How to navigate the gap between sex drive and asexuality?

[b88]

Thank you for always being so helpful when I post threads, you're all awesome :) As you'll notice, I'm fairly new and working through lots of stuff atm! My question is to other asexuals who have a sex drive.

Due to having a sex drive I have a sort of non-specific desire for sex. But since I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, any kind of sex/intimacy with a person is unnatural and scary (but I like being physically close, cuddles etc). So I've spent my life so far trying to reconcile this gap, and figured that sexual activity would have to be a learned behaviour for me since I can't naturally act in that way.

I don't know, I always thought that one day it would somehow get easier, that it would stop being such a big deal - but that hasn't happened and I don't think it will. When I break up and meet a new person I'm back to square one, struggling to even kiss them, and having to relearn everything again. Whenever I go to meet them I worry about what they'll (sexually) expect of me, especially if we've already done something (as they'll assume I'm fine with it from then on, which isn't always the case).

Does the fact I still struggle with it mean that I shouldn't be trying? Or just that I'm trying too soon, or with the wrong people? I've always felt pressured, always. I sometimes wonder if I was completely unpressured, how long it would take me to feel okay with it. Whether it'd even happen at all, whether it's all the other person and I'm just going along with it. I never initiate anything, myself. Sorry for rambling, I'm just confused. Any and all insight is very welcome and appreciated :) x

[Mayonasium]

I'll apologize in advance in case I say anything that might be considered tmi, but in my experience, having a sex drive does not necessarily equate with having a desire for sex. As the AVEN definition says, "an asexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction". Just because I may have a sex drive does not necessarily mean that other people are what activate it or that I even have a desire for sex, as strange as that may sound. I haven't spent a lot of time in depth discussing the topic (as some people on this site may have) as it's something I'm not too comfortable discussing, but it's just an idea I thought to share. :)

[argar]

I personally don't like the word sex drive. I have since I heard it, prefer the word libido. It seems more of a general word in my head that implies that I do get aroused from time to time, but it is not focused on anyone. I like the idea that that I get aroused, but it isn't connected to anyone, or the idea that I want to procreate.

Sex drive, on the other hand, seems to imply, in my head, that I am actively looking for people to consummate with.

Anyways, yeah your in a tough place, I usually deal with this issue by avoiding it completely. I don't date just because I am afraid it will go somewhere, and as much as I love being in the company of a pleasant woman, at my age there seems to be this connotation of marriage and kids that goes with the equation. A friend brought it to my attention that as long as she has known me I have had no interest in having kids.

No one wants to be alone, I think for sexual people the compromise to this is having kids. For asexual people it can be putting up with sex, and possible having kids.

I think the question you need to ask is if being with someone will make you happy, will having to make any compromises make you happy, or if choosing not to be with anyone will make you happy?

Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of gray areas with the above questions (ha gray), and maybe not even the real important questions you need to ask yourself. I just asked as a starting point. Your journey is your own.

I hope some of this made sense.

Have a beautiful day.

[Guest]

I'm moving this to Asexual Q&A

Wendell Testaburger, Administrator

[Hazel lights]

I've heard that the biggest thing that helps with relationships is communication. You should tell the person that you're dating from the beginning that you're asexual and that you're not always comfortable with everything. It's scary because they could reject you for that, but it's way better than always feeling uncomfortable because of what they expect of you.

[Guest]

Having a 'sex drive' in no way means someone has a desire for partnered sex, or that they are capable of learning how to desire or enjoy partnered sex (though of course, there are exceptions to every rule) . There are many AVENites who have libido's, even ones with very high libido's, who just do not desire the actual act of partnered sex :)

I have a libido, I masturbate, I just have no desire for actual partnered sex. I am a very sensual person, very loving and intimate, but due to the fact that I have no desire for actual partnered sex (and have no enjoyment of it when I do have it), it is impossible for me to have a relationship with a sexual person, because well.. they expect sex, which is something I cannot give (I have had one previous relationship, with a hypersexual, that lasted 5 years, as well as numerous sexual encounters while I was trying to 'teach myself' to enjoy sex)

About a year after leaving my ex, I learned about asexuality (EPIC AHA MOMENT).. up until then I figured I was just a regular sexual who was broken. I decided I would just remain single the rest of my life, so I could avoid the whole sex thing altogether. I knew I had a libido, but knew I did not need another person to satisfy it (actually, being in a sexual situation quashes my libido, I get turned off by being in a situation requiring sex, so sex is about the biggest libido killer for me heh)

Anyway, I joined AVEN in the hopes of making friends, and made an amazing friend, who eventually became my amazing ace partner heh. Now I can have all the libido and all the sensuality and cuddles I want, and there is just.. no need, no expectation, no 'requirement' for anything sexual :)

My partner and I are both sensual aces, which means we love snuggles and sensuality and all that lovely stuff, we even enjoy kink! we just don't have sex, and are more than happy that way :)

It sounds to me like, if you desire a relationship, but do not want partnered sex, or unable to teach yourself to desire it as you put it, then maybe you need to be open to meeting another asexual? .. just like, a lesbian can have as many relationships with men as she wants, in the hopes of 'teaching herself to be straight' but she will probably never be truly satisfed in those relationships because all the time, she desires the love of a woman,.and no matter how much love her male partners give her, no matter how hard she tries to desire them and reciprocate their love, she won't be truly happy until she is an a relationship with a woman (have read lost of self discovery stories like this online). I think that, a lot of the time, its the same for asexuals. Sure there are some asexuals who love partnered sex, or have other traits that make it very easy for them to remain fully satisfied with a sexual partner, but for many asexuals, I just think what they truly need is another asexual (either full ace, Gray-ace, sensual ace.. asexuality comes in so many shapes and sizes!) someone who will truly understand their love, their needs, their desires (or lack thereof) etc.

Anyway, that's just my two cents :)

[b88]

Thank you all for replying :) I guess I've grown up being told I 'should' want partnered sex and I've operated under that basic premise without ever actually asking if I did. So I've gone about telling myself "I do want this, I must..." when all I ever actually wanted was to be loved. I've had times where I've enjoyed the physical sensation of it, but generally I could take it or leave it and my libido is easily sated without someone else. Thank you for pointing it out, it sounds obvious but apparently it wasn't to me! :lol:

@Argar - It did make sense, thank you :) I don't think I could be happy by myself as I have a huge desire for romantic connection. All I've ever wanted is to love and be loved, I guess it's just harder when you're looking for someone who can love you without pressuring you to do things (sexually) that you're not comfortable with. As you've all said, communication will be important so that I don't mislead anyone, and find someone who can accept me as I am rather than worrying about that pressure.

@PanFicto~Aotearoan - thank you for sharing your experience, so much of it resonates with me (thinking I was sexual but a 'broken' one, trying to teach myself to like sex by having relationships with sexuals) and the analogy you gave towards the end about the lesbian trying to be with men puts it in perspective - it makes no sense to try to make myself like or desire something - you either do or you don't. I have no idea how to find another ace xD But I think you're probably right that I'd be happier, then I can love, be loved, and not have to do anything I don't want to (or be with a sexual who I feel like they're 'just putting up with me', as has often been the case in the past).

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, it's really helpful :) have a great Sunday ^^ x

[Blinkin]

I also would prefer the word libido because our sex drive isn't directed towards people.

I handle my libido with mastrubating which is sometimes necessary to get rid of the arousal feel (which may be pleasant depending on the situation).

I think it's the best to communicate good with a new partner about how you feel and don't cross borders if you don't want to. :)

Edit: I just realised you already reacted, whoops. Glad to read how you now feel about it. Have a great Sunday! :D