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New Asexual: Am I Really?


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So, as of around a year ago, I started dating the most wonderful man in the world. (I'm a chick.) Early in, he shared with me that he was asexual, which made me panic at first: I thought he was telling me that he was gay and not interested in me. After asking some friends and the Google what an asexual was, I found out that it wasn't that at all. He was just setting the expectations.

I never really knew that there was a such thing as an asexual man, until that point. I've been in some sexually abusive relationships, so I was more than happy to leave all that behind. In my research, I found that I really identified with what was being described. Since I was 16, I've always felt rather disgusted by sex. I was told by everyone around me that it was something I would 'grow out of.' After some real soul searching, I honestly believe that I am asexual.

I'm not sure if I really qualify as asexual or as graysexual, though. My boyfriend is the only man I've ever really found 'sexy,' as far as I understand the term. Mostly, I don't think I would mind sleeping with him and I think he's super attractive. I've had slept with men before, but I was kinda badgered into it. Does that make me a graysexual? Or even a sexual? The only thing close to my attraction to him is the 'Ooh. Pretty' reaction I have to women. Most guys just don't do it for me.

I guess I'm mostly looking for outside support and guidance. If nothing else, so that I have a better idea of how to have the strongest relationship with my asexual boyfriend.

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Just because you slept with other men before does not immediately mean that you're sexual. Like you said, you feel that you were badgered into it, so I think that most of the time it wasn't enjoyable since you've thought sex is disgusting. You could be demi, where you only experience sexual attraction to someone unless there is a strong emotional connection (that's what it sounds like to me). Don;t take my word for that though, it's always good to keep exploring and finding out more aobut yourself ^_^

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There are different types of attraction; sexual, sensual (not including sexual; just kissing, holding hands, etc.), romantic, aesthetic. And none of them have to be felt at the same time. Your "sexy" and "ooh pretty" sound like aesthetic attraction.

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I'm pretty new to this as well, but I had very similar experiences to you so thought I'd post :) I had several heterosexual relationships where I had sex and always assumed I was sexual. I think you have to, because you're not told that there's any other way to be, so you just try to unconsciously fit into that label. I felt like my experience was different to most people, but people told me I'd 'grow out of it', which just left me feeling immature and broken somehow when I never did.

I learned to have sex and have sometimes enjoyed it, but on reflection I don't think I ever actually experienced sexual attraction to any of my partners. I never looked at them and thought 'I want to have sex with you'. I can find someone aesthetically attractive, but like you that's more often women than men.

I feel like 'not minding' having sex is different to actively wanting to have sex with someone (as you're sexually attracted to them). I'd say with the partners that I have had sex with it's been a similar kind of feeling (I don't mind it, rather than I want it). I still identify as ace since it's the attraction that defines your sexuality, rather than your behaviour :)

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Thank you all for responding! You've all been very reassuring. So I think that I am asexual, but just have aesthetic and sensual attraction to my boyfriend.

I think that I'll still have a lot to discover about myself.

Gosh. Why didn't I join this group sooner?

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Your sexual orientation isn't tied to your behavior, so you possibly could be asexual and still have had sex. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, or desire for partnered sex, while gray-asexuality is experiencing those only to a limited degree.

There are different kinds of attraction, and they can be separate from each other, like you could find him aesthetically attractive, without seeing him as sexually attractive.

Being disgusted by sex is sex-repulsion, which is separate from asexuality, though a large percentage of asexuals are sex-repulsed.

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