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No Pleasure During Sex


spirituareborn

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spirituareborn

I literally cannot find the answers to this question, and I've been searching ever since I became sexually active, so I'm sorry if this is already posted here; I just can't find it.

I found out about a month and a half ago that when I masturbate/have sex, I don't feel anything. I feel the pressure of my boyfriend's penis in me, and I feel pain when it's not working. But that's it. But I can't feel any pleasure from attempting to stimulate the clitoris, and it just feels kind of weird when my boyfriend actually has sex with me. Fingering and oral sex don't work, either.

I still get wet and physically aroused; the physical parts of this still function well (I think). I get "aroused" by stuff like making out and oral sex, even though I don't actually get anything out of it and it's simply a boring and slightly disgusting experience for me.

I don't have a libido, and I'm demiromantic and asexual. I've tried to figure out why I can't feel pleasure from sex, and all of the research I've done has yielded me with results like "get more aroused," which I can't do since I have never felt aroused; "use the clitoris," which doesn't work because trying to stimulate my clitoris just results in it feeling like it was rubbed raw; and pages upon pages of how to achieve orgasm, which is the least of my problems at the moment if I can't even feel anything.

Basically, I have no idea why I can't feel pleasure, and all of the answers the Internet has provided me has been from an allosexual perspective, which I can't identify with or which don't apply to me (i.e. arousal). Is there someone here who can help? I'd really appreciate any answers because I don't know what to do... I feel defective, and it's causing so much stress within my relationship, and I just don't know what to do...

Thank you in advance for any responses on this thread.

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heyhey :cake: Welcome to AVEN

Are you asking how to enjoy sex?

There's nothing anyone or you can do to make you enjoy sex. I think it's just something that's beyond our control... I mean, there are things you can do to prevent pain and things you can do to perhaps improve your comfort with it, but nothing that will make you experience pleasure.

You aren't broken or defective. You are normal, there are many many people who can relate to your experience!

Can I ask you some questions about the stress you are experiencing in your relationship, the stress that you feel is being caused by your lack of sexual pleasure during sex?

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There's nothing anyone or you can do to make you enjoy sex. I think it's just something that's beyond our control... I mean, there are things you can do to prevent pain and things you can do to perhaps improve your comfort with it, but nothing that will make you experience pleasure.

When you say "you", are you referring to OP specifically or generalising? Because I can assure you, there are loads of ways sexually-active people make intercourse enjoyable and more pleasurable for themselves and/or their partner.

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I have/had the same problem. But it even hurts. It actually hurts being touched down there unless it is very, very gently.

As for whole experience - try to think about it as something else. Like visiting a dentist.

You want to feel warm, safe, comfortable, cared about, loved and in control. it is your own body which is being touched. That is very private and intimate, no matter if it's sex/massage/dentist/ gynecologist or something of the sort.

So i would say to start from there. Get the atmosphere right. Feel like you enjoy the stuff which happens before and after the actual intercourse.

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I don't know, OP. I don't have a libido, so my experience is pretty limited, but I did find that there were things I could do with my husband made the process more comfortable (eg. sufficient lubrication), but nothing made me like it. I can get physically aroused and reach climax (so I can 'feel something'), but it's not that great. We tried pretty much everything, but none of it worked.

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There's nothing anyone or you can do to make you enjoy sex. I think it's just something that's beyond our control... I mean, there are things you can do to prevent pain and things you can do to perhaps improve your comfort with it, but nothing that will make you experience pleasure.

When you say "you", are you referring to OP specifically or generalising? Because I can assure you, there are loads of ways sexually-active people make intercourse enjoyable and more pleasurable for themselves and/or their partner.

Yes, more pleasurable. But if you don't enjoy sex, you don't enjoy sex. Some people just don't enjoy sex, and I don't think we can control it. Often, ways to increase pleasure is more lubricant, using toys or other means of increasing stimuli, playing out fantasies, having a glass of wine to lower inhibition (if safely)... I guess we can brain storm these ideas, but I think it's more important to acknowledge nobody is broken if they don't enjoy sex; it's normal not to enjoy it, just like it's normal to enjoy it. OP sounded really upset about it, as if they were defective.

I think I just worded my post wrong, though. I'm sleepy, apologies :3

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apokalyptisch

Basically, I agree with Salogma, in that it's wonderful to be the way you are. I feel like at some point I have read of women just not being able to derive pleasure from sex, and sometimes it's due to something medical. I don't want to freak you out or suggest that that's always the case, but if you think it's a possibility, run it by a doctor for some more ideas.

If you want some random ideas from me of things to try...

I do know that lubrication is often a huge problem. If you're not feeling anything or it's always ouchy, try more lube. Glycerin-free preferably. Sliquid is good (but kinda expensive, but they have flavors too so um). It will seem like a lot that you need, but I like to think of it like sunblock. Slather it on, and reapply as time goes on.

Another idea if you're not feeling anything is you might have a really tough or not super sensitive clit - maybe it's fully covered by its hood, etc. You might need something stronger. Vibrations. And lube. If it feels like it's raw, there's not enough lube, and the more you touch it, the more the lube rubs off, so it gets to be complicated. Too, then you have to balance not getting it too slick because you need a little bit of friction for pleasure. Also, if you have friction and a little bit of lube, you can get to where you're actually creating heat, which can be painful if you suddenly become sensitive.

Maybe there's another untapped thing that needs to be figured out - like, I must have someone whisper in my ear/nibble on my earlobes or play with my boobs or I am just not into anything. I cannot get properly aroused if these things don't happen. Brainstorm and see if you can think of what some things for you might be...

But most commonly, girls don't enjoy PIV sex if their clitty isn't happy. So that's where I'd start.

But - here's another thing you may not have heard of - at first, don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm or even trying to achieve pleasure. Just kind of zone out, meditate, whatever, and screw around. Just let your mind wander, poke around, see what you find. Pretend you have no idea what anything is and you have no idea what feels good or bad. Try whatever comes to mind. If something feels good (even just something simple, like "huh, this isn't awful", not necessarily over-the-moon joy feelings), see how good it can feel if you do it more. If something feels bad, how bad can it feel? Map it out in your mind. That awareness is key, because most people are not formulaic and predictable, and what works for me may not work for you.

I do wish you luck and happiness. <3

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Sinead Buckley

If this is really worrying you then perhaps you should get yourself checked out by a doctor just to verify that there's nothing wrong. Make sure to let them know you're asexual just to cover all the bases. Good luck!

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spirituareborn

First--I didn't think I'd get so many replies so quickly, so thank you very much!!

heyhey :cake: Welcome to AVEN

Are you asking how to enjoy sex?

There's nothing anyone or you can do to make you enjoy sex. I think it's just something that's beyond our control... I mean, there are things you can do to prevent pain and things you can do to perhaps improve your comfort with it, but nothing that will make you experience pleasure.

You aren't broken or defective. You are normal, there are many many people who can relate to your experience!

Can I ask you some questions about the stress you are experiencing in your relationship, the stress that you feel is being caused by your lack of sexual pleasure during sex?

There's been a lot of stress on my boyfriend's part. He feels, even though he knows this is all my "doing" and he's not causing anything, that he's not doing enough and that he's just "using" me to satiate his own desires, and he feels that he's not really thinking about mine when he wants ti have sex because he knows I have no need or even want to have sex.

Another stress is mostly on his part, but it causes me the most stress: because I don't enjoy it or feel anything, I end up just kind of...lying there, and I look lifeless, and he doesn't like it. He's asked me before if I could "do something" to seem more enthusiastic, and while that sounds really selfish--and I kind of agree--I do understand because he could probably be having sex with a grapefruit and he'd get more reaction than I give.

How we do it now, we just kind of make out for the whole time so I can distract him from thinking about how I'm not actually enthusiastic about it and how I'm bored out of my mind and slightly grossed out by his spit (I'm disgusted by body fluids and always have, especially spit and semen), and I know I can't keep just doing this forever, especially because he wants to try out more positions and some of them aren't optimal for kissing. So it's stressful for me to make it seem like I'm more than a corpse he's doing.

I've tried to prompt him to tell me what he likes so that I can make him happy (because even though I'm not getting anything out of sex, I find it worth it to do it because he loves it), and last night we had the conversation again. He unexpectedly told me--which finally prompted me to ask AVEN--that his biggest "sex fantasy" was for me to feel what he feels, and I didn't know how to respond. He feels terrible that I don't "get anything" out of the act, and though I try to reassure him that it's okay, I'm happy enough just seeing you enjoy it, it's not comforting to him because he wants me to reciprocate; he doesn't want to just take and take without me getting anything but mild satisfaction that he's happy.

And honestly, I was really disappointed when I found out that I couldn't feel anything. I had been scared to masturbate for so long because I didn't want to confirm my suspicions that I couldn't feel anything. I'd made excuses for myself when he fingered me the first time and I hadn't even realized he was inside me. When we finally decided to have sex, I told him that I probably wouldn't feel anything, and he was still hopeful that I would find the actual act pleasurable, maybe if we tried hard enough, but it wasn't there.

He obviously wants me to feel pleasure more than I want to feel it, but it's still really disappointing to me that I can't feel anything. And it pisses me off that my body responds in natural ways (discharge, expanding vagina, etc.) but I can't feel any of it. I don't know why I'm wet; I don't know if he's fingering me or if he's just removed his hand from my crotch. And it makes everything so much worse than it has to be, and it's just very stressful, especially when he's as horny as he is.

I have/had the same problem. But it even hurts. It actually hurts being touched down there unless it is very, very gently.

As for whole experience - try to think about it as something else. Like visiting a dentist.

You want to feel warm, safe, comfortable, cared about, loved and in control. it is your own body which is being touched. That is very private and intimate, no matter if it's sex/massage/dentist/ gynecologist or something of the sort.

So i would say to start from there. Get the atmosphere right. Feel like you enjoy the stuff which happens before and after the actual intercourse.

Do you have suggestions for how to do this? I've tried stuff like music, dimming the lights, tons of foreplay, and this thing that my boyfriend does that's like lightly tickling my skin with a finger or two (it's the closest to what I assume pleasure feels like, and I really enjoy it). Because I'm still having this problem, that's obviously not working, so I was wondering how you would suggest reaching the warm and safe place in my mind.

Mostly what I feel during sex is boredom, impatience (if it goes for too long), a little bit grossed out (if I think about it too much, but I have plenty of time to think when I'm not experiencing anything else), and the occasional pain in the beginning which we quickly correct so that I instead feel nothing but a weird sliding feeling and a little "click" noise which neither of us are sure about.

I don't know, OP. I don't have a libido, so my experience is pretty limited, but I did find that there were things I could do with my husband made the process more comfortable (eg. sufficient lubrication), but nothing made me like it. I can get physically aroused and reach climax (so I can 'feel something'), but it's not that great. We tried pretty much everything, but none of it worked.

If you're comfortable with me asking, how did you get to reach climax? Really, I don't care how strong the feeling is. I just want something. I just want to be able to tell my boyfriend I was able to feel anything, even if it was a minor feeling. So if you have any tips on how to reach climax, I'd really love to hear them.

...

I do know that lubrication is often a huge problem. If you're not feeling anything or it's always ouchy, try more lube. Glycerin-free preferably. Sliquid is good (but kinda expensive, but they have flavors too so um). It will seem like a lot that you need, but I like to think of it like sunblock. Slather it on, and reapply as time goes on.

...

Another idea if you're not feeling anything is you might have a really tough or not super sensitive clit - maybe it's fully covered by its hood, etc. You might need something stronger. Vibrations. And lube. If it feels like it's raw, there's not enough lube, and the more you touch it, the more the lube rubs off, so it gets to be complicated. Too, then you have to balance not getting it too slick because you need a little bit of friction for pleasure. Also, if you have friction and a little bit of lube, you can get to where you're actually creating heat, which can be painful if you suddenly become sensitive.

...

Maybe there's another untapped thing that needs to be figured out - like, I must have someone whisper in my ear/nibble on my earlobes or play with my boobs or I am just not into anything. I cannot get properly aroused if these things don't happen. Brainstorm and see if you can think of what some things for you might be...

...

But - here's another thing you may not have heard of - at first, don't focus on trying to achieve orgasm or even trying to achieve pleasure. Just kind of zone out, meditate, whatever, and screw around. Just let your mind wander, poke around, see what you find. Pretend you have no idea what anything is and you have no idea what feels good or bad. Try whatever comes to mind. If something feels good (even just something simple, like "huh, this isn't awful", not necessarily over-the-moon joy feelings), see how good it can feel if you do it more. If something feels bad, how bad can it feel? Map it out in your mind. That awareness is key, because most people are not formulaic and predictable, and what works for me may not work for you.

Sorry I cut so much out of your post; I just picked the stuff that needed my input.

I don't think it's a problem with lube. I know it was at first, but we use so much now just so I'm not in a state of constant pain. Now there's just a weird slick feeling while we do it, and every time I feel discomfort, we add more. But adding more has never increased pleasure. It's just a constant state of nothing.

Is there a way to determine what's going on with my clit (AKA is it visible and recognizable)? I would try it myself, but my boyfriend keeps the lube with him at his college, so we'd have to go for trial and error at some point when I see him next. My experiences with my clit is that it feels like nothing, but as it progresses, it feels raw and numb, like if you rubbed apart of your arm for about ten minutes straight.

You say the other person has to do something to trigger it, but do you have to be able to feel it or get something out of it? What I mean to say is that when my boyfriend touches my boobs, they feel like every other part of my skin. And he's tried kissing my neck, but I don't feel anything different than if he were kissing my cheek. Really, nothing he does makes me feel anything, except, perhaps, the weird one-finger light tickle thing I mentioned above. So do I need to be able to feel something from this extra something, or will it work either way?

That sounds completely useful, the meditation thing. I've never been able to meditate, even when I sit for thirty minutes, trying to clear my mind. I don't know how to get rid of my ever-present wandering mind, and it's ALWAYS active. Do you have suggestions? I;m sorry to keep asking so much; I'm just very inexperienced and have no idea how to go about these things.

If this is really worrying you then perhaps you should get yourself checked out by a doctor just to verify that there's nothing wrong. Make sure to let them know you're asexual just to cover all the bases. Good luck!

I've tried asking a doctor off-handedly while I was at a doctor's appointment, and all she would say on the matter is that I haven't tried hard enough, that I should give it time, and that some people don't feel anything when they first start. She wouldn't let me explain my position fully, so I'm waiting for a chance to go see a doctor again, but I don't know when that will be. I don't want my mom knowing that I'm sexually active because she's "fine with whatever I do as long as she knows nothing about it", and I don't even know how to ask to see a gynecologist because apparently you're not supposed to start seeing those until you're twenty-one (as the previous doctor said).

Do you have any suggestions for making an appointment? There's a Planned Parenthood near my college, but I don't know how they charge or if I need to use my insurance card.... and I don't have the money, really, to pay for any kind of appointment on my own, so I would need my mom's approval and money to pay for a visit.

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WünderBâhr

Moved to The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

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OP - Do you enjoy anything like kissing, touching, running your hands over his back/skin, him running his over yours, etc? I get NOTHING out of genital stimulation. NOTHING out of masturbation. It's like ... OK, yes, I can feel someone is touching skin there. And if it's a bad angle, I can feel pain. But, the pleasure just never happens. So, the only way I can "be more enthusiastic" at all is if I kind of mentally focus on just the parts I do like (kissing and gently running my hands over his skin, him touching my face/neck) and ignore the below the waist stuff going on. Else, I just lay there looking totally bored and staring out a window while I run song lyrics through my head. I've seen other people describe making it more of a game, so it's fun and they can laugh during. There are a lot of ways to kind of play around with it being slightly less boring without it being physically pleasurable.

TMI TMI TMI:

People pushed me to masturbate. Nothing beyond "Ok... why do people do this?". So they sent me links to "guides" on how to do it. Again "Why do people do this?" ... and I gave up. So, sex, tried all sorts of stuff and pretty much the same "what is the big deal?". And I have had sex thousands of times, all sorts of positions, BDSM/kinks involved or not (cause, nothing vanilla worked, I figured why not try non-vanilla), toys involved or not, various sizes, widths, circumcised or not, etc. Just no. Nothing. Guys have spent hours trying to find a way to give me oral sex that I like, nope. Literally, you may as well be poking my tongue or my nose or something. It's just not physically pleasurable to some people. And believe me, I have tried to make it so. Because I was told I SHOULD like it, I just needed to find out how *I* liked it. And ya know what? I had no interest in any of it and probably would have been happier not pushing myself about it.

If you want to see a doctor to make sure there is nothing medically wrong, then tell your mom you are having feminine issues and need to see a gyno. There are a lot of reasons for seeing one beyond the post-21 exams and sexual activity. You could get an infection, you could have menstrual issues, you could have hormone imbalances, etc etc. You can give her any of myriad of reasons if she wants details and you don't want to tell her. I had to see a gyno when I was 17 because of a cyst on my ovaries.

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apokalyptisch

Do you have suggestions for how to do this? I've tried stuff like music, dimming the lights, tons of foreplay, and this thing that my boyfriend does that's like lightly tickling my skin with a finger or two (it's the closest to what I assume pleasure feels like, and I really enjoy it). Because I'm still having this problem, that's obviously not working, so I was wondering how you would suggest reaching the warm and safe place in my mind.

That's the thing - it's what's warm and safe to you. That's why I think trying some of this alone could be helpful. Without the pressure to "perform" for someone else, and just thinking about yourself and chillaxing, understanding you - you can learn a lot. So, what is comfortable to you? If you spend a totally comfortable day alone, what does that mean? It doesn't mean 10 blankets and a movie and hot tea for everyone, but it could. I find that the lazy-day atmosphere can be a lot easier to work with than the sex-room or super-romantic atmosphere.

Mostly what I feel during sex is boredom, impatience (if it goes for too long), a little bit grossed out (if I think about it too much, but I have plenty of time to think when I'm not experiencing anything else), and the occasional pain in the beginning which we quickly correct so that I instead feel nothing but a weird sliding feeling and a little "click" noise which neither of us are sure about.

If you do go to a doctor, I would mention that bit.

This is also what I'd explore. What exactly hurts? Why does it hurt? Why does it stop hurting?

The best way I can describe what "on the right track" feels like is between a tickle and a scratch. Basically you're playing with nerves. (The clit is just a big ball of nerves). So, if it's too light, you'll be tickly, if it's too hard, it's going to be painful. You're shooting for right in between, which can just be like touching anything else, yeah.

But try this. Try just rubbing your arm. Take like two fingers and just rub in a circle in some spot on your arm. At first it'll feel like nothing. Normal, everyday arm. If you're rubbing too light, it'll tickle. Push a little more firmly. But not so hard that your skin actually dents down at all. Now do that for a while.

It'll probably feel like nothing mostly, but you might start noticing subtle changes in the way it feels. You might not realize exactly where your fingers are at in the circular pattern. You might still feel a sensation from a moment ago. It might start feeling like the sensation is building. Yeah, this can happen anywhere, just the feeling of nerves being stimulated.

Now move your fingers to somewhere more sensitive, like your wrist or the inside of your elbow. See how different that feels to your skin. Those places have more feeling. If you're ticklish, try those spots. Those spots are especially sensitive.

If you're comfortable with me asking, how did you get to reach climax? Really, I don't care how strong the feeling is. I just want something. I just want to be able to tell my boyfriend I was able to feel anything, even if it was a minor feeling. So if you have any tips on how to reach climax, I'd really love to hear them.

What I just described above is essentially what works for many people. You find a sensitive area and either let the sensation keep building and building - and then there's this sensory overload, which you will know when you get there.

If you find that the sensitivity is painful or difficult to work straight through (as it often can be), another option is edging. The best way I can describe this is like preventing a ticklish feeling. So, find a ticklish spot. Try doing something that would normally tickle, but stop right before you feel it. Then do it again. Stop right before you feel the tickle. Keep doing that, and eventually, it builds and builds. Then push past it, and allow yourself to feel the tickle. (It can be difficult to master, but it helps with sensitivity)

Is there a way to determine what's going on with my clit (AKA is it visible and recognizable)? I would try it myself, but my boyfriend keeps the lube with him at his college, so we'd have to go for trial and error at some point when I see him next. My experiences with my clit is that it feels like nothing, but as it progresses, it feels raw and numb, like if you rubbed apart of your arm for about ten minutes straight.

It can be visible, but it's hard for you to watch it, probably. All you'd see is it getting a little bit bigger and more filled with blood (so it might turn more red, or purple, or pink). Sometimes you can feel the difference. Sometimes it'll stay about the same. Many women get wetter (but not around the clit, it's in the vagina proper, so you have to scoop it out of there)

They sell lube at basically every drugstore I've ever been in, and many women use it to help tampons go in, so nobody is going to give you crap about it. I'd say look for glycerin-free, but many drugstores don't carry it. Some will be stickier than others, which if you're having issues with sliding around might actually be good.

As for the raw and numb thing, it could be not enough lube or it could be too much too fast. Try just barely touching it. Seriously, like, petting a baby bird pressure. Just the lightest, softest poke. Like, close one eye and press on your eyeball gently. You want the pressure where you can feel it, but it's just barely affecting your eyeball. Find that pressure where you can feel it but it's not uncomfortable. Try that pressure. Just very gently stroke it, very gently poke it. You may not feel anything or it may be the key to it all.

I've found that women are either crazy sensitive and they go into shock almost with too much too soon, they're pretty average and can feel most things, or they are "shielded" and need to bring out the big guns (wand vibrators) to feel anything. It's actually really common for women to have never had an orgasm or never felt pleasure in their life, but read reviews for wand vibrators and it's like "yep, that did it".

You say the other person has to do something to trigger it, but do you have to be able to feel it or get something out of it? What I mean to say is that when my boyfriend touches my boobs, they feel like every other part of my skin. And he's tried kissing my neck, but I don't feel anything different than if he were kissing my cheek. Really, nothing he does makes me feel anything, except, perhaps, the weird one-finger light tickle thing I mentioned above. So do I need to be able to feel something from this extra something, or will it work either way?

If it's a thing that gets you going, it will often trigger you right away. Basically, they're turn-ons. Some people have physical turn-ons that need to happen before the rest of them can be turned on. Like actually putting the key in the ignition before you start the car. Some people have other ones, like, they need to see a certain thing or smell a certain thing. Not everyone, and it's not like that has to happen every time or anything, but it helps an experience go from "eh" to "OH"

That sounds completely useful, the meditation thing. I've never been able to meditate, even when I sit for thirty minutes, trying to clear my mind. I don't know how to get rid of my ever-present wandering mind, and it's ALWAYS active. Do you have suggestions? I;m sorry to keep asking so much; I'm just very inexperienced and have no idea how to go about these things.

Basically do what feels comfy to you.

Best tips: write down whatever is stressing you out or that you can't stop thinking about (like: I need to take out the trash or whatever). Tell yourself "it's on the list and I'll deal with it later". Get rid of everything that way.

Lay down if you have to. If you fall asleep, whatever. Just lay there and be lazy. If a thought comes up, your attitude should either be "put it on the list so I can get back to focusing" or "Huh, I had a thought". Acknowledge you thought of something, but don't think on it more. It's like seeing someone you know - you could say hi, and have a conversation, or just go "Huh, it's so and so". You're doing the latter.

I don't want my mom knowing that I'm sexually active because she's "fine with whatever I do as long as she knows nothing about it", and I don't even know how to ask to see a gynecologist because apparently you're not supposed to start seeing those until you're twenty-one (as the previous doctor said).

Is there a Planned Parenthood near you? http://www.plannedparenthood.org/

They can help with all kinds of things and let you choose how you'll be contacted about appointments and everything (they can do it all discreetly). They're there for much more than birth control and testing.

Do you have any suggestions for making an appointment? There's a Planned Parenthood near my college, but I don't know how they charge or if I need to use my insurance card.... and I don't have the money, really, to pay for any kind of appointment on my own, so I would need my mom's approval and money to pay for a visit.

D'oh, hey. LOL. I was out on my own with school insurance when I used it, I didn't have my parents' insurance. I'm not sure about that.

Give them a call (I mean, I'm assuming you have your own phone and they're not snooping through your call log). They answer all kinds of questions over the phone.

If you have any reason to be considered low-income they do all sorts of things for free, and there's special insurance deals depending on the state, all kinds of stuff.

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Sorry in advance for sounding harsh, but your boyfriend sounds terrible. He doesn't understand asexuality at all and how it relates to you, he wants you to feel things you cannot feel nor control, and he says that the sacrifices you make (actually engaging in sex, which is really disgusting for you) aren't good enough. You are placing all the blame on yourself, trying to find a way to force yourself to be "better", when in reality the entire problem is him. He's not willing to compromise, he's not willing to look at this from YOUR perspective, he has no respect for your orientation. I know you'll probably disagree with me on this, and I won't comment further, but it sounds like he is the problem.... Not you, not your asexuality.

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OP - Do you enjoy anything like kissing, touching, running your hands over his back/skin, him running his over yours, etc? I get NOTHING out of genital stimulation. NOTHING out of masturbation. It's like ... OK, yes, I can feel someone is touching skin there. And if it's a bad angle, I can feel pain. But, the pleasure just never happens. So, the only way I can "be more enthusiastic" at all is if I kind of mentally focus on just the parts I do like (kissing and gently running my hands over his skin, him touching my face/neck) and ignore the below the waist stuff going on. Else, I just lay there looking totally bored and staring out a window while I run song lyrics through my head. I've seen other people describe making it more of a game, so it's fun and they can laugh during. There are a lot of ways to kind of play around with it being slightly less boring without it being physically pleasurable.

TMI TMI TMI:

People pushed me to masturbate. Nothing beyond "Ok... why do people do this?". So they sent me links to "guides" on how to do it. Again "Why do people do this?" ... and I gave up. So, sex, tried all sorts of stuff and pretty much the same "what is the big deal?". And I have had sex thousands of times, all sorts of positions, BDSM/kinks involved or not (cause, nothing vanilla worked, I figured why not try non-vanilla), toys involved or not, various sizes, widths, circumcised or not, etc. Just no. Nothing. Guys have spent hours trying to find a way to give me oral sex that I like, nope. Literally, you may as well be poking my tongue or my nose or something. It's just not physically pleasurable to some people. And believe me, I have tried to make it so. Because I was told I SHOULD like it, I just needed to find out how *I* liked it. And ya know what? I had no interest in any of it and probably would have been happier not pushing myself about it.

If you want to see a doctor to make sure there is nothing medically wrong, then tell your mom you are having feminine issues and need to see a gyno. There are a lot of reasons for seeing one beyond the post-21 exams and sexual activity. You could get an infection, you could have menstrual issues, you could have hormone imbalances, etc etc. You can give her any of myriad of reasons if she wants details and you don't want to tell her. I had to see a gyno when I was 17 because of a cyst on my ovaries.

Just quoting for emphasis.. Serran said it pretty much perfectly :)

I gave up on sexual relationships because of all this. it's just too much effort for something I have zero desire for (even if I am horny) and no enjoyment of (again, that's even if I am horny)

now (since having discovered asexuality, praise God!) I just have all the amazing sensual stuff with my ace honey, and no partnered sex (because neither of us have any need for partnered sex as it's not something we enjoy) .. it's amazing not having to put myself through that to make someone else happy. believe me I *wanted* to enjoy sex because I knew that was what would make my ex happy..and I figured I was expected to enjoy and desire it... but nothing I did ever made it any better, or could make me *want* it .. even though on my own I am able to masturbate and achieve orgasm. another person just cannot give that to me.

Gosh.. there is sooo much more to.. intimacy.. than sex. Partnered sex for me is nothing..just boring and pointless. I am just so happy I *finally* learned to accept that instead of fighting it the way I had been, and found someone who feels the same way :)

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Sorry in advance for sounding harsh, but your boyfriend sounds terrible. He doesn't understand asexuality at all and how it relates to you, he wants you to feel things you cannot feel nor control, and he says that the sacrifices you make (actually engaging in sex, which is really disgusting for you) aren't good enough. You are placing all the blame on yourself, trying to find a way to force yourself to be "better", when in reality the entire problem is him. He's not willing to compromise, he's not willing to look at this from YOUR perspective, he has no respect for your orientation. I know you'll probably disagree with me on this, and I won't comment further, but it sounds like he is the problem.... Not you, not your asexuality.

I do agree with this as well. you're doing so much for him. why can't he be like "well okay babe and I understand you don't enjoy it, lets just leave it and enjoy our love for each other... sex isn't as important as our partnership" why can't he just be happy with that?.. well, because he's sexual. if he can't all of a sudden flick a switch and turn his sexuality off, why should you be expected to be able to flick your asexuality off?

*sigh*

AVEN describes sexual attraction as "the desire for partnered sexual contact, the desire to share your sexuality with another person"

Hence, an asexual is someone who just doesn't innately desire partnered sex, you can't be expected to just fix that all of a sudden. You're not broken, it's who you are as an asexual.

Sure some asexuals can enjoy the sensations of sex even if they don't *desire* the partnered act, but the amount who don't enjoy the feelings far outweigh those that do, in my experience.

Many asexuals who *think* they desire partnered sex, but cannot enjoy it, find that what they actually wanted was sensual contact, but no actual genital stimulation. they desire the intimacy of being close with their lover, without any of the pressures that come with sex.

Edit: just to be clear, you can have a libido and enjoy masturbation without desiring partnered sexual activity. it's not about whether or not you get aroused, its about whether or not you desire having sex with another perosn to help relieve your arousal. Many people cannot enjoy something they just do not desire, it's human. :cake:

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spirituareborn

Moved to The Gray Area, Sex and Related Discussions forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

Thanks! I had no idea where to put this... Sorry!

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