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May you give me your opinions about my " case ", please ? Thank you ! [warning : TMI post ahead]


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Hello there,

I registered a few hours ago because I'm really confused about my sexuality. I know that you guys aren't professionnals and such but I need advices about my " case ".

Also, I only discovered the existence of asexuality this summer, thanks to DeviantART. Since that time, I made research but I'd like to hear opinions from people who've known asexuality for a longer time than me (you can say I'm a beginner on this subject).

I apologize in advance for this really long and really intimate message (it's embarrassing for you to read, but even more for me to write, I tell you !), but I have no one to talk to.

So here I go.

I'm a 22 years old girl, and I'll be 23 in december. I'm a virgin, I've never dated someone, nor hugged, touched, cuddled, etc... I kissed a girl once, because of a stupid game, but it was just on the lips.

I fell in love when I was 12 years old and it lasted 4 or 5 years (... I was deeply in love). I confessed to the guy and I was rejected. But I didn't care because I just wanted to tell him how I felt. I didn't even think about dating him (I was too young).

I never fell in love again.

But I felt (aromantic) aesthetic attraction.

[ /!\ TMI moments ahead /!\ ]

I started masturbating last year. I watch videos of lesbians' kiss, I look at porn gifs (... I'm scared of getting viruses because of porn sites ._.) and I also imagine myself doing things with girls to turn me on (I'm heterosexual but I can't fantasize about men (I tried doing it but I JUST CAN'T)).

I masturbate mostly because I'm bored, I sometimes feel empty and alone, and it's a way to relieve stress (seriously, I'm not even sure I masturbate because I really want to ~ the only time I get horny is a few days before my periods).

I'm like : " ... and if I masturbated ? " or " I'll masturbate later ". As you see, it's not spontaneous : the first option is when I'm bored as fuck (... that pun is shitty, I know) and the second one sounds like I'm " planning " it.

But I also get the feeling I'm doing this because I want to feel " normal ".

I don't know why I am thinking that way.

Maybe I do this because I unconsciously think that it's not normal for a girl of my age to still be a virgin, not to have many exes like other girls and not to be looking for this (by this, I mean looking for a boyfriend or wanting to have sex).

As if I were punishing/correcting myself for being different.

That being said, I love men. And I'd like to fall in love again in the future. But I don't want to have sex with them for the following reasons :

1. I'm scared of the pain.

2. I'm scared of becoming different. As if there was a before and an after sex : it's like loosing my " innocence " (I'm not saying that non virgins are perverted but I don't know how to express this concept. For me, being a virgin is linked to childhood) and becoming an adult (like a rite of passage to enter adulthood).

Actually, I feel good the way I am and I don't want it to change.

3. I find it disgusting and dirty : the noise, the smell, the smell, the genital organs (those things look ugly to me), etc...

4. I feel that sex is just about social and biological determinism : you were born, you go to school, then to middle/high school, to college, you graduate, you find a good job and have a stable situation, you find a partner, you get married, you have kids...

Do people have sex because of peer pressure (social determinism) ? " I must have sex, being a virgin sucks "

Do people have sex because it's their " duty " to procreate (biological determinism) ? " I have to carry on the lineage "

Or do people have sex because they truly want to (without being influenced by anything nor anyone) ?

It's like following a plan where sex is included because having sex means you're part of a group (as I said, it's a passage rite) and because one day, you'll have a family (according to most parents and people (but also society), having a family is the ultimate goal in life).

5. I don't want to get pregnant, nor to get illnesses or infections.

When I look at these reasons, I seriously wonder if I'm asexual or a celibate. I know it's not the same thing, but the way it sounds, it looks like I'm making a choice of not having sex (for a variety of reasons).

But there's no way in Hell I'll go and try sex just to know if I'm truly interested in it or not.

My thoughts might be too deep but I once told an older girl than me (a few years ago) that, despite the perverted things I can say, sex disgusts me and I don't want to have it.

And that prick told me : " it's a bit sad that you're afraid to have sex. " Or some shit like this ! I don't remember it exactly, but she might even have said to me that it was because I didn't find someone yet.

I DIDN'T FIND SOMEONE YET.

... I'm not really interested in dating nor I do want to (but I'd like to in the future) because dating means for most people : expecting something in return (unless he's an ace, but it's like looking for a diamond in the rough). This annoys me extremely, especially when people can't/don't want to fucking understand that you can love without sex.

I'm ready to make a lot of concessions, even to be the one who often takes the plane if the guy lives far away, but sex is an absolute no.

As for my point of view about love... OH LAWD.

I just want to have one and only man in my life, to love him deeply and to have a strong and genuine bond with him. Like an eternal love, if I must say it that way. In other words : a best friend and a partner (kissing, hugging and stuff must be cool man).

However, thinking that way and wanting that kind of ethereal/fairy tale love is really difficult in societies like ours where sex is glorified.

As for kids... Frankly speaking, I started thinking about this when I was 20 (before that age, I was strongly opposed to kids and pregnancy, and I didn't even think about adoption).

I considered adoption from a more mature eye, and I thought that it wouldn't be that bad to have a family, to be a parent... But I don't/can't imagine myself giving birth.

Otherwise, on more general aspects :

I find some men handsome and I like to say : " that guy's gorgeous/cute/sexy ", but that's all.

If I have an idiotic (fangirl) crush on a male actor, singer or model, I fantasize about confessing/being confessed to, flirting and seducing (nothing perverted nor gross, it's really light hearted), being friend with him and discovering little by little, that there might be more than friendship feelings.

To have more " variety ", I also imagine dramatic and sad scenes. It's cheesy as hell, but I freaking love doing this shit.

... This must sound gullible to the max, but that's how I imagine things.

Just thinking about a guy who would like to hold my hand, makes me squeal like a fangirl. But if that same guy said : " and how about going way further ? " or " wanna do it with me ? " or something like this, I'd want to run away (and my opinion of him would be done).

To conclude, I don't know what I am. I just know that I'm straight with lesbian thoughts only for masturbation. But I don't want to try sex in real life to know if I like it (or if I'm interested) or not.

Am I asexual, or am I a celibate ? What exactly am I ? I'd like to know.

But even if I knew...

If I'm an asexual girl, things are going to be utterly complicated, because I come from a traditional family (where a man will become a head of the family and where a woman will have kids because she's a woman obviously : uterus aren't only for decoration, you know (... I'm saying just in case, but I'm sarcastic for this last sentence)).

And my mother is expecting me to give her grand children (I once said that adoption wasn't that bad, and her voice became louder, she became agressive and angry, saying that it's not the same than having your own kids, etc...).

My mother is a conformist and she's short tempered. That's why I never tell her secrets or that kind of things. I know her too well, and I'm scared of her reactions.

I may look like a weakling considering my age and all (for not facing my mother), but you don't know what she's able to do (nor what she already did/said to me).

P.S. Once again, sorry for this very long and very intimate/embarrassing message.

By advance, thank you for your help !

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If you're new I think spending some more time on this site could really help you learn some things. First of all I must say that there's no way anyone other than you can determine what your sexual or romantic orientation is, let alone someone who's just read one text post. With that said, I'll see if can help clarify some things. Sexuality is a very complicated gray thing. Sexual orientation and romantic orientation don't even need to match. So I would try to separate five feelings. Platonic attraction, romantic attraction, sexual attraction, aesthetic attraction, and hypothetical desires. It's possible to think that people are good looking but not be sexually attracted them. Do you just enjoy looking at them or do you feel any desire to do physical things with them? Your focus doesn't even have to be on would I have sex with them since there are lot's of different factors that would prevent you from wanting to have sex with a person. Just do you feel a spark of physical desire when you see an attractive person of a certain sex? Note that masturbation has nothing to do with sexual orientation. There are plenty of asexuals who masturbate because the physical stimulation feels good and they have a libido. Your disgust in sex reminds me of sexual repulsion, so I would like into sexually repulsed asexuals. You say you don't want to date because most people want something more but you want to in the future. What are your actual romantic feelings for people, if the whole sex thing wasn't an issue? Do you regularly meet people and feel a flicker of romantic attraction? Make sure you don't confuse hypothetical feelings for your actual current feelings. You can like the idea of marrying a guy, but that doesn't mean that you're actually romantically attracted to guys. Also I'd like to note something about your number four reason for not wanting to have sex, the social and biological expectations. I think a lot of asexuals before they realize they're asexual and not like all the sexuals is they don't realize extent of sexual attraction that other people experience. Honesty I don't the social and biological factors are the main reasons for sexual people wanting to have sex. The number one reason is almost always just because they feel sexual attraction to another person and physically want to have sex with them. Social pressure can make a person who's a virgin want to have sex more, but the underlying desire is still there. I would say worry about your mom later. If you have any really good friends who you trust you might want to ask them what physical and romantic attraction feel like to them so you can compare your own feelings. So my main advice is do more research on sexuality, try to separate all your different feelings and figure out what they mean individually, and focus on the present when figuring this all out.

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Obviously the only person who can define your (a)sexuality is you. Just keep doing your research, read about the variety of asexual experience and see if it strikes a familiar cord with you.

As for your virginity, you should not feel ashamed or embarrassed. I am a huge proponent of losing your virginity when (and if) you are ready in EVERY sense. That society pressures young people about this tremendously personal decision is just sick, IMO.

I would not rule out romantic relationships just because you are not ready/willing to have sex. Rather, you should make it clear to anyone you date what your boundaries are. If they're not OK with making sure you're comfortable, then that's they're problem and they probably don't deserve you. Whether or not you're asexual. If you never reach a point where you want or feel comfortable with sex, that's fine. The community is there for you. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself to be "normal" because there's really no such thing. Do what makes you happy. You will sort out these feelings!

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Do you just enjoy looking at them or do you feel any desire to do physical things with them?

I enjoy looking at them and their beauty. If I'm attracted toward that person, I might want to stroke their hair or holding their hands.

Just do you feel a spark of physical desire when you see an attractive person of a certain sex?

No.

By the way, I'm not attracted to women. I fantasize about them sexually it's true, but only when I fap. In real life, I don't want to date, to cuddle, nor to kiss, have sex, etc... with a girl.

What are your actual romantic feelings for people, if the whole sex thing wasn't an issue? Do you regularly meet people and feel a flicker of romantic attraction?

I have no idea. I feel like I could fall in love with a guy and dating, but not now. Now, I'm not interested in dating (unless I met a very special person) and I don't feel the need to date either.

That being said, I sometimes imagine myself dating in the " future ". Maybe. Even to be married and to adopt kids.

I don't go out and meet people. I'm a loner. I see people at university, but that's all.

There's a guy I tease, like : " Hey honey ! How are you today ? " at university. I imagined kissing him and holding his hand (once or twice) but in real life, I don't want to ask him out.

If you have any really good friends who you trust you might want to ask them what physical and romantic attraction feel like to them so you can compare your own feelings.

I don't have really good friends. I have acquaintances or buddies.

But no one I feel really close to.

Obviously the only person who can define your (a)sexuality is you. Just keep doing your research, read about the variety of asexual experience and see if it strikes a familiar cord with you.

Yes, I know.

I already made research (and I'm continuing researching) but that's because there are too many different things, that I don't know what to think about myself (that's why I registered here. But if I was sure of what I am, I would not have registered on Aven).

As for your virginity, you should not feel ashamed or embarrassed.

But... I'm not ashamed/embarrassed at all.

I would not rule out romantic relationships just because you are not ready/willing to have sex. Rather, you should make it clear to anyone you date what your boundaries are.

The thing is that, I think about dating later. But right now, I'm not interested in it at all (I enjoy my freedom and loneliness).

The only thing I'm obssessed about, is to graduate and to finally finish my studies + getting a job and earning tons of money.

However, to be completely honest, there's a guy I'm attracted to. It's aesthetic attraction. But since he lives really far away (he's from Vancouver and I'm French). Not sure if I want to date him. His personal blog looks interesting and all, but I didn't talk to him yet.

And he's an ace. A panromantic one.

I'm sorry for troubling you with my problems.

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Woaw this is a big one..Challenge accepted. *starts reading* I guess ill respond to stuff as I see it cause ill never remember all that.

"1. I'm scared of the pain."

Many sources (and person discussions ive had) would dispute this as first time pain is mostly a myth, the important factors are that you are relaxed and what is uhhh being put in is very well lubed.

----

"2. I'm scared of becoming different."

I think this is a cultural notion that is much outdated and has no place in modern society. Nothing will have changed about you it is like if you were to go to a foreign country for a vacation. You might learn something about yourself you might really like it and move there to live, you may hate it and never go back... but you are still you no matter what nothing has really changed about you.

----

"Or do people have sex because they truly want to (without being influenced by anything nor anyone) ?"

I think if I were to ever to it, it would be to share my body with my partner and be more out of sensuality than a preconceived sense of duty or societal pressure.

---

"5. I don't want to get pregnant, nor to get illnesses or infections."

while sex is an adult decision and you will need to deal with the fact that it entails adult consequences there are numerous steps you can take to be responsible and prevent pathogens and pregnancy.

---

All your voiced concerns are legit but I just thought I would play a little devil's advocate. I also think that none of us can really label you (we all already suffered through high school for that right?) the only one who decides what you are is you I wish you best of luck in your soul searching!

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First of all, thank you for taking the time of answering my post.

Many sources (and person discussions ive had) would dispute this as first time pain is mostly a myth, the important factors are that you are relaxed and what is uhhh being put in is very well lubed.

I'm not everybody nor " many sources ". Maybe it won't be painful as you said, or maybe it will hurt very much.

I think this is a cultural notion that is much outdated and has no place in modern society. Nothing will have changed about you it is like if you were to go to a foreign country for a vacation. You might learn something about yourself you might really like it and move there to live, you may hate it and never go back... but you are still you no matter what nothing has really changed about you.

The thing is that, I don't want to try it to know if I like it or not. Because it disgusts me.

At the same time, I find it completely stupid to throw away my way of thinking, morals, values or whatever floats your boat just to fit in modern society's standards.

while sex is an adult decision and you will need to deal with the fact that it entails adult consequences there are numerous steps you can take to be responsible and prevent pathogens and pregnancy.

No protection is 100 % safe. I don't want to deal with any of that shit.

All your voiced concerns are legit but I just thought I would play a little devil's advocate. I also think that none of us can really label you (we all already suffered through high school for that right?) the only one who decides what you are is you I wish you best of luck in your soul searching!

No problem. By the way, sorry if I sounded rude, it wasn't my intention but I tend to be... " passionate ".

I'd like to receive guidance and I need labels. To know that I'm not alone and to know myself better, among other reasons.

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Im a newbie to this whole asexual thing, so take what i say with a grain of salt.

It sounds like you might be an aromantic asexual. Like someone mentioned earlier, it's hard to make any calls based on one thread.

If you're not ready to date, don't. Focusing on your life and your career is a worthy pursuit. Honestly, dating can be a big distraction from that sort of stuff.

I had a lot of trouble making friends until about a year ago when I joined a LARP group and met my boyfriend. Maybe you could consider joining a social group like that? I looked into pirate, steam punk, and fantasy groups myself. Consider checking out something that interests you! I'll bet there are a bunch of people out there waiting to be your bestest buddies.

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