Are you sneaky with coming out?

[Ziggy_G]

Maybe its because I'm a sneaky manipulative person in general, (its not as bad as it sounds) but I find myself coming up with I dunno what to call them slightly elaborate plans to come out?

[For instance I've grown very very close to friend A but she doesn't know I'm ace, friend B does. Friend A and B are friends with each other, but I'm closer with A and B then them with each other and because we all know each other from different places we've never hung out as a three. I want friend A to know, but I dont want to tell her. I don't want to make a big thing about it and I want her to understand that I didnt want to tell her up until now because I didnt want to ruin the fun of looking at hot people together and making bad jokes. Also because I don't want to come out to persons C and D who if I tell A I should also tell them.

So the plan is simple, next time I see be I go on about how close me and A are casually dropping that we tell each other everything, but not do it so intensely that it will interfere with my "well I didnt tell her that!" later.

Step 2, decide that "the three of us should totally hangout some time!" also person E, but thats just because B will be easier to get there if E is. Maybe all go to Pizza Hut.

Step 3, Lead the conversation in a way that will make B comment on my sexuality

Step 4, Turn red and sink into my chair as friend A is like "wait what?"

Step 5, say "person A didn't know that" in an embarrassed voice.

and done. Come out to a person without actually coming out to them. Plus now there gonna be sympathetic about it because they'll feel its something very personal to me and they'll wonder why I told B and not them thus giving me leverage to play with. ]

See this is the kinda thing I do, I was wondering if anybody else does the same? Cos I've noticed a lot of coming out threads but its always about the straight up telling people. Thoughts?

[Sinead Buckley]

I do the same thing, but I usually never have to set up the situation myself. My friends tease me about sex stuff and liking someone because my responses are always something entertaining to the affect of, "Me? Dating? Come on guys, I have the sexual appeal of a potato and a sex drive to match."

[Anonymously asexual]

Consider that I live in a liberal state.

Mostly they think I am either a woman or gay. Since my intelligence is about 5x100 of five of their 'members' of hate,

I keep a low profile these days. Cyberstalking is a real concern. So instead I stalked them. :)

[Gizamaluke]

Well I don't plan things out that complicatedly, but I have done the occasional 'left my laptop on AVEN by accident' or talked about asexuality in essays, presentations and at art exhibitions I often ask why there's gay/lesbian/trans but no asexual art.

[SuperHorace]

Nope. It's straight up.

"Don't you think X is cute?"

"Asexual, bro."

Of course, I guess people are cute (Maybe?), but really the only one I care to see is my sweet ^~^ She was designed by the Lord, an angel.

[ranting ferret]

maybe i'm too lazy for such complex plans. and/or i worry about what people would think, not necessarily of what they're being told, but how (one already knew, but not the other...but then it depends on how each person understands the closeness of the relationship between you and them).

my plans are more like a reconnaissance mission - vague discussions that will allow me to gauge how they would actually react to the information i would want to share. after that, i just spend a lot of time running scenarios through my head, how and what to say. then wait for an appropriate time/place or make an appropriate time/place.

of course sometimes, i come to the conclusion that they will probably never know whatever the information is, or will be an afterthought depending on how public i want said info to be.

[Breathing....]

maybe i'm too lazy for such complex plans. and/or i worry about what people would think, not necessarily of what they're being told, but how (one already knew, but not the other...but then it depends on how each person understands the closeness of the relationship between you and them).

my plans are more like a reconnaissance mission - vague discussions that will allow me to gauge how they would actually react to the information i would want to share. after that, i just spend a lot of time running scenarios through my head, how and what to say. then wait for an appropriate time/place or make an appropriate time/place.

of course sometimes, i come to the conclusion that they will probably never know whatever the information is, or will be an afterthought depending on how public i want said info to be.

I'm a bit like this, though I'm stil struggling with the appropriate time and place thing so I've pretty much gotten back to maybe I won't tell anyone.

I also have a situation like the Ziggy_G in that the only person I have actually told is a friend but not as close a friend as the one I keep avoiding telling. I think my sneakiness is, unintentionally, going for the 'inception' route, eventually people might ask me and then I can react in whatever manner I feel necessary at the time. :/

Inception route is that I've been more blunt about my thoughts on certain things, where in the past I would have just agreed.... The amount of people I have agreed are 'cute' 'hot' or 'sexy' without knowing what any of those words means is frightening. So now I just say that I don't see it. (simplified explanation) :)

[Star Inkbright]

I've come out twice to offline people, and what I did was ask if they knew what an asexual person was (if I say 'an asexual person' it sounds like 'an asexual person' whereas if I say 'asexuality' it could sound like 'a sexuality' so I prefer to say 'an asexual person'), and they said no (the curse of a minority sexuality :P), and then I explained it, and finished up with the sentence "And I think I might be asexual" (the 'I think' giving me the opportunity to go back on my coming-out if I change my mind later).

I think it's less awkward to just say it than it is if it just kind of comes out sneakily . . . that would be more emotionally scary for me than for me to just tell them, for some reason.
Also, the two times I've done it, prior to doing it, I thought "Hey, this is a good coming-out opportunity", and then once I'd acknowledged it the nerves set it and I started slowly dying of anxiety, so I thought that if I just came out then it would make the anxiety go away so I might as well get it over with. :P If I carried on waiting, I'd just have to suffer a ton of anixety, so . . .

Of course, the thing to be anxious about NOW is if I change my mind, because what I DON'T want to be doing is saying "Hang on, I've got it all wrong, I'm straight after all, ignore me", which is why I put the "I think" in there, to make it easier if I do change my mind . . .

So in conclusion, I'm kind blunt and obvious with my coming-out, but I do think about it enough to adjust my phrasing to suit my purposes. :P

[Artistofnoname]

I make no secret of my asexuality but a lot of the times I just say "I'm like Sherlock Holmes".

[Twilanthe]

After I joined AVEN the other night, I wrote a blog about asexuality and linked it to facebook. I avoided the in person coming out, and am also pretty sure that only family and close friends will bother to read it. The results were surprising, most of my closest family and friends commented with positive responses calling me brave for admitting it.

Now I just need to figure out how to tell people face to face if it ever comes up, but since it rarely does I don't worry too much.

[butterflydreams]

I'm too old (mid 20s) to beat around the bush with stuff like this, and I don't have much to lose in most cases. If I'm feeling like having a bit of fun, I might be sneaky or funny about it. I'm reminded of the conversation I had with my sister:

("S" is her boyfriend)

me: Hey, do you know what today is?

sis: No

me: Would you like to know?

sis: No

me: Why are you such a poop? It's national coming-out day :P

sis: Oh I'm so excited!

me: You should be, because I'm gay

sis: OK.

sis: Happy coming out day

me: I'm just kidding, I'm not gay. Although S is pretty cute.

me: Butt seriously though, I am actually asexual. Figured I should tell you because I told <brother>. Yay!

me: so...you know...S is safe :P

sis: Oh good

My sister is great :)

[LeeBree]

Wow, geeze xD I don't do that at all. I just drop hints about my orientation until I feel like flat out saying it. Oh, I did that with my parents and they weren't very accepting of my asexuality so now I just casually mention it whenever they're around to piss them off :D

Subtle I'm not x3

[AceInhibitor]

I guess I was inadvertently coming out to my friends before I used the label asexual. Basically all my pals know I just plan on being a cat lady (quite literally. I adore cats), and even before I realised I was ace I was like 'Eh, I just don't like anyone enough to have sex with them' so pretty much all of them know I'm a virgin as well. So they basically know. I've kind of put the idea to one of my friends that she might be asexual, and I was kinda wondering out loud at the same time if I was, but because I hadn't differentiated between romantic and sexual attraction we both just brushed it off and assumed I wasn't. But since I've realised I've kind of been relentlessly hinting it to my housemates until I feel ready to properly tell them. They won't be surprised, it's just a matter of explaining that even though I have crushes on people, it's not in a sexual way.

And I've kind of hinted at it on tumblr so any of my friends who follow me on there have probably twigged by now.

[Cassara]

Well, I told my one friend and although I'd hoped she wouldn't tell anyone else initially, I'm kind of glad she did. She's a complete gossip (well not really gossip, but she like to tell you anything she knows about anyone else. Well-meaning, really. She only tells people she trusts. Just sometimes she trusts too many people).

So basically I actually told my sister and two best friends, and my talkative best friend went through the trouble of somehow telling everybody else I'm ace. I didn't even really know about this until one time we were hanging out in a group and one of my friends whom I HADN'T told I was ace brought it up, and no one else seemed fazed. So I was like "Does EVERYBODY here know?" and they were like "well, yeah".

Like it just sort of comes up in conversations occasionally with people I was NOT aware knew and then suddenly it appears they DO know so I'm just like oooookay, guess that's one thing I don't have to worry about saying ...

So while I'm not "out of the closet" by any means, most of the people around me know. Including my friend's boyfriend before I was even well-acquainted with him.

So that's one technique ;)

[Sakurastar]

I just say I am like Barbie. No bits, just moulded plastic.

[Angeliss]

I told a few people. And then I just got annoyed at having to tell people one at a time, and I just posted my cover photo on Facebook as the asexual flag with the words, "Hey everyone, I'm asexual" on it. So far, it's been positive. But I think I'm going to bed before I freak out about what people are and are not saying about me. It's out of my hands now.

[Truth and Lies]

I leave the subtle manipulations for different things. Or did. When I actually interacted with people on a daily basis. Meh.

I have only beaten around the bush once when mentioning my sexuality. The rest of the time, so long as none of my family is around, if the conversation pertains to sexuality or a related manner, I simply casually drop in that I'm asexual. And then casually explain it if they don't know what that is. And move on with my life. Because if it's not someone in my family, I do not feel it is a big deal to tell them. To me it's just like mentioning that I enjoy romance anime or dislike Star Wars or that I have seven ear piercings. It is a simple fact about me.

That one aforementioned time where I beat around the bush with a person about my sexuality was because they had expressed "interest" in me some years earlier. I asked them to look up AVEN at the time, but they never did, so when the topic came up a year or two later (when they had a significant other), and they were pressing me saying they were worried because I had no interest in relationships, I finally just spit it out and acted casual about it afterwards.

[LuckyOptimist]

I don't think I'd really tell people or set up elaborate plans, but considering how most of my conversations with my friends go, I might as well have been dropping hints.

My only boyfriend ended up being gay so nothing ever happened. I've always made mention that I want a purely romantic relationship. Etc, etc.

[aka]

up until now I have just dropped hints and then eventually said "do you want to know a secret about me?" to friends I trust

then I would explain I have to get to know someone really well before I develop any feelings towards them which is why I find it hard to start relationships... then I say it is called Demiromantic or Demisexual (depending on exatly what I have told them so far)

after that I say "do you want to know another secret?" and laugh as if I have lots more secrets... then I say "I'm also bisexual" and then I have to explain a little how that relates to being demisexual

they seem to have maybe one or two questions then they have just accepted me and moved on to other topics

I do later joke and say "do you want to know another secret about me?" then I say "no no haha I'm only joking"

The next time I tell someone I'm planning on not telling that person it is a secret... and not saying to keep it secret... as I actually want more people to find out without me having to tell them directly

[AWF]

I tend to think that if someone really cares to know they'll ask. It's not really that I think it's no one's business, but that I put a lot of stock in the diffusion of information. If you end up telling just a few of your friends that information will spread until, sooner or later, it's just common knowledge about you.

I think our approaches are the same, Ziggy_G, simply that yours is engineered for a far more accelerated effect. Good luck, I'm sure your friends will support you and be glad you told them!

[Member4445]

I'm not.

I did an interview on asexuality for the newspaper my parents read complete with photo.

If that had been printed, it would have been the best come out ever.

[Fire & Rain]

lol a bit. I bring up discussions about sexuality whenever I can and sneak in about asexuality here and there. Let them discuss about it and if their reactions were positive, I would come out at one point if I felt like it.

[Xavy]

I could see myself doing something like this, but I am not sure I can pull it off, I am just not sneaky enough, lol.

[Vector]

I'm the least sneaky person, ever. The first time I came out to friends I may or may not have been drunk and may or may not have practically yelled it when I got sick of them quizzing me on who I found hot in the party.

I've tried to be subtle other times and joke that I'm like an amoeba whenever the topic of sexuality comes up, but people are bad at understanding what I mean so I wind up just spelling it out and doing impromptu Asexuality 101.

[aceinthewest]

I've corrected a couple of people who've assumed I was gay in the past, and explained to them what asexuality is.

There's only been a few people where I've actually announced it, but when I do, I try and make the explanation clear so they can better understand.

She's too young to understand it properly, but I've been thinking about teaching my three year old niece to say she has an 'ace aunt"