How do you pursue relationships?

[fuchsia lu]

Hi, I've recently come to the realization that I am most likely a grey-sexual / grey-romantic and came here looking for community and advice. I'm a 23 yo female and I've never been in a relationship, but with a lot of close friends settling down with their partners, I've realized I'm a bit lonely.

I'm pretty positive I've never met anyone I've been sexually attracted to, but I'm really interested in a romantic relationship and wouldn't mind if it involved sex.

The problem is, I have no idea how to go about pursuing a relationship or even dating.

I may have been brainwashed by movies and books, but I always just figured you'd know if you liked someone. Like I thought you'd meet someone through mutual friends or at work or something and your brain would just ping like, "this is a person you're interested in." But that obviously has never happened.

To be honest, I think I'm trying to chalk up aesthetic attraction as sexual attraction, and have no idea how to distinguish between liking someone as a friend and liking someone as something "more."

Am I making too big a deal of this? At this point, do I just pick someone and try to show interest? Has anyone had similar experience and/or advice?

[wyrdwyrm]

All I can do is show solidarity - I'm pretty clueless, too. ;)

[Corretto]

Hi...I identify with you both, way in NZ. I have family with roots in Sheboygan [just down the road?]. Apologies: They're all hetero-normative! Cia

down here

[lycanrising]

One young guy who is married told me once that living with his wife is like living with his best friend. So it's going to be someone you're incredibly comfortable with.

Maybe talk to people you think look good and see what happens. It's an odd world we live in and some are genuinely interested in trying whilst others just want a quick fun journey.

[brbdogsonfire]

Its more of a decision with me I can be interested in someone sexually but not romantically. Once I have gotten to know them and I know some of their qualities would I consider more. So for me relationships aren't how movies portray them.

[jksummer]

You may be overthinking this. I don't know that you need to make a distinction between liking someone as a friend or as "more", at least until you've known them for awhile. Nothing wrong with making friends. Even on some of the allo dating sites you'll see someone stating "friends first". In Madison there are a lot of activities for younger people, and that should give you plenty of opportunities to meet someone, or to be met. I would say just don't try to force anything, and keep an open mind. Now the caveat - on this site, in particular, many of us (myself included) are as much in the dark about this as you are. And if you are gray, well, it just may take a bit longer for you to find someone suitable. My sense of it is that the 'ping' you are referring to is sexual attraction, and you can see why that could be problematic.

Movies and books probably aren't the best models for us. Well, maybe something like Moonlighting or Remington Steele from 80s TV. For us pursuing romance is a bit like being Thursdays child. Best of luck.

[wyrdwyrm]

Hi...I identify with you both, way in NZ. I have family with roots in Sheboygan [just down the road?]. Apologies: They're all hetero-normative! Cia

down here

(Hey, Sheboygan! That is practically down the road! I'm waving at them now! Can they see me?)

[VintageRev]

I'm not too different from your story. I identify as grey-a and my wife is pansexual. When we first met she knew i was the one but i wasn't sure because I didn't experience things like the movies. I do agree with some of the earlier statements from above. I found someone that is my best friend which i think is required even more for a relationship with someone on the asexual side of the spectrum

[Corretto]

Hi...I identify with you both, way in NZ. I have family with roots in Sheboygan [just down the road?]. Apologies: They're all hetero-normative! Cia

down here

(Hey, Sheboygan! That is practically down the road! I'm waving at them now! Can they see me?)

I've asked them to wave back...but there was no answer! I don't know where they are: They could be fast asleep...or watching a GB Packers match!? Cia

[wyrdwyrm]

Hi...I identify with you both, way in NZ. I have family with roots in Sheboygan [just down the road?]. Apologies: They're all hetero-normative! Cia

down here

(Hey, Sheboygan! That is practically down the road! I'm waving at them now! Can they see me?)

I've asked them to wave back...but there was no answer! I don't know where they are: They could be fast asleep...or watching a GB Packers match!? Cia

Packers don't play until this Sunday...but it is nearly midnight. Sleep seems like a reasonable excuse! ;)

[Ficulnean]

Pick someone you want to talk to more and . . . and . . . and show interest. Which I am not going to give any advice on how to do. Talk more with them? Don't freak out when they get in you're personal space. . . I just realized when writing this that I've gone wrong on that last one. Let me go try to unlock that one of many locks on this closet. But yeah, let them into your personal space.

[JSML]

For me, I figure that if I want or am going to be in a relationship, I want it to be a good experience, regardless of whether it works out or not. When giving relationship advice to anyone, whoever they are, I usually say, don't look for a person to be in a relationship with. Look for a friend or friends. Focus on being best friends. I don't know about you but my ideal relationship is to be with my best friend. Your friendship relationships will be real, comfortable, honest and lasting and then, if you still feel that you want to take a step forward towards a more romantic path, go for it. In high school and still now, I have an incredibly difficult time differentiating between liking and "liking" someone. This is my current solution. If it doesn't work out, you've still got an amazing friend who knows and accepts the real you, which definitely helps the loneliness predicament. Worst case scenario, your friendship doesn't last. Good learning experiences to apply to your future attempts. Hope this helps.

[Bardofthe90s]

I'm...well, a little confused as well. It always seemed like if you would like to date someone, you could just kind of ask them out? And there are people I am attracted to, maybe even like to date, but I'm not entirely sure how I would even DO that. I'm one of those super logical people, so that works with my brain, but I'm also super shy.

It doesn't really help that in pretty much all media the man is the instigator in straight relationships (not much input on homosexual relationships at all in media, but I digress), and I've never really dated. There was one dude, but it was incredibly awkward because I just wasn't into him, but I thought I'd give it a chance (biromantic asexuality is darn confusing at times). ^_^"

[Fire & Rain]

I don't actively seek for relationships. They just sort of happen sometimes. It's always my friends who ask me out but I don't do traditional romantic relationships anymore (I don't mind sex). There were times in the past where I wanted to be in romantic relationships but got super turned off and repulsed when I actually got into one.

I think it's best to let relationships progress themselves. Don't go into the state of getting to know someone with "they have to be friends or potential romantic partners." Instead just hang out with someone if you like them as a person. Who knows? It might progress into something else.

[scarletlatitude]

I can't say much for my own personal experience. (The guys I've dated ended the relationship when they found out I was ace... yeah, real winners there...). But, from friends and family members' experiences, it seems to me that a lot of people meet significant others randomly in the world. My older sister met her boyfriend in the psychological research book section of Barnes and Noble. My other sister works with her current boyfriend.

So, I guess we just need to go do stuff we enjoy, and hopefully someone comes along who also enjoys those things. I guess the real problem is when you're an asexual introvert like me. :P AVEN is the most social interaction I get! :P

[Raine14]

Oh yes, I have definitely been there. I identify as heteroromantic, but to be honest, I sometimes wonder if I am more grey-heteroromantic than not. I had a bad, bad habit of dating guys -- not because I liked them, but because I didn't not like them. In other words, guys would ask me out and I always felt I didn't know enough about them to make a judgement on whether or not I could like them romantically. Actually, before my current boyfriend, I had made myself promise that the next time a guy I didn't not like asked me out, I would allow him two or three dates (because the first one might be a flop) and if I didn't like him after that, no more (and be upfront about it). Having been through this whole process, my recommendation is: don't do it. At least not without a time limit of some sort. Otherwise you end up in a relationship that you don't care about at a romantic level, but the other person does. And that can be hurtful to both of you.

Now, on the rare occasion I would meet someone that sparked my interest. Sometimes it was aesthetically. Sometimes it was intellectually. I would pursue it with the thought of being friends first, and then decide if I felt something more. It didn't always work out that way -- one guy whom I found intellectually stimulating professed his undying love for me on our second outing, and I was like: "Uh, I barely know you . . . so no." But if you are gray-romantic, that's just the way you are wired. Friends first. Romance later.

So from what I've learned in life, if you find someone interesting in some way, seize the moment. It's too rare to pass up. If someone else finds you interesting, explain what it means to be a gray-romantic and that you are willing to try it out, but it could go either way. Hope that helps some.

[WuNsChKiNd89]

Hi, I've recently come to the realization that I am most likely a grey-sexual / grey-romantic and came here looking for community and advice. I'm a 23 yo female and I've never been in a relationship, but with a lot of close friends settling down with their partners, I've realized I'm a bit lonely.

I'm pretty positive I've never met anyone I've been sexually attracted to, but I'm really interested in a romantic relationship and wouldn't mind if it involved sex.

The problem is, I have no idea how to go about pursuing a relationship or even dating.

I may have been brainwashed by movies and books, but I always just figured you'd know if you liked someone. Like I thought you'd meet someone through mutual friends or at work or something and your brain would just ping like, "this is a person you're interested in." But that obviously has never happened.

To be honest, I think I'm trying to chalk up aesthetic attraction as sexual attraction, and have no idea how to distinguish between liking someone as a friend and liking someone as something "more."

Am I making too big a deal of this? At this point, do I just pick someone and try to show interest? Has anyone had similar experience and/or advice?

I can commiserate with you on this one. I'm 25, ace but probably gray-romantic as well. Definitely somewhere on the aro scale, but at this point I'm not too sure about where. Never been in a relationship of any kind before.

A LOT of my friends - the vast majority of them even - are either married, in (stable?) long-term relationships, or have a constantly revolving door of partners. I can think of 2 people that are perpetually single, as I am. One of these two definitely wants a boyfriend, don't know about the other. All I ever hear about is their relationship, love lives, children, marriages, the whole 9 yards. I find it exhausting and irritating, and it often has me feeling lonely and thinking that I'll be alone forever (or at least a long while yet).. which I'm somewhat afraid of.

I've never really tried to initiate a romantic relationship, and always assumed, like you, that I would just know when I met someone I was interested in romantically.. but it has yet to happen.

I've always thought that if there was someone I was interested in romantically, I would try and spend time with them, get to know them, just like you would with any other friends, and if they reciprocate and seem interested then it goes to "the next step". What that is, now that I think about it, I honestly have no clue because as I said, I've never been there.

Sorry, this is probably not helpful in the least, but know at least that you're not alone!

[Xavy]

I don't pursue relationships anymore because the one thing I know is this, I suck at it. I generally had no problems getting dates, but then, on each occasion, I found that I felt like I had lost the plot right after the date was accepted by the other person. It was always like, what am I supposed to do now ?

[SorryNotSorry]

Hi, I've recently come to the realization that I am most likely a grey-sexual / grey-romantic and came here looking for community and advice. I'm a 23 yo female and I've never been in a relationship, but with a lot of close friends settling down with their partners, I've realized I'm a bit lonely.

I'm pretty positive I've never met anyone I've been sexually attracted to, but I'm really interested in a romantic relationship and wouldn't mind if it involved sex.

The problem is, I have no idea how to go about pursuing a relationship or even dating.

I may have been brainwashed by movies and books, but I always just figured you'd know if you liked someone. Like I thought you'd meet someone through mutual friends or at work or something and your brain would just ping like, "this is a person you're interested in." But that obviously has never happened.

To be honest, I think I'm trying to chalk up aesthetic attraction as sexual attraction, and have no idea how to distinguish between liking someone as a friend and liking someone as something "more."

Am I making too big a deal of this? At this point, do I just pick someone and try to show interest? Has anyone had similar experience and/or advice?

Well, if you're really serious, you need to be proactive... the wallflower routine becomes ever less effective as fewer men are willing to approach women. If you don't want to break the rules for whatever reason, well then you'll just have to manage being lonely as best you can.

Also, have you worked on yourself? By that, I mean have you thought about what a relationship means---the possibility of having to merge two lives? Are you confident that you're unselfish enough to make a relationship work?

Whatever you do, avoid online dating. It's a bad deal for women because most of the men on OLD are horny neanderthals. It's a bad deal for decent men because there are just too many men with fake profiles and stolen photos pretending to be women.

[DashaT]

I don't even bother trying to persue a relationship, since I know no one would want to persue a relationship with me :(.

[Whispearl]

For me, I found it best not to actively pursue a relationship, but for me to let my life progress naturally and if it led me in the direction of a relationship, I wouldn't mind. Of course, that's not to say you shouldn't put yourself out there, get yourself around so that people know you and such (because people don't put themselves out there enough and that presence helps you build relationships of all kinds). But I feel like most people (I'm not saying you, just making a general blanket statement) put so much effort into pursuing relationships that they get a sort of tunnel vision and will accept nothing less. If you are still able to live your life and make connections without the ulterior motive of a relationship, something more natural could grow and progress from that than if you're fixed on a romantic relationship. It takes longer, but it's worth it.

[gary80]

Ive ried asexual relatuiionships but not got anywhere as of yet

[Schrecken]

I have had the same kind of problem all of my life. I have rarely ever been attracted to anyone (sexually or even aesthetically), and what few times I did develop a crush the object of the crush was always uninterested in me for some reason, or they didn't even realize I was interested in them. And what few times anyone was interested in me, I was unable to reciprocate (lack of interest in them). I had tried dating a few times here and there, and nothing ever came out of it, for me it was a waste of time. So I basically gave up trying to pursue anything. I could always be friendly with guys and get along with them well, and even make friends with some, but romantic relationships never materialized.

However, this summer I actually did manage to meet someone and a relationship has developed out of that meeting. I honestly have no idea how it came to be that way, or what I did right (if I did much of anything at all). And when I made first contact with this guy (online, he started it) I made up my mind to go out of my way to avoid him! This was because I just figured he was some lecherous older man (he was 10 years my senior at 55) out to get fresh with me, and not only that, I met him on a kink website where there are likely even more creeps lurking around than you'd find on dating sites. So this was a meeting I sought to avoid, but ironically he was the first person I ended up approaching at the social gathering (there were about 30 people there that night at the bar from the same group) simply because he looked like a decent guy. He had no pictures of himself on his online profile (which isn't unusual on kink sites), so I had no way of avoiding him by looks. When he introduced himself I figured out immediately who he was, but I didn't want to be rude and so I stayed and talked to him for a while. And out of that odd beginning has come a romantic (and also sexual) relationship.

The only factor here I can figure on that gave me a leg up, so to speak, was that I managed to tap into something that interested me (kinks/fetishes) and that motivated me to actually go out and mingle with people. And also I might add, it was in a low pressure environment, with a social gathering with lots of people, rather than one on one dates.

Other than that, I really can't offer up any advice. Probably the best way is to try and hang out with people who share the same intense interests you do, because that does give you something to work off of (in my case we share a lot of the same kinky interests, and also other interests as well). That way you can more easily socialize with people without the "date" pressure. In my case it just kind of happened (yes, very Hollywood-like) so all I can do is to look back with 20/20 hindsight and try to figure out what worked.