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New and (Partially) Confused


CatsAndRain

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Hello everyone!

This is the first time I've joined an online community and probably the second time I've posted on a forum ever so please be patient with me if I make any mistakes, ^_^

I'm only 20 years old and it has taken me a lot of time to identify myself as asexual. I've labelled myself as heterosexual/straight ever since puberty and the first time I've ever heard of different orientations. My reasoning was simple: I like boys and I'm not attracted to girls in any way nor do I want a relationship with them, therefore I'm heterosexual. Turns out it wasn't that simple.

Every time I've mentioned my lack of desire for having sex with someone it usually followed by this:"It will come to you eventually." But even when I had my first relationship and with later casual dating the need has never come.

And until last summer when I actually looked up on the Internet what asexuality actually is and all the aspects it includes, I was astounded! So many people with similar feelings as mine!

This is now where the tricky part comes in. I have never felt the need to discuss this with my parents, or my sister but I have talked about this with three of my friends whom I deemed would be supportive. One of them was. And we had a very nice conversation about it.

Two of them are sceptic about this. One was with the usual opinion:"If you haven't tried it, then how do you know?" but she was also very careful not to offend me and reasoned that 'I do what I feel like'. The other one was really...oblivious(?) to my feelings and when I tried to explain to her she was a bit rude. Her exact words were: "It seems weird that when the whole world wants to have sex and thinks about it all the times, you can't", "I know you and I know that once you find someone who will show you the love that comes with that connection you will like it too".

So, is it really necessary to try it and confirm that I don't like it? Because I really don't want to force myself into doing something and resent the person I'm with and hate myself.

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" So, is it really necessary to try it and confirm

that I don't like it? Because I really don't want

to force myself into doing something and resent

the person I'm with and hate myself."

You know, you don't need to "confirm" anything. Even less by forcing it.

If it happens you find somebody and the feeling genuinely happens, don't hold yourself.

But don't force yourself into situations that might bring stress, conflict, infelicity, whatever you call. Okey? :D

Welcome to AVEN and have a great time around!

:cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

*big hugs*

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Welcome to AVEN!

You don't have to force yourself to confirm anything - it's not something that you 'need' to prove to anyone, and your current feelings against it should be all the confirmation you need. People who want sex know they want sex - people who don't want sex know they don't just as much.

Sure, things might change if you meet the 'right one' - but you'll know it if/when it happens, I swear.

And then again, finding the right one may mean you find someone to be happily asexual with. :)

Hopefully being here will help reinforce that you're not the "only one in the world" who doesn't want sex.

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Aisntllecxtual

Welcome to AVEN CatsAndRain. As stated above, there is no obligation to have sex to determine whether you will like it or not. From that sort of reasoning could follow much that would be regrettable to say the least - tragic. How do you know you don't like heroin? You must try it first. How do you know you wouldn't like the thrill of jumping off a bridge into dangerous water? You must experience it to know. On and on and on... You seem very self-assured, having a good inner compass. Do how YOU feel. Ignore a lot of the specious reasoning or subtle or not-so-subtle pressure that comes your way. By the way, ja sam Amerikanac ali ja zivim u hrvatska, u Karlovac. Ponovite, dobrodosli do AVEN! Molim imate kolac. :cake:

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Thank you all for your quick replies!

I have encountered numerous people telling me 'you have to try it to know' and one of my friends has told me that she doesn't believe I'll ever meet someone who will want a relationship with me so it bothered me a bit.

I doubt I'll really try it one day but I'm glad some people in this world have my back.

And Aisntllecxtual I'm from Karlovac too :D

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Hi and welcome! There are definitely two ways to approach the 'trying sex' to see if you like it conundrum and it should always be from a place of feeling comfortable. If you are comfortable in your skin without that experience, that's awesome...if another asexual decides to try it to confirm their feelings, that's really okay too. The important thing is that each person is respected for the choice they make and accepted for it too. I've seen both and think both are reasonable and smart ways to deal with that issue. Be true to you, that's what's most important when it comes to sex! I hope you love being a member here! :)

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Hello. You are in no way obligated to prove yourself: that's just our hetronormative culture kicking in. Welcome to AVEN.

vanilla-cupcake-3-300x300.jpg

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Hello CatsAndRain and welcome to Aven! :cake:
It's great to discover asexuality isn't it? Such a relief.
About (heterosexual) people telling you to try and prove: ask them if they fall in love and have sex with people of their own sex. If they say no tell them they just haven't found the right person yet. How would they know they don't love it of they don't try it?
Or just reverse the question and ask them when they choose to be heterosexual. They'll probably say they didn't choose it, they always knew the were heterosexual even before having sex. Well guess what, it's the same for homosexuals, bisexuals and asexuals. :)

But again awesome that you discovered Aven. You're very welcome here. :)

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Hello and welcome :) You don't need to do anything - YOU know what you want, and don't want, and that's it. How you identify yourself is your choice, and always will be, no-one can change that *hugs* xx

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