block.vs.storm Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Lately I've been feeling very resentful about sex. I can't remember feeling this way when I started my relationship with my girlfriend, though I hadn't figured out the whole asexual thing at the time, so I think I put a lot pressure on myself to actually want sex when I was starting out my relationship with her. To me it just feels like a never ending cycle and if I do it, that's still not good enough, because my partner wants to talk about it after and wants me to be excited about it and wants me to do it again and more frequently. And that's where I feel the resentment, that when we have sex, that moment will never satisfy in the shadow of expectations for more. I guess, to better explain this feeling I've been having: It's like my partner is really into football. And I kinda get the rules and how to play, so I play it with her because I know it's really important to her. So we play, and she has fun, and I may even get a little excited during the game even though I don't completely understand what's going on as well as her. And then after the game, she wants to talk about it and watch more football. Then she wants to play again every day, and gets frustrated when we don't because it's really important to her, but to me it's exhausting to even mentally prepare for the game, especially when I have so many other things to be doing. I can't play football when I have chores and homework and work on my mind. But she's frustrated because we haven't played football in a month and to her functioning relationships spontaneously play football all the time and she can't stop thinking about the game. That's how I've been feeling. I do usually enjoy sex, but lately all I can think about during it is that it won't be enough, and we will have to do it again, and she expects it to happen all the time, and I have to be sexy and perform well even though I don't really have as great of a grasp on it as a sexual person would, so it feels mechanical to me. Then I feel bad that I only provide it once a month, but even the thought of having to do it next month exhausts me and makes me frustrated. I just hate constantly feeling like a bad partner. So even enjoying the sensations during sex doesn't happen for me anymore. I haven't talked to her about being asexual, and I understand this isn't going to change until I do, but I've been dealing with so much other stuff that dealing with the aftermath of coming out would be way too much for me to handle. Though I do want to tell her, because I think if she understood there would be less expectation and more communication. I don't blame her for any of this resentment I've been feeling. She doesn't force me or coerce me into sex, and I don't expect her to know how I'm feeling since I haven't told her. The resentment comes from myself and me feeling like I'm a bad partner for not fulfilling her needs. I'm not really looking for a solution, but really just wanted to vent and see if anybody else had similar feelings and what they did to handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
SuperHorace Posted October 23, 2014 Share Posted October 23, 2014 Be glad you're not repulsed UnU I can't even cope with the thought of it... Sexual activity is gross. I tried to imagine it just now, and... OnO Link to post Share on other sites
block.vs.storm Posted October 23, 2014 Author Share Posted October 23, 2014 I am grateful in the regards that I'm not repulsed by sex, I find it kind of icky, but I can handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Goober Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I was used sexually so I really regret having sex at all with my ex, but I felt like I didn't have a choice. But now that I've accepted and discovered my asexuality it feels so weird because I feel like I'd be told I was a liar or not asexual because I had sex. Even if it wasn't my choice to. I'm not sex repulsed but after that ordeal I'm not positive about sex either. I understand how you feel because my mom keeps telling me "well next time it won't be like that" and the idea of a 'next time' stresses me out because I don't want it. Also I haven't told her yet because I'm not sure what she would say about it ... so it is continuously frustrating for her to talk about future relationships/her idea of 'the one' and I'm so exhausted trying to hint that I'm not interested in sex at all that I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
leela_10V3 Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 I can definitely relate to your feelings, @block.vs.storm I'm very new to AVEN (like 2 days) but all the feelings and arguments you describe are exactly my experience. If we weren't having sex, we'd argue about it. But even when we did have sex, we would still fight about it because it wasn't meeting his expectations. And I had no f*ing idea what those expectations were. He has this look of total desire/lust in his eyes (for me) and it just creeps me out but I now finally understand why. I did "come out" to my husband about being asexual as soon as I realized it and it has taken A LOT (if not all) of the pressure off. It doesn't make sense to fight about sex anymore. Now we're looking for a way forward, knowing my needs and boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
passionatefriend61 Posted October 24, 2014 Share Posted October 24, 2014 Honestly, at some point, you're going to have to leave the relationship. Resentment is poison to any connection, and you shouldn't have to spend a long time in this situation. If you love your partner, fine, and if you click well on other levels, fine. But you're sexually incompatible. Period. You're happiest when you don't have to have sex, and they're happiest when they're having a lot of it, at least in comparison to what you're willing to do. You could tell them to stop all the extra stuff they're doing that bothers you and adjust their expectations about how you're going to feel toward sex, but the reality is, they do want what they want from you and you can neither naturally provide it nor comfortably pretend. Not forever, anyway. You definitely need to come out to them. Sooner rather than later. You should be with a partner who wants and is happy with a nonsexual relationship, if that's what you honestly want and prefer. That's the only way you're going to be happy and comfortable long-term. And you deserve to have what you want, not just what you can easily find. Link to post Share on other sites
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