Trying to find myself...Agender?

[Dimonaire]

Hey guys,

So I’ve been wondering about this whole agender thing….can I have y’all’s opinon?

To start, most of my life I never identified myself as a ‘girl’ because of the fact that it made me angry that I couldn’t do things that boys could do, such as play rough or say certain things or whatever it is that boys do. You know? I’ve always disliked the stereotypes for women, things that are associated with them such as cooking, cleaning, staying at home, being dependent on the man of the family, etc.

I know though, that I am both masculine and feminine. I like to dress nice, paint my nails, makeup, etc. But I love the idea of strength and of dominating, and I know I can be aggressive sometimes. So I’ve never identified with the whole “woman” thing (I cringe at being called that), but I know I’m not a man either, since I know that I have female bits and I don’t desire to change that since I feel comfortable in my body.

I started thinking about agender because of this book “No Boundary” by Ken Wilber which describes how we assign boundaries to ourselves, and how that stops us form reaching unity consciousness (being one with the universe). This really struck me because like I said, I’ve always felt different about gender. This book helped me realize to see myself as just “me”, to say “I am just a person” when I look in the mirror. The thing that gets to me though about agender is the “they” pronoun. Does being agender mean that you have to use that? Or could you still use whatever pronoun you feel comfy with?

Anyways, thanks for listening! (or reading lol) ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ cake!

[FindingMe94]

I feel the same way about the whole "they" pronoun so I've also been reluctant to call myself agender. I do agree that "female" and "male" can be very limiting and why some people, like us, don't like to identify that way. But since I don't really see myself as a "they" I still stick to she because I have a vagina and boobs I'm okay with being a female.

[citizenofAcity]

I used 'they' when I identified as agender, but what pronouns you use are solely up to you. 'They' isn't the only gender neutral pronoun, either, so don't feel like you have to use it to be able to say that you're agender.

[Heart]

I tend to feel like pronouns and gender don't actually have to go together. I know agendered people who really don't care what pronouns are used, so they say "Just use whatever makes you feel more comfortable." As such, a lot of people tend to use pronouns that match their gender presentation at the time (if they look feminine, for example, people will use she more often), and I tend to go with they just because I am so used to it for genderqueers of all forms. I also know an agendered individual who prefers "she", and I respect that.

If you have a prefered pronoun, go with it. You can still be agendered, and pick whatever pronoun you like. In fact, take a moment to look at the wikipedia page, it lists a lot of them :)

[butterflydreams]

I'm in agreement with Heart here. Mostly, I've gotten used to pronouns, and personally, I just don't care. I don't like "it" or "they" pronouns, because they feel dehumanizing to me. I suppose it would be kind of trippy and interesting to ask that people refer to me as "she". Hell, it might even be very enlightening. (Saves idea for later) I actually like to be referred to as a person, and not a "man", but that's my only real peeve.

Use whatever you feel ok with. Even if it changes over time. There are no hard and fast rules here, just what's going to make you more comfortable :)

[Calligraphette_Coe]

I'm in agreement with Heart here. Mostly, I've gotten used to pronouns, and personally, I just don't care. I don't like "it" or "they" pronouns, because they feel dehumanizing to me. I suppose it would be kind of trippy and interesting to ask that people refer to me as "she". Hell, it might even be very enlightening. (Saves idea for later) I actually like to be referred to as a person, and not a "man", but that's my only real peeve.

Use whatever you feel ok with. Even if it changes over time. There are no hard and fast rules here, just what's going to make you more comfortable :)

Myself, I just tend to let pronouns and salutations slide off me like water from a duck's back. Sometimes I'm sir.... sometimes I'm ma'am. All the time, I'm just me.

I prefer the feminine ones, but am stoic about it, remembering that old saw about life and bears:

Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you.

[Dimonaire]

Thank you guys! @pioneer167, i thought being agendered meant that you had to use the "they" pronouns, so I wasn't too comfortable with that. But know I know that I can use whatever pronoun I feel comfortable with :)

Thank you all! ^_^ ^_^

[lionlionlion]

Hi,

I identify as agender but I have a 'male' name, use 'male' pronouns and accept 'male' words. I just don't feel right insisting on gender neutral pronouns.

Firstly, because I don't want to go to the effort of getting people to call me by them. I am an introvert, and I don't feel like fighting for my identity.
Secondly, because I actually like some of the words associated with men. I have had friends that call me 'brother' or 'mister' and they have such warmth to them. Being someone's sibling instead of a brother doesn't appeal to me. Being someone's offspring instead of son doesn't appeal to me.
Thirdly, because I can decide what the english language means to me. Male words don't have to be male when referring to me - because hey, I'm not male!
And as long as I know who I am, none of the little outer details seem to matter so much. :)

I wrote a poem about my slightly odd version of being agender, if you're interested: http://walkwithmedownrubybeach.tumblr.com/dontcallmemate

[Conscientious Ghost]

Nah, being agender doesn't mean you have use those pronouns. You could still use whatever pronouns you feel comfortable with.

I identify with the definitions of gender non-conforming, agender, and mainly neutrois. I prefer using 'they' pronouns. My legal/birth name is a French-origin, feminine based name and my sex is female, but I feel disconnected, disgusted, and dysphoric about it. I'm somewhat more comfortable with 'he' pronouns if people refuse to use 'they' pronouns. Despite that, I feel like a walking amoeba that breathes, feels, and thinks.

[Amoeba-Proteus]

I think you can use whatever pronouns feel right to you. ^_^

I personally like "they" because I don't feel like I'm a man or a woman. I feel like a nothing. Or a something. I don't know.
I'm more masculine than feminine, but it's more of a.... "Being male would be preferable to being female, but still isn't entirely right."
"They" just feels more accurate. If someone calls me "him/he", I'm alright with it. "Her/she" makes me cringe. "They" is best. I think when it comes to the other two, mostly "she", I think "But I'm not a 'she'..." It doesn't connect...

But everyone's different!

[FoxyMulder]

I personally like they, but I also don't get too upset if people use other ones with me because my gender has to do more with my mental and physical discomfort then with the way I'm read by other people.

You don't have to use a "neutral" pronoun if you don't want to. I mean, technically whichever pronoun you pick will be gender neutral if you are gender neutral (or at least that's how I see it).

If you do want a different pronoun there are a ton out there to pick from. =)