Aro or not aro ? Hmmm...

[010101001]

Hello there !

I registered yesterday (nice to meet you !) and I already posted a message about asexuality.

I've been exploring the forum since this morning and I encountered various enlightning posts. I'm trying to figure out my sexuality as well as my romantic orientation. That's why I try to read this and that and to ask questions (... sorry if I sound like an ignorant noob).

I'm a 22 years old girl, almost 23.

I never dated someone, nor hugged, touched, etc... I just kissed a girl on the lips during a stupid game, but that's all.

I was aesthetically attracted to several boys in the past (when I was way younger) and I admit that I had fantasized about them, like holding hands (but not kissing, because it was too much of an adult thing for me (yeah, I was like that)).

I had a huge crush on a guy when I was 12, and it lasted 4 or 5 years. But the more I think about it, the more I tell myself that I was just aesthetically attracted by that guy and I convinced myself that I was in love.

I didn't think about dating him (at that age, I was thinking about Pokemon while other kids were already getting flirty).

I just think it was a shallow/aesthetic attraction that lasted longer than average (... I was obsessed about him).

Today, I'm a university student. I see people at university, but they're acquaintances and we get on well.

There is no one I'm attracted to.

I still never had a boyfriend and I haven't been looking for one (I just don't think about it + not interested + do no want to for several reasons).

I don't go out/hang out at all (may it be alone or with people). I only go out of my home when I need to, or when we go shopping for groceries with my mother (I'm still living with her).

My mother is worried about it. She suggested me that I should go out to meet people, and she told me that she was sad because I wasn't looking at all for friends (" actually, you're not looking at all for relationships " she told me something like that (I don't have any friends)).

Now she's more or less leaving me alone because I told her I didn't want to go out and I'm pleased the way I am or something like this (I'm used to be alone and I like it).

When I read some of you guys' answers in the " you know you're aromantic if/when ", I identified myself in some of these.

According to my research and the few things I read here, this might make me aromantic.

BUT I'm not sure at all.

Because I'm not rejecting the idea of falling in love (deep feelings, not just an aesthetic attraction) one day, and maybe dating that one and only person.

It sounds contradictory because I'm not thinking about dating in my daily life. It's just that I'm not throwing away this eventuality.

What are your opinions on this matter ? Do you think it's " possible " to be aromantic for a very long time but one day, to " become " romantic because of one person?

[K!m]

Welcome to AVEN!!

Yes it's possible to be romantic to one person and aromantic to everyone else. There exists an orientation in the aromantic spectrum called "demiromantic" in which a person becomes romantically attracted to someone only after they've created an emotional bond.

I can't tell you what your orientation is, and I'm no expert on demiromanticism, but my guess is that you could be demiromantic.

Hope I helped~ Good luck with figuring things out!

[010101001]

Thank you !!

That's interesting...

I'm going to do some more research about it.

[The Wreyck]

Hey! Welcome to AVEN, it's a wonderful place that I hope you come to love as much as we do.

The thing about aromanticism is.... It's confusing as heck. :D I've been a die hard aromantic for a long time now who just formed really strong platonic attachments to people and liked forming queerplatonic relationships, which are like uber friendships that kind of blur the lines between romance and friendship. And I was convinced that I was aromantic in a way that would never allow me to actually view anyone romantically, though I wasn't opposed to a QPR (queerplatonic relationship) with someone who romantically loved me as long as they understood my way of loving people and showing affection to them and were okay with it.

But guess what? A couple months ago I fell into romantic love! ^_^ K!m mentioned demi-romantic, which some aromantics switch to later in life, their uber friendship feels for someone turning into something more. That's not me. I barely knew this guy when I fell for him romantically. Literally, I'd known him for like 2 days. But I was obsessed with him in a way that I had never experienced, and my closest friend helped me figure it out that this might be considered what romantic love is. That's what I'm going with. So now I call myself grey-aromantic, which is like the romantic version of grey-asexual. It's totally a thing to only be able to be romantically attracted to one person ever, and I've since discovered a lot of people on AVEN like that. Or, there's the possibility that this ONE SPECIAL PERSON makes you go from aro to romantic, and maybe if that doesn't last you'll still find new romantic attractions in the futures. Really, when it comes to this stuff, just about anything is possible, and it's great. Love in all its forms is just great and fun to explore and experience.

Have fun exploring our forums and researching all this. You'll learn a lot, and the learning will never stop. Over a year later of spending WAY too much time scouring the internets about this stuff, and I'm still constantly learning new things. :D

[nanoCat]

It's okay to just settle on "I'm not really sure how I work yet because I don't have much experience with all of this", nobody will force us to adopt terms like romantic/aromantic/sexual/asexual in the end, we can simply be in the self-discovery stage where we don't know yet.

For myself, I don't know if I'm romantic or aromantic, demisexual or asexual with a libido. Honestly I don't even understand what 'romantic' implies, it seems absurdly subjective. In the end I realized trying to figure out which box I fit in was stressing me out more than just accepting that I'll make sense of it when I actually have relationships (any type). I'm similar to you in that I don't have friends and I don't get out. I have minimal material to understand where I fit in among all of these labels. No matter if you are technically X and become Y later, or if you were Y the whole time, or if you're both X and Y, or you are really Z which can seem like Y - in the end the most important thing is to accept that whatever you feel at any given time is you; whatever you feel is what you are allowed to feel, and you don't have to justify it by advertising yourself at any point along any spectrum.

Maybe the labels can be useful to you, I just thought I would remind you that they aren't necessary in order to be who you are, in case you had gotten too caught up in the label-mania (it's kind of easy to, from personal experience).

[specialsnowflake]

The thing about aromanticism is.... It's confusing as heck. :D I

I will second that! For me asexuality is the easier part, navigating romantic identities can be very complex. good luck figuring it all out.

[aromanticLamp]

Welcome to AVEN!

It sounds like you could totally be aromantic! Here's the thing: all aromanticism is is the lack of experiencing romantic attraction. You can still want a boyfriend, have a boyfriend, be married, etc, if you're aromantic. Actions and desires=/=identity.

In fact, my best friend is aro, and she's actually had a boyfriend who she loved (albeit platonically.) She still wants to build a family and maybe even have kids some day!

So basically.... If you don't feel romantic attraction, you can still identify as aro regardless of your fantasies or romantic history. Whatever identity you feel comfortable with is a good identity for you!