Ever feel like you're not "qualified" to call yourself ace?

[cheapcoffee]

I'm still very very new here, and I'm still learning about all the different ways a person can be asexual, but the more I learn, the more it feels right to me. The way I've been feeling these last several months are making more sense.

But since coming out of a long term relationship(first and only, and for a time it was sexual) a few months ago I haven't dated, had crushes, or in any similar way had a chance to experience the way I now react and feel about all of this firsthand with anyone.

Like, I haven't experienced being asexual in the real world. I haven't had a chance to "prove" my asexuality? So in a way I feel like I can't really call myself that yet?

I'm sorry about how terribly I'm wording all of this, and I know how ridiculous it sounds(part of why I can't figure out how to word it I guess.) I mean that's basically the same as saying someone can't identify as homosexual or bisexual because they haven't experienced it with another person. "How would they know?" And we all know that's silly.

But I still can't help but feel like I'm not "allowed" to say I'm asexual yet. Does anyone else ever feel that way?

[Burgundy]

I'm still getting used to identifying as ace myself. I worry that people here (not that they would), and in real life, will say stuff like 'Ohh you can't be asexual, because ___' and I'd be able to understand why they'd say those things. However, I understand my own feelings more than they do, and than I do of them. xx

[3MILY]

I think probably all of us hold fears worries that some aspect of us doesn't quite fit right, but I figure, if the label seems to work, use it. I'm relatively new too, and it's been a process of adopting the label and fitting it into myself.

Also, I wouldn't worry about having to "prove" your sexuality, you know yourself better than anyone else, and you know how you feel (like Burgundy said). As long as it works for you and you like it, who cares what anyone else thinks? :)

[cheapcoffee]

I think probably all of us hold fears worries that some aspect of us doesn't quite fit right, but I figure, if the label seems to work, use it. I'm relatively new too, and it's been a process of adopting the label and fitting it into myself.

Also, I wouldn't worry about having to "prove" your sexuality, you know yourself better than anyone else, and you know how you feel (like Burgundy said). As long as it works for you and you like it, who cares what anyone else thinks? :)

Thanks you guys.

Part of it def is a weird worry about getting questioned by other people. That's easier to put out of my mind, honestly. But I also feel like I have to prove it to myself on some level? Like how would I know for sure? Which I realize is as ridiculous as worrying about other people accepting the idea, but it's still in the back of my head. Does that make sense?

[SexNotHaver]

That label no longer means anything to me.

[b88]

I am pretty new to it as well, and I'm working on figuring it all out. I've spent ages going back over various relationships and encounters and analysing what kinds of attraction I did and didn't experience. I'm still working on it, and like you I worry what others will think if I pick a label and then waver. Like they'd use it as proof that I'm 'confused' or even just 'wrong'.

All I can say is that you are the only person who has the right to label yourself, your sexuality. Only you know what you feel and experience. Sexuality is fluid and can change - what you identify as now might not stay the same. That's absolutely fine :) Also labels are useful for helping you to understand yourself but you don't have to feel completely bound by it - it's often a 'best fit' rather than a 100% accurate definition. Pick whatever feels most appropriate to you :)

Have a read of this, it really helped me with my worries on this topic :) http://prismaticentanglements.com/2014/07/08/permission/

[leela_10V3]

I definitely understand your hesitation, @cheapcoffee. I'm pretty new here myself and am definitely grey-a. Seems I can tolerate a lot of things and it worries me that maybe I'm not really asexual (grey-a) but just a heterosexual with some hormonal imbalance. But I can identify with all of the concerns, resentments, and needs others on this board post about. Being asexual isn't about proving anything, it's feeling like you make sense -- to yourself. That's all.

[bhawk]

I feel the same way! I recently decided that I was asexual since everyone else's experiences sounded so similar to my own. I feel like I finally found others who are like me. On the other hand, sometimes I still feel like "well how do I know? Maybe if I find that special someone I will feel differently." Which I guess could happen, but I feel like, being 22 and having several romantic relationships, I would have felt something by now. But I know what you mean! I feel sorta like I have to prove that I'm asexual to claim the title, but I guess my experiences and feelings are enough. Like if it's proof enough for me then it doesn't matter what everyone else thinks sort of thing. ^^

[cheapcoffee]

what you identify as now might not stay the same. That's absolutely fine :) Also labels are useful for helping you to understand yourself but you don't have to feel completely bound by it - it's often a 'best fit' rather than a 100% accurate definition. Pick whatever feels most appropriate to you :)

Have a read of this, it really helped me with my worries on this topic :) http://prismaticentanglements.com/2014/07/08/permission/

I feel that way about labels too! Thanks for saying it though, sometimes I need a little push to remember that I already know this and that I can apply it to myself.

And thanks, I'll take a look at that!

Being asexual isn't about proving anything, it's feeling like you make sense -- to yourself. That's all.

It's really nice seeing reminders like this. Like you mentioned I tend to get caught up in "Well what about this thing that happened? Or that?" Analyzing and trying to narrow myself down to find an acceptable label that I can explain. But you're right, as long as it feels right, then it's okay.

Thank you everyone for your input, as always! :)

[Bronte]

I wonder what asexuality actually means with all the definitions and interpretations going on here so I wouldn't worry, join in.

[3MILY]

Part of it def is a weird worry about getting questioned by other people. That's easier to put out of my mind, honestly. But I also feel like I have to prove it to myself on some level? Like how would I know for sure? Which I realize is as ridiculous as worrying about other people accepting the idea, but it's still in the back of my head. Does that make sense?

Totally makes sense! I felt the same way for a long time. I started to believe that identity is fluid, and this label fits who I am now (and who I expect to be) so I use it :)

[llamajesus]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've been nervous to come out since I've so recently came to the conclusion that I'm asexual, and everyone I know in real life thinks I'm bisexual. I always worry about how they'd react to my orientation being so far off from what they'd believed it to be for so long. But in the end, it's us who know our orientation, so we really shouldn't have to prove it or anything.

[Breathing....]

I think about this a lot too.... Its hard, like proving a negative. How do I know I don't feel something, how do I know I'm not mistaking it for something else, how do I know it won't happen. I get myself in a bit of a muddle when I get started.

And I do think this holds me back from telling those I want to tell, what if they ask me the questions I ask myself. 'I just know' doesn't feel like an adequate answer.....even though it really should be.

[butterflydreams]

I'm still getting used to identifying as ace myself. I worry that people here (not that they would), and in real life, will say stuff like 'Ohh you can't be asexual, because ___' and I'd be able to understand why they'd say those things. However, I understand my own feelings more than they do, and than I do of them. xx

Hehe, I'm kind of like this, except it's me who's saying things like "oh you can't be asexual because ___" to myself. I'm also coming at it from an older age and not having had any real romantic relationships. So I don't even have experience to fall back on. All I can really do is think about how I've felt in various "proto-relationships" in the past. That said, the only person "qualified" to tell you how to identify is you. So just by saying you're asexual...boom, you just became qualified to say that :)

[cheapcoffee]

I think about this a lot too.... Its hard, like proving a negative. How do I know I don't feel something, how do I know I'm not mistaking it for something else, how do I know it won't happen. I get myself in a bit of a muddle when I get started.

And I do think this holds me back from telling those I want to tell, what if they ask me the questions I ask myself. 'I just know' doesn't feel like an adequate answer.....even though it really should be.

Proving a negative. That's a good way to put it! Yeah, it's just kind of like, well how do I do that? To others or myself?

And I agree, I think it should be perfectly acceptable that we "just know" things about ourselves. It's all internal, a lot of the time there's not many ways to come to a conclusion about what's going on in there other than doing exactly that.

I'm still getting used to identifying as ace myself. I worry that people here (not that they would), and in real life, will say stuff like 'Ohh you can't be asexual, because ___' and I'd be able to understand why they'd say those things. However, I understand my own feelings more than they do, and than I do of them. xx

Hehe, I'm kind of like this, except it's me who's saying things like "oh you can't be asexual because ___" to myself. I'm also coming at it from an older age and not having had any real romantic relationships. So I don't even have experience to fall back on. All I can really do is think about how I've felt in various "proto-relationships" in the past. That said, the only person "qualified" to tell you how to identify is you. So just by saying you're asexual...boom, you just became qualified to say that :)

That's the problem I'm mostly having too! It's more about justifying it to myself. My "problem" is that I did have a serious relationship that was sexual for a time. And I haven't had any experience with my ~asexual feels~ with other people yet. Like I haven't gotten to test them out, just to make sure?

You're right, no one else is qualified to tell us who we are. I guess even though there are "guidelines" to what is/isn't asexual, there's no exact 100% fit. Just get as close as you can to what feels right, and you'll be okay.

[kelico]

You're not alone! It takes time to figure yourself out, especially when confronted with new information/labels/terms. At first I thought I was gray- or demi-sexual instead of ace because I thought, "What if I find that one person in the future??" I've never had a relationship (and I'm in my mid-20's), so it can be confusing...but what matters most is what you're comfortable identifying as right now. I've been asexual my whole life and still am (even if I didn't know about the term until this past year!). If something changes in the future? Ok, well, then maybe I'm gray or demi, but that's something that's yet to happen yet.

What I can really relate to is telling people about it. Having to "prove" it. I have some friends that are very understanding, and I talk to them about a lot, but I'm really hesitant to come out as ace to them. Why? I'm afraid they'll tell me that I'm making it up. "No way! You can't be asexual. You love yaoi! And you've had crushes. And you're always saying how cute people are." People that aren't familiar with asexuality assume things...they have misconceptions. Sometimes I feel like I've been "lying" my whole life to my family and friends because of how comfortable I am with making sexual innuendo/jokes or talking about "hotties." But those things DON'T make me not asexual. It's just that other people don't understand and yeahh...sorry, I'm rambling too much now lol!!

[cheapcoffee]

You're not alone! It takes time to figure yourself out, especially when confronted with new information/labels/terms. At first I thought I was gray- or demi-sexual instead of ace because I thought, "What if I find that one person in the future??" I've never had a relationship (and I'm in my mid-20's), so it can be confusing...but what matters most is what you're comfortable identifying as right now. I've been asexual my whole life and still am. If something changes in the future? Ok, well, then maybe I'm gray or demi, but that's something that's yet to happen yet.

What I can really relate to is telling people about it. Having to "prove" it. I have some friends that are very understanding, and I talk to them about a lot, but I'm really hesitant to come out as ace to them. Why? I'm afraid they'll tell me that I'm making it up. "No way! You can't be asexual. You love yaoi! And you've had crushes. And you're always saying how cute people are." People that aren't familiar with asexuality assume things...they have misconceptions. Sometimes I feel like I've been "lying" my whole life to my family and friends because of how comfortable I am with making sexual innuendo/jokes or talking about "hotties." But those things DON'T make me not asexual. It's just that other people don't understand and yeahh...sorry, I'm rambling too much now lol!!

I definitely know what you mean! There are tons of people who really have no idea what asexuality is! Even I hardly did until a few days ago when I decided to google it. And just today I explained to my mom a few of the different "types" of people on this spectrum(asexual, grey-a, demi, etc) and she was amazed! Luckily my family is really open minded and receptive to new info, so it was an easy conversation. (I haven't yet discussed MY being asexual with them; still figuring out exactly where I quite fit in there!)

You're not rambling, don't worry! There's def a lot to say when it comes to this!

[Ficulnean]

I feel this way myself. At the same time, I've already taken the initiative to post posters up at my univeristy. I have never even dated anyone, but mostly because I don't really seem much a point in it, I'd rather just have really good friends. Or, someone who realizes I don't want sex as a life partner.

[yomo]

I feel this way a lot lately, I still question whether I am really grey ace or just a pansexual that doesn't feel a lot of sexual attraction towards different people. I know that I am panromantic, but I often go back and forth in my mind because I am a person who enjoys sex and the idea of sex with certain people, but I often just don't feel like it or am not sure if I just enjoy the idea or not.

[cheapcoffee]

I feel this way a lot lately, I still question whether I am really grey ace or just a pansexual that doesn't feel a lot of sexual attraction towards different people. I know that I am panromantic, but I often go back and forth in my mind because I am a person who enjoys sex and the idea of sex with certain people, but I often just don't feel like it or am not sure if I just enjoy the idea or not.

That sounds pretty grey-ace to me! But I think everyone's right, there's no set criteria for you who are. When it comes down to it, it's really about what feels best to you. And what feels best doesn't have to remain the same at all times.

[ranting ferret]

i've only told 2 people who are extremely close to me (husband and the friend i said i'd like to marry her if anything went badly with my husband). they've been in the trenches with me on a lot and believe and support this new finding about myself.

no one else knows. but i have doubts on how well they'd believe me. (did you catch that married bit above?)

but i feel like i have to convince myself. or at least of where in the ace spectrum i am. because, well, i married a sexual. and we do "married people things". and the activity usually feels physically good. even though is effing weird. but i never find myself wanting it or thinking on it or anything. i only think about it...when it's happening, basically. so, yeah. i gots me some confusions. but i know solidly that i am some kind of asexual. blergh...

even for just myself, i'd like to get a personal understanding of where. growing up i've felt like a professional mediocre, always in the middle in everything. and so to find a something i can name as a part of me sounds like a nice things to try. my identity is an ever-fluctuating list and i just found a new category.

[AceInhibitor]

Yeah, I feel like that too. I've only just started properly identifying myself as asexual, before I just identified with a lot of what other asexual people were saying but I assumed the romantic and aesthetic attraction I felt for people was the same as sexual attraction. But I haven't 'come out' to anyone and probably won't for several months at least because I feel like I need some time to prove myself. And in the meantime work out if I'm heteroromantic or if my 'Well I'm kind of a 2 on the Kinsey scale' (according to my best friends) is more of a straight-up biromantic kind of thing. I think I had a slight crush on a girl once when I was younger but it's been so long now that I can't tell, so I just kind of go with 'I'm mostly straight', which is true. A few people have assumed I'm a lesbian and that's before I mention my 'girlcrush' on Natalie Dormer (it's not a girlcrush, it's the same kind of pretty person crush I have on pretty much all actors and actresses under the age of 50).

Tangent aside, yeah, I feel like I'm not qualified to say I'm asexual sometimes, especially because I experience a lot of aesthetic attraction and a fair amount of pretty intense romantic crushes. But the great thing about identity is that you define it for yourself. :)

[cheapcoffee]

Yeah, I feel like that too. I've only just started properly identifying myself as asexual, before I just identified with a lot of what other asexual people were saying but I assumed the romantic and aesthetic attraction I felt for people was the same as sexual attraction. But I haven't 'come out' to anyone and probably won't for several months at least because I feel like I need some time to prove myself. And in the meantime work out if I'm heteroromantic or if my 'Well I'm kind of a 2 on the Kinsey scale' (according to my best friends) is more of a straight-up biromantic kind of thing. I think I had a slight crush on a girl once when I was younger but it's been so long now that I can't tell, so I just kind of go with 'I'm mostly straight', which is true. A few people have assumed I'm a lesbian and that's before I mention my 'girlcrush' on Natalie Dormer (it's not a girlcrush, it's the same kind of pretty person crush I have on pretty much all actors and actresses under the age of 50).

Tangent aside, yeah, I feel like I'm not qualified to say I'm asexual sometimes, especially because I experience a lot of aesthetic attraction and a fair amount of pretty intense romantic crushes. But the great thing about identity is that you define it for yourself. :)

You've pretty much summed up all my feelings! My situation is very similar. "Straight? But girls are amaaazing. But I haven't had a specific crush on a real life girl in a long time." Etc, etc. But yeah, basically everything you said.

You get me, man. You get me. ;P

[AceInhibitor]

Yeah, I feel like that too. I've only just started properly identifying myself as asexual, before I just identified with a lot of what other asexual people were saying but I assumed the romantic and aesthetic attraction I felt for people was the same as sexual attraction. But I haven't 'come out' to anyone and probably won't for several months at least because I feel like I need some time to prove myself. And in the meantime work out if I'm heteroromantic or if my 'Well I'm kind of a 2 on the Kinsey scale' (according to my best friends) is more of a straight-up biromantic kind of thing. I think I had a slight crush on a girl once when I was younger but it's been so long now that I can't tell, so I just kind of go with 'I'm mostly straight', which is true. A few people have assumed I'm a lesbian and that's before I mention my 'girlcrush' on Natalie Dormer (it's not a girlcrush, it's the same kind of pretty person crush I have on pretty much all actors and actresses under the age of 50).

Tangent aside, yeah, I feel like I'm not qualified to say I'm asexual sometimes, especially because I experience a lot of aesthetic attraction and a fair amount of pretty intense romantic crushes. But the great thing about identity is that you define it for yourself. :)

You've pretty much summed up all my feelings! My situation is very similar. "Straight? But girls are amaaazing. But I haven't had a specific crush on a real life girl in a long time." Etc, etc. But yeah, basically everything you said.

You get me, man. You get me. ;P

Yay! It's not just me!

[Member54880]

I felt this way for 2 years, because the first people I came out to, some unsupportive friends, kept invalidating it. They made me think I wasn't 'qualified' to identify as asexual, because I couldn't 'prove' it to them that I was actually asexual, as opposed to being repressed or in denial.

[Rare Aztec Whstling Chickn]

I'm going by grey ace for the time being since I have a libido. The libido that I have sometimes makes me think that I'm not as asexual as I thought, and usually feel dissapointed because of it.

[cheapcoffee]

I'm going by grey ace for the time being since I have a libido. The libido that I have sometimes makes me think that I'm not as asexual as I thought, and usually feel dissapointed because of it.

But there's a difference between libido/sex drive and sexual attraction isn't there? It seems like it's normal for many asexuals to have a sex drive, to varying degrees. I don't think that makes you any less asexual! And even so, grey-ace is still ace. It's not like one is better than the other; there's no competition here!