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I want to be a lesbian and I don't want to be aromantic but don't know which one I am...


Daveybuddy

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This has been going on for a while, about a year. I'm about 18 years old right now and I'm a female. Just as some background information, I'd like to say I've never really 'dated.' I've never had sex either. I had a 'boyfriend' for a week (lol) in middle school and went on one unofficial date in high school with a guy. I've only ever kissed people I didn't know and or was drunk, which has both been guys and girls, but mostly guys. *Note: I also have OCD which comes in the form of intrusive thought 'spikes' and 'perfection.' For example, last year I had an intrusive thought that everybody around me was a robot and it was in my head for a couple months before it went away.

So, for the past year I've been obsession over my sexual orientation and trying to figure out what I am. It's gotten out of control is and is causing me not to sleep, and has really put a damper on my mood.

I thought since I've never played a major interest in dating, something was wrong with me (I know there's not now.) So, about a year ago I went on forums and figured out what asexuality is. I started freaking out, thinking I was asexual because I had never really been overly sexually attracted to someone. I'm quite the philosophical person and will spend hours in my head mapping out the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire and what I am really feeling... just to try to prove to myself that I'm not asexual. Similar to what I mentioned above with the 'robots,' I would spend hours in my head trying to prove to myself that the world around me was not robots, making maps, charts, and lists in my head. So, when I prove to myself somehow that I'm not asexual I feel a brick being torn off my shoulder, then the intrusive thoughts come back. To be honest, this is the longest intrusive thought spike I've ever had in my life... about 1 year and it's driving me nuts.

Then, it gets worse, I found the term aromantic (where you don't feel romantic attraction) and have had to convince myself that I'm not aromantic. And everything I get the subtle feeling I am indeed aromantic and or asexual I feel so sad and cry. I don't think there is anything wrong with being aromantic/asexual at all, I just want to experience romantic/sexual attraction... and I think I do... but those darn voices in my head always have to show me reasons why I don't feel romantic and or sexual attraction. Needless to say, every time I come across a new term I always question if I am that term... and if I don't want to be that term I go back in forth in my head convincing myself I'm not.

I've thought I was every sexual orientation in the book and still haven't figured it out. Pansexual, bisexual, aromantic, asexual, lesbian, straight, homoflexible, hypersexual... the list goes on and on...

So to clear things up (I'm sorry my words are all jumbled, I just have a lot to get off my chest,) I don't know if I've experienced sexual and or romantic attraction because I've just confused myself with these philosophical thinking patterns of... "what's the difference between romantic and platonic attraction, how do I know for sure?"

As I said, I've been on one date with a guy in highschool and it went fine. I enjoyed it actually. I really liked this guy. But was I feeling romantic attraction towards him? I seriously don't know. I, of course wanted to be his friend, otherwise I wouldn't have gone on a date with him lol.

Another part of me strongly thinks I'm a lesbian right now. I think I fell in love with a girl (who was my best friend) but once again I just can't stop questioning, "how do I know if it was "friendship love" or "romantic love." I want it to be romantic love.

I know this sounds weird, and I know sexual orientation isn't a choice, but I want to be a lesbian. And whenever I convince myself that I am truly a lesbian for a few seconds a brick gets lifted off my shoulders and I feel so free... but then I start questioning myself again. It's like this cycle that goes on and on of over thinking... over analyzing.

I'm talking to this guy right now that I think I like... but the thought of marrying a girl or being in some sort of relationship with her has always felt so free to me. I rarely like guys. This is the second guy I have ever 'liked' per say, and he's amazing... we are only friends right now but I'm starting to feel bad for leading him on I guess in a flirtatious way because recently I noticed he is amazing but there is something about that female energy that makes me feel whole... like I don't know how to explain it. But you know how lesbians say they knew they were lesbian because when they dated guys they felt like something was missing... I kind of feel that way. I don't know what that something is but it's something... I think this guy has given me butterflies, and he's definitely on my mind a lot like people describe a 'crush.' But, there's just something about even thinking about females... it's a complete feeling. So confusing.

I've never dated a girl. I've kissed a girl for maybe 5 seconds and it was bad and I was drunk. When I've kissed guys I just wanted it to end, but I didn't know these guys at all. It was random, at concerts and what not. I just did it to please the guy, not me.

A couple days ago, a girl was taking a picture of me (and I know this is weird) but she was much older then me and married, but she was tilting my head and looking into my eyes to position me for the picture... and I don't know if this is me being a repressed lesbian or something because I would NOT date a women 15 years older then me, but I felt this electricity... as if this was a female my age about to kiss me.

So, thank you for sitting through my thoughts I needed to get typed out. My main question to myself now is, am I a repressed lesbian, or just an aromantic/asexual? Am I a bisexual who prefers women?

Because, once again, the guy I'm talking to I like a lot and I wish I could give him what he may want, I've even contemplated a relationship both romantic and sexual... but whenever I fantasize about marrying a female I just feel like that tiny puzzle piece has been put back into place. I've always connected with women emotionally more than men in general. My most vivid dreams have been me actually going down on women.

My mom has been asking me if I'm lesbian too lately. Maybe I am a repressed lesbian because coming out is scary as s***, and everyone I know thinks I'm straight. I don't know if I should just tell her I am and just go from there, but my fear is I will turn out to be aromantic/asexual. Dang, I wish I never found those terms in the first place so I didn't have to question myself.

Does anybody else think this is OCD? What's your advice? What would you do if you were me relating to the guy I've been talking to and or anything else I've mentioned? I know I'm the only one who can know my sexual orientation, but you've literally just read my thought, what would you think I am as a guess? I'm open to anything anyone has to say, so be honest.

Watch this just be my OCD making me delusional and I really do turn out to be lesbian. That's my biggest wish right now... please let it be true.

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My first question for you would have to be if you've ever actually felt sexually attracted to somebody (male and/or female). I know you mentioned whether you were or weren't romantically attracted to people, so I'm just wondering.

Also, I'm curious about the guy you're talking to. You said you think you may like him, but being with a girl seems better to you? I'm unsure if that's you saying you actually aren't romantically attracted to him, or that you're telling yourself you'd rather be with a girl. I definitely think you seem to be attracted to girls though, whether it's only romantically or both romantically and sexually.

Like you said though, only you can really know, and I'm sure you'll figure it out after giving it some thought. I know what it's like to be confused about my own sexuality like this though, because I actually went through something really similar myself before realizing that I never truly wanted sex. I wish you the best of luck discovering your own identity though!

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TheKindredSoul

You definitely show signs of sexual orientation OCD, and I can say that because I went through it. I used to question myself all the time after I discovered my sexual orientation (I am an aromantic asexual), and it would take a huge chunk of my day and night away. Not only was it trying to convince me that I was attracted to old women, it was trying to fabricate evidence that I was! OCD is known as the disease of doubt for a reason, because it keeps you in this vicious cycle that is hard to break out of. It can make things feel so real, which is what makes it such a terrible disorder to deal with. I do not want to reinforce your OCD, because if I reassure you, you will just go back into the cycle. It is mental torture.

In order to concur you OCD, all you have to do is accept doubt. That is extremely difficult to do, but this is what I had to do in order to fight this disorder, and I won. I turned out to be what I knew I was, an aromantic asexual, and I am very happy this way. I am not saying that means you are not an aromantic asexual, because you may in fact be (though I personally doubt that, because that is what I am, and I do not get the feelings that you are describing).

I am an aromantic asexual. I do not want to have sex with anyone, and nor am I interested in romantic relationships. I have no interested in dating, nor marriage. I have no interest in men nor women. However, I am not overly attached to my label because labels are just labels (despite my very long orientation...I just like long words, LOL), and that can cause OCD to flourish if you are too involved in them. Be careful about that.

If you feel like you are lesbian, then go ahead and date some women! You have to fight this demon (the OCD) inside of you, by not giving it what it wants. When you get the voices or thoughts, do NOT rebuttal it. As much as you may want to, this will just strengthen the neural pathways that cause the thoughts. Also, do NOT push it back. That also makes it stronger. If you want to defeat it, acknowledge that the thought is there, say yes to it! Even though it may not be true, if you try to say "no, I am this", it will just strengthen the OCD monster. Initially, you may become anxious by saying "yes" to something you feel is not true, but eventually, the OCD will die off because it has nothing to feed off of.

Whatever you do: DO NOT LIMIT YOURSELF TO A LABEL! Labels are restricting, and someone with OCD should try to avoid labels at all costs, since it may cause an obsession.

I hope this was helpful, and I am so sorry you are struggling from this awful disease. If you need someone to talk to about it, I am here. I have been through this disorder for quite some time now, and I managed to tame the beast. It has not completely gone away, but I am able to keep it from ruining my life and happiness.

I would love to talk more, but right now, I have to do some things. Send me a message whenever you would like, and I will get back to you when I can. :)

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I also tried to prove to myself I'm not asexual. Well, well... That went rather interestingly. I understand what you are getting at. In reference to your thread title; While it does not bother me and is perfectly fine, just to spare myself a bit of trouble... I would rather want to be aromantic, not lesbian. I cannot (and should not) change that though.

You are very young. You don't have to prove anything, instead try to make the best of the situation. And that is, IMHO, not having sleepless nights over finding a term. You will have your light bulb moment sooner or later. And that one can't be forced! I am an Aspie and have strong compulsive thoughts and urges from time to time. I learned that the more I let them be, they let me be. They don't control me, only bother me.

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i understand more less the feeling. i had a three-year period when i was like ranting all the time and having a bad time. now ive controlled that, but i still have doubts. i used to have an anguish, cause i feel like an inner "tug of war": a lot of times i felt something that may indicate me "youre lesbian"; when that happened it was very tiny. no atraction to women sexual or romantic, only doubts about if what i had was aesthetical atraction or something else, or that i loved watching l word and no one around me knew it or would be interested on it. tiny things told me "lesbian" but ive always knew that to be lesbian you had to have some kind of atraction which i still dont have. as far as i know im in a limbo of "am i this or am i that" and a "maybe im demiromantic". i still dont know and it bothers a lot when something tiny like those examples happens (which now are not as common as they used to, thank god)

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passionatefriend61

Dude. Chill out.

Seriously, that is the best thing you could possible do. Breathe. Relax. Let go of the need to have yourself figured out. You're 18 years old, for fuck's sake. It's okay if you have no idea what you are. A lot of people don't know at your age. A lot of people think they do and then a few years pass and they figure out they're something else entirely. It's all fine.

You're not going to figure out what you truly feel until and unless you relax. Right now, you've got yourself all wound up, you're overanalyzing, you're trying to tell yourself that you're gay, and none of that is going to help you actually feel your true feelings or process them.

Also, you say that you know there's nothing wrong with being asexual and/or aromantic, but that's obviously not something you believe because you're so upset by the idea that you could be one or both. And I'd bet money that you so desperately want to be romantic and sexual because you've internalized all the fucked up cultural messages about amatonormativity, compulsory sexuality, etc.

I'm not saying you have to be asexual or aromantic or both or start labeling yourself as such. You don't need to label yourself anything right now. But I do think it's important for you to diffuse all the false beliefs you have about sexuality, romance, relationships, love, people, etc that causes you so much distress when you consider the possibility that you could be ace and/or aro. Even if you're NOT ace or aro, it's important that you let go of all the crap that makes you feel like it would be terrible to be either one.

Don't go on dates with anyone unless you're truly interested. Don't have sex, kiss, etc unless and until you feel really good and enthusiastic about it. You can't use behaviors to influence or affect your orientation. It doesn't work that way. And you could just be confusing yourself even more by doing these things without the attraction in play.

It's okay to be single for a while, it's okay to be a virgin or celibate for a while, it's okay not to have a label right now. You're 18. You're a kid. You have the rest of your very long life to do whatever you want.

If anyone asks you what you are, you can just tell them "questioning."

If you can or will experience romantic or sexual attraction, it'll happen naturally as you meet new people and interact with them. And if you don't, then same thing: it'll make itself obvious to you as time passes and you meet people.

Don't hold on so tight. Let go. Go live life and don't stay hung up on this subject anymore. Focus on stuff that makes you happy. Your sexuality will sort itself out.

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i suppose it mostly depends on your level of sexual attraction / romantic attraction per each individual.

you may be only sexually attracted to women and that may be a scary realization you will have to deal with or you might not be solely attracted to females.

but in the case of this boy you like, if you find yourself not attracted to him sexually but romantically then something along the polyromantic labels might be more suited for you. This is all about exploring what is most comfortable for you.

Polyromantic labels include biromantic, panromantic, etc.

you don't have to pin down your sexually when sexuality itself is defined as something fluid and as ever changing as you are. so don't stress if you can't find something that fits right away. if you take the time away from relationships just to explore yourself, i'm certain you will be able to work through this eventually. ^_^

also something that should be noted is that your sexual attraction does not need to match your romantic attractions.

for example there are lesbians whom of which are also panromantic. this isn't something that will match perfectly, it all depends on you and your comfort level with specific labels.

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