What is romantic attraction?

[Star Inkbright]

First off, I'm new. O_O Hi! :)

So, I've read some of the forums, and I've seen a lot of people failing to accurately define sexual attraction and sexual desire and so on. That's okay. I sort of comprehend that now. Whether I comprehend it accurately is another question, but we'll just assume I do.

What I don't understand is romantic attraction.

How my head operates is, if you're sexually attracted to someone, you're sexually attracted to them, and therefore if you're in a relationship with them you view them differently to the way you view a friend because you're sexually attracted to them.

But say you don't experience sexual attraction, and I don't think I do. Then if you were in a relationship with someone, you wouldn't be sexually attracted to them, so how would you view them DIFFERENTLY to the way you view a friend?

I mean, I've recently discovered the word 'squish'. And I'm pretty sure I have a squish on one of my friends, because I mean, I think she's awesome, and our conversations are some of my favourite things, and I often later write out things she's said and save them, and I talk about her loads, and I would rather listen to her tell me about TV shows than actually watch said TV shows.
But I don't think there even needs to be a word for 'squish' because as far as I'm aware, it's just being good friends with someone. And you can have different degrees of friendship with someone, and there's plenty of friends I have that I find really interesting and talking to them makes me smile, and how I view my friend that I probably have a squish on is pretty similar to how I view my other friends that I friendship-love. Like - it's the same emotion, just applied in different intensities. :S

So what is the difference between liking someone as a friend and liking someone in a romantic way, assuming you don't experience sexual attraction? Is there a difference?

[xMinMinx]

wow, what a deep and excellent question! That's so good, i think that even straight people should consider this before going for relationships lol

As for the term squish, I agree with its current definition because I take the bust everyday and there's this bus operator that seems really interesting to me and i would like to know him better to the point of an acquaintanceship so definitely no names or anything like that. Problem is, he's a stranger! and he doesn't drive any of the buses i take around the city lol he just seems like the kind of person who would have great stories to tell and i like his voice its not too deep, not too high, and it's kinda raspy. LOL

So essentially, i would have a squish on this gentleman who is a stranger, but have no feelings or romanticism towards him, just looking for a stranger to have chit chat with.

I'm not sure of a difference really, the best i could come up with is that the friendship component of a romantic engagement usually vary directly with the state of the relationship

FOR EXAMPLE! 2 ppl r in a relationship. Both are friends prior to the engagement. #1 cheats on 2 and this ends both the relationship and the friendship (specific to this case) so they don't remain friends the part forever.

in the opposite, u have 2 besties who we have #1 in a relationship and 2 cheats on the friend with the partner (by i dunno by not returning calls, or not reciprocating the same feelings (no sex)) of #1 They don't speak at first but for a while they make amends because they realize a partner cant and should never break their long-standing relationship that has survived the roughest of rough times, through this type of love you have learned to amicably strengthen each other and will continue to move forth since anything other than that would simply be illogical.

So i guess friendship in romantic relationships depends on the state of the relationship which is affected by the actions of those involved only to a romantic degree (hug, kiss sometimes, snuggle), but a regular friendship like the wonderful friendship u share with your friend are very durable and are built on more than just the prospect of someone to have a specific or tailored type of love that cannot be duplicated and distributed as one would with a group of friends in class or at lunch; just by those immediately involved. The fear of infidelity is gone, also another reason why love in a friendship is different.

I have 2 bffs like this too we've been friends for 10 years wouldn't give them up for the world.

[Star Inkbright]

*struggling to work out quoting :P*

wow, what a deep and excellent question! That's so good, i think that even straight people should consider this before going for relationships lol

As for the term squish, I agree with its current definition because I take the bust everyday and there's this bus operator that seems really interesting to me and i would like to know him better to the point of an acquaintanceship so definitely no names or anything like that. Problem is, he's a stranger! and he doesn't drive any of the buses i take around the city lol he just seems like the kind of person who would have great stories to tell and i like his voice its not too deep, not too high, and it's kinda raspy. LOL

So essentially, i would have a squish on this gentleman who is a stranger, but have no feelings or romanticism towards him, just looking for a stranger to have chit chat with.

Thank you. :) :)

Yeah . . . my friend, the one I mentioned above, had a squish like that on a random person recently. And she went around asking everyone she knew what they knew about him because he really interested her and she really wanted to find out more about him, but she wasn't attracted to him.

So yeah, I think that makes sense. :) Thank you.

I'm not sure of a difference really, the best i could come up with is that the friendship component of a romantic engagement usually vary directly with the state of the relationship

FOR EXAMPLE! 2 ppl r in a relationship. Both are friends prior to the engagement. #1 cheats on 2 and this ends both the relationship and the friendship (specific to this case) so they don't remain friends the part forever.

in the opposite, u have 2 besties who we have #1 in a relationship and 2 cheats on the friend with the partner (by i dunno by not returning calls, or not reciprocating the same feelings (no sex)) of #1 They don't speak at first but for a while they make amends because they realize a partner cant and should never break their long-standing relationship that has survived the roughest of rough times, through this type of love you have learned to amicably strengthen each other and will continue to move forth since anything other than that would simply be illogical.

*still trying to get the hang of quoting :P*
Yeah . . . I think I get that. :) *nods* Okay. That makes sense. All I have to do now is not forget it. :P

[My alias]

They say a picture says a 1000 words.

[Glyn]

When I read the thread title "What is romantic attraction?" the first thing that came to my mind was Haddaway's "What Is Love?" :D

[Fire & Rain]

*sings* Oh, it's a feeling! :D

Sorry, can't help it! I have no idea! lol

[Star Inkbright]

It seems to me, then, that romantic relationships without sexual attraction/desire are just like "I know, let's be in a SPECIAL relationship."
Like -

ohmygosh, it's like when you're about five and this girl comes up to you in the playground and says "Do you want to be my best friend?" and you say "Yes" and then you're Best Friends.

I mean -

I guess, it's like, you could be friends with this girl perfectly well without this Specialness, but you've decided to be in a Special Relationship. Why have you two decided that this friendship is more Special than any other friendships? Not entirely sure, it just is.

. . . Obviously, some people find someone they really like before deciding they shall be Best Friends. But you know, when I was about five or so, it was tidy up time and me and this girl were tidying the same table, and then we kind of looked up at each other and smiled, and then we became Best Friends for a while. Did we really know each other? No, but we liked the look of each other and we were just giving it a go. After a while, we decided to metaphoriaclly break up and we found other best friends.

. . . Oh my gosh.
I might not be making sense out of my own head, but it makes perfect sense IN my head.

. . . Do you think humans have an kind of innate desire to find someone to be in a Special Relationship with? Because we all seem to be acting like we do, and it would make sense from an evolutionary perspective.

[Fire & Rain]

It seems to me, then, that romantic relationships without sexual attraction/desire are just like "I know, let's be in a SPECIAL relationship."

Like -

ohmygosh, it's like when you're about five and this girl comes up to you in the playground and says "Do you want to be my best friend?" and you say "Yes" and then you're Best Friends.

I mean -

I guess, it's like, you could be friends with this girl perfectly well without this Specialness, but you've decided to be in a Special Relationship. Why have you two decided that this friendship is more Special than any other friendships? Not entirely sure, it just is.

. . . Obviously, some people find someone they really like before deciding they shall be Best Friends. But you know, when I was about five or so, it was tidy up time and me and this girl were tidying the same table, and then we kind of looked up at each other and smiled, and then we became Best Friends for a while. Did we really know each other? No, but we liked the look of each other and we were just giving it a go. After a while, we decided to metaphoriaclly break up and we found other best friends.

. . . Oh my gosh.

I might not be making sense out of my own head, but it makes perfect sense IN my head.

. . . Do you think humans have an kind of innate desire to find someone to be in a Special Relationship with? Because we all seem to be acting like we do, and it would make sense from an evolutionary perspective.

I think many will disagree.

[imgone]

I've been trying to describe romantic attraction for a long time... No one can seem to agree. I think it lacks the same concreteness that sexual attraction has. Even though I've never experienced sexual attraction, when it's defined as looking at someone and being like "mmm I'd hit that," I can go, "okay pretty sure that's not something I've ever felt." Even though I don't know exactly what it is, like I said, it's not entirely abstract to me. Romantic attraction, on the other hand. Some people say it's looking at someone and desiring a romantic relationship with them (but what does that mean?! how is it different than friendship, exactly?), others say it involves wanting to kiss and cuddle (but others separate that into sensual attraction, which I would say I subscribe to as well, and a lot of people want to cuddle with their friends, so no.). The thing is, I am pretty sure I know in my gut what romantic attraction is, and that's the last thing a lot of people want to hear, you know, that it's something "you just know!"

I think that it varies from person to person... For me I guess it's like a very close friendship? I enjoy being with them, I trust them. I want to make them happy. I want those feelings to be mutual. A compliment from them will have me walking on air for days. I worry about scaring them off, sometimes more acutely than I do with my other friends, but as in a friendship the more secure I am the less I worry. A big difference for me is that it doesn't take me long to miss them? I can go weeks with minimal contact with someone before I may start to miss them. When I am into someone romantically, I start missing them a little after a week or two. Also, again this is just for me maybe, as I'm not terribly tactile, I don't desire physical contact with/experience sensual attraction to my friends. A lot of my friends want to cuddle and I either don't like it or don't get much out of it. When I am romantically attracted to someone, on the other hand, I crave physical contact with them. It makes me happy, relaxed and sometimes excited. Also, sex is a big no if I'm not in a romantic relationship with someone. I'm more or less sex-indifferent, no libido, so it's never something I'm particularly nuts about. But in a romantic relationship: 1) I hopefully trust the person enough that I'm comfortable. 2) I enjoy making them happy. 3) I enjoy feeling desired, I guess? If I think too much about sexual desire it makes me feel uncomfortable, but just generally wanting to feel physical closeness, I don't know. It's part of the same reason I like kissing and cuddling I guess. There are tons of ways to be intimate with someone other than physical, sexual, or even emotional. When I am romantically attracted to someone I just want to be close to them, in a million ways.

Again, a lot of those things could be said about friendship for some people, and a lot of people might look at that and go, "well that's different from my experience of romantic attraction!" especially in regards to the sex part. Like I said, I think it varies from person to person. It is a lot like the love you feel for family and friends, it satisfies a lot of the same needs (security, companionship, etc.). But just like I can feel that my love for my family members is different from the way I love my friends, and I can't put my finger on exactly what makes the feeling different, I can just feel the difference between romantic love and other kinds. I know no one wants to hear that, but in a way it is something you just feel.

You may be interested in attachment theory. Apparently different attachments are not all that different in a psychological/chemical sense.

[bonny]

You may be interested in attachment theory. Apparently different attachments are not all that different in a psychological/chemical sense.

Ooh, I find that very interesting! :o

[xMinMinx]

When I read the thread title "What is romantic attraction?" the first thing that came to my mind was Haddaway's "What Is Love?" :D

THAT SONG ROCKS

baby don't hurt me, dont hurt me

no more.

xD

[xMinMinx]

*struggling to work out quoting :P*

wow, what a deep and excellent question! That's so good, i think that even straight people should consider this before going for relationships lol

As for the term squish, I agree with its current definition because I take the bust everyday and there's this bus operator that seems really interesting to me and i would like to know him better to the point of an acquaintanceship so definitely no names or anything like that. Problem is, he's a stranger! and he doesn't drive any of the buses i take around the city lol he just seems like the kind of person who would have great stories to tell and i like his voice its not too deep, not too high, and it's kinda raspy. LOL

So essentially, i would have a squish on this gentleman who is a stranger, but have no feelings or romanticism towards him, just looking for a stranger to have chit chat with.

Thank you. :) :)

Yeah . . . my friend, the one I mentioned above, had a squish like that on a random person recently. And she went around asking everyone she knew what they knew about him because he really interested her and she really wanted to find out more about him, but she wasn't attracted to him.

So yeah, I think that makes sense. :) Thank you.

I'm not sure of a difference really, the best i could come up with is that the friendship component of a romantic engagement usually vary directly with the state of the relationship

FOR EXAMPLE! 2 ppl r in a relationship. Both are friends prior to the engagement. #1 cheats on 2 and this ends both the relationship and the friendship (specific to this case) so they don't remain friends the part forever.

in the opposite, u have 2 besties who we have #1 in a relationship and 2 cheats on the friend with the partner (by i dunno by not returning calls, or not reciprocating the same feelings (no sex)) of #1 They don't speak at first but for a while they make amends because they realize a partner cant and should never break their long-standing relationship that has survived the roughest of rough times, through this type of love you have learned to amicably strengthen each other and will continue to move forth since anything other than that would simply be illogical.

*still trying to get the hang of quoting :P*

Yeah . . . I think I get that. :) *nods* Okay. That makes sense. All I have to do now is not forget it. :P

haha i know right?! but what are ur thoughts now on ur initial inquiry?

[Star Inkbright]

I've been trying to describe romantic attraction for a long time... No one can seem to agree. I think it lacks the same concreteness that sexual attraction has. Even though I've never experienced sexual attraction, when it's defined as looking at someone and being like "mmm I'd hit that," I can go, "okay pretty sure that's not something I've ever felt." Even though I don't know exactly what it is, like I said, it's not entirely abstract to me. Romantic attraction, on the other hand. Some people say it's looking at someone and desiring a romantic relationship with them (but what does that mean?! how is it different than friendship, exactly?), others say it involves wanting to kiss and cuddle (but others separate that into sensual attraction, which I would say I subscribe to as well, and a lot of people want to cuddle with their friends, so no.). The thing is, I am pretty sure I know in my gut what romantic attraction is, and that's the last thing a lot of people want to hear, you know, that it's something "you just know!"

I think that it varies from person to person... For me I guess it's like a very close friendship? I enjoy being with them, I trust them. I want to make them happy. I want those feelings to be mutual. A compliment from them will have me walking on air for days. I worry about scaring them off, sometimes more acutely than I do with my other friends, but as in a friendship the more secure I am the less I worry. A big difference for me is that it doesn't take me long to miss them? I can go weeks with minimal contact with someone before I may start to miss them. When I am into someone romantically, I start missing them a little after a week or two. Also, again this is just for me maybe, as I'm not terribly tactile, I don't desire physical contact with/experience sensual attraction to my friends. A lot of my friends want to cuddle and I either don't like it or don't get much out of it. When I am romantically attracted to someone, on the other hand, I crave physical contact with them. It makes me happy, relaxed and sometimes excited. Also, sex is a big no if I'm not in a romantic relationship with someone. I'm more or less sex-indifferent, no libido, so it's never something I'm particularly nuts about. But in a romantic relationship: 1) I hopefully trust the person enough that I'm comfortable. 2) I enjoy making them happy. 3) I enjoy feeling desired, I guess? If I think too much about sexual desire it makes me feel uncomfortable, but just generally wanting to feel physical closeness, I don't know. It's part of the same reason I like kissing and cuddling I guess. There are tons of ways to be intimate with someone other than physical, sexual, or even emotional. When I am romantically attracted to someone I just want to be close to them, in a million ways.

Again, a lot of those things could be said about friendship for some people, and a lot of people might look at that and go, "well that's different from my experience of romantic attraction!" especially in regards to the sex part. Like I said, I think it varies from person to person. It is a lot like the love you feel for family and friends, it satisfies a lot of the same needs (security, companionship, etc.). But just like I can feel that my love for my family members is different from the way I love my friends, and I can't put my finger on exactly what makes the feeling different, I can just feel the difference between romantic love and other kinds. I know no one wants to hear that, but in a way it is something you just feel.

You may be interested in attachment theory. Apparently different attachments are not all that different in a psychological/chemical sense.

Okay.

*nods*

Yeah . . . :/ Sounds pretty merge-y to me.

Like, I don't really like physical contact, but I often have the urge to cuddle my younger siblings. That doesn't mean I'm romantically attracted to them.

There's some friends that I email every day. When they don't email for a while, I kind of miss them and feel a bit lonely. That doesn't mean that our relationship is romantic or that I'd want it to be.

So yes. Merge-y merge-y lines. :)

I probably would be interested in attachment theory. I should probably look it up. :P

It seems to me, then, that romantic relationships without sexual attraction/desire are just like "I know, let's be in a SPECIAL relationship."

Like -

ohmygosh, it's like when you're about five and this girl comes up to you in the playground and says "Do you want to be my best friend?" and you say "Yes" and then you're Best Friends.

I mean -

I guess, it's like, you could be friends with this girl perfectly well without this Specialness, but you've decided to be in a Special Relationship. Why have you two decided that this friendship is more Special than any other friendships? Not entirely sure, it just is.

. . . Obviously, some people find someone they really like before deciding they shall be Best Friends. But you know, when I was about five or so, it was tidy up time and me and this girl were tidying the same table, and then we kind of looked up at each other and smiled, and then we became Best Friends for a while. Did we really know each other? No, but we liked the look of each other and we were just giving it a go. After a while, we decided to metaphoriaclly break up and we found other best friends.

. . . Oh my gosh.

I might not be making sense out of my own head, but it makes perfect sense IN my head.

. . . Do you think humans have an kind of innate desire to find someone to be in a Special Relationship with? Because we all seem to be acting like we do, and it would make sense from an evolutionary perspective.

I think many will disagree.

That's okay.

haha i know right?! but what are ur thoughts now on ur initial inquiry?

Hmm. Very good question. Thank you. :)

. . . . . .

This probably requires a series of bullet points.

- People like making Special Relationships.

- Romantic relations are a bit like Best Friend relationships in a way (theory uncertain, likely to change in face of new evidence).

- Attachment is, like a lot of things, a spectrum.

- It, like a lot of things, depends on the person.

- However, romantic attachments tend to be at the *insert equivilent of hypersexual on sexual spectrum . . . hyperattachment?* end of the attachment spectrum (obviously, depends on the relationship, depends on the person).

- Romantic attachments are related to squishes, which I think I understand, so a squish is to a non-sexual romantic relationship what a crush is to a sexual one (talking about these concepts as concepts, not a specific crush's relation to a specific relationship).

- I still have no idea how someone who doesn't experience sexaul attraction would decide their romantic orientation/what that is, although that wasn't asked and I can probably live through life not knowing so that's okay. :)

Okay.

*nods*

I think I understandish now, and either way I know a lot more in my head, so thank you. :)

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum. :)

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Glyn]

When I read the thread title "What is romantic attraction?" the first thing that came to my mind was Haddaway's "What Is Love?" :D

THAT SONG ROCKS

baby don't hurt me, dont hurt me

no more.

xD

There was a point way back I joined AVEN that if you ever said the line "What is love?" in AVEN Chat, you'd immediately get half a dozen people all saying "Oh baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!" :lol: