Disposable Relationships; What's the Point?

[starguitar]

Does there even need to be a reason that we can understand? It's their lives, their choice. We might not understand or agree, but it's not up to us to comment - it's not really relevant to our own lives. As long as it's consensual and not hurting anyone, why should it matter? It's up to the individual to decide what is best for them, and other people should let them be.

[Rising Sun]

I can only approach this from my own aromantic-spectrum perspective.

Dating is so bizarre and totally counterintuitive to me, but I can understand in theory how it works the way you test drive cars before you choose one to buy. When you start out young, you don't know what you want, and each person you date helps you to refine your desire by showing you stuff you like and stuff you dislike. Because serial monogamy is the norm and because most romantic people are on a mission to find that culturally endorsed One True Romantic Love they can marry and be with forever, it's logical that most people would go, "Well, I'm going to look around and get involved with different people and hope one of them sticks but if it becomes clear they're not The One, I'm out." If you're going to tie yourself down to someone else expecting it to be forever, you better be damn sure you're going to like that person that long--and let's be real, half the time, it doesn't work out even when people get to a point where they feel like they want it to. It's stupid to make a forever commitment to the first thing that comes along, and even if you do, you'll end up breaking it off later. Usually.

From my own personal perspective, though, when it comes to my intimate relationships/friendships, I've always been long-term oriented. Always. I pretty much have two settings: "I don't care about you or this relationship, do whatever you want" and "I love you completely and I want us to be closely connected until I die." Most people don't get out of the first category. And if someone makes it into the second category, then I'm going to obviously invest my heart and time and attention to that friendship and that person and do whatever I can to nurture our connection. It's very important to me that if I get emotionally attached to someone, if I love them, that the relationship lasts a long time and gets progressively better over time, and if someone I love suddenly or even gradually dropped out of my life while I'm going along happy with them or at least still seeing the relationship as predominantly positive, I wouldn't take it well at all. It's one of the many reasons why I'm so picky about who I pursue real friendship with. And slow-moving.

Anyway. I do think that, whether you're talking about romantic relationships or friendships, there's a real lack of loyalty and unconditional love amongst people. Those are two elements that are required for long-lasting relationship of any kind; they are at the basis of every single relationship that goes on for decades happily, especially if you're talking about serious friendship. I strongly feel that it's this lack of those qualities that often plays a part in personal relationships ending. People are lazy and flighty and have short emotional attention spans, and they often think that if a relationship--whether romantic or friendly--doesn't just effortlessly work all day every day, that it's gotta be trashed and replaced. The truth is, there are more people in the world who are only willing to be committed to someone when it's easy. And if it gets hard, they leave. If they have to actually do emotional work for the growth or survival of a connection, they walk away or stay and refuse to do anything, which leads to the relationship sucking, which makes both people want to end it.

I'm always skeptical of the online choir who are so quick to defend short-term relationships, whether romantic or friendly, as an ongoing pattern in life--not because there's anything innately wrong with short-term relationships but because I think that frequently, the attitude of "Only stay as long as you're happy because relationships should be happy" is a cop-out cover for "I don't have what it takes to be loyal, I don't want to even try to be an unconditionally loving person, I'm not willing to put up with turbulence, I get bored and I'm chasing thrills, I'm using people to try to make up for all my personal development weak spots that I'm not actually addressing, etc, etc." Yes, relationships are for joy--but if you think that anybody on this planet needs to behave 24/7 the way you think they should, in order for you to be happy, you're mistaken. And if you think that a relationship is only good or right for you if it's sunshine and rainbows nonstop forevermore, you're delusional and will never find that. Long-lasting relationships are what they are because the people in them choose to stay with it even when it might be easier to leave. I'd bet money that there isn't a relationship on earth that's made it several decades that did not, at least once, reach a point where one or both people could have or thought about ending it for whatever reason--and instead they decided to stick it out. Happy, long-lasting relationships happen between people who realize that nobody is perfect and they willingly and lovingly accept each other's shortcomings and flaws and learn to live with them. Which goes back to unconditional love. Which also ties to forgiveness, another essential ingredient in long-lasting relationships. If you're not willing to forgive someone for fucking up, which they will inevitably do, then yeah, you're going to end the relationship or let that unforgiving fester until it poisons the relationship.

So basically, people need to be real about why they break commitments or why they never make any at all. And they need to learn that the attitude of "I only love you as long you as please me and make me happy" is the dictionary definition of conditional love. If that's all you want to do, it's your life, but I'd appreciate a heads up from people like that right away, so I know not to even contemplate them as anything serious.

Very interesting analysis. I've come to the same conclusion as a romantic person too, and I follow the same rules to handle my relationships well.

After all, these rules are the same inside families, which are bound by unconditional love. Only an abusive or really horrible family could push us to break such a commitment. It's 99% unconditional love.

We shouldn't reserve this 99% unconditional love to people who share DNA with us. We have the possibility in our life to choose people and invite them to be our chosen family (especially our partner (s)). It's a wonderful concept. The choice to take this opportunity or not is ours.

[Guest]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

That's nice ^~^ I don't want my sweet to feel stuck with me, but I'm definitely stuck loving her ^~^ It's not something I can just turn off or ignore. I just love her so much ^~^ If I lost her... I don't know. But she should feel free.

I can't really imagine anything right now that would make me stop loving R,, either... I've never before managed in my life to stay this solidly in a loving state of mind for somebody. :)

It's just that love is neccessary, but insufficent to build a healthy relationship on. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to accept the end of the relationship, and let the partner go their own way without you.

[Rising Sun]

I also agree with you Mysticus about feeling stuck with someone. It can happen in a loving relationship. However as you said, love isn't enough. As long as the relationship is respectful and feelings are intended to be sustained, if no accident happens, feelings have no reason to fade.

I personally consider commitment not as "I promise to be together forever", but as "I promise to not stop to love and respect you, and I will forgive your mistakes, because you're a good person and nobody is perfect on Earth". But that's also why I couldn't ever conceive to be in a relationship with someone I don't really know to the core, which requires a lot of time and absolute trust. If I don't know my potential partner this deep, and he wants to start a relationship with me, it doesn't matter how much I like this man, I will say no to him.

Because there is no commitment if there is no respect. I would even say that mutual respect goes first and feelings are second in comparison.

[Theoryal]

"When I find something I like, I stick to it" -Steinbrenner from Seinfeld

That describes my life to the deepest extent. I get the same thing every time I go to a restaurant. I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it. And I don't get into disposable relationships.

These things seem to be everywhere; people just dating without really planning to stick to it, not even being serious about it.

I'm like you. I have a hard time understanding how someone can really 'love' something (or someone) for a short time and then just be over it and totally uninterested later. Even when I acquire new interests it doesn't lessen how much I like the interests I already have, and this goes for friends that I've drifted away from due to changing schools or moving away etc. I don't really have less interest in them I'm just unable to actively pursue the friendship like I used to. With a person I'd have to be seriously hurt to actually want to move on and forget them. I definitely don't understand having a 'relationship' that you're not serious about, that's just for passing the time or whatever.... especially when your feelings do get involved while expecting it not to last - isn't that asking for heartache? I really can't understand just hanging out with someone briefly or just having fun for a little while without expecting and wanting it to be long term....as if all people are interchangeable or something? I don't know, for me if I want to be your friend that doesn't mean just for tonight or just for a few months, and romance is something that really needs time to develop. I guess I feel like anything I need relationally can come from friendships, so I never needed a romantic relationship to... hold me over or something.

All through my childhood and teenage years I just seemed to go about 'relationships' differently than other girls my age. I never had 'crushes' like they talked about; I could identify people as good looking or having a good personality but that didn't trigger idealistic imaginary hopes about being 'with' them someday. I often had a rather detached objective evaluation of them considering all the practical factors as to why it would be good or even possible to have such a relationship with them (or not), and felt a friendship would have to come first in order to further confirm whether or not they'd be someone I could actually trust and live with. I feel like I sort of held my heart in reserve. I guess I always felt like romance was serious, something for long term, committed relationships only. I guess a lot of people have a different concept of romantic interest. At any rate, this approach has resulted in me only having one romantic relationship, and I married him :)

[SuperHorace]

I guess a lot of people have a different concept of romantic interest. At any rate, this approach has resulted in me only having one romantic relationship, and I married him :)

If there's any right way to do it, that's it ^~^

[Ziggy_G]

I used to date people just for all sorts of other reasons, entertainment, free stuff, feeling important and valued. Of course that's before I realised I was aromantic asexual and everyone else was having more serious feeling about it then that. At which time I decided to cease. Because thats just not fair on the other person.

[littleheartsofjoy]

I ditto what was said.

As much I would like to have someone that I would be open to spending the rest of my life with, I think it can be kind of dangerous to assume that everyone you enter relationship with, can be that person for you, and if not, it's a disposable relationship. Some people just don't want to be alone, so they might do that. A truly disposable relationship is useless to me, because I would feel like I have wasted my time.

[MadRat]

I ditto what was said.

As much I would like to have someone that I would be open to spending the rest of my life with, I think it can be kind of dangerous to assume that everyone you enter relationship with, can be that person for you, and if not, it's a disposable relationship. Some people just don't want to be alone, so they might do that. A truly disposable relationship is useless to me, because I would feel like I have wasted my time.

I don´t think this was the point of this thread. IMO the point is that people todays usually just use others for fun, don´t take anything seriously, break-up for any little preudo-reason instead of trying to make things work...