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Given name and holiday cards


Palovana

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I was thinking about this tonight and it's got me kind of down.

So with the holidays coming soon, I've been making a list of relatives to give cards to this year. Just to clarify a bit of background: I have a very large extended family on my father's side. My mother's side I don't keep in contact with, but on my father's side I have many aunts and uncles and cousins, as well as their brothers and sisters and extended family (for example, we consider my father's brother's wife's sisters and their husbands and children as our family as well). On Christmas Eve, we always have a huge party at my uncle's house that includes exchanging cards and gifts.

My problem is that I was thinking about how I would sign the cards. For about a year or so now, I've been introducing myself to people and going by the gender-neutral name that I've chosen for myself. My given name is very girly and old-fashioned and I hate it. Even at work, my coworkers and my boss call me by my chosen name. I've told my relatives and friends to call me by my chosen name as well, more than once, but only a couple of my cousins take me seriously, no one else. What's worse is my parents threw an almighty bitch fit when I told them I'm genderqueer and to call me by my chosen name. Not only did they not take it well, but they call me by my given name in a way that makes me feel like they're doing it just to get on my nerves (I wouldn't put it past them, honestly). Like I'll be talking to my mom and she'll say something like "I'm ordering a pizza for dinner tonight, is it okay if they put mushrooms on it GIVEN NAME?" It really pisses me off and I'm not exactly on speaking terms with my mother right now, haven't been for several weeks because of her bullshit.

I'm worried that if I sign the cards with my name, the name I identify with, my relatives will be awkward about it, or even worse, my parents will start a shitstorm in front of 30+ relatives and extended family. Or my relatives might accidentally ask hurtful questions or out me to the more distant ones I'm not out to. But signing with my given name, even hearing or seeing that name in relation to myself just feels so strange and wrong and feels depressing...

I could just not give anything, but in a way that seems a bit asshole-ish to me...

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Stuck between a bit of a rock and a hard place, eh? It's a little hard for me to directly put myself in your shoes, since I don't quite identify as agender (though I certainly don't have much attachment to being male), but I'll try my best to give some advice nonetheless. I know you say that you really hate your birth name and don't like seeing it associated with you, but perhaps you could put on the cards "[Current Name], formerly [birth Name]"? This would prevent confusion in case people still think of you by [birth Name], while simultaneously making it clear that said name is in the past and they should address you with [Current Name] instead. Really, though, the question is whether you think your new gender identity is worth the possibility of a shitstorm with your family. If no, put [birth Name]. If yes, either go with my idea or just put [Current Name]. Whichever way you cut it, it's kind of up to you.

Hope this helps!

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Certified Cake Decorator

Phoenix, you describe my liiiife!!! D:

That sucks and this whole situation sucks.

Let us know which you choose and how it goes please! I'd definitely like to know.

Sorry, i have no advice. I'm still in the 'stay in my room all day and avoid my family' stage...

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