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My Personal Story for matthewsplace.com


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So recently Matthew's Place ran six articles on asexuality, they also call for submissions of people's personal stories of being LGBTQA etc. So I wrote down my personal story of being ace and here it is, so far (apart from the articles) it is the first 'personal story' listed under the 'asexuality heading, I hope others may share their stories on this awesome website too :D

http://www.matthewsplace.com/personal-story/asexuality-asexual-personal-story-ace/

Making Asexuality Visible
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Sep 30 2014 6:08AM

By Sue

Asexuality must not stay invisible. I didn’t even know what I was until I was 22.

“Asexual” describes a person “who does not experience sexual attraction,” but what happens when you don’t know that?

It’s evening in early 2014; I’m 22 and relaxing with some awesome women I’m in a theatre show with. We’ve just had a hilarious round of the adult card game, “Clusterfuck!” Now those who drink are indulging in wine. I, as a teetotaller, am soaking up the ambiance. Conversations drift back and forth.

One of the women starts recounting trying to get the right performance out of a virgin theatre student, and trying to explain to this student the “floaty, glowing feeling of just having had awesome sex.” I sit back a little, staring into the fire, looking away from everyone’s eyes. I’ve earned respect and acceptance in this group; it’s rare for me, and I don’t want to lose that. Will they start treating me like a child if they realize I’m still a virgin? Will they think I am some sort of moral prude, some pariah to be shunned? I keep quiet and disengage from the conversation, which has turned to relationships and casual sex. They are probably the most accepting group I have ever met. The person who really has a problem with my sexual status is me.

At that point “cute,” “sweet,” and “naive” were labels I had been trying to shake off for years. It wasn’t easy, at 22 my biggest vice was chocolate, and I’d never been kissed.

So, I lied – to myself mainly. “I’m just not attractive enough. If someone wants me, my feelings will somehow change.” But people had expressed interest in me before, and I had made it clear I didn’t share that interest.

I had heard the term “asexual” several years earlier. I somehow had the idea it meant that you didn’t enjoy sex. I wondered if I might be asexual, but I believed I had to have sex to find out, so I would never know. I had no desire to have sex. Nearly a year later, the irony is almost funny.

Looking back I realize I subconsciously knew something was off. Desperately had I imagined kissing a man, taking his top off… ugh! No! Stop! Not appealing. “Maybe I’m a lesbian?” I thought. I imagined standing with a woman, my lips getting closer to hers… Nope, that was slightly worse.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? What is wrong with the world? Why don’t things add up? I wondered these things desperately.

And all around me sexualized society continued. Classmates talked about how, “This other girl just needed a really good fuck, and then she wouldn’t be uptight.” Girls I knew accidentally got pregnant. Ads waved boobs and abs at me. Movies showed that all you need to be happy is a “happily ever after” with a “healthy sex life.” My tertiary theatre class did a trip to a burlesque circus show, and an almost naked guy waved his butt in my face. None of it made sense to me. Something was missing. Something was wrong.
Lonely, confused, and depressed I finally found my way to AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network). I started reading, and asking questions – like a drowning woman clinging to a life raft. In the privacy of my own room I laughed and danced with delight, then cried my eyes out in sorrow. I had found my label, I understood the piece of information that had been missing I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone. I am asexual – and probably “grey-heteroromantic.”

And now I have to live with my asexuality. No matter how hard I try I can’t change; I can’t feel what I don’t. I have people in my life who I will never tell because they won’t believe and won’t accept me. For a long time I didn’t even accept myself – through ignorance.

This is why, when I read comments on articles about asexuality asking, “Why do asexuals even need visibility?” or “Why do you need understanding? It isn’t like there’s any discrimination against people who don’t have sex.” I die a little inside.

Silence hurts. Silence isolates and confuses. Silence means no one knows what “asexual” means, and I am stuck and considered less of a person. I must be silent when sex is mentioned and invent a first kiss story. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I am afraid people won’t accept me if I tell the truth.

Silence means I did not know my own sexual orientation until I was 22 years old.

Editor’s Note: For more information on asexuality, check out MatthewsPlace.com’s in-depth series “Ace Talk.” You can find it here.

Edited by Heart
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That was awesome.

Having been in denial of myself and not finding out about asexuality until I was 25, I can definitely relate.

Thank you for sharing :)

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Thanks...great vibes and well-written! Cia :)

[NZer forever]

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Ace, great article! You wrote it beautifully, and really captured how I feel too! Thanks for putting yourself out there, fantastic piece! :wub:

:lots of cake:

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I didnt find out about asexuality until I was 19, and I can certainly relate to a lot of your story. You perfectly captured one of the main reasons why we need visibility- so that people who don't fit into society's sexual culture don't feel alone or broken. Thanks for sharing! :D

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I love reading stories like these, because they're so true to what we go through in life. We're just expected to go along the 'known' sexualities, I didn't know about gay or straight until highschool was almost over, and while I'd seen the word asexual I never understood it applied to me until I was 19, and because I was so worried it would lead to a life without love, or a relationship, I ignored it and stayed 'straight' until 24 where I finally gave up on the pretense and accepted myself. Life isn't perfect, and I doubt it ever will be, I still don't have a relationship but at least I'm happier with myself.

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