Could use some sexual insight - little TMI

[Guest]

My partner and I hadn't seen each other for 12 days and I returned today (seeing family). Of course, after 12 days, he wanted sex. Which was fine and I expected it. But, he was kissing me passionately (which, we don't do too often) and I do like kissing and can get into that, so I returned it. But, whenever we start to turn the sensual (kissing, caressing) to sexual (sex, oral, whatever) he always drops off the sensual parts. And I find it kind of annoying. It's like... OK genitals are being touched, lets JUST focus on that and nothing else.

Now, reason I want sexual insight is - is this kind of normal? Or do a lot of sexuals enjoy kissing etc during the act as well as before and he just has issues multi tasking? I know on TV they typically show kissing and gentle touching during, unless it's a rough sex scene or like a hooker sex scene. But, then, TV is never realistic either. :P My other partners were all inexperienced, so they went with pretty much whatever I said since two were virgins and I was the "experienced" party (so, yeah, they probably have better sex lives now we aren't together since I know why it was so "Ergh, why does none of this work?" now) and the other I was the virgin and he was super respectful and kinda let me take the lead in what we were doing so he didn't push me beyond any comfort zones.

I know as an asexual I find it annoying cause the genital touching does like nothing for me at all, if I am to enjoy sex it's the sensual parts I enjoy. So, when kissing ends at penetration or he wants to do doggy style or oral where the only thing touching is mouth to genitals or genitals to genitals, it's a mood shatterer to me. Goes from enjoyable activity (if I focus on kissing/playing with his chest hair instead of the below the waist bits I can enjoy the kissing and kinda ignore the rest) to I was fighting to stay awake because long bus ride and I was tired and got bored. But, I kinda wonder if sexuals would find it a bit annoying too.

[ranting ferret]

it's possible that once sexual and/or sensual activities get to the point of genitals, the physical and mental sensations become too intense to focus on other things. perhaps you could take over to the sensuality of things.

also be sure to talk about this to your partner, outside of sexy times, but also gentle reminders during might be helpful.

not sure if that's the case. i wouldn't put myself down as experienced per say apart from being married to someone who's sexual. overwhelming sensations has been a thing that's happened. (also as an ace of some sorts, i pretty only know to focus on what things feel like other than anything else....if there is anything else).

[apokalyptisch]

A lot of people (in my experience, mostly guys) do that. The sensual stuff doesn't always "do" anything for a lot of people, but they know that other people like it, so they do it to get to the parts they do like. I have been with people who are so formulaic and predictable that it's annoying. I, too, really go for the passionate always-sensual stuff.

I agree too that it could just be "okay we're at the sex part now and basically my genitals need attention, fuck everything else." Definitely have been there.

I find myself having to initiate sensuality most of the time. It's tough to just not kiss somebody when they're kissing you. I also really enjoy teasing, so when I'm on top I take the reins and get realllly sensual.

I agree that you should have a chat with your partner.

[Lady Girl]

I find it annoying too Serran. That's kind of how it always was with us...the sensual dropped away as soon as the sexual started and I always wanted some overlap. Now I have come to the conclusion that he needed to focus. I also think sensual was basically sexual for him (hence not much non sexual physical intimacy these days) and there were basically steps to be taken (sort of like a script I guess).

[Guest]

I can't really push the sensual stuff during, since he's usually just moving into a position that makes something like kissing impossible (sitting straight up, doggy style, his legs towards my face for oral, etc). And he wears clothes so skin-to-skin contact doesn't even happen. I kinda get why people say there is "making love" and "sex" and when you cut off kissing, gentle touching and even skin contact beyond the genital area it's so... physical. And I am a non-libidoist and also ace, so physical is the least fun thing possible.

We have talked about what I like before. He knows it. But, I guess we can talk again. Not sure he can grasp the concept of kissing being better than attempting to give me an orgasm for me though...

LG - Sorry, that sounds hard. :( My partner sees sensual as sexual too. Could be why he stops, since he's just "changing" sexual touch perhaps. *frown* I wish they weren't seen as the same so much.

[Lady Girl]

Thanks Serran, it's not been too bad lately...he's made more efforts to sit close to me on the couch and put his arm around me. It doesn't last long, but I definitely appreciate it. I think he understands what I'd like...he's just not extremely tactile so I think it feels really awkward to him. Since he seems sensitive to my feelings about it and genuine in his attempts I haven't felt as bad about it.

I agree, it's too bad sensual and sexual are so closely linked in their minds.

[Arctangent]

I don't have a lot of experience with this, but the one person I've ever done sexual stuff with is a very physically affectionate person, so I'm used to having quite a bit of sensual touching both before and during the sexual part. There is a bit more focus on the sexual aspect once we get to that part, but there's usually not a complete drop-off of other kinds of touching (especially caresses and face/body/neck kisses), and the transition is pretty smooth.

Speaking personally (as a grey-ace), I would find it pretty difficult to have a sexual relationship without a lot of nonsexual touch and sensual foreplay - in fact, I don't think I'd be able to do it at all. Genital stimulation (with a partner) is not something I strongly desire in itself - it's something I can take or leave. I find it much easier to handle when it happens alongside other forms of touch that I do really desire and enjoy. My friend understands this, so despite being basically polar opposites in terms degree of sexual desire, there's enough overlap between the sensual and sexual that we both get something out of it. Since we're both poly/open, we're also able to have other sensual and/or sexual relationships if we choose, which is also helpful in our situation (although I understand that's not really applicable to your relationship).

I can understand how annoying it might be for the sexual and sensual acts to be so... compartmentalized. It sounds especially frustrating if nonsexual physical affection (without it necessarily occurring before or after sex) also isn't really an option, which IIRC you have also said is the case in your relationship, Serran. I hope you're able to work something out.

[Guest]

I can understand how annoying it might be for the sexual and sensual acts to be so... compartmentalized. It sounds especially frustrating if nonsexual physical affection (without it necessarily occurring before or after sex) also isn't really an option, which IIRC you have also said is the case in your relationship, Serran. I hope you're able to work something out.

*nods* To him sensual is like a lead-up to sex, so it's very much connected and I can't ask for one without him wanting the other. And I was fine with him wanting sex so much since it'd been 12 days. I just wish he could keep the stuff *I* want going while he gets what he wants too. And it's not like he doesn't like it too. But, I guess to him it's just more a lead-up / foreplay thing which is just for before genitals get involved.

I know part of it is he's gained a little weight since we got together, so he's not comfortable with things like taking his shirt off around me. Which is silly, cause I care absolutely zero about weight and I have told him that about a million times. Which cuts off a lot of skin contact right there. I think another part is most of his relationships have been short, casual and a lot about the sexual stuff. I know when I knew him before we were together, he talked about sex with some of the women as "exercise". I suppose in that sort of arrangement, sensual probably wouldn't even be that much fun, so probably a small (if at all) part. And after 20 or so years of that, habits probably form.

Adding to the annoyance is he wants me to be less bored during sex. We have kept up the sensual side a couple of times (I can count on one hand) during sex and afterwards, he says things like "Why can't we do that every night". He's seen that if he does it, he gets a responsive and "into" something partner (even if it's not the sex stuff I am into). I think I kind of confuse him though. I get VERY into kissing (if in the mood for it) and it seems like your normal "getting turned on" externally. Except, it doesn't lead me to wanting any sort of sexual touch - ideally, it would be caressing back/neck and non-sexual parts while kissing passionately. That's it. That's the extent of my desire. But, I know for a fact I act like a "normal" girl as in getting into it, kissing hard, etc. So I give off the "I want you sexually" signal physically. But it's not what I want and he knows it mentally (he's been told, multiple times!). But, now that I think of it, he did say "this is how I feel about you all the time" last night so I think he thought I was sexually turned on... even though I have told him a bazillion times that doesn't happen to me.

But, I guess I can see how it would be confusing since I "act normal" in the lead-up. I know my previous partners never even noticed anything "off" about our sex life, since they maintained kissing etc during sex (because they let me have the lead), so never saw how boring I find the rest. Even if I always felt frustrated about why I never wanted to go further from those acts and why sex never did anything for me like everyone said it should, they never noticed (was before I knew asexuality even existed, I was trying to figure out WHY sex wasn't this awesome thing people kept telling me I should think it is, especially since I could go get so into the other stuff).

Hmmm. Well, seems to be a personality thing though, since some sexuals find it annoying as well. Thanks for replies. Wonder how to get the concept of sensual > sexual into his head though. He has trouble wrapping his head around people who don't feel about sex like he does. I don't know if he can really understand "I get more pleasure out of the kissing part than I ever would out of you trying to give me orgasms, even if you somehow were to give me 10 in a row". That's probably like speaking Greek to him. :lol:

LG: I am glad he's trying. It is really hard when something is an unnatural way of showing affection. My partner always wants verbal cues and I suck at expressing myself in words (well, IRL anyways) so I can understand his struggle with giving the physical affection if he's not naturally inclined. It's very sweet of him to try though. :)

[Mycroft is Yourcroft]

I think I kind of confuse him though. I get VERY into kissing (if in the mood for it) and it seems like your normal "getting turned on" externally. Except, it doesn't lead me to wanting any sort of sexual touch - ideally, it would be caressing back/neck and non-sexual parts while kissing passionately. That's it. That's the extent of my desire. But, I know for a fact I act like a "normal" girl as in getting into it, kissing hard, etc. So I give off the "I want you sexually" signal physically.

I've never heard anyone else on this site describe something like that until now, yet I am exactly the same. It's caused lots of trouble with the two partners I've had, one sexual, the other pretty physical. Because there was no distinction between sexual and sensual in either of their minds, they felt I had suddenly stopped being asexual and wanted to skip straight to genitals. The thing is, with the sexual partner, the moment they had finished, they would go back to kissing and cuddling, though I never felt in the mood for it by that point!

[Guest]

I think I kind of confuse him though. I get VERY into kissing (if in the mood for it) and it seems like your normal "getting turned on" externally. Except, it doesn't lead me to wanting any sort of sexual touch - ideally, it would be caressing back/neck and non-sexual parts while kissing passionately. That's it. That's the extent of my desire. But, I know for a fact I act like a "normal" girl as in getting into it, kissing hard, etc. So I give off the "I want you sexually" signal physically.

I've never heard anyone else on this site describe something like that until now, yet I am exactly the same. It's caused lots of trouble with the two partners I've had, one sexual, the other pretty physical. Because there was no distinction between sexual and sensual in either of their minds, they felt I had suddenly stopped being asexual and wanted to skip straight to genitals. The thing is, with the sexual partner, the moment they had finished, they would go back to kissing and cuddling, though I never felt in the mood for it by that point!

Yes, exactly. I get the complaint about not being cuddly enough after sex all the time (I usually get up, go to the bathroom to get cleaned up, then want to play video games or something...). After sitting through 10-40m of genital touching, which does nothing for me, my mood for doing the other stuff is quite over and I just want to go do something fun. It was really confusing for me to figure out the whole "OK, I act like this from kissing and such, yet I still don't want sex or anything like that..." thing. So, I can't really blame someone who does want the sex from it for being confused I guess. It is a mixed signal as far as most people are concerned. But, meh.

[Kitty Spoon Train]

I've never really had this issue. I guess it's because I'm a grey-ace with a huge dose of demisexual tendencies, so it's a bit of a self-correcting problem. ie The relationships I get into are with people who are very cuddly and can handle nonsexual affectionate touch only for a while, so the lead-in to my relationships naturally filters out those who just want quickie sex-focused encounters. :lol:

Not sure if there is a solution to this. It seems like people simply have different needs when it comes to affectionate touch versus sexual (similar to how emotional/romantic and sexual needs/orientations can be disconnected). For some people these things naturally overlap and interact, and for some they seem to be quite compartmentalised. So unfortunately, I think it could just be an outright compatibility issue, something that can't really be "fixed".

[Martin de V]

Maybe I'm some kind of mutant. I like the sensual stuff, too, and I'm very much sexual. There have been times when Jo and I have had arguments, because sometimes I'd have been perfectly happy just making out a little, lots of kissing and stroking, and she's thinking that if we're going to all that effort we might as well just go all the way and she didn't feel like that.

The one does not necessarily lead to the other, at least not for me. I'm not gonna lie, II like it when they do, but they don't have to. And they don't have to be mutually exclusive to me, either; I enjoy kissing and caressing, whether naughty bits are involved or not.

Damn. I know I had a coherent thought when I came in here. Did I actually address anything you were asking about, Serran? My train of thought derailed somewhere along the line.

[Guest]

Maybe I'm some kind of mutant. I like the sensual stuff, too, and I'm very much sexual. There have been times when Jo and I have had arguments, because sometimes I'd have been perfectly happy just making out a little, lots of kissing and stroking, and she's thinking that if we're going to all that effort we might as well just go all the way and she didn't feel like that.

The one does not necessarily lead to the other, at least not for me. I'm not gonna lie, II like it when they do, but they don't have to. And they don't have to be mutually exclusive to me, either; I enjoy kissing and caressing, whether naughty bits are involved or not.

Damn. I know I had a coherent thought when I came in here. Did I actually address anything you were asking about, Serran? My train of thought derailed somewhere along the line.

Hehe yes you did. I was mainly wondering if my wanting "tv like sex" was more because I am asexual or not. Because... he has said multiple times he's never had complaints except for not being rough enough (he's not into BDSM or anything like that) and he's had A LOT of sexual partners. He said I was the most timid he's been with - which, erm, yeah I guess. Cause I like the sensual, romantic gestures more than "OMG DO ME NOW" that he seems to describe in his other partners (masturbating during sex to get off faster, etc).

I know he's totally not getting it though. I initiated sex yesterday cause I wanted to try taking the lead, which I don't really get to do with him (he's a very dominant person with sex, even if he's not into dom/sub stuff). I don't want the sex, but since sex has to be a part of sensual with him, whatever. And first thing he tries... giving me oral, cause he thinks I wanted SEX. ARGH. No, no, no. How many times do I have to say "I do not even like you giving me oral" for him to get it through his head? And that certainly ruins the sensual stuff, cause I am NOT kissing him after he does that! *goes to find a hard wall to bang her head against* Just seriously... it's like every talk we have had all went in one ear and out the other.

[Martin de V]

See, there I'm luckier, because Jo's gray and once we get going, so can get into it. I wish I could help out more, but I'm not sure that I can. If my random babblings help, though, I'll cheerfully keep them up. You've been a great help to me here in the past, and I'd love to be able to return the favor if possible.

[Guest]

See, there I'm luckier, because Jo's gray and once we get going, so can get into it. I wish I could help out more, but I'm not sure that I can. If my random babblings help, though, I'll cheerfully keep them up. You've been a great help to me here in the past, and I'd love to be able to return the favor if possible.

*nods* Those who can get into it are probably easier for mixed relationships like that. I am more fighting not tapping my fingers once it gets all physical and sexual haha ... and not sure there is much help for it, unfortunately. But, thank you. :)

[Guest]

My partner and I hadn't seen each other for 12 days and I returned today (seeing family). Of course, after 12 days, he wanted sex. Which was fine and I expected it. But, he was kissing me passionately (which, we don't do too often) and I do like kissing and can get into that, so I returned it. But, whenever we start to turn the sensual (kissing, caressing) to sexual (sex, oral, whatever) he always drops off the sensual parts. And I find it kind of annoying. It's like... OK genitals are being touched, lets JUST focus on that and nothing else.

Now, reason I want sexual insight is - is this kind of normal? Or do a lot of sexuals enjoy kissing etc during the act as well as before and he just has issues multi tasking? I know on TV they typically show kissing and gentle touching during, unless it's a rough sex scene or like a hooker sex scene. But, then, TV is never realistic either. :P My other partners were all inexperienced, so they went with pretty much whatever I said since two were virgins and I was the "experienced" party (so, yeah, they probably have better sex lives now we aren't together since I know why it was so "Ergh, why does none of this work?" now) and the other I was the virgin and he was super respectful and kinda let me take the lead in what we were doing so he didn't push me beyond any comfort zones.

I know as an asexual I find it annoying cause the genital touching does like nothing for me at all, if I am to enjoy sex it's the sensual parts I enjoy. So, when kissing ends at penetration or he wants to do doggy style or oral where the only thing touching is mouth to genitals or genitals to genitals, it's a mood shatterer to me. Goes from enjoyable activity (if I focus on kissing/playing with his chest hair instead of the below the waist bits I can enjoy the kissing and kinda ignore the rest) to I was fighting to stay awake because long bus ride and I was tired and got bored. But, I kinda wonder if sexuals would find it a bit annoying too.

I am a virgin so I have little to say here. Umm kissing and cuddling is also kinda never done that either. Well have you talked him about it? I am sure he wants the pleasure you also. At least for me I tend to want the pleasure the other person. All this at least in my mind.

I agree, it's too bad sensual and sexual are so closely linked in their minds.

This is why I will try to stay away from sensuality. To me touch always leads to something sexual the smallest touch can be misunderstood.

[Tarfeather]

... what.

No, this is nothing to do with being sexual or not. There's also no great sensuality/sexuality distinction, although I would say that there is such a thing as "masturbating" and such a thing as "masturbating against the body of someone else". Which IMO is not sexuality at all. You don't really need "someone else" for that after all, they're just like an added bonus.

As I've recently learned, sexuality/sensuality involves understanding your partner's reactions and syncing up with them. It sounds as though your partner is for the most part simply ignoring the way you feel about it, thus, more like masturbation, not sexuality.

If your partner is treating you like a fucking doll, that's obviously an issue. I've slipped into that kind of behavior myself, I can see how it'd happen, especially with how society at large considers sexuality. In my case, at one point I saw my relationship to be in danger, and thus reconsidered a lot of my behavior. Fixing that aspect was one of the results of that, and it actually led to me experiencing things that I couldn't experience through masturbation. So.. I dunno, maybe making clear to him just how serious this it to you would help?