who will believe a married asexual?

[ranting ferret]

story time, but i'll try to be brief, if fillers are needed, do ask:

for starters, i'm very sure that i'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. but i'm still working out the details.

i have always been missing any understanding of sexuality. both intrinsically and due to never knowing anything/being taught.

in mid-college a friend told me about some things from her classes she was taking for a sex therapist degree. including a concept of sexuality existing on a bell curve: most hit in point around the middle for sexual attraction, others on one end being hypersexual and the other end being for others who don't feel it that much (hyposexual).

that was a small intro to the idea behind what i'd experienced (rather, not experienced) to that point. more afraid of dating someone that of being alone forever, no interest in anyone around me to date, the feeling of "i'd feel the same way about them whether they were a guy or girl", and utterly confused to tears as to what physical affection meant.

the discussion started partly because she was excited to share her knowledge and partly because i was looking for advice about a new relationship i was in. new meaning this had been going on for about 8 or 9 months. relationship meaning as a senior in college, i was dating someone for the first time.

years later, we got married.

some playing around happened before then, but not intercourse until after the marriage (he is sexual).

i'll take a moment to mention that this person is honestly, the most patient and respectful person i think i'll ever be around. there's no way even a first date would have happened otherwise. and that's the truth.

he's been aware of my fear/shyness/ignorance of sex and sexuality and willingly waiting for me to make all the decisions of where things go. he's helped me through some other issues including recovered memories of early traumas.

the point is that about 6 or 7 months ago was when the friends from earlier, who been answering a myriad of questions i'd send suggested asexuality to me and sent me here to aven. it was one of the happiest, mind explosions i've ever had reading through the main page. the announcement to him that perhaps i was asexual was fine with him. and that hasn't seemed to change our dynamics. i've been excited and relieved to learn about asexuality and vulture around on aven forums (high fives to you all).

and now i'm excited to be working out where i fit...because i know i do, and the specifics may be just because i'm a curious little ferret.

yes, we still do "married-ness things" on what i suppose is a relatively regular basis. what we do feels good, i certainly feel respected and know i have full control of things. outside of that, however, i would be perfectly fine to not do sexual activity of any kind.

i would like to share that i'm some kind of ace with other friends, i have already with another almost equally close friend (and of course the one who led me here). i have an idea of the friends i'd like to share with, i know it wouldn't be on a large scale. i have seen a lot of the different responses, though haven't experienced any because i've hardly told anyone.

but i feel like i will not be believed. not to say that would be a new experience, but i feel like my married status would negate a lot of possibilities....heck, i've already been shot down when encouraging someone to be okay with being single and to the positive side of it....because i'm married.
anyone have advice on working through that if i do decide to tell a few others?

i suddenly realize the story was long and unnecessary for anyone but myself. apologies. i like to share stories...

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

I think it's dumb that marriage would somehow negate your Asexuality. It's like people think that all Aces are aromantic, which of course is not always true. You can tell people your truth but it's on them to accept it, if they don't then it is their stupid problem and not yours.

[Sally]

Think very carefully how you would feel if the reactions were not respectful -- as in not being believed. Do you feel that it is necessary for you, personally, to tell other people about your sex life? Are you willing to take the chance that the reactions could be just about anything? Because once you disclose, it's done. I caution you because I've been on AVEN for 6 years now (post count is spurious post-AVEN-downtime) and I've read so many sadness about disclosures to parents/friends that didn't go well.

[littleghost]

It's weird, isn't it? Thinking that 'WOW, this is ME!' when discovering this forum for the first time. It makes so much sense and like the missing puzzle piece finally falls into place. And you want to share it with everyone who you love so they can understand you better. I get that. Like - you're so happy and it's kind of positive for a change, knowing that what you feel has been defined and experienced by other people, too.

My one super-horny friend can't believe that I'm ace. It's annoying. How can someone deny what is a truth to us? She tells me to watch more porn. It makes no sense. That would be pointless as I'm not remotely interested in it. I'm not going to watch hours of golf and suddenly *want* to play. OY! I think she thinks I'm just stuck or something, but I know my own truth. So even the people you think will understand may not believe you. Don't be too offended. My friend was actually pouting about ME telling her I wasn't into sex. LOL. It affects her exactly ZERO percent, but she still somehow wanted me to want it.

The other thing to keep in mind is that people WILL, no doubt, speculate about your poor, poor husband. People naturally do that. So just be prepared that you aren't just sharing about yourself when you are married. It involves him, too, so unless you are willing to answer questions about what he's gonna do, or what he feels, then think about it carefully! This is the reason I don't disclose it to 99.9% of people.

[wyrdwyrm]

I like your story!

I guess the question is who you're sharing with and why - most of the time, we trust our friends for a reason, and we choose which friends to share information like this with because we trust that friendship. The only person I've had any bad reaction from was my mother, and we can't choose those. My friends have been pretty awesome.

On one hand, good friends shouldn't ask you to justify anything like this - on the other, there's no reason you have to justify yourself. Sexless or near-sexless marriages aren't unheard of - you just happen to be happy with yours. ;)

Remember, you are what you are - you're happy to be who you are - and they can't change that.

You don't have to defend yourself, just explain.

As for 'practical' advice, sometimes it helps to work out responses beforehand:

-"Are you sure you're asexual?" "Yes." (or, "As sure as I can be about anything in this wild and crazy world." or, "Are you sure that you're not asexual? Yes? Well, that's how sure I am too.")

-"Can you be asexual and still be married?" "Yes." (or, "Can you be sexual and still be single?" or, "I did mention it was a wild and crazy world, right? Anything can happen!")

-"Isn't that a betrayal of your husband/marriage/whatever?" "No." (or, "He knows, we're still happy with each other, and other than that it's really a matter of what works best for the two of us, isn't it?")

[MadRat]

I don´t think the fact you´re married disproves your asexuality but people are usually stupid and closed-minded and anything might disprove your asexuality in their eyes: you are virgin - you can´t be sure you´re asexual. You had sex and you didn´t enjoy it - you haven´t done it with the right person... and shitty stuff like this.

[Elderberry]

I'm also married and in a similar situation. I feel like I just can't tell people I'm ace--not necessarily because they wouldn't believe me, but because I worry what they would think about my husband (because real men don't give up intercourse).

My reaction has mostly been to just not tell anyone in real life. I have mentioned to some people that I've never had a crush, and told a close friend of many years that I'm ace, but that's it.

[Spectre/Ex/Machina]

, but because I worry what they would think about my husband (because real men don't give up intercourse).

Gotta love violent masculinity , so many bad examples of manhood thrown at young men.

[ranting ferret]

thanks!

i have over-shared about different things in the past, and while some were more okay than others, i still have learned to take my dear sweet time. as time passes with my new-found asexuality, i am able to come to grips with not telling people. but it still is something i want to share so badly, and educate people. and maybe it'll never happen...it guess that means the 2 in my life who do know will get to be recipients of all the information and new findings i come across.

i desire outlets!

[wyrdwyrm]

i desire outlets!

You'll find them, I promise! Just invite everyone over for a fancy dinner and make an announcement so awkward that no one has the guts to question you in front of everyone else. ;)

[ranting ferret]

holy crap!

that

is

the

best

idea!

for any potentially awkward announcements.

i like how you think, wyrdyrm. :)

[Ficulnean]

That is an awesome and awkward idea that only a certain type of person will do: those who can't manage other social situations or simply like having a fun time (I fit into both, so this is pure endorsement, not criticism).

Maybe simply having your husband back you on this though will solve the not being beleived bit?