How do I explain this?

[jd910]

So the guy I'm currently seeing knows that I identify as asexual, despite the fact that I will participate in sexual activity without issue. I simply could take it or leave it: there is no desire for it or attraction in that sense. Of course, he doesn't agree with the fact that I identify as such because of my willingness to participate. (I do so to please him, because I enjoy the sense of togetherness it provides me with, the passion and love, as well as because I enjoy his dominance and that is one way he can exert it. Sex is extremely emotional for me. It is anything but physical.) So today I find myself in a situation where ::long story short:: he commented on my wetness down there and so I responded that it tends to be like that often around him. I seem to be wet pretty regularly anyway, but he has a tendency to point it out. Mind you, I feel no difference whatsoever nor do any sensations come along with anything mentioned here. My body just kind of does it for reasons I can't explain. I digress.. So he promptly responded with "so says the girl claiming to be asexual". I told him that asexuality was mental, not physical. I can't help how my body reacts to stimuli or at random, but regardless of what causes it my brain doesn't process the reaction the way it does in others. No part of me in that moment says "oh please put it in me" or anything along those lines nor have I ever had a moment where my mind responded that way. I just enjoy having his arms around me and melting into him. It's soothing and makes me happy - I don't care beyond that.

[anís]

Just tell him what you want and what you don't, and that it makes you fit in the asexual spectrum, not the sexual. Tell him that if you where sexual, what happens within you would be something else.
I think it's rather simple since the disagreement doesn't affect your straight sex life with him. Or does it? It's just an argument.
That's my opinion...

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to Asexual Musings and Rantings forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[jd910]

I don't disagree that it's nothing more than a disagreement in a sense, but it just bothers me the way he says it. It comes across as somewhat demeaning and upsetting. I know his intentions are pure, I just wish he could understand that it bothers me when he pokes fun at it. It's as though he's trying to convince me that I'm wrong.

[imgone]

Yooo I'm like this too. I'm sex indifferent and could take or leave it. My boyfriend has been very accepting but I'm not sure how well he understands. I've thought about pointing him to asexuality sources like AVEN and various blog articles but of course none of those things are going to describe exactly how I feel and might just confuse him further. Plus it doesn't have SUCH an impact on our relationship... I try to compensate by telling him how certain things make me feel so that he can at least get a more practical picture.

I actually sometimes have the opposite problem, though, in that I think I've done too good a job at convincing him and not a good enough job at explaining it to him. He often asks me if I want him to do this or that and my answer is usually something like "yeah sure okay" or I'll pause a long time before saying yes, which results in a "well I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to." I've explained to him that I rarely "want" anything but I usually enjoy it in some capacity, even as just a romantic interaction. He's so concerned about pressuring me, I've just ended up having to tell him to trust me when I give him the go ahead because it's tedious to have to explain my motives every time. It's easier to tell him when I don't want something than it is to tell him when I do.

I can also relate to the comments though. I don't think my boyfriend has ever expressed doubt towards my asexuality, but he points out when I'm wet too, and I don't really know how to respond because most of the time I would not say I'm mentally aroused? You cannot help your physiological responses. I think he gets some sort of pride out of it though so I have just sort of left it alone. Also, a few weeks ago I performed a sexual act for the first time and apparently did okay, and a little afterwards he looks at me and says I'm a "weird asexual." I'm not sure what he meant by that, but I didn't get the sense he was doubting me. I think it's more like he doesn't understand my reasons for doing things if I'm not sexually invested in them. (Or maybe he was trying to say I did okay considering my inexperience? No idea.) It might be the same thing with your boyfriend, though by the sound of his wording it sounds like doubt may be a part of it. Definitely talk to him and tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, he probably doesn't realize that he is reading you from a heteronormative/sexual lens, and he probably doesn't mean to upset you. Work to educate him, with time hopefully he'll come to understand.

[jd910]

Yea he flat out told me yesterday that he thinks I'm wrong and all of that. I asked him to agree to disagree and just keep the snippy comments to himself and he was a little rude on the response but after a little freak out on my part he at least said he'd try but makes no promises. I don't need him to "believe" me I just need him to be respectful of the fact that this is how I identify. Even if I was "wrong" (because clearly all labels are one size fits all) what would it matter? Great you think I'm something else, by all means think what you please - what difference does it make? It's not like if affects anything directly, I still do what he wants with no issue. I made the mistake of saying one time that I didn't like sex and didn't care about it and he took it way too personally and made it into this whole big thing about how I was telling him that sex with him was horrible or something. I was like seriously this is ridiculous that's not what I said nor is it what I meant. It's nothing personal it's just how I've been since as far back as I can remember. Deal with it.

Whenever anyone has ever asked me oh do you want to do x, y, or z sexual act I just kind of smile and nod and "yeah, ahuh" it. I can't say yes because I really don't care but I really can't say no because I really don't care. Catch 22! It doesn't change my relationships, but the comments just feel like an attack. Yesterday he made a "so says the ace" comment and I asked him to please try and refrain from comments like that because they get under my skin and so he responded by telling me I was flat out wrong and making another similar comment. I was SO upset and offended. I get that you don't agree with me, but just grow up. (And to anyone who wants to respond with "just leave and don't put up with it if he doesn't accept you" - I have no interest in leaving, I love him dearly.)

[HanBanan]

I'm so grateful that you posted this thread. I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time explaining it to my hubby because I don't want to hurt his feelings; the whole "you're wet" thing bothers me both because he knows I'm asexual and is still implying that I want it, and because he sometimes says it when I know it's not true. I have a disorder/trauma that causes my body to literally and physically "lock up" when I think about sex. In order to engage in those actions, I have to actually meditate for a minute or so on relaxing those muscles, and another minute or so to get myself to physiologically respond the way my body is "supposed to." I had to pay for therapy to teach me how to do that. There are a couple of instances in which I was so relaxed and his touch was so sudden that perhaps it could have been true that I was wet, but for the most part, when he tells me I'm wet, I know it's not true.

I am so very very sad for sweet, gentle, wonderful boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses who do not fully understand. I don't want to drag him here either, but sometimes I wonder if I should. I want him to know that I do it because I love him, not because I "want" him in that way, but that this shouldn't be a source of shame for him. Instead of, "I love you and/so I want to have sex with you," it's, "I love you, so I'm willing to have sex with you." The fact that I'm willing to do something that I would, at worst, hate doing with anyone else and, at best, be indifferent about with him and only him, should be a huge compliment. An asexual's compromise (in a healthy relationship) requires a heavy dosage of trust and comfort.

[Schrecken]

Gee, that sounds like the situation I've found myself in. The guy I've been seeing says almost the exact same kinds of things - he can't for the life of him understand how someone who is asexual could possibly have physical responses to stimulation. I can't comment on the sex thing yet, as I've not had sex with him, but we've done other sexual things and he seems to think that a "true" asexual would have no more reaction than a rock to any stimulation. Like you, I've tried to explain it as a physiological reaction, but he counters by insisting that I wouldn't necessarily have the same reaction to someone else doing the same things to me that he does. Which is probably true. So, in other words, the fact that I respond physically to him must mean that I am sexually attracted to him (and that I don't have that response to anyone else currently). But even though I'm grey-a, I still have trouble teasing apart such reactions and I am also at a loss to explain it to him, other than what I've already said about it being a "physiological reaction".

So basically I don't try to argue with him about it, it isn't worth it at this point to me, but that's just me. I enjoy being with this guy and if he wants to not think I'm an "A" then he can think that, as long as he continues to not pressure me to do anything I don't want to do.

[Goober]

The wetness is a biological response to sexual attraction, so while your body can still feel sexual attraction in some cases it does not have to mean anything about your sexuality. It's the same reason why asexuals can still find someone physically attractive without wanting to be with that person - it's the body's biological reaction.

[Sally]

If he's telling you you're wrong about your own feelings, and he won't respect what you say about yourself, I can't see that his intentions are "pure". You're accommodating him in the relationship, and he doesn't seem to appreciate that.

[Mona Lisa]

There have been studies that have measured the female response to sexual situations and researchers found that women became physically aroused to the sight of both men and women in sexual scenarios ... and even to the sight of bonobos (apes) having sex. It doesn't mean those women wanted sex with bonobos. It's a simple physiological response to stimuli. Does a rapist deserve to say his victim "wanted it" if she was wet? Absolutely not!

Bodily function ≠ willingness/desire

[ChainSmokingBob]

i just want to clarify -- you did say you 'enjoy his dominance', right?

[Philip027]

I can understand the whole ace disbelief going on here, I really can (I go through periods of my own where I swear there are some very "sexual" asexuals here), but the logic being displayed here by these people is still very disturbing. Bodies can respond to being raped. Doesn't mean that the victims were emotionally/mentally "turned on" or that they wanted it in any way.

Physiological arousal =/= psychological arousal. If someone's body is not responding to physical stimulus, from my understanding that's generally indicative of a sexual dysfunction (such as ED) rather than of asexuality. Asexuality, on the other hand, has more to do with the mind, it seems.

[Guest]

"Wetness" as Phil has said, means NOTHING to "wanting" anything. You can get "wet" from your underwear rubbing against your skin, riding a horse, riding a bike, etc. Just like a guy can get an erection from a cat jumping in his lap. That doesn't mean the guy wants to have sex with the cat, or the girl wants to have sex with the horse or bike. It's just if you stimulate certain areas of the body, your body responds. And some people have stimuli that include scents and such as well as physical contact.. or it can just happen randomly. And during hormonal times, the vagina can produce a lot of discharge / wetness also. And emotional reactions can in some people trigger physical ones, such as anxiety, love, etc (yes, some people get "wet" or "hard" when anxious or under other strong emotions). I really hate how society seems to think "OH! Your body did something! That means your mind/emotions line up to that physical response." If so, there are a lot of men and women who want: their jeans, their bed, their pets, their bicycles, their family members and their rapists... I mean, really. The body can even randomly react like that to seemingly nothing. All it means is: your body is working.

Sorry, bit of a rant. But, it's a pet peeve. Beyond this line of "oh you're wet so you were turned on" thinking being part of rape culture, it's also an indicator of just how bad our sexual education is and is absolutely no reason to disrespect and disregard someone else's feelings. I had to explain to my partner, who has had more sexual experience than I have, that bodies respond to stimuli and it doesn't mean much. "Yes, not everyone wants sex when they are "wet" or "hard" - it's just a physical response to something." He always wants sex even from morning erections that men have and says he doesn't get random ones, so apparently he didn't realize that not every body is like his...imagine that, humans can feel differently! :lol: (Of course, I also had to explain to him women really can get pregnant when bleeding during their periods... go American sex ed!)

He doesn't have to agree with you or understand you. But, he does have to RESPECT you. And it doesn't sound like he's doing that, by making snippy "you aren't asexual" comments all the time and disregarding your feelings based on rather ridiculous evidence of a functioning human body, or not being repulsed by sex (which not all aces are). I enjoy kissing/being held, so I can focus on those things during sex and "get into" something, but I really couldn't care less about the sex part and would be 100% content (actually, would prefer) if sex and genital contact was left out!

[jd910]

Thanks to everyone who's responded so far - a lot of your comments are giving me ideas of how to explain it or at least giving me some semblance of hope. It's really too bad we don't live in a more accepting world.

ChainSmokingBob - Dominance yes, but that doesn't correlate to sexual attraction if that's what you're trying to get at. We have a d/s relationship and that in no way needs to be sexual; there are many people who live it in non-sexual manners. I just don't oppose his advances because I'm not repulsed by it and it's something he desires at times. No issue with the act, just not my first choice and I don't really get anything out of it except to see him pleased.

Serran - Yes, that. To the whole thing but primarily the last bit. I love the contact but in a sensual, loving way. I would kill for a hug or cuddle any day of the week! I could never have sex again and I wouldn't ever even think twice about it. It's not something I desire.