Confused Demi.. or Asexual? (warnings for a little TMI)

[Ashley<3]

Recenty, I've identified as demisexual.

I suppose I'm still having trouble understanding myself as demi. Initially, when I read the word "demisexual" I read it like a breath air. Finally, I understand myself!

Now, I can't help but feel I've taken leaps forwards and steps back.

I feel emotional attraction to my boyfriend, and although we've been intimate, I don't know if our intimacy is a result of my emotional attraction or sex drive?

He's the only person I've had fantasies about where I would take part in those fantasies. I find him beautiful, but I'm not attracted to how he or anyone looks (if he decided on a sex change tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference). I don't have strong feelings of sexual attraction towards him. Any other fantasy I have had I was never part of (such as imagining two movie characters I have a developed connection with) and would not have the desire to be intimate with given the opportunity. While I can enjoy touches that are directly sexual (like oral), it is not a big factor, and I would struggle more if (for example) we stopped being romantic. The intimate moments we have don't feel as much as a result of him (despite how romantically attracted I am to him, and as much as a nice date is more likely to lead into something more) as much as me personally feeling my own sex drive. For me, oral is more of a release of a sex drive than sex.. If that makes sense? As a result I enjoy that, but I absolutely hate (as I've discussed with my boyfriend) sensual touches (like boob touches, or caresses).

I'm sure this is a frequently asked question here. I tried to avoid this, however even after reading a lot on this wonderful site, I can't pin point myself down as demisexual or asexual. For me, this identification would offer a lot of closure.

Also, how is demisexuality a part of asexuality? If Demi's experience sexual attraction by an emotional attraction, wouldn't they be something else? Also, is there a difference between sexual attraction and physical attraction?

I'm sorry for the ramble! Any insight would be greatly appreciated - thank you in advance!

[Ficulnean]

Hello. I would pinpoint you as demisexual (armchair, I'm saying all this from an armchair, it is not gospel) based on how you answer this question: do you ever want sex with him? If so, demisexual. If it's simply enjoying sex with him, well, even asexuals can do that. It's simply that they don't want it that matters.

[Philip027]

For some clarification, demis may more closely identify toward asexuality because, what demisexuality basically means is "I am effectively asexual the majority of the time, EXCEPT when the right person rolls along"

If they go through most of their lives without that proper connection having been built, it's easy for them to more closely associate with being asexual because most of their life, that's what they essentially have been.

[poppyseed777]

From my understanding (still learning sexual here) a demisexual person is asexual until they have a connection with another that works for them, and then they are a sexual with that right person. Maybe you're just a demisexual person who leans a bit more towards that asexual side?

[Ashley<3]

Thank you for the input.

I do, occasionally, want to have sex with him. It's a rather fleeting feeling, and I've never felt any of the physical attraction towards him that other demisexuals talk about when they find the right person. However, everyone is different, and I guess demisexual can be vary between how close or as far away it is from asexuality.

[Ficulnean]

Yep, you'd be right in that guess. So go with whatever you are comfortable with.