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Hollowed soul and wasted time


Thelostwinterboy

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Thelostwinterboy

Hey everyone. I recently came to the realization that I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, and I'm struggling to cope with what this means in my life and in my human interactions. I feel sort of hollowed out and empty by this realization, and I feel like I have wasted much of my life pursuing a goal that I never really desired. I was wondering if anyone had any experiences with this and how to cope with this life changing realization. Thanks

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Well you sound very sad about it, which I can only kind of relate to. I hoped I was just a late bloomer all throughout high school and it was a little depressing that instead I was just part of the 1% (lol if only we were the rich kind) that aren't attracted to anyone. Made me feel small and unimportant.

But it shouldn't change you life at all unless you're entire life has been dedicated to feeling sexual attraction. We can still love and get married and some of us still have sex. We still long for companionship even if we're aromantic (it's just platonic and nonromantic). We generally long for acceptance and that's one main reason AVEN is so welcoming to new members. Welcome, btw. I'd off you a picture of cake but can't find one small enough so... cake? :cake:

What's your dream? When I was little I didn't care about anything like careers or anything and my dream was just to be a mother and have a family. That's still possible. I have a wonderful boyfriend who accepts me and also wants a family later in life. Kids don't have to be biological for a parent to love them, so even if sex isn't an option for you, kids still are if you want them. Being asexual doesn't mean being alone, or single, for your entire life. It just means that you're not sexually attracted to anyone. There are even asexual dating sites if you only want to date within our community so you can find other people you won't have to explain your sexuality to.

And who knows?! You don't have to give up all hope! Sexuality is on a spectrum, and you may very well not be asexual your entire life even if you have been up to this point! You may be demisexual, which means you're only sexually attracted to people after forming an emotional connection with them, or gray-sexual, which means you do experience sexual attraction but it's far and few between enough that you might as well be asexual.

Just keep your chin up and try and see the world positively. This is actually the most optimistic thing I've ever written, and so let that mean something, if only to me. Even a pessimistic/realistic person like me thinks positively about the asexual community and our very normal lives. :D

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Be glad you found out that day and not the next. I can understand what you mean; you've been chasing society's expectation of how you should behave without thinking about whether it's how you want to behave and act.

But that's okay, our self worth isn't based on how many you've scored. For some it is, and they can have their fun because their world isn't going to last. Well, time ensures that true for everyone. But the main thing to realise is that you're worth what you bring to the world.

Think about where your self worth is, think about what you contribute that makes you valuable.

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Aisntllecxtual

Welcome to AVEN. For sake, in being awake, belonging to this very enjoyable educational community, I offer you cake. :cake: You have come to a fundamental understanding of yourself - an invaluable revelation. My world was colored differently when I became aware. The new hue enriched my life. My view was obscured walking in the thick woods. Now, I feel like I have entered upon a clearing, lofty, a spectacular view of the dense forests that once repressed but now inspire. The horizon seems expansively endless, whence, previously, was cloudy -,delusively dark. In embarking upon your journey in the daylight, with every step you take, here is hoping the hollowness you feel now will be filled with a soul warmed - decisions (in)formed - by truth. :)

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I also felt bad when I first realized I was probably asexual. I was about to turn 40, and the realization was kicking in that I really couldn't go on pretending any longer that I might possibly get married and have children "one day" Although this didn't particularly bother me, I'd always assumed I'd end up doing it, because "everyone does". Also I find it hard to make good real-life friends, and it seemed like being asexual would just make trying to find someone to be with even more hellishly impossible than it was already.

Nearly a year on, I feel like understanding myself as asexual has helped me to realize that perhaps marriage and having kids wouldn't have been such a great choice for me anyway - or at least I have some basis for making sense of why it didn't happen for me. It's also beginning to help me somewhat in my interactions with people, especially with the opposite sex. I used to feel so awkward if I felt a liking for a man, as I was always confused as to whether that meant I "really" found him romantically/sexually attractive. I'm starting to get used to the idea that when I like a man, it is perfectly possible for this to happen without any romantic or sexual element to the attraction. I do hope you find AVEN a helpful place. :)

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Hello and welcome…

I am sorry for your feelings of emptiness and loss. In a way, it almost sounds like you're grieving the loss of someone - like the loss of the person you thought you were supposed to be, and without that, you're kind of at sea about what to do now. Am I near the mark, or am I talking out my behind?

For me, finding out about the Ace community was actually a huge relief. I'd felt like some kind of weirdo alien freak for not having sexual attraction to random people. I'd started terming myself "monosexual", because I was only ever attracted to one person at a time, and that would be the person I was dating and in love with. Realizing that what I'd always craved was intimacy, and intimacy doesn't have to mean sex, was very liberating - it gave me a direction to go, and an understanding of who and where I was.

My best advice, from knowing very little (and probably understanding less) about your situation and feelings, is that you find what it is in you that you *do* enjoy. What interests you, what do you like? For myself, in lieu of actually partaking in a relationship, I find I have buried myself in crafts, and gone on a frenzy of making things (knitting, quilting, constructing with plaster), and other than that I am a mom, fully and absolutely, because I always wanted to be one and there isn't much else useful I can do in the world (but raising my kids, and raising them well, is important to me).

I hope that on this site, you will find support, and whatever sub-community most helps you feel like you have a place, and helps you find your interests. Maybe you'll find companionship of whatever sort is most helpful to you, but at the very least I hope you find understanding.

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First off, welcome to AVEN! :cake: Everyone reacts differently to new knowledge, especially when it pertains to themselves. Discovering asexuality can be a blessing to many people (for me, it was a relief), or it can be something negative...a life-changing piece of knowledge that wasn't there before. You're still the same you as ever, but you just found a new word to describe a part of you. Again, it can be good or bad. It's the power of one word. One discovery. Life has many of these, and sometimes we do spend A LOT of time working on something that doesn't come to fruition, but does it mean that time was truly wasted? No. We learn, we experience, we make realizations. Unfortunately, we can't go everyday predicting everything and knowing everything...not even about ourselves. Life is composed of many hardships and many bright spots. And you are capable of turning hardships and past experiences into bright spots. I'm sure you'll find something that you love, something that will make your life whole again. Sexuality is only one small facet of what makes everyone who they are.

We're all really understanding and supportive people here. : ) Really. I'm sure there are others that have felt the same feelings as you and will be more than willing to share their stories. You aren't alone! Even if you aren't comfortable with talking to other people, you might still find posts on the forum from people in similar boats. Just know that you're welcome and supported here. Best wishes!!

Yummy+Cakes+Part+2+04.jpg

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Hello and welcome to AVEN. It does make me a bit sad, knowing I'm asexual, but I'm bad with people in general so this sadness was already there, so to speak. I haven't lost anything: I've just lost another possibiliy that I should have but don't.

I need cake to feel better now, so I will assume that you do too.

vanilla-cupcake-3-300x300.jpg

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Welcome to AVEN dude. :)

You know, I still feel as wretched as I could be, for reasons wide and broad. I carry a shit-ton of guilt and regrets, I resent and am bitter about a crapload of things.

Finding out about asexuality lifted some weights and placed others, for one, I know I'm not a freak, but, I will not have it easier because of that since I am minority. I could, at least, find out about it quite early, but, not early enough so I didn't need to endure the loneliness and a massive guilt I hold I've shared somewhere else that I'm not going to say again. I know a little bit about me right now since I've answered some questions, but other questions arose just as heart-piercing. I know now what I need to go on with my life but, I will have to go on with my life in a way I couldn't have imagined myself in.

I try to think about the upsides rather than the downsides. And, the kind of person I've become allows me to be free of some dogmas, of course, with a cost.

Try not to think too much of what of bad can happen, what you could have avoided in the past, stuff the like. Try to think about the perks your newfound piece of you can bring along.

Stay strong there man. :)

:cake:

*cheers*

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Hi and welcome to AVEN! It sounds like you've gotten some pep talks and sound advice so far. I think sometimes learning something new (and that it applies to oneself) can be a shock. Perhaps after some of the newness wears off, you will be really glad you pursued the things you did until now...everything we do is part of who we are (and not likely an entirely wasted effort). I hope you love being a member here! :)

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