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I feel as an asexual that considering relationships is selfish and I don't have the right to reveal my feelings...


CasperFriendlyGhost

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CasperFriendlyGhost

I believe I am a hetero-romantic asexual, and feel like I deserve to be doomed to spend the rest of my life alone, which I'd normally be fine with because I don't actually WANT a relationship...well, I don't WANT TO WANT a relationship, but I'm falling for one of my best mates...and I just want to be with him, be close to him.

First of all, how do you even express your feelings to someone knowing that even if they felt the same way you're going to have to tell them or remind them that physically your relationship won't go any further than hugging and hand-holding?

All my mates (about 30 males (I'm a tomboy and don't really get along with females)) know I'm asexual, but think what I used to believe, that I was an aromantic asexual. This made everything easy as my mates never tried anything and nothing ever got awkward, it was just the way I wanted it. But for probably almost a year I've been falling for one of my best mates, and with our last day of year 12 being yesterday, I don't even know how I'm coping with no longer having an obligation to see him. On one hand I'm glad, because I can try my hardest to forget about him, but also I was enjoying hanging out with him in school just as mates to because he's awesome to be around. I mean it's not like I want a relationship anyway, I don't even know what I want. All I know is that I really do love him, and I know that with a lack of sexual attraction, an asexual's emotional attraction increases. But I just don't know what to do. There is something appealing to me about keeping it to myself, but I don't understand why or how, as it's making me miserable. And no one in my group ever hangs out one on one after school/weekends, it's always in groups which I enjoy but when we're outside of school is when he acts so sweet and I just want to blurt everything out and hug him or just lay down with him.

Just as an example at 18ths when it's getting late/early in the morning and we go lie down on a hammock and I lay on him, or when I'm on a single-seated couch and he comes and moves me over so we could both sit there, and it feels like he wants what I do, but I'm scared it's just me wishful thinking.

Even if I do tell him, and he feels the same, I'm thinking long term (I honestly think I'm more mature with everything I've been through, and that this isn't just a teenage fling), I'd be asking him in the long run to never have sex. I feel like I'd easily be able to tolerate kissing to make him happy, and I hate myself for this but in the long run I think I'd even have sex just to make him happy...That's how strongly I feel for him.

I don't know what I'm asking or what I'm thinking but I need help...

Sorry for wasting your time

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People (including you) have every right to feel how they do toward others and to be able to express those feelings. That just comes along with the caveat that people have every right to be accepting or rejecting of those feelings as well.

Despite being someone who's ace and sex-repulsed to the point where it's not something I would likely be able to compromise on to the extent that most sexual people would probably like, I still get those occasional romantic feels and I'm not shy about expressing them when they do happen (once I am sure they are happening, that is). The main thing is that I just try to leave all my cards on the table eventually, including the bit that I am not a "sexual" person and that they will have to look elsewhere (meaning, not get into a relationship with me) if that is something they will expect.

Relationships are a two-way street. It's not really good for one person to decide for the other one what they would like to have in their relationships. There isn't any relationship where one person gets absolutely 100% of everything that they want, but each person's tolerance is different. Instead of feeling like your asexuality is an ultimate dealbreaker to anyone and everyone, try letting the other person decide for themselves whether or not you're someone worth pursuing. Presumably, the other person is going to be an adult, like you presumably are. Assuming there is some degree of mutual romantic interest, they deserve the right to choose rather than have their choices made for them.

tl;dr version: Have a talk with the guy about all this. Maybe he's perfectly okay with the idea of a relationship that never results in sex. You don't know that! But he deserves the chance to decide rather than you just assuming for him that he wouldn't be okay with it.

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Sinead Buckley

Find a reason to see him again? It's not like you immediately have to confess to him, plus you won't know how things will go unless you try first. Obviously dating is a little more difficult for the ace community, but don't let that become an excuse to stop you from finding someone you really like. My parents actually went to high school together in entirely different social circles so they hardly knew each other, but a couple years later they met by chance and became friends, started dating, and eventually got married. If it was possible for them to meet again then it should be much easier for you to find opportunities to see him since he was in your friend group. Good luck!

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This is definitely a confusing post. You want a relationship, but then you don't want a relationship. You go from "how do I tell him we'll never have sex" to "I'd be willing to compromise on sex" within one paragraph.

If you lack the introspection to figure out what you want, your other option is to learn by doing. Tell him how you feel, pursue whatever relationship you do or don't want with him at any given time and see how it goes. It's unlikely to go anywhere in the long term, but you'll hopefully at least learn about yourself in the process.

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This is definitely a confusing post. You want a relationship, but then you don't want a relationship. You go from "how do I tell him we'll never have sex" to "I'd be willing to compromise on sex" within one paragraph.

Internal emotional conflict (not specifically about this guy, but about her asexuality and how it is influencing her moral compass) is a nice breeding ground for confusion along those sorts of lines :/

I think that once the OP can get around that conflict and realize that it's Totally Okay for asexuals to feel and to express the sorts of things that she has, things will become a lot more clear-cut.

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I would keep him as a friend if I were in your situation. There´s no way how I could compromise in sex and I would feel horrible for forcing him to give up sex completelly. I wouldn´t tell him anything and just hoped my crazy-love feelings will fade away with time.

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CasperFriendlyGhost

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I know I'm a jumbled mess and I contradict myself left right and centre.

I never thought about the whole 'giving him the respect to decide for himself whether he wants to try a relationship with an asexual or not' before.

But I do also hope to just wait it out and hope this feeling goes away or that since school's out I can hope I'll stop seeing him and forget about him or convince myself I missed my chance...I know it sounds weird but that's what I want to happen. I want these romantic feelings to go away. I like just being mates and it's simpler. Even if we were 'together' I wouldn't want anything to change from how we are now, so why even bring it up, right?

Thanks again everyone

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