This is all new to me; I'm confused. Can we talk?

[cheapcoffee]

WARNING: Just in case it makes anyone uncomfortable, I don't describe events in detail, but sex/masturbation is indeed discussed here.

I'm gonna preface this by saying I know no one else can tell me what I am. But I'm pretty confused right now, and I thought it'd help to just talk through it with some of you and your experiences?

Okay. So I've been single for around 2 months now, after coming out of a nearly 3 year relationship, and I guess it should be noted that that was my first serious relationship. It ended for a mixture of reasons(as they often do), but several months before we broke up, we were barely having sex anymore. Before that, for the majority of our relationship, we were having sex pretty regularly(at least once a week I guess? sometimes more) and I was enjoying it. I liked it. But in those last several months it reduced to like once a month, and then not at all for the last 2-ish months.

I just stopped wanting sex, and I had no idea why.

And now sex just kind of makes me uncomfortable? Not as a broad topic, like, if I just think about the subject of sex, no problem. But if I come across graphic/pornographic imagery without seeking it out(I masturbate occasionally and will look at porn to do so), for example if I'm just scrolling through tumblr or what have you, I really don't like it. If I see a fairly involved/extended/graphic sex scene during a tv show/movie, it's uncomfortable. I don't like discussing sex very much anymore, especially when the topic gets personal. (My sister and I have always been able to talk about that stuff, our personal experiences. But I've been feeling weird when she brings it up.)

When I think hard about it, I can't really recall ever being sexually attracted to people. I get meaningless or serious crushes based on appearance or behavior. I can be attracted, but I don't think it was ever in that way?

I don't know. As I learn more about asexuality it sounds kind of right? And reading through a lot of the Q&A's, I find some of the questions I've been asking myself and am reassured. But I just need to talk to someone and maybe narrow this down. I never would have thought I'd be questioning my sexuality and now that I am I'm just a little blindsided by it.

That was a lot to read, I'm sorry! But thank you in advance!

[Member54880]

Welcome! Asexuals can each feel differently about having sex; ranging from those who can enjoy it, are indifferent, and to those who are completely repulsed by it. It's possible that how you feel about sex changed, and you developed a repulsion towards it over time. I don't want to assign labels to you, but one you could look into along with asexuality, is "sex-repulsion", to see if that fits you. Here's a thread about it: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/107680-what-exactly-is-sex-repulsion/

[argar]

Welcome to AVEN.

Yeah, it can be daunting to discover where exactly you fall in the often confusing and in many cases isolating world of asexuality.

I identify as a gray asexual. If you want any more specifics feel free to ask any question you think might help.

I'm glad you found a place you can discuss some of what you are going through.

I think by reading other's posts, you can build a picture for yourself .

Have a beautiful night.

[cheapcoffee]

Welcome! Asexuals can each feel differently about having sex; ranging from those who can enjoy it, are indifferent, and to those who are completely repulsed by it. It's possible that how you feel about sex changed, and you developed a repulsion towards it over time. I don't want to assign labels to you, but one you could look into along with asexuality, is "sex-repulsion", to see if that fits you. Here's a thread about it: http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/107680-what-exactly-is-sex-repulsion/

Thank you, I'll take a look!

[cheapcoffee]

Welcome to AVEN.

Yeah, it can be daunting to discover where exactly you fall in the often confusing and in many cases isolating world of asexuality.

I identify as a gray asexual. If you want any more specifics feel free to ask any question you think might help.

I'm glad you found a place you can discuss some of what you are going through.

I think by reading other's posts, you can build a picture for yourself .

Have a beautiful night.

Thank you. I'll def be doing a lot of reading here!

[littleghost]

I'm always the one who when I do get a 'crush' on someone, alls I do is fantasize about going to thrift stores and snuggling with them. So I can certainly relate.

[cheapcoffee]

I'm always the one who when I do get a 'crush' on someone, alls I do is fantasize about going to thrift stores and snuggling with them. So I can certainly relate.

That makes a lot of sense to me, thank you.

When I think about crushes I've had, I think they're really cute/hot, and enjoy something about their personality or whatever. But, there's like no continuation to that thought/feeling. I basically think, "Wow they're really attractive! They can dance(or whatever) too? They're so hot, gosh!" But that's about it. It more feels like I'm just appreciating them. I appreciate their cuteness/talent. There's no further (sexual) desire.

[tootoolah]

Welcome!

I hope you find things that will help you understand yourself here on AVEN.

I've never really been in a relationship or had an actual crush, but if you feel like talking or asking something just message me. I'm always up for a chat and I'd love to help if I can.

[JustanotherTobigirl]

I know when I tend to find someone 'attractive', its not in a sexual way. I just want to look at them, fully clothed, like a piece of art. In theory, I like the idea of holding hands and snuggling, but have never actually liked someone 'that way'

[Ficulnean]

Looking back on a lot of my crushes, I realize now that it wasn't sexual attraction: I thought it was at the time, but it just . . . wasn't. I think that that's somewhat normal a realization for asexuals to have. In regards to your change of feelings about sex, and it being so sudden, maybe your feelings changed over a longer time but were masked by the fact that you were in a relationship? I honestly don't know.

[cheapcoffee]

Looking back on a lot of my crushes, I realize now that it wasn't sexual attraction: I thought it was at the time, but it just . . . wasn't. I think that that's somewhat normal a realization for asexuals to have. In regards to your change of feelings about sex, and it being so sudden, maybe your feelings changed over a longer time but were masked by the fact that you were in a relationship? I honestly don't know.

Yeah, even in my relationship in roughly the first year, when hormones were high and sex was aplenty, if I really think about the situations it feel like it was more about the hormones. That was my first time like, heavily making out, touching each other, having sex. I was 17, I think it might mostly been all the new hormones that tend to come with that age, and the new experiences. I don't know if I can recall actually being sexually attracted to my ex. I loved him, definitely. But I'm not sure I wanted sex because of him. So yeah, what you said makes sense.

And I think you might be right about my feelings being masked. Being in a long term relationship where sex was the norm, and we still liked each other beyond that, no wonder I didn't think harder about the increasing amount of times I wasn't "in the mood."

I appreciate your thoughts, thanks!

[Ficulnean]

I'm glad I could help! To an extent, the same idea of masking is why it might take some people so long to even realize that they're asexual: if it's never presented as an option we all default to hetrosexual (generally and historically speaking, excepting the romans).

[Calligraphette_Coe]

Okay. So I've been single for around 2 months now, after coming out of a nearly 3 year relationship, and I guess it should be noted that that was my first serious relationship. It ended for a mixture of reasons(as they often do), but several months before we broke up, we were barely having sex anymore. Before that, for the majority of our relationship, we were having sex pretty regularly(at least once a week I guess? sometimes more) and I was enjoying it. I liked it. But in those last several months it reduced to like once a month, and then not at all for the last 2-ish months.

I just stopped wanting sex, and I had no idea why.

And now sex just kind of makes me uncomfortable? Not as a broad topic, like, if I just think about the subject of sex, no problem. But if I come across graphic/pornographic imagery without seeking it out(I masturbate occasionally and will look at porn to do so), for example if I'm just scrolling through tumblr or what have you, I really don't like it. If I see a fairly involved/extended/graphic sex scene during a tv show/movie, it's uncomfortable. I don't like discussing sex very much anymore, especially when the topic gets personal. (My sister and I have always been able to talk about that stuff, our personal experiences. But I've been feeling weird when she brings it up.)

When I think hard about it, I can't really recall ever being sexually attracted to people. I get meaningless or serious crushes based on appearance or behavior. I can be attracted, but I don't think it was ever in that way?

I don't know. As I learn more about asexuality it sounds kind of right? And reading through a lot of the Q&A's, I find some of the questions I've been asking myself and am reassured. But I just need to talk to someone and maybe narrow this down. I never would have thought I'd be questioning my sexuality and now that I am I'm just a little blindsided by it.

That was a lot to read, I'm sorry! But thank you in advance!

You're as asexual as you think you are. Just because you have the equipment and the equipment still works and you've used he equipment in the past doesn't mean it still rocks your world _today_.

In other words, it's not an all or nothing proposition for everyone. Like everything else, it _can_ present in degrees.

And sometimes, those degrees are like having an itch-- you scratch it, and feel relieved, but that doesn't make you feel better about having the damned annoying itch in the first place.

OMG, weren't we ALL, when growing up, promised that SEX was the bomb? That it would be so utterly fantastic, wonderful and just OOOOOOOHHHHHH! And when it wasn't all that, we felt it was US because of the indoctrination we all got?

And then, if we are lucky, we find emotionally satisfying platonic relationships fill a void, only the rest of the world keeps yammering away about LOVE and ROMANCE and ORGASMS.

Filters. Or maybe for some, asexuality is a volume control.

But just like sex itself, there's no exclusive way to do it 'right'. No secret handshake, no codes. Just different ways for different people.

[Angeliss]

I thought for the longest time that I was lesbian, because if I don't generally like men, and I think women are pretty, then that must be it, right? I agonized over that for years, because I'm from a very religious background. But then I realized that I only hold aesthetic attraction for people in general, and men tend to make me nervous because I feel like I'll have to rebuff them at some point. Now that I've realized that, it's a lot easier.

It could very easily be that you're somewhere on the asexual scale, and that's okay. You may take forever figuring it out, and that's fine too. You don't HAVE to be anything.

[BadAlchemy]

Yeah, I agree with you on the oversexed media angle. To me, sex scenes are just cheap shots and lazy writing when inserted into non-porn media. If it's integral to the plot, fine, as long as it isn't protracted. Game of Thrones can get like this at times. More screen time could have been devoted to it's already rich plot.

Porn-as-art is another cheap shot that's been highly prevalent in the Western arts of the last fifteen or so years. Do not care for it in the galleries.

[cheapcoffee]

Yeah, I agree with you on the oversexed media angle. To me, sex scenes are just cheap shots and lazy writing when inserted into non-porn media. If it's integral to the plot, fine, as long as it isn't protracted. Game of Thrones can get like this at times. More screen time could have been devoted to it's already rich plot.

Porn-as-art is another cheap shot that's been highly prevalent in the Western arts of the last fifteen or so years. Do not care for it in the galleries.

Well that's not quite what I was saying. I do agree with you that it is overdone sometimes, for sure. But I was specifically talking about the fact that seeing other people having sex makes me uncomfortable simply bc of what they're doing; it wasn't about whether or not I think the sex scene should be there at all.