Romantic Relationships VS. Platonic Relationships and Friendship

[Mayonasium]

I will be honest, after browsing a good number of posts in the forums, it surprised me to find just how many people were afraid of their sexual or romantic friends placing partnered relationships above friendship. In the back of my mind, I had acknowledged it but just seeing how much of a concern it is for some people has got me pondering over the idea and trying to figure it out more in depth.

The best way I can describe my thoughts on the matter is with an analogy. Let's assume for a moment that each relationship you have is like a puzzle piece. You have your romantic puzzle pieces and your platonic puzzle pieces. Each piece is a vital part in finishing the puzzle. No one single piece is more important than any other. If you're missing a romantic piece, you're going to have a hole in your puzzle that leaves you feeling empty and lonely. Conversely, if you're missing a platonic piece, you're still going to have that hole in your puzzle leaving you wishing you had more close friends. It doesn't matter what kind of piece it is in the end, you'll still be keenly aware that it's missing. I've always felt that romantic and platonic relationships were of equal value so it's strange to me to see how many people are worried about being abandoned by a friend in favor of a romantic relationship. I understand that it happens, but I don't think that I personally could ever do that without being painfully aware of how I was suddenly missing out on hanging out with my close friends.

I spent a good portion of tonight discussing it with a sexual friend of mine who has been very open and supportive of my asexuality. What if it was a sexual relationship versus a platonic relationship? Did that same assumption hold true? Would a sexual person place more emphasis on that kind of relationship than a friendship? Does this fear that everyone seems to have apply to that kind of situation as well? I was almost surprised by how vehement she was in her answer. No, she did not think that having a partner would trump having a friendship. No, she did not think that romance was more important than friendship or vice versa for that matter. She told me that if she ever was lucky enough to find the man of her dreams, that he would have to be willing to understand that her friendships were just as important and that she still intended to value and honor those people who had been with her all these years. And that if he couldn't understand that, it would be grounds for her to end the relationship.

So the question I pose to you all is... is this something we should all worry about as much as we seem to? Will our friends really leave us in the dust for a man or woman who happens to make their heart go "pitter patter"? Or is being twitterpated so important as to lose sight of everything else?

[imafuturecatlady]

I really think it depends on the person. People are going to have different priorities than other, so some will choose a romantic or sexual relationship over a platonic relationship or friendship. So yes, I do think it's a valid reason to worry over because you can never be sure on whether or not a close friend is going to leave you to pursue some other form of relationship. I've had it happen to me twice recently, where a a friend that I'm close with has found and pursued a relationship with another person. And it hurts. But unfortunately, that person doesn't see the effects on our friendship that their new relationship has caused. While I'm not condemning them for having this new relationship, it's just sad that our friendship has to suffer for their new found love.

[Ziggy_G]

I think a lot of the people on Aven who worry a lot about it are the ones who've had experiences of it happening to them in the past. There are those couples and those friends who disappear when they pair up, not to mention as they get older, have families and make friends that have more in common with their lives now, friends disappearing is a valid concern as it does happen. And when you've been hurt that way before its very painful to imagine going through it again. Which can be damaging, make people put up walls.

Nobody is going to be the same in how they value different relationships/friendships asexual or not. And different people are going to see their friendships differently. I had a friend (slightly a stalker) who saw us as being in some super-close practically a couple friendship that would last til we were old, I saw him as a friendship I'd be okay living without. On the other hand I have one friend I've known 15 years, been through tonnes together, she could live on the otherside of the planet with a weird husband and 16 kids and we'd still be tight.

Personally I struggled a lot with learning that not getting married didn't mean I wouldn't have any meaningful friendships, but that's because my parents never had any friends when I was growing up so I never learnt what adult friendships looked like or that they could exist outside of marriage. I'm going to make sure my godkids dont get messed up the same way I did in that respect.

[Valja]

I have friends that married and left, but we are still close and trying to figure out how to see each other since we are in different cities of the country all of us.

I still can understand the concern of loosing your friend because now he is in a romantic relationship, I had a friend like that , her partner didn't want us to be friends and she listened to him, also I knew 2 sexual friends who ended the same way, but this people can't actually be called friends cause they aren't really.

[llamajesus]

As a college student, this is sadly something that I've experienced. I've had a lot of my friends either move in with their partners, or just start spending a lot of time around them. At that point, I see them significantly less often than I used to. Even last year when I lived in a triple, my two roommates were almost never on campus because they always wanted to be around their boyfriends.

It doesn't bother me so much now that I'm used to it though. I'm basically happy as long as I see my friends at least on a somewhat regular basis.

[Calligraphette_Coe]

So the question I pose to you all is... is this something we should all worry about as much as we seem to? Will our friends really leave us in the dust for a man or woman who happens to make their heart go "pitter patter"? Or is being twitterpated so important as to lose sight of everything else?

It's been my experience that 'yes, they will, but not always because they necessarily *want* to, but because their love interest throws down the gauntlet'.

Or, as a corollary to Murphy's Laws states:

The battle doesn't always to the strongest, nor the race to the swiftest. But that's the way the smart money bets.

[AceInhibitor]

It depends on the friend. My housemate and one of my closest friends is amazing when it comes to not putting her romantic relationships above her friends, whereas a few of my other friends are definitely the 'Well sure, you're my friend, but romantic relationships come first, that's the rule', and one of my best friends back home was in a relationship with someone who was very clingy, and that was fine because I live at the other side of the country so we rarely saw each other and so when I was up we'd make a special effort to see each other, but once or twice she'd ask if her boyfriend could come too because he didn't want to be left out. I didn't overly mind but I did think it was a bit weird how they seemed unable to function without my friend. But it's something I think happens quite a lot once people get married, so I am worried that's going to happen to me once my friends settle down in a few years. I think I'll mostly be ok because I've got other friends and I have my family but I'll be sad if I lose some of my friends because of their romantic relationships. I think you're right though, it's a puzzle, and you lots of different friendships and relationships in your life to make you happy, or at least for most people. I mean some people only want/need one best friend whereas I have a few, and some people need a romantic relationships and others don't, a few of my friends are very very family oriented and will drop everything for their family. I try and divide up my time fairly equally, but I have a smaller family so there isn't as much occasion to meet up with them all the time anyway. I don't have a mass of cousins and aunts of uncles like some people. I don't think I'm a very jealous friend, but I do worry that things will be different once marriage and things come into the equation. And then I suppose some of my friends who don't want children are worried they'll lose out once people start having kids, and I intend to have children one day, so equally I hope I won't ditch my friends because I'm a parent, although that's a little inevitable in some respects because of the time thing, but then things will change when people move around the country again so I suppose I needn't worry. I'm pretty sure with a couple of my best friends that unless we say something awful to each other we'll probably stay fairly close, we talk constantly even when we're all over the country in the summer.

[jksummer]

I agree that it depends on the friend, and the friendship. When my male friends met a woman they were interested in, they didn't end our friendship. I saw a little less of them, but I would be introduced to her, and would sometimes do something with both of them.

On the other hand, when I was in a platonic relationship with a woman, and she met that 'special someone', well, then goodbye to me. It wouldn't happen immediately, but eventually it would end, most likely because the man she was with didn't want me around her. OK, there was one exception, he wasn't jealous, but then, he knew me pretty well, and knew there was no reason to be. Well, I guess that's the way of the world, but it does tend to make it difficult to maintain a non-romantic relationship with the opposite sex.

[. . .but there are sounds]

This thread was moved from Asexual Musings and Rantings to Asexual Relationships.

. . .but there are sounds,

Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator

[Fire & Rain]

As a college student, this is sadly something that I've experienced. I've had a lot of my friends either move in with their partners, or just start spending a lot of time around them. At that point, I see them significantly less often than I used to. Even last year when I lived in a triple, my two roommates were almost never on campus because they always wanted to be around their boyfriends.

It doesn't bother me so much now that I'm used to it though. I'm basically happy as long as I see my friends at least on a somewhat regular basis.

That's what happened to me too :( I've learned that if I want someone to be my long term best friend who would never leave me, they had to feel romantic attraction towards me.

[llamajesus]

As a college student, this is sadly something that I've experienced. I've had a lot of my friends either move in with their partners, or just start spending a lot of time around them. At that point, I see them significantly less often than I used to. Even last year when I lived in a triple, my two roommates were almost never on campus because they always wanted to be around their boyfriends.

It doesn't bother me so much now that I'm used to it though. I'm basically happy as long as I see my friends at least on a somewhat regular basis.

That's what happened to me too :( I've learned that if I want someone to be my long term best friend who would never leave me, they had to feel romantic attraction towards me.

For me, I wouldn't say that they'd need to be romantically attracted to me, but they would have to be single or something. Because I've still maintained these friendships, but they feel significantly more distant than they used to.

[Cassara]

I certainly agree that one wouldn't trump the other, and that you'd miss platonic relationships by focusing on romantic ones and vice versa. However, I do also think that some people (especially young people) put a higher value on romantic relationships because they lose themselves in a sort of 'love haze' and feel like the relationship is going to last forever and they feel the need to be around their SO as much as possible.

I feel like this sort of thing lessens as people get older and more comfortable in their relationship(s).

My only personal story I can contribute is that I've got a friend with whom I've got an extremely intimate but platonic relationship, and we do all sorts of cuddly-relationshippy things that to an outsider might look like we're dating, but really we're both just very comfortable around each other and quite touchy-feely. However, we both agree that doing the same sort of 'relationshippy' things with someone we like means something different and can feel intimate in an altogether different way. I've done a lot of the same 'relationshippy' things with my crush, but unlike with my friend, with my crush I almost physically miss the fact that I can't cuddle with him when we're apart and think about when we can meet up again. I miss talking and bonding with both of them equally, but I feel like I miss my crush with an additional physical element to it.

So in conclusion, I think it really depends on the person. Some people will become so attached to their SO to the point of forgetting about their platonic relationships, but I don't find that to be particularly healthy because I think you need a balance of people in your life. It's easy to forget about your regular friends when you want to be around your SO all the time (the additional physical element), but many people can easily balance the two.