Living With an Asexual Spouse

[NewView]

I'm new to the forum, a heterosexual male coming to terms with an asexual spouse, who I perceive has barely come to terms with it herself. I am long over any bitterness toward her because of a lack of sex, or of thinking there is something "wrong" with her. I accept her for who she is.

Because I would think it wrong to ask her to do something she does not want to do, I no longer initiate sex, and we often don't have intercourse for months. I will deal with how that is affecting me in another post. Right now, I need to know how I can support her and make her feel comfortable with who she is and how it will affect our relationship in the long term. She has resisted talking about it and at this point will not seek any professional advice or therapy. Maybe I should just accept that.

Perhaps some background would help. We have one child together and have been married over 10 years. We both have successful business careers, and I had been divorced a few years when we met. I was attracted to her not only physically, but because she was a strong woman who had established herself. She was in her late 20s, had never been married, and had not dated seriously since college. Her sexual experience was limited, and she was open about that with me. As much as she has opened up to me, she honestly thought that with the right partner she would "blossom" sexually. There was also some pressure from her traditional family to get married and start a family. It took several years of marriage, with some frustration on both of our parts, before she began to share her feelings about sexuality, and then it was always cloaked in ambiguous terms. Of course, I suspected she was asexual, because I knew she was not gay, and I believed her when she said it was not my appearance or personality that caused her to not be attracted to me.

We have a "de facto" understanding about her asexuality. She does not want to discuss it anymore. She wants our relationship to continue, and so do I, but I think that, perhaps, she needs to explore and understand her asexuality more. Of course, that is my opinion and who am I to say what she needs to do to accept and understand herself? Perhaps I should support her and accept our relationship as it is and not concern myself with her level of acceptance. Is it possible she is doing just fine?

Advice or observations?

[Sally]

I'm wondering why you want to discuss it further. It sounds like she knows how she feels, and you know how she feels, so why would you feel that she might have a problem in accepting who/what she is? if she is asexual and knows that, she would not need therapy any more than you would need therapy for being sexual. Asexuality is not a condition that needs therapy; it's an orientation.

What you might need to do is think about whether you can accept this relationship as it is, because it must have an effect on you. Do you think you might need support in doing so? .

[NewView]

What you might need to do is think about whether you can accept this relationship as it is, because it must have an effect on you. Do you think you might need support in doing so? .

Yes, and I am speaking with a professional about it and learning a great deal reading discussions here and educating myself about it from other sources.

I did not mean to imply that she would need therapy just because she is asexual, no more than a heterosexual, homosexual, transsexual or any sexual person would need therapy for their orientation. It is probably just me being over-concerned for her welfare and also transferring my issues to her. I agree with you that I should deal with how it will affect me and my part in our relationship. I am long over any resentment I once had, and just need to be honest with myself and her on how I can be a good partner. All relationships have issues or involve areas where adjustments must be made. I am just not persuaded on if and how I can adjust in this one.

[Ficulnean]

Hello. Since she doesn't seem to be open to talking to you about things that she sees as her problems, I would recomend that you phrase it as regards yourself.

Say things like "I need to know that I'm supporting you". Not, "what support do you need", or "what you I need to do to support you". So long as you you see the difference between the first and second of those (and to a lesser degree the third) then you get the giest of my advice.

[WünderBâhr]

I think it is also important to recognize your needs, as well. It seems that you are doing so, to some extent, by referencing the previous resentment you had earlier in the relationship. You can still accept who she is and be supportive while still voicing the support you need. It is great that you are trying to learn how to better support her and talking with a professional. I think that it's also understandable that you are curious as to how things are developing for her. You are her partner, after all. Her growth and evolution as an individual would naturally have an effect on the relationship, as well.

However, it sounds like she doesn't want to only be summed up by her (a)sexuality, and it might be prudent to allow her that space to figure things out on her own. Let her know you're there for her, and that you want to be a good partner, while still participating in the relationship as an individual with your own thoughts, feelings and needs. Look at your own evolution and what you think and feel about that. Share with her, as you feel comfortable. Enjoy the other aspects of having a loving partner whom you can share a life with. :)

If the time comes that she feels like being more open, or willing to talk about it, directly, you can always point her to the resources you've found, and what has helped you--not from a view of her needs, but from your own.

Best of luck, and welcome to the community!

**

Moved to the Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[intoronto]

I am new to this forum.

I am married to a asexual woman and I am not a asexual person. It had been very very tough.

We had two kids, aged 21 and 18. I stuck around in this marriage because of the kids. For eighteen years, we had no sex. Finally I went to a therapist. I am seeking help now. I met two therapists. One suggested that I take on a mistress. The other suggested that we have an open marriage and she asked my wife whether she would consider an open marriage. My wife replied she would let go of me and let me have a divorce. I have been faithful to my wife, but it has been very hard. I just go to massage place and have the attendants masturbate me and I have done that for years so I can at least stay in the marriage, but it is hard.

I can relate to the person that started this thread.

[gablesgirl22]

For us, coming to grips with who we both are is something that we each have to take responsibility for. All we can do is love and support each other on that journey. I am very sexual, he is asexual. Alone, as individuals, there is no issue. Who we both are is awesome. It's the dissonance and mismatch that happens when we are together that we have to work through and that often made us feel there was something wrong with one or both of us. This was especially hard before we knew about the different sexual orientations, because without context, these issues are relationship enders. So, IMO all we can do is the following: 1. Be honest with ourselves, honor and love who we are as individuals. We have to love our own sexual orientation first. Otherwise we can't accept anyone else. 2. Love who our spouse is. For them. No matter what that means for the future of the relationship. Even if, heaven forbid, everyone wants it to work and it just doesn't, honor each other as a person, first, without reference to anything else. Love them with and for their sexual orientation. Not in spite of it. 3. Focus on a relationship connection that honors you BOTH. For me, I felt like we had violated him for so long, all I wanted to do was focus on getting things right immediately. Making equal space for him to be who he is. That happened instantly, as soon as we realized he was asexual. And he immediately felt the relief of that. What was harder for me was looking at my own need in relationship to this new information. That was scary, and in many ways, harder to address. 4. Commit to being honest, and taking responsibility for what happens when you are not honest. We are working hard to take what the other says at face value. If one of us lies or withholds needs, that's on us, not the other person. We are responsible for what the other person tells us, not reading their mind. And so we each work to honor what the other tells us, period. 5. Learning to let the other be in pain in front of us without altering reality in quick fix, easy ways that just make us feel better in the moment and don't actually address the deeper issues that the hurt comes from is a very hard thing. But when we can let the other person and ourselves be in pain in front of each other and just be together without "fixing it", we both feel a lot safer being honest. We have demonstrated that we can handle the hard things the other is experiencing. When we can't, we both just feel alone, and like we have to hide from each other. One of the things that really helps with this process is understanding that none of this is personal in many ways. It has nothing to do with me at all that my husband is asexual. And my sexuality has nothing to do with him. So when we have needs related to the mismatch in our sexual orientations, it isn't personal. But it is practical. And looking at it that way allows us to keep the problem from being between us, and instead, as something we are facing, standing side by side, and working on as something "out there". It still hurts sometimes, often more than I can even express. But it doesn't break our teamwork. We are still a connected team facing a challenge. It is when we let it in, let it between us, make it personal, that it gets really difficult.

[intoronto]

Gablegirl22,

How do you have your needs met? (your point #3) Do you have kids?

Must be really really hard. Do you have an open relationship? Ours is not open.

[gablesgirl22]

We do have kids, two little girls, 3 and 5. Getting my needs met is definitely the thing that is the most challenging, in many ways for both of us. Our relationship really isn't missing anything for him. And I, quite frankly, hate that I'm the one that could mess all the happy up. Our children are so happy and he is so happy. I am the one with the needs and the one whose "not ok" can threaten to make everyone "not ok" as well. However, I have seen over and over again, in marriages that fall apart for reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with asexuality or sexuality, every member of the marriage and the family has to be equally honored to keep the family as a whole healthy and strong. All of us can take a turn not having our needs met for a time, and not having who we are understood or valued. But if that is the norm, if that is what our family dynamic relies on, then it will, in the end, fail. Wanting to stay in my marriage because I love my husband so much does not turn me into a super hero. My willingness gives us a chance to find ways to meet my needs in the same way everyone else's needs are honored and prioritized. In the end, if we don't do that, none of us will be ok, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise. And it's not because my needs are more important than anyone else's. It's just that happens to be where the need and weak spot in our family is right now, so that's where we work to apply the strength.

I posted this on another thread and also as it's own post, but just so you don't have to go digging, here is our approach to making sure my sexual needs are met. It is very much a fluid document, and we keep working on it as we go along and learn more about what works and what doesn't. In addition to this, we have also seen a sex counselor twice and we are planning to work with a regular counselor in the new year. This really just gives us a designated space to talk, so that life can't overwhelm us and make us feel like there is no time or space to work on this stuff. It also always us to develop new skills. We are two people, living, in many ways, in foreign countries. There are things we will never understand like "natives". He will never get "native" sexual things, and I will never get "native" asexual things, at least not in the deep way we understand our own orientations. BUT we can develop skills that help us understand and navigate those new worlds, and so that is what we are committed to doing. :)

Anyway, here's our plan as it currently stands:)

" For what it's worth, my husband and I came up with a kind-of 'divide and conquer' approach to my sexuality and our sexual interaction as a couple. We look at it kind of like a city powered by lots of rivers. For most people, sexuality is a main river that sources the city with a ton of power. Therefore, sexual couples benefit a lot by finding ways to increase the force of those rivers into the city. For those of us who are sexual and married or in relationships with aces, our rivers, or at least mine, tends to flood our city and destroy all the happy villagers:) So for us, finding ways to divert that river is the healthiest thing for our little town. We are still working out how to do that, and are definitely still figuring stuff out. We do, however, have this open document that we can both edit that outlines where the focus of our intimacy is, what role sex plays in our marriage, all the different parts of my sexuality and the associated needs, as well as options for how those needs can be met. It has made me feel a lot freer, and like I actually have viable outlets. Before we started to put it together, I outlined, for myself, the different dimensions of my sexuality. For me personally the list included the following aspects: spiritual connection, emotional connection, a bridge to deeper intimacy, biological drive, stress relief, the thrill of the game (see below), the ability to relinquish control, and a few other things. Using that as a guide, we outlined ways each of those needs could be met. Like ingredients for moose munch, the parts do not equal the whole. You can eat white chocolate, popcorn, almonds and M & M's separately and they are really good. When you melt them all together though, you have something that is so good you should really only eat it at holidays:) It would be awesome to get it all in one place. I would love that. But that's not our life, so we are working really hard to be creative in our approach and see where it takes us. Here is kind-of an outline of what we have going:

1. We started by outlining what place sex and sexuality holds in our relationship- it's a small side component for us

2. We outlined how we generally experience intimacy and where we will look for and invest most heavily- companionship is where it's at for us

3. We acknowledged that sexual intimacy is always going to be a really important expression of love for me, and so should still be included in our interactions, as long as we always value and honor our different sexual orientations in the process.

4. We also agreed that beyond that, I need outlets for the parts of my sexuality that we can't share together. Things that honor our relationship and our commitment and still give me some freedom and outlet options.

5. We came up with a comprehensive list of sexual outlets for me that are just mine, (i.e not things we have to do together but things I can choose to do whenever I want to). Each addresses a different dimension of my sexuality:

- The Eucharist- Yep, I am starting with the one that is going to seem the weirdest!!! We are Catholic, and I am not going to try and make this make sense, because I think it either does or it doesn't. But somehow, and I don't understand it, but somehow, I personally find the spiritual part of my sexual needs addressed when I take the Eucharist. Lol, I feel like I should try to explain that more, but honestly....it wouldn't help so I am just going to move on:)

- Working out- addresses stress relief and endorphin rush cravings

- Arm wrestling buddy- this one is something that is definitely edgy, but that we are experimenting with. If you were really into arm wrestling, and you took your opponent to the table every single time instantly with no competition at all, it would be really unsatisfying. One of the things that I crave in my sexuality is that push back. Feeling the other person meet you and give as much as they get so to speak. Someone who it will take skill and all your strength to "beat". The give and take, back and forth part where both people instinctually know what to do next. So that is an area that is naturally tough for us. Tough for me to have satisfied and hard for him to simulate on a regular basis. So we came up with this idea to address that. We have agreed that finding an online arm-wrestling buddy is an acceptable outlet. Something that is purely chat based, no real names, no in-person contact. Just the outlet of a shared interest in the surface level enjoyment of being desired, not focused on a deeper connection or anything at all meaningful beyond pure sexual attraction and sexual outlet. We set-up parameters that made us both feel comfortable: Complete honesty. Nothing hidden, shameful or secret. My husband can read or ask about anything he wants to at any time, can access convos on his own, and will never be out of the loop if he wants to know anything, though generally he will probably choose out-of-the-loopness. Our hard line is nothing in person, and no actual physical contact. We also have other guidelines like not talking to other people when we are hanging out and if it starts making things in our relationship weird, we reassess and make changes accordingly. It honestly feels so good to have some kind of option that lets me have that back and forth, but with the safety of anonymity, and the complete openness that removes shame, guilt, deception and the violation of trust. Even if we have to adjust these initial guidelines or throw it out altogether, it's still really cool to have this option to explore.

- "Solo time" whenever I want it:) Lol, probably will just leave it at that lol.

6. We also outlined how we would approach our sexual relationship:

- Take responsibility for giving each other good information. If one of us isn't straight with the other and lies or misleads about a need or doesn't mention it, that is on them, not the other person. We are totally honest and up front with each other, and take what the other person says at face value, trusting them to communicate accurately about themselves.

-Frequent open and honest communication. We have been learning a lot about letting each other feel sad or whatever openly and not feeling the other person should jump to fix it. It turns out letting people feel hard emotions without just trying to fix it all and instead simply being present is hard. But when it happens, it is really really amazing and extremely freeing because all the sudden you don't have to hide from each other any more.

- Have all the fun we possibly can all the time we can have it! Put tons of energy into feeling connected in ways that make us both really happy, whatever that happens to be at the time. If there are sexual things that make both of us happy, do it! If there are non-sexual things that make both of us happy, do those too!

- Sex once or twice a month- we have decided to schedule this pretty intentionally, with specific dates. That way I know how long I need to wait and he can get his head into the game so to speak.

- Husband assisted personal time for me a couple times a month:)- I need to feel overpowered sometimes. I am fairly on top of things and in control most of the time, and there are some things we do in the bedroom that let me kind-of let go and loose control in a way that I find really really stress-relieveing and freeing. And he finds those activities pretty fun too, for kind-of different reasons than I do, but as we are both having fun, who cares? :) So we are, again, going to schedule this very specifically, so we both have the same expectations. Obviously giving grace when things have to move around, but if a date does get moved, we are specifically rescheduling it for an actual date, not just saying, 'catch you later'.

- Keep praying together- I started the list with some of our God stuff and I figured I'd just end it that way too:) Always a good option and keeps us centered in what we truly value most deeply.

So anyway, I don't know if that sounds too intense or edgy or if it doesn't seem like a workable option for anyone but us. But I will say that having this all written down and getting to engage so openly and honestly has been amazing for both of us. As I said before, I really did feel super trapped in my sexuality before, and as the tension built up...all the hard thoughts got harder. Now I feel like I have space to breathe. I have options. And that is amazing for me, for him, and for our relationship. :) I'd love to hear what others are doing as well!!!!"