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Confessing Queerplatonic Feelings


lunadoon

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This is the second time this has happened to me. I met a guy and was almost instantly intrigued by his personality. He must have felt to an extent the same way since we've become pretty good friends in a short timespan.

I guess it's a nice problem to have, but being more towards aromantic, I'm afraid he has romantic feelings for me. I'm not entirely sure he does, but I have a hunch. I'm really confused as I write this right now because although it's pleasant to think he might...I tend to connect romance with sex and guess that he maybe just wanted to be friends in order to be sexual with me. (Sorry, that probably made no sense.)

Because of recent events, I think I need to tell him exactly how I feel towards him. I don't want him to make his own assumptions on how I feel. I just wish I was better at thinking on my feet...I think I am going to have to prepare for this discussion.

Has anyone been in a situation like this? I feel like I'm being disingenuous not confessing how I'm feeling. I just don't think I can use the term "queerplatonic". I guess I can say that I don't get romantically attached easily.

Reading AVEN makes me frustrated that there aren't more words to describe relationship feelings. I mean there are, but only the people involved in the community know them.

So I guess my goal for this post was to hear from others who can relate to this situation.

Edit: I didn't want this post to be too long so feel free to ask me for more details on the situation if you wanna try and help me

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Your story reminds me a lot of me. It makes perfect sense (to me at least).

If you feel like telling this person how you feel, you're totally okay to do so. I'd use whatever language you feel comfortable using at the time. If it were me, I'd say "hey, I like you and think you're awesome and like hanging out with you". I wouldn't put labels on my feelings, but that's just me.

I get that you don't like there not being more words to describe feelings. But I personally think that's where labels can limit instead of help the situation. Once you start chopping things up and labelling them, you lose the essence of what those things are because you're trying to fit your feelings into a particular box. I don't think feelings are made for boxes.

The most important thing if you're concerned is to make sure you know where your boundaries lie, and tell him that, if it's clear that he has expectations that you don't want to fulfil (namely romantic, in this case, but also sexual if that's applicable).

You're totally allowed to feel what you feel. When we get scared of how we feel or try to change how we feel or struggle with how we feel, that's when issues come up. But feelings come and go if we let them be what they are. Feelings teach us something new about the world and about ourselves. Just because we have a particular feeling doesn't mean we have to act on it at all. I guess part of me was always afraid of having "hey you're awesome" feelings because I felt like it meant I had to be in a relationship with that person in order to continue being around them and being awesome together. But since discovering AVEN, I'm happy in my aromantic asexual identity and even if I have those feelings come up again, I know I don't have to compromise my boundaries simply because I have those feelings.

Also know that you're not alone - there are people out there who definitely can relate to you :)

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nerdperson777

Yes, when I first met my now closest friend two years ago at the start of college, we were just two people who liked video games. Then I started doing a bunch of things with her. By the end of the school year, I felt very attached to her. In the club we joined together, there was an option to write something nice to be put in the end of the year video. First I contemplated whether I should write something about my friend. I finally decided I would and sent it to the club historian but she never replied so my queerplatonic feelings for my friend are in some email now that's hopefully only in my sent mail.

I still really like my friend in that way and thought I could get closer with more hugs, even though I originally said that I didn't like hugs. I've changed a bit from college and have been secretly desiring hugs now. But depending on who gives hugs, I know which one is more heartfelt than the other. I know my friend doesn't feel as close to me as I am with her.

Now her brother is here and taking her away from me. He also joined the club so she spends most of her time with him while I'm left alone while we're there. I have a need to be more cold and focus more on what the club goal is. I have a need to revert back to the me when I first started college but still with the club.

Queerplatonic sounds like it describes your situation. My queerplatonic relationships mostly end up with the gender people perceive me as so it's a little awkward for me. I'd say don't be afraid to tell him that you're not interested in a romantic relationship if the subject ever arises. I was asked out a few times ever and I have been quick to say no. I think it's more awkward to be in a relationship than it is to reject.

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Now that I think about it, I'm basically already in a queerplatonic relationship with this person. It's very new right now though.

I think he does like me romantically and is just holding back due to life circumstances...mainly that in a few months we won't be in physical proximity to each other. Of course, maybe if I confessed that I didn't think I had romantic feelings for him I'd end up relieved to find that he doesn't feel that way towards me either. Either way, I'm pretty sure he thinks I do, and it's kinda getting on my nerves because he's worried he'll "break my heart".

I feel like I sound so negative. Ugh...I'm just in a bad mood right now. Please help me.

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nerdperson777

How may we be of service?

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I've still kind of in the same situation. I developed a squish for one of my online friends. Only thing is, my friend is full hetero. I understand he doesn't have the ability to develop the same feelings I have for him. We're on the same page when it come to our friendship being more then that, but he doesn't label it queerplatonic. I don't think he's even aware that word exists, yet I feel it fits our relationship quite nicely. I don't want to jeopardize the integrity of the friendship, so I don't make my feelings known to him. I want to see him happy. Even if we don't share a life together, I'll always treasure the fact that we're great friends!

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Lunadoon, do you feel comfortable enough talking to him about how you feel, and about how you think he feels? It might help you figure out exactly where you stand with each other.

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Reading AVEN makes me frustrated that there aren't more words to describe relationship feelings. I mean there are, but only the people involved in the community know them.

Yeah. First thing I did after I learned "queerplatonic" was a term was run around telling my loved ones it exists. ("MY THING IS A THING!")

It's tricky to describe any feelings verbally, nevermind feelings that differ from the "norm." It's usually possible, though. Sometimes I will, like, rehearse these kinds of conversations – usually in writing. And then revise it until it makes any goshdang sense. And you could always link him to the queerplatonic wiki page, if you don't think he'd be all "buh?" about it.

Either way, I'm pretty sure he thinks I do, and it's kinda getting on my nerves because he's worried he'll "break my heart".

Argh. Imbalances like that are always stressful.

"Imbalances" sounds clinical. I mean it in the sense of an . . . askew-ness.

Hopefully that makes sense. Anyway, I sympathize.

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