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Feeling guilty in mixed relationship


Icarium

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Seeking advice is hard for me, so I apologize if this is going to be a confusing rant.

I have been with my sexual boyfriend for a year and two months now. We are very much in love and are very happy. I told him I am asexual right away and he was (and is) very understanding and supporting. I am quite repulsed and not willing to do anything sexual. So our compromise consist of him being celibate which he says is not a problem for him. We also cuddle a lot and share lots of non-sexual touching. Despite being sex repulsed and very touch averse outside the relationship I enjoy being affectionate with my boyfriend.

He assured me that he is alright with being celibate, but I can’t help feeling selfish and guilty. I feel like I deprive him of a sexual life. I try not to think about it too much because it always makes me want to cry. This is not a big problem in our relationship, it’s more of a personal problem for me.

He never pressures me and is not frustrated but I know he would be happy if I would offer sexual favours. We talked about having a higher or lower libido a couple of days ago and I told him that he can excuse himself to the bathroom if he feels an urge to relief himself sexually. I am aware that people with a higher libido have to take care of it more often and as long as I don’t have to see it, it’s absolutely no problem for me. He declined the offer and said that would only be nice if I could lend a hand. While the image of giving a handjob is slightly less gross for me than engaging in other sexual things, it is still nothing I would be comfortable with so I am told him that. I don’t mind if he makes suggestions, I want to know what he would like after all.

But I really don’t feel like doing anything sexual. Ever. The thought of it grosses me out. I would rather spend my life alone. I just can’t do it, I would feel violated and used. I am 29 and I have never done anything sexual in my life. And I don’t want to for the rest of my life. An open relationship is also not an option for us.

My sex repulsion is not a result of abuse. I grew up in a loving home and had never anything bad happen to me. Someone tried to force a kiss on me once but that is about it. Still I am slightly scared of sexual people and someone showing an interest in me terrifies me. I am also terrified of being pressured, harassed or raped. I have social anxiety, so I guess that is the reason I am worrying so much.

That said, I don’t mind being asexual and repulsed. It is how I am and I accept that. I would never want to change who I am. I like being ace!

This is my first serious relationship. I had two relationships before but they were mostly online, so I don’t know if that counts? I did meet up with the second person for week though. The first relationship was purely online and with a man a couple of years older than me. I must have been 17 or 18 and never dated anyone before. The relationship lasted for a year before he broke off contact.

The second relationship was with a girl (I am biromantic) a few years younger than me. I think it started when I was 19. We had an off and on relationship for about 2 and a half years. During the last year we met for a week. She made some attempts to be more intimate which I ignored. It was not an easy week. She felt rejected and I felt pressured. Shortly after, I discovered she had several other girlfriends like me and broke it off.

During both relationships, I didn’t know I was ace but I did know that I don’t want to do anything sexual. I never outright told them that, but they sensed it anyway and it resulted in nothing but fights and problems. I thought it was my fault for not being able to give them what they wanted and it made me depressed and I felt broken for a long time. I don’t handle Break-Up’s well but I eventually realized it was for the best and moved on with my life.

Then I spend some years alone feeling I would just be a burden for someone else. And being disappointed two times made me want to be alone. After discovering Aven and learning that I am asexual (the relief!) I could finally make peace with myself and my bad relationship experiences. Shortly after I met my boyfriend and we became friends, which then developed in a relationship. I overcame my trust issues and I am now able to trust my boyfriend without question. This is the first time I feel truly happy and accepted.

But what can I do to stop feeling guilty? I don’t want to fall back into depression like I did in the past. I am in a healthy and happy relationship now, so I hope this won’t happen!

I also would like to do something special for my boyfriend. He does so much for me and I would like to do something really nice in return. Any ideas?

Well this got longer than I intended. I can always talk with my boyfriend about everything, and explained this to him too, but sometimes it is good to talk to someone you don’t know. Gives you a different perspective.

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You apparently have a VERY nice boyfriend, who is being honest with you when he tells you he does not mind that yours is a non-sexual relationship. Believe him. If he were feeling deprived or upset in any way, you would know it.

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Being the ace in a mixed relationship as well, I can definitely understand the feeling guilty thing. It's interesting though, because from my boyfriend and from posts I've seen on AVEN, the sexuals often feel guilty as well, even when they're doing everything right from our point of view.

It sounds like your boyfriend is being fantastic, so try not to feel guilty. He sounds like he's alright with it, so believe him. Like sally2 said, you'd probably know if he was feeling upset, so no use feeling guilty without a purpose!

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Thank you both :)

You apparently have a VERY nice boyfriend, who is being honest with you when he tells you he does not mind that yours is a non-sexual relationship. Believe him. If he were feeling deprived or upset in any way, you would know it.

Yes he is very nice :) I always joke that he is way too nice for his own good.

Being the ace in a mixed relationship as well, I can definitely understand the feeling guilty thing. It's interesting though, because from my boyfriend and from posts I've seen on AVEN, the sexuals often feel guilty as well, even when they're doing everything right from our point of view.

It sounds like your boyfriend is being fantastic, so try not to feel guilty. He sounds like he's alright with it, so believe him. Like sally2 said, you'd probably know if he was feeling upset, so no use feeling guilty without a purpose!

He doesn't seem to feel guilty. In the beginning he was worried of crossing my boundaries and hugs and cuddles were rather awkward but now we are really comfortable around each other. I will speak with him about it though :)

I will try and feel better about it. Maybe I am just too impatient.

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That's awesome you have such an understanding and patient boyfriend, and I think he's being honest too. I understand why you feel guilty, or feel like you're 'depriving' him, but it sounds like from his perspective, he doesn't feel that way. Having sex might not be much of a priority for him, within a relationship, or in general. There are non-asexual people who feel that way, and would be perfectly fine not having sex.

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That's awesome you have such an understanding and patient boyfriend, and I think he's being honest too. I understand why you feel guilty, or feel like you're 'depriving' him, but it sounds like from his perspective, he doesn't feel that way. Having sex might not be much of a priority for him, within a relationship, or in general. There are non-asexual people who feel that way, and would be perfectly fine not having sex.

Thank you :) Yes, I think having sex is not very high on his list of priorities ^^ Well he said he would be happy if we were sexually active, but he also said he prefers cuddling. It is confusing sometimes ;)

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You're so lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Even though I love my bf and wouldn't trade him for the world, we both wish were were in a more or less sexual relationship so it's difficult.

Don't feel guilty since he's not complaining about it. He'll tell you if he wants something from the relationship that's not already being given.

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It sounds ideal, especially for someone as repulsed as you are. I have the same level of repulsion, sort of, but my last partner didn't take that really well. He told me it was fine, but guilt me into feeling guilty and bad and broken about/from it (I didn't know I was ace back then). What I mean is: if he really was disappointed or if you were depriving him and he wanted it and didn't completely agree the the compromise you're on, you'd know it. I knew that he had a problem, my then-partner was a manipulative person, so he tried to make me feel bad.

If you've been together for over a year now, you'd know it if he wanted you to feel guilty. It sounds like he doesn't, that he likes you for who you are, and the relationship as it is. I would try to try to worry less and just enjoy being together! :)

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You're so lucky to have him as a boyfriend. Even though I love my bf and wouldn't trade him for the world, we both wish were were in a more or less sexual relationship so it's difficult.

Don't feel guilty since he's not complaining about it. He'll tell you if he wants something from the relationship that's not already being given.

Thank you :) I feel very lucky indeed and I never thought something good like that would happen to me. My respect to you, I don't think I could be in a relationship were me being ace might be a problem. I hope you two can sort out your difficulties :) :cake:

It sounds ideal, especially for someone as repulsed as you are. I have the same level of repulsion, sort of, but my last partner didn't take that really well. He told me it was fine, but guilt me into feeling guilty and bad and broken about/from it (I didn't know I was ace back then). What I mean is: if he really was disappointed or if you were depriving him and he wanted it and didn't completely agree the the compromise you're on, you'd know it. I knew that he had a problem, my then-partner was a manipulative person, so he tried to make me feel bad.

If you've been together for over a year now, you'd know it if he wanted you to feel guilty. It sounds like he doesn't, that he likes you for who you are, and the relationship as it is. I would try to try to worry less and just enjoy being together! :)

Ugh I understand what you mean! My former "partners" did the same thing! And as you, I didn't know I was ace back then and felt really bad. Finding Aven made everything better and I am not going to make that mistake again.

I really hope that I will know it when he felt not happy in the relationship. He is that kind of person that will do a lot to make a loved one happy. Even if that means being unhappy yourself. But he does seem to be happy so that is good.

Yes, in the time we were together he seemed really fine with it, but what if he changes his mind one day? Well I guess worrying over that is pointless :/

I will hopefully listen to your advice and enjoy our time together :)

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brbdogsonfire

You have to trust your partner in this. If he says he is OK he is OK. This sounds like a good relationship so I hope his needs don't change. I wish I could be OK with celibacy like he is it would make it so Much easier.

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You have to trust your partner in this. If he says he is OK he is OK. This sounds like a good relationship so I hope his needs don't change. I wish I could be OK with celibacy like he is it would make it so Much easier.

Thanks. I do trust him more than anyone else. It is a very good relationship and I hope his needs doesn't change too. I am sorry to hear that you are struggling but I guess sexuals who are really ok with being celibate are very rare. It is not your fault to be who you are.

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