weren't good enough to make it". Why, just why? I don't understand why some things would be acceptable for one gender and not the other, and vice-versa. We're all people, and we're all persons, and we're all "MEs", so why aren't all things acceptable (or unacceptable) for everyone?

Haha, will do, Burgundy, will do! Anyone calling me awesome has my attention :D

I actually didn't know that about the word tomboy, but that's really interesting. I get where you're coming from with that too. I mainly used to call myself a tomboy because I wasn't as feminine as other people around me, and it was the only word I ever thought of to describe myself. Don't use it so much now but I occasionally do (obviously haha). But yeah, I wish society didn't have such distinct expectations of each gender, and that everyone could dress/act/etc. however they feel comfortable without being judged by everyone else around you.

[Guest]

I can't even tell you if I'm more masculine or feminine without a common frame of reference. My gender attributes are not absolute.

[Emery.]

Just like me. I'm not sure what kind of gender it makes me either.

I'm less of a tomboy, but I don't get why combat sports and all the other stuff are bad for females too ;) I don't get all the gender role stuff either: names, pronouns, gendered verbs (my native language), clothes, hairstyles. People are people and why some of them get so distressed about "oooh, but it's boys' stuff", I don't know.

Ooooouuu, who said "electronics"? ^_^ I have unfortunatelly little idea about it, except for the Physics class stuff and constructed just 1 radio on some workshops, but whoever does anything about it - what do you construct or do?

"I'm don't feel too tomboyish either, as I'm mostly apathetic about my gender. Call it genderqueer, call it genderfluid" - like me. I call it today genderqueer, but I called it also discomfort conneceted to gender, agender, being wierd, male brain, feeling like a different species/ alien, heterosexual lesbian, female gay (in the male sense), social gender dysphoria, not liking gender roles and many other... "me" is the best description.

[Hooded_Crow]

I absolutely and totally agree and relate to everything you said, Midnight. I'm a "me" too. Hello, you :)

[truthisbest7]

To Midnight.....you read my mind and spoke the words from your heart and mine. I couldn't have done it better. It took me a very long time to figure out what has been going on inside of me. When I was young my favorite toy was a toy machining gun and all summer I lived in a tree house and played war or spies with the neighbor boy. He was my friend. You know what I realized just the other day? When I was a young girl, I never thought of myself as a GIRL. I was just me. I could go on for hours with examples. The way that I differed from my cousins was amazing. They used to play with dolls and I never wanted to. I would rather play by myself. Or ride my bike. Or play with army men. Or build something. Or watch insects. I have never been able to relate with other females. Only males.

[Cumatilis]

Wow, you really sounds like me. I'm much more "feminine" than you, but I always never thought myself as a girl or boy, either. I realized this only a few days ago. In fact, I've thought this feeling is just commmon. It was just obvious to me that treat someone as a "person", not by gender. now I started to wonder what "manly" or "feminine" exactly mean? I don't know much about various genders. It's hard to see what gender means to me.

Anyway, you look GREATLY awesome person. you are a "you". It's a perfect definition.

[S.Kobold]

So, I'm not sure that preferences for past times/livelihoods makes, influences, or is affected by, gender. Just as preferences for music isn't ever seen as a gendered thing - why should preferences for books or films be gendered?

And I don't think it's usual for much of society to think this way either.

Yes - there are some things that are marketed as "for boys" or "for girls". But I think that is simply marketing, and nothing whatsoever to do with gender.

For the last 40 years or so the culture I am in has been moving towards equality between the sexes (now genders) - but this is a slow process. And while the equality is by no means perfect (why do male football players get paid so much more than female? there is still a (currently widening) pay gap, women still do the majority of the cooking, cleaning and care work) there is a general acceptance that equality is the way forward (broadly speaking at least).

This hasn't done away with the idea of gender, nor does it seem likely.

Is this because people tend to prefer one gender/sex over another to share their lives with?

I'm asking this here - because, while I Identify with everything Midnight Light said (apart from the combat sports), I honestly don't think that makes me agender.

When growing up I never paid attention to what girls wanted to do vs what boys wanted to do - I did what I wanted to do. But I think that was largely because I didn't think there should be a difference.

Can anyone tell me what it is to feel like a boy/man? Or what it is to feel like a girl/woman?

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Can anyone tell me what it is to feel like a boy/man? Or what it is to feel like a girl/woman?

Yes.

Some of us have two lives-- the one we make with the one we were given.

[Per Aspera Ad Astra]

It makes me feel better to know that there are so many people that can relate to what I feel. I really don't feel like a male or female, I don't belong to any of these genders. And everyone around me is cisgender, so it has always been confusing for me as I didn't understand how no one could relate to my feelings. And even when I look at people and speak to them, I don't think about them as either male or female, I think about them as a "them", as a "you", as a person, as a conscience, as an entity. Because that's what they are.

This place really is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[Heart]

This place really is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

THIS is why I spend hours a day moderating on AVEN

[Per Aspera Ad Astra]

This place really is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

THIS is why I spend hours a day moderating on AVEN

And thank you so much for doing so! ^_^