Possibly demisexual? I dont know anymore.

[Ashrion]

I am so confused... it feels like I have gone through nearly every label for orientation. It seems like every time I feel confident in what I am life decides to randomly throw a situation in my face and tell me im wrong. When I thought I only liked guys, a girl walks into my life and proves me wrong. When I thought I was bi, I realized all the boys I met I only wanted to be friends with and not have a romantic relationship with. When I thought I was gay I find out about asexuality and realize I never had interest in sex with anyone and even the thought of it kind of grossed me out. I felt that finally I could define who I was and I had people I could relate with. I thought I could identify myself as a homoromantic asexual. So, of course someone comes along to challenge that idea.

Time for a little story. I moved to Australia from the USA a few months ago. For about three months I didnt get the chance to talk to anyone my age outside of my computer. I started school about two weeks ago, on the first day of school I made a friend with another new student in the school office while waiting to get a tour of the school. We started to sit together at lunch and talk to each other on facebook after school. I started to get excited to see him at school and wait for him to come online. At one point we got into a discussion about sexualitys and I told him i was asexual, after explaining what it was. Then a few days ago him, two of his friends, and I were talking at lunch. The other girl of the group was teasing him about how he tended to do something sexual to every girl he made friends with. At that point he looks at me and says "not with her, she doesnt like sexual things". That made me feel kind of sad, I thought that maybe I would like to do something sexual. I dont know if I actually like him in a romantic way or if I just feel socially deprived from not talking to someone my age for so long. I dont know If I actually want to do anything sexual or if I just want to get rid of this barrier I feel is between us because I dont like sexual things. Maybe I feel left out because I am different from the others. What acts would you even consider to be sexual and not sensual? I just dont know anymore. :(

I would also like to add that I know posts like this one are seen regularly on this site but I just need to talk to someone about my problem. I know AVEN is a great community and I dont have anyone else I can talk to about this. Thanks for reading my mini orientation rant. ^_^

[Lynxe]

Hello my lovely *hugs*

I'm going to try and say this as non-patronizingly as possible; please understand that none of it is meant in that way.

You are young m'love, and I appreciate you are trying to find your place in the world. But ask yourself this question - Is your label important? A label is just a word we use, and you are free to change it as much as you like, but don't do that at the cost of your own security. There is no harm in saying that you don't know what you are, for a few months or even years, then reflecting on these years and using that reflection to help you.

In terms of your problem right now, again I think you need to relax. Do what feels right, without worrying about whether it fits the label you have right now.

*hugs*

[Starry Night]

I don't know what position I'm in to give good advice, but here's what I can tell you from what I've learned:

In a way, I agree with what Lynxe is saying. Your label is really only a label. And it doesn't define you as a person.

However, if your label is important to you, that is completely acceptable and I understand that. It is okay if you don't know for sure right now. You live and learn. You have a lifetime to decide.

I think the reason you were bothered by what your friend said may have been a result of a desire to be accepted and to fit in with them. I don't know for sure, of course, since you are you and I am simply me... but that's what I'm getting out of what you are saying. But you don't have to be like them. And you shouldn't have to feel like you should want to do something sexual just because it is what is normal or expected. It is how you feel that matters.

If you really wanted to be in a sexual relationship with someone, I think you would know it... I mean, I don't know much about sexual attraction, but to my understanding, it's something you just kind of know when you feel it.

Now, you may want a romantic relationship with someone, which is not the same thing as a sexual one. You can want to be close to someone emotionally, or even physically, without having anything to do with sex.

My best advice to you is to search for what makes you happy, and not worry about anyone else. Be informed, be educated, be self-aware, and make your decision in your own time. There is no reason to rush :)

[Hazel lights]

Social expectations about sexuality shouldn't change your own sexual orientation. Not minding doing physical things with someone is very different from wanting to do sexual things with someone because of your own physical desires. I mean I've thought about how I wouldn't really be opposed to doing sexual things with a guy (except actual penetrative sex because I'm a bit repulsed by that), but really it would only be to experiment and please they guy; I don't actually have any real desire to do any of that. As for sexual versus sensual, for me I guess sexual activities are meant to arouse, sensual is meant to comfort, but that's just my own interpretation. And honestly the fact that he says that he hasn't done sexual things with you is good, because you don't like sexual things is more of a good thing than a bad thing I think. It indicates he understands and respects what you want. Even if he'd like to do sexual things with you, doesn't mean he sill doesn't want to be your friend. Plus if you did do sexual things with him and it didn't work out, I think that would do more to damage your friendship.

[WünderBâhr]

Moved to The Grey Area, Sex and Related Discussions forum.

Byanyothername

Asexual Q&A Mod

[Hooded_Crow]

I just thought I'd jump in with a potentially completely off-topic thing.

I have found that when I tell people I'm asexual, a part of me worries that they'll think I'm aromantic as well. Because people tend to not see a difference between being asexual and not wanting a relationship. Do you think that maybe the reason you felt sad about what he said was because it felt like he was dismissing you as a potential partner because of your asexuality? If you like him in a romantic way, that could have felt like rejection.

Also, I can absolutely relate to what you said about there being a wall between the two of you. My housemate is a very sexual guy who will point out cute guys to me every other day and, at the moment, bring a different guy home every week XD (he keeps saying he's not normally like that and, in his defense, he's just trying to find his footing after his 7 years relationship with his previous partner came to an end). It does very much feel like there's a wall between us in that respect. We just don't experience love and intimacy in the same way and that can sometimes be a saddening and alienating thought.

Anyway, I hope you realise that whatever way you feel about love and intimacy is perfectly okay. F**k the label ;) You're a person, that's what you are first and foremost.

Xx

Crow