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My wall may have been taken down a bit too much....


Skyla

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Hello everyone, here's a thanks in advance for any input or adivce you can give, and for reading this.

I've been getting comfortable lately at my school. I'm working hard, involved in many activities, and life just seems to be generally better from childhood years. In the past, I've dealt with people unaccepting of my anime fandoms and general outcastedness. I used to just sit in a classroom and at reccess, watching the others kids interact with each other. I would speak in casual conversation and rarely initiated a conversation. I was pretty happy to be in my own little world. I could be who I wanted to be, I felt accepting of myself even if others didn't, and I generally regarded the others kids as immature. Being on my own is nothing new to me; in fact, I like it better because nobody can judge you but you.

When it was time for us to graduate, the principle told me something I never forgot. He told me that he was afraid I wouldn't make friends in high school or later life because I have been putting up a "wall". He saw that when people picked on me, I shut them out instantly; I didn't let anyone get close to me that wasn't friendly. I believe I had done this because I knew who was and wasn't friendly, and already being shut out already, it didn't matter if no one wanted to be my friend.

But now, I have many more friends and people to talk to. I've been opening up more and more to people, and now I'm just an average, friendly anime fan that gets extremely good grades. My life has been cruising along just fine. When I found out I was asexual, I was mortified at the definition at first. I've grown to accept it more and more throughout the days. So now that I've been comfortable for a while, this "wall" has been torn down brick by brick. I now see the kindness and caring in other people, and I've learned not everybody wants to watch the world burn.

I think I've got to a point in my life where I'm satisfied, and I don't want things to change. But the problem is, as we grow, we end up changing ourselves - we get older and our bodies change as we age. We generally think differently about relationships, and people become more grown on the idea of finding a partner in life.

Except for me.

Even with making friends, my interest in dating has still never been the same as others. Is it childish to still believe that dating is gross? I guess so. But it's not hugging, kissing, or any of that stuff that makes it gross - it's you know what asexuals DONT want - sex.

So I've been living in a sort of bubble, for lack of a word, still watching how other people interact with each other. I clap when my friends find someone successfully they want to date, and encourage them to talk to their crushes if they are still shy. I support them every bit of the way to finding someone later on in life. It's what more people naturally want, and I just kind of viewed the world as ignoring me. I always thought that since I didn't want to date, I was ALWAYS taken out of the equation. No one ever asked me, no one ever cared. I guess I forgot other people can have similar feelings my friends have to their crushes to me.

And now it just so happens that someone does, confirmed, has a crush on me. This person isn't mean nor bad, it's not them I have a problem with. It's myself.

Everyday this week I've known this, I've been cursing myself for attracting such a nice person. I would consider dating if it wasn't for one teensy little detail - my sexuality. I feel that my sexuality would crush this person's heart into millions of little pieces. But if they do ask me out, I don't want to be the cause of someone having depression because I said no. I don't want to be heartbreaker....but either way is inevitable. I want to protect this person from heartbreak, but I know I physically can't control others feelings. I feel like a jerk if I say no, but I also feel like a liar if I say yes. When someone hears you're not interested in that sort of stuff, they laugh. Many still do not understand. This person has told many people at their job about their crush on me, some even reporting to me (I know only because of these people). I think their trying to test people to see what my answer is, but in reality only 3 people know I am asexual. It's a secret I plan on keeping, since I do NOT want to deal with more teasing and outcasting.

It's so confusing for me. Why do they find me so appealing? Why not someone else? I'm more of a sidelines kind of thing, not the main event. I never viewed myself as attractive nor likeable enough to date. I'm very emotional and I've cried many times during the day when I get a bad grade or something. This person has at least seen me cry once, so why do they still want me?

It's been killing me lately. My family knows this person likes me, and EVERYBODY but the few people who know the TRUE situation are pressuring me to say 'yes.' I know they all want the best for me, but I feel very ignored. Isn't it my own choice whether to date or not? I would feel selfish giving this person even 1 date, because I know in the future I can't replicate certain feelings. And if I were to go one 1 date, what if I ended up REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, liking this person? I don't know how to turn people down, I get really embarassed really fast when it comes to these kinds of things. I'm so scared that I'll faint in front of everybody if I ever heard the question come off the tip of their tongue.

I feel so selfish for saying no, but also selfish if I said 'yes' and made them put up with MY own terms. But I also view it as selfish for them to even want me or if they ever wanted me to put up with having sex. It's a dead-end relationship, but I feel bad for saying no......this person's crush appears to be getting bigger.

I just wish things would stay the same, where they would be too afraid to confess and I could be naive, unknowing of this.....maybe I should put up another wall. Did I take it down too much??


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I wouldn't say you've done anything wrong, I think it is probably best that you took down your wall. However, I'm afraid probably the best way to deal with this is to let them know the predicament in some way. Or, at least, that's how I see it. That way, if sex is really THAT important to them, they'll be like "never mind!" and all will be well. If sex isn't that big of a deal they'd be like "That's alright, I'll live" and all will be well. It kind of leaves it up to them. That way, you know that you aren't cheating them or yourself out of anything. This is, of course, if you actually like the idea of dating this person. I mean if you see it as a possibility that you could really like them and want to date them, I would do what I mentioned above. Otherwise, you might just have to let them down easy. I can't think of any other way to respond without telling them a little bit about your sexuality (maybe not with exact terminology, but maybe that you aren't planning on having sex for a really long time or something?).

Of course, this is all from someone who's only ever dated one person and it ended disastrously, so take my advice with a grain of salt ^_^. I hope it works out for you!

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Hi Hanbei, from what you've said, it doesn't sound to me like you've taken down your walls too much. It always seems like a precarious balancing act to me, between being totally transparent and being totally walled off. Also between being totally selfish and totally ignoring your own needs. I guess there's a time and a place for everything, and maintaining a healthy balance seems difficult for many (myself included). Over time though, I've noticed that the people who seem to have what I want (open, honest relationships) are the ones who have let their walls down some. Of course, they're more vulnerable to being hurt, but they're also more likely to find what they are looking for if they're open to others and to new possibilities. It also seems like there's a need to constantly define boundaries when one starts to let their walls down too. Because you and others around you are treading on new territory, it's important to express your needs and desires as well as consider the needs and desires of others. It sounds like if you're just honest with your friends and this particular person, that's all you can do :)

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How well do you know/trust this guy? I feel like a great deal of your stress could potentially be alleviated if you just sat him down and talked to him about everything you're saying here. It doesn't have to be a "date" necessarily. I feel like, though, that you both should at least be given the chance to know who you're both dealing with, before you try to decide for him on what he should do regarding his feelings for you.

Not saying that it will necessarily happen here, but sometimes having to let people down is inevitable. Being able to do it and being able to tolerate it are both important relationship skills. People can generally handle being let down better than you may think, as long as you aren't being cruel about it. But, you don't sound like you would be cruel about it considering all the guilt you seem to be experiencing.

Finally, everything we do is selfish in at least a little way. We are always looking out for ourselves, even if it's just the sense that doing selfless acts helps us to feel better about ourselves. Avoiding selfishness is something you can't really do >_> All we can do is try to keep it in moderation and try not to have it affect others in too much of a negative way.

This person has at least seen me cry once, so why do they still want me?

Seeing people in their vulnerable moments can be a window into what they're fully like. It's not like crying is some inherently negative thing!

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If his crush is only sexual, then it is good he doesn't get into relationship with you. Go ahead, and tell him about your asexuality. If he goes ahead, give it a try. But never give in to any of his sexual acts even if they mean nothing to you.

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I would say be upfront with your asexuality, and if he is still interested, give it a shot. You are making a lot of assumptions without talking with him. Not every guy needs sex. Perhaps he is on the ace spectrum too?

You do not need to have a traditional 'dating' relationship either. Just communicate what you want and don't want in the relationship, and see if you can negotiate something that makes you both happy. If it works out, great! If it doesn't, at least you know you gave it a try, and won't always be wondering what could have been.

Just don't let him pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do.

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Ricecream-man

The way I see it you have 3 major options.

1. Say No, let him down easy however you can.

2. Say yes, but hide your asexuality. Things like I want wait until marriage, I believe in celibacy, etc. etc.

3. Say yes and FIRMLY, I repeat firmly explain your sexuality. If that person is male, he may not be able to truly comprehend it at first. He'll brush it off thinking all virgins are scared at first and it's not an issue.

Females will either be okay with it for a long time (inexperienced), or think they're okay with it and then be insulted/hurt later (experienced).

Or you could find the rare breed that understands and accepts it completely

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Contrary to what society says, dating doesn't have to be about sex. In my humble opinion, it shouldn't be. And there are sexual people that exist who do not have sexual dating relationships. So unless you plan on getting married or he's a pushy sexual, it shouldn't really be an issue. As the other posters said, talk with him the things you are telling to us. Tell him your sexuality and/or values, and if he doesn't respect it/them, you havn't lost anything. He's the one that's lost. But if he accepts it and you genuinely like being around him, or crush on him or are ok with trying out the dating thing, I see no reason why it wouldn't work. Just be open and honest and you'll get your answer in his reaction.

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Just tell her you aren't interested in a relationship, that way she doesn't think you don't like her, just relationships in general.

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Thank for the responses, I have read them all.

How well do you know/trust this guy? I feel like a great deal of your stress could potentially be alleviated if you just sat him down and talked to him about everything you're saying here.

I don't know this person very well at all. It's the occasional conversation here and there really. That's why I don't intend on telling them about my sexuality - that's something that not everybody is open to. I also view it as something you don't typically speak about. I understand many asexuals take alot of pride and can be up front about it; me, I'm waiting to give it a little time before declaring any such thing to the public. There's still much immaturity and controversity over the issue, so I'm going to wait and see what happens to how others treat asexuals. As I mentionted before, I am sick of being teased and I believe it's OKAY to keep it confidential.

Contrary to what society says, dating doesn't have to be about sex. In my humble opinion, it shouldn't be. And there are sexual people that exist who do not have sexual dating relationships. So unless you plan on getting married or he's a pushy sexual, it shouldn't really be an issue.

I agree with this statement. I believe that only married couples should engage in any such activity. However, I don't plan on doing it at all.

My view on this issue is that I do not plan to get married. It's not because I don't want to find someone, I just don't think I'd ever find the right person to comly with my views. I'm also okay with being alone (at least for now). But I would never want to sacrifice that part of me (selfish much?) for someone else, or to let someone else sacrifice for my sake. Marriage is all about sacrifice. I don't want that kind of commitment. But I think it would be nice to find someone. Finding someone you can trust and be loyal to is obviously coveted by many, including myself. But I'm not that greedy to make another go along with my wishes if they want someone else, and I hate giving up my end. I'm selfless in every other way though. I would find other ways to show and declare my undying love if I ever did meet the right person. However, I'm a dreamer as well as more realistic, and I know it's a dream that can never be fulfilled. So I'm already accepting of the consequences of being alone, but that doesn't mean I can't find other things to do. I can always make new friends and spend time with them.

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