confused and sad

[C-3PO]

thats how I felt about my gender the past weeks.

I don't really understand my gender anymore, I think that I am genderfluid of some sort(fluctuating between demi-boy and agender I think) but I when I feel more boyish I feel like a v feminine guy?(like the dude who hangs out more with girls and is acts a bit girly, Idunno, there is a comic floating around on tumblr about a "pretty boy" and thats p much how I feel I think??)

Other days I feel like I shouldn't have a gender and that people just should leave it alone.

I always have some sort of chest dysphoria, when I look in the mirror when I'm topless I am sometimes genuinely confused about my chest, like, why are they there?? I think my face is quite androgynous, so on my boyish days I see a boy face, and looking down my chest is just sitting there like "uuhhh, no?? you're a girl??". I've been feeling quite good about how I look lately but when I don't bind I feel like my chest ruin my entire look.

Also I'd love it to have a deeper voice(both singing and talking) and smaller hips, but going on T seems so "brutal" Idunno?? Also that requires coming out and I don't know if I'll ever be ready for that.

My ideal look would be a boys body but sometimes wear dresses and skirts and that kinda stuff.

anyway, this was me rambling about gender.

[Heart]

I kind of understand where you're coming from. I've sometimes said that my gender is a gaussian distribution... It's the nerd in me coming out. Other times, I've been known to say that I wish I was male-bodied, so that I could cross-dress as a female. Some people give me wierd looks and ask me what the point is, if I'm already in a female body, but to me the point is that I wish gender and sex could be more fluid in expression, and doing that would embody the fluidity for me. (Then I usually remember that I'd have a penis if I were male-bodied and I decide I'd rather not. So I call it "Ken-doll-bodied" so that the genitals can just be like the "blanks" of a doll :P )

I guess all I'm saying is, I kind of know where you're coming from.

[Wayfarer]

I always have some sort of chest dysphoria, when I look in the mirror when I'm topless I am sometimes genuinely confused about my chest, like, why are they there??

I have exactly this. I don't bind (yet), but am planning on starting to do so on my 'bad' days. Usually I don't mind being in a female body much, and then can suddenly be surprised while changing or in the shower when I (re)discover that I have a chest. And some days I hate living in a female body and get really uncomfortable. I too, know the exact build I'd prefer (flat-chested of course, but no boys stuff 'down there'), but it is probably unattainable for me ever (changing from close to hourglass-shape to a flat, almost pre-teen body, just straight, is probably impossible).

You're not alone in feeling like this, but there's not much any of us can do. It's strange, and I get where you're coming from. Good luck

[Amathy]

Hello Blueballoon,

I often feel the same way as you do. How I feel about gender differs on the day, typically between a feminine man or agender. I spent a few months trying to figure it out without success. I came to the conclusion that I'm happy being myself so I'm just going to be myself. I may not have a label for it and sometimes others may question that, but I'm not going to change myself to make other people satisfied. I'm just going to be happy being me. Sometimes it is hard to deal with the chest and voice dysphoria, but there's always something positive in my life if I look for it. I understand what you're going through and hope that you find some inner peace. Feel free to message me if you ever need to rant.

[dabishop]

As a genetic male with natural C-cups, I can sympathize.

And you're right about staying away from the hormones - 'T' usually increases libido and makes your face break out. Even if I *really* wanted to transition, I wouldn't go on estrogen; too risky for the heart, especially at my age.

Can't offer much more help than that...but the good news is, the voice is highly trainable, at any age. After a lot of practice and choral experience, I can manage a high A pretty consistently. ;)