Sensual attraction...?

[antheia]

Hi all. Alright so, I'm very confused about an aspect of asexuality, and this happens more times than I would like to, tbh.

I apologize in advance for typing such a long text.

Anyways, so I'm having a long distance relationship with this guy (he lives in a completely different country from mine). We made it "official" about a month ago, but we've been practically acting like a couple for months. Sex (or relationships, for that matter) was never much of an issue to me until I met him. He's not asexual though. And has had girlfriends, so he's experienced. I'm not. We've had talks about sex many, many times, until he recently told me that sex is something he'd want regularly and that if I told him "I don't want to have sex" that he couldn't have me as a long term girlfriend. I can't bear the thought of losing him, because I'm very much in love with him. We are both very in love, so every time we talk about sex it almost always ends with both saying "i don't know what to do, I don't want to lose you." However, I told him I might try having sex with him if we hopefully meet someday, but that he has to have A LOT of patience. I trust him, he told me he'll take care of me and definitely stop if I'm too uncomfortable.

The thing is, on the times where my libido is fairly active, I sometimes might think about having sex with him (not while masturbating though, because I find that to be a bit of a turn off), although in those "fantasies" it's more about how it'd feel, and everything is like sort of blurry and if I start to think about the act in DETAIL I think "hmmmm nope", because for the most part I am sex-repulsed. But if I don't think it TOO much I do get aroused with the idea. However! I think the thing I would like the most about sex is the closeness, skin to skin, caressing, kissing everywhere, etc etc, (which, ya know, you can have without actual sex) and THAT is what I want with him.

Thus, this led me to think that I'm potentially a very sensual person (I might add, I've never had a boyfriend before nor been kissed or anything like that, so I'm discovering a lot of new things about myself! never even thought I'd fall in love either). The thing is, I've never thought about having sex before, until him. I guess it's in part because I just expect that it's going to happen so I think about it because I have to prepare myself for whenever we'll get to meet? maybe?

Truth is a lot of times I think "hm, I wouldn't mind having sex with him" and i'm pretty okay with the idea (again, not focusing on details that I find a bit repulsive *cough*genitals*cough*), mainly because I love him and I know that's what he'd want and I want to make him happy, and however I'd feel during the act.... well, we'll see. But when I think about having sex with him I focus mostly on the whole sensual part of sex, so I guess that's why I'm okay with the idea in theory.

But!, and here's something I find curious and finally the point of this post, when I think about doing ONLY sensual stuff with him, I feel arousal too sometimes...

So I guess my question would be, can sensual attraction make you feel aroused? is that a thing? or am i sexually attracted to him, possibly me being demi?

Also, is it wrong to say I'm not sexually attracted with him, but I want to have sex with him? (even though, again, sexual activities are not the most appealing to me...)

[Hooded_Crow]

Hi there!

A lot of what you're saying resonates with me.

I have also found myself in my first ever relationship about a month ago, with someone I've never met in real life. Main difference, though: he's ace too, so there's no "I need sex in a relationship" element there.

But. I do find myself sensually attracted to him. A lot. Basically everything you describe: skin to skin, caressing, soft kissing, cuddling. All that feels very appealing to me, and when I think about being with him in that way, I do feel arousal in a way. But it's not exactly the same sort of arousal I get when masturbating/fantasizing about sex (which is also always vague for me, otherwise I'm like "eeesh, no"). That sensual arousal doesn't make me desire an orgasm or sexual activity. I just makes me want to hum and sigh and stretch.

Some people might regard this as sexual. But I don't. As long as I'm not feeling that instinctive "yep, I want sex with this guy", I'm not calling it sexual attraction.

Another way of looking at it is this:

I have a sensual/physical intimacy drive AND I'm sensually attracted to my partner.

I have a sex drive BUT I'm not sexually attracted to my partner.

There's definitely a difference between the two.

My being sensually attracted to my partner has allowed me to understand better what sexual attraction might be like. I suppose that, just as I feel a strong urge/instinct to cuddle my partner, sexual people feel an urge/instinct to have sex with theirs.

As for whether sensual attraction can make you feel aroused, I know I've felt some sexual arousal as a result of a lot of emotion/sensuality. But that to me still doesn't qualify as sexual attraction because it doesn't make me instinctively desire to push our shared sensuality into the sexual realm.

Hope this helps at least a bit.

Xx

Crow

[antheia]

Another way of looking at it is this:

I have a sensual/physical intimacy drive AND I'm sensually attracted to my partner.

I have a sex drive BUT I'm not sexually attracted to my partner.

There's definitely a difference between the two.

My being sensually attracted to my partner has allowed me to understand better what sexual attraction might be like. I suppose that, just as I feel a strong urge/instinct to cuddle my partner, sexual people feel an urge/instinct to have sex with theirs.

As for whether sensual attraction can make you feel aroused, I know I've felt some sexual arousal as a result of a lot of emotion/sensuality. But that to me still doesn't qualify as sexual attraction because it doesn't make me instinctively desire to push our shared sensuality into the sexual realm.

When I think about him sensually, that feeling is more of like "ughh I want him here/cuddling with me so badly!", it does feel like a strong urge... but I have a bit of trouble differentiating the two, since the arousal I feel from my own sex drive is never super STRONG anyways. But I know they're not the same in a way.

Thank you so much for replying! It helped me a lot.

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to Romantic and Aromantic Orientations forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Hooded_Crow]

When I think about him sensually, that feeling is more of like "ughh I want him here/cuddling with me so badly!"

Oh, yeah, I get that too. Definitely ^^

We keep joking that when we'll finally meet, there's be so much pent-up cuddle energy that we'll have to spend the whole first week just cuddling in bed XD

Thing is, if you're thinking "I want him here cuddling with me", it's not like thinking "I want him here making love to me". That, to me, is the difference between sensual attraction and sexual attraction.

But yeah, I get that it can be a tricky line, sometimes. But you know what? It's all fine because you don't have to stick to one side of the line. You can do whatever you want. Asexuality is not a vow of celibacy ;)

[Guest]

why was this question moved to the romantic and aromantic orientations forum? shouldn't it be in the Grey area, sex, and related discussions?

Anyway, I understand how you feel, OP! for many years before discovering asexuality, I *thought* I wanted sex, but when it came to actually *having* sex (no matter how aroused I was) I was like "ugh this is awful!" heh. I know now that I was experiencing a desire for sensual intimacy (kissing, cuddling, touching, being very close etc) as opposed to having a desire for actual sexual contact. (sexual contact being: desiring genital stimulation with/by another person)

Anyway, I believe it's perfectly possible to be turned on by a person, and to become aroused by the idea of being sensual with them, without wanting to actually have partnered sex with them. (or, to put it more clearly, without *requiring* partnered sex with them for *you* to be satisfied. You can still want sex to make your partner happy, but it's not an innate desire inside you that makes you *need* sex for you to be happy)

It sounds like you may not be someone who desires partnered sex for you to be satisfied, but may be able to find enjoyment in sensuality with your partner when you actually meet. Some people (like myself) cannot enjoy sex no matter how hard we try (luckily for me I now have a sensual asexual partner) but you may be one of the lucky aces who is able to enjoy the sensations of partnered sex as well as enjoying sensuality?

sadly these are the sorts of questions that only time can really answer though :o

I wish you luck with your relationship! (my asexual darling and I live on different hemispheres of the globe, heh.. we just had our 10 month anniversary.. yay!) :)