Jump to content

Coming out to my Fiance


Rukisa

Recommended Posts

TW: rape



There is a lot I need to talk about, and I was recently introduced to AVEN and thought maybe you guys could help me out.



I have struggled with my sexuality for years. Like most people, I denied ever being anything other than straight, but I soon realized I really liked girls as well. So for awhile I identified as Bisexual, I even came out to my parents as such. More recently I learned about Pansexuality and thought I was Pan. Then I learned there's a completely difference between sexual attraction and romantic attraction and I was very confused. When I learned about the difference between sexual and romantic attraction, I realized that maybe my feelings towards people might be more of a romantic level.



I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend (let's call him Joe) for 5 years and we have gotten into many arguments about how infrequently we have sex. I love cuddling, but anything more than that is just... blah. I can't stand making out (it's sooooo gross.) We only have sex every few months or so. Basically on anniversaries and birthdays, when I feel that we're supposed to be having sex so that we can be a "normal" couple. I've explained to Joe how I just don't feel like having sex or making out, and that even though it feels good, it sometimes feels like a "chore" to me. I know he gets frustrated at how infrequently we have sex. I try to explain to him that I still love him and that I don't feel any different towards him than I did from the beginning of our relationship. I think he feels that my lack of sex drive is reflective of how I feel about him.



I have not had a good history with relationships. I was raped by my first boyfriend, and as a result, I was diagnosed with PTSD. My bf before Joe was abusive in so many ways and seemed to used my PTSD against me, in a way that sex was only about him. On the anniversary of my rape, the previous boyfriend (not Joe) convinced me to have sex with him for the first time, "Let's make this bad anniversary a good one."



Joe has always been supportive of my PTSD. He listens to my struggles and gives me space if I need it. But because of these past relationships, I've always seemed to have intimacy issues. But it's been years since I was raped, I know I'm healing, and over time I've gotten progressively better. I love cuddling and spooning and all that stuff, and I think if I was still struggling with intimacy that maybe I wouldn't want to be touched in that way.



Sometimes I feel broken. And sometimes it's hard to distinguish if my current nonsexual feelings are a result of the previous relationships, or if Ace is who I am. I do masturbate from time to time, often I'll do it if I can't sleep or if it's cold and I want to warm up. When I look back on things in my previous relationships, I think I've always felt this way about sex. I've never initiated sex with someone, I don't like making out, I'd rather cuddle than do the nasty.



I know and understand that you can't tell me if I am asexual or not, that's okay. I am pretty sure I am ace, at least Gray-A. My problem is that I have not talked to Joe about the idea of me being asexual. I'm not sure how to bring it up with him. He and I just got engaged in August, and I really can't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone other than Joe.



But now I've come to this realization that I might be asexual, and it's really difficult for me because I know it's going to probably be hard on our relationship... Do we still have a chance? I mean, I'm sex-positive, so I don't mind having sex with him to keep him happy. It feels good after all, but I feel so guilty when I push him away or turn him down when he tries to initiate it.



He loves that I find girls attractive, and I will talk to him all the time about it. I think it will be confusing for him for me to explain that I find someone's body asthetically pleasing, but not in a sexual way.



How do I talk to Joe about asexuality? How do I convince him that it's not that I'm not attracted to him, I'm just not attracted to sex?


Link to post
Share on other sites

There are some asexuals who are fine with having sex primarily to make their partners happy; some feel like it's a chore, but one they're willing to do, others can still get something out of it, like pleasure from their partner's. If that's going to be done, it shouldn't be done out of feeling obligated to.

In your case, it seems like you're only having sex with him, because you felt obligated to, like when you said you're supposed to on anniversaries or birthdays, and for the sake of appearing as a 'normal' couple.

I also find it troubling that he wanted to have sex with you on the anniversary of your rape, especially since you said that he convinced you into it. I don't know what your fiance's intentions were with that, but did that make the idea of sex worse for you?

If he wants to help you heal from the trauma you've been through, he has to listen to what you want, and what you say would help you, instead of making assumptions, and trying to make the decision for you.

I've seen many members here who doubt their asexuality because of past abuse, but if you don't experience any sexual attraction, your past doesn't invalidate that. You could identify as asexual, if you feel that label best describes your sexuality.

Showing him some information on asexuality may help, to show that you're not the only one who feels this way, that sexual attitudes (willingness to have sex or not), sexual attraction, aesthetic attraction, and romantic attraction are separate things. He might see them as being intertwined, and for a lot of non-asexuals, it does seem that way. However, societal norms about attraction are incorrect in saying that all the different types of attraction are one and the same.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also find it troubling that he wanted to have sex with you on the anniversary of your rape, especially since you said that he convinced you into it. I don't know what your fiance's intentions were with that, but did that make the idea of sex worse for you?

If he wants to help you heal from the trauma you've been through, he has to listen to what you want, and what you say would help you, instead of making assumptions, and trying to make the decision for you.

I'm sorry for the confusion, I didn't mean that Joe was the one who convinced me to have sex on the anniversary of my rape. It was my previous boyfriend before Joe. I've fixed the post so it's more clear.

Joe is actually very supportive of me and helping me heal, and giving me the space I need if PTSD is being a jerk.

I've noticed that AVEN has a section specifically targeted for sexual partners, and I think when I talk to him about it, I'll have the page handy for any questions I might not be able to answer.

Thank you for your help :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

I also find it troubling that he wanted to have sex with you on the anniversary of your rape, especially since you said that he convinced you into it. I don't know what your fiance's intentions were with that, but did that make the idea of sex worse for you?

If he wants to help you heal from the trauma you've been through, he has to listen to what you want, and what you say would help you, instead of making assumptions, and trying to make the decision for you.

I'm sorry for the confusion, I didn't mean that Joe was the one who convinced me to have sex on the anniversary of my rape. It was my previous boyfriend before Joe. I've fixed the post so it's more clear.

Joe is actually very supportive of me and helping me heal, and giving me the space I need if PTSD is being a jerk.

I've noticed that AVEN has a section specifically targeted for sexual partners, and I think when I talk to him about it, I'll have the page handy for any questions I might not be able to answer.

Thank you for your help :)

You're welcome!

Thanks for clarifying that part, because I misunderstood it. I'm glad to know that your fiance is very supportive. Your previous boyfriend was just incredibly selfish with what he did.

There might be some members who posted in the Sexual Partners board that Joe could relate to, and the pinned threads on that board are good resources too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't really know what to say. You must be going through hell worrying. The only thing I can say is be honest and prepared for any reaction. I agree that making it clear that it is not about how attractive you find him that is the issue. You can't help it. It is a part of you. I would personally in your shoes have some information sources for him to read to help him understand what it all means. It sounds like he loves you very much as that is an awesome starting point.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...