Disposable Relationships; What's the Point?

[SuperHorace]

"When I find something I like, I stick to it" -Steinbrenner from Seinfeld

That describes my life to the deepest extent. I get the same thing every time I go to a restaurant. I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it. And I don't get into disposable relationships.

These things seem to be everywhere; people just dating without really planning to stick to it, not even being serious about it. Having only ever liked one person, and planning to marry her, this makes no sense to me. Why be in a relationship that you don't plan to stick with for perhaps your entire life? Anything anybody wants to say?

[Chewy]

People are bored and they feel the need to be stimulated by "relationships" they need some dramas in the lives. At the same time they have no idea what commitment or loving someone really means. It's all play for a good time.

[Rising Sun]

I wish there were more people who have the same values as you, SuperHorace. Unfortunately, they seem to have become relatively uncommon.

[wolfpup]

.

[The Great WTF]

Because they don't know what they want, because they're not wired for singular monogamy, because they're not sure and want to give it a shot, because they want to have some fun and find out what works for them and what doesn't, because they aren't ready for commitment just yet, the list is endless, but for the most part it boils down to: not everyone has or wants a love of their life like you have. Not everyone's lucky enough to fall for, click with, and form a relationship with one person and make it work.

I don't know or care if I'm going to be with my partner forever. I don't like dealing in abstracts like forever or for life, because life changes people. I think it's a lot healthier to approach a relationship with a healthy sense of 'I'll be okay if this doesn't work out' than to dive into every relationship with the intention of having a forever with them.

[Chewy]

Are robots becoming more like humans or are humans becoming more like robots? I think humanity is losing their human side.

[Ficulnean]

Hey, I agree with you that this is too much of a current trend, so I'm just going to play devils advocate.

1. If both parties agree, it's good fun.

2. The mindset of "forever" relations being the norm in society has been the driving force behind people staying in abusive relationships.

[5_♦♣]

Wouldn't it be more robotic to be at the whim of one person who claims to love you and stay with them forever?

[Ficulnean]

Wouldn't it be more robotic to be at the whim of one person who claims to love you and stay with them forever?

It would be more robotic to do whichever one you're programed to, because robots have no pre-defined nature. So, without relying on connotative meaning, things like this cannot be said to be robotic. . . . I think maybe I should . . . ignore this.

[Guest]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

[Amatista]

That's why I never dated in high school. What's the point if you're just gonna break up before graduation? I guess its entertaining? And some people don't like to commit. They just live in the present and enjoy what they have while it lasts. And there's no guarantee that everyone will end up married or with someone for the rest of their lives. & Committing to one person with your whole heart means that you will get hurt if it doesn't work out.

[SuperHorace]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

That's nice ^~^ I don't want my sweet to feel stuck with me, but I'm definitely stuck loving her ^~^ It's not something I can just turn off or ignore. I just love her so much ^~^ If I lost her... I don't know. But she should feel free.

[Fire & Rain]

Because my definition of love doesn't include any of that. Simple as that. People make empty promises all the time. Who knows what will happen tomorrow? In a perfect world, I would be with my squishes for many years to come but I have my own life to think about. Sometimes people fall apart over time. Their feelings could change. I will never tie my squishes down with anything. As long as we still care for each other we will cherish every moment of that because that's more than enough for us. Just because a relationship wasn't long term doesn't mean the feelings weren't real. I had to let my first squish go and live her life and I will never regret that decision.

[That Ginger Kid]

I've never understood those silly few-week-long things. They never made sense to me. I asked my lottle sister what the haps is with them and she says it's a great way to figure out what you want in a person. I asked why not just stock with one person until you find out they're not for you and she said "I'm a teenager, I do stupid stuff!" Not too introspective, but maybe a little bit of knowledge for us. I doubt many of us think like the typical person (from what I've asked from sexual friends and such, they like a person and imagine sexual stuff with them, which I find bizarre) so maybe much of anything helps? I dunno.

[The Wreyck]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

Considering that I only recently discovered any form or romantic attraction, I can't really say that I am polyamorous in romantic relationships, because I'm probably not. However, while identifying as aromantic I've always been rather poly with the closest thing to romance I had, which was extremely intense, intimate QPRs that were really just barely one step away from being romantic. And just about everything else you stated about affection and relationships I agree with very strongly. I mean, I do aim for commitment and loyalty, it's just an aspect of myself that I very rarely feel a strong emotional connection to someone that is able to disappear. But it has, and many a time I've felt obligated to stay with someone because of the requirement of commitment and loyalty. And, that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason these days to me. At all.

Some people like the idea of becoming one unit with the person they love. I don't. I love the idea of two units who do wonderfully on their own but achieve even more when linked together. I have for the first time discovered romantic attraction, and I am in monogamous relationship (currently monogamous) with him that is aiming towards long term, but I don't feel that it is a requirement. I am fine with letting it go if forcing it to stay will turn it into something ugly. If we can someday no longer create something beautiful by working together, then what is the point? And even though I say we're relatively monogamous and long term, we aren't really forcing it. There's no officially defining our relationship, it is just a connection to each other that we crave. We force no rules or requirements to it, and that makes it feel safe to me. That there's no expectations, just the connection that holds us together for now, maybe forever but not necessarily.

I don't need him. For me to need any other human is just a ludicrous idea in my mind. I want him, I want him on such this intense level that it holds me to him. And, to me that is enough. It's perfect. For me to ever feel like I need him seems dangerous. I feel much more comfortable with the idea that he is with me and I with him because we want to be with each other and are actively choosing to be with each other. I'm actually very picky about the words "I'll be with you forever" or "Never leave me". What right do I have to put that pressure on someone, and what right do they have to make me feel like I need to put that pressure on myself? I can feel and sense when someone is committed to me, and that is enough, it is more than enough. Anymore than that, and I would feel trapped and need to break free of it and flee the situation. But I would feel guilty for doing that also, so it's a very detrimental relationship for me to enter.

[Fire & Rain]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

Considering that I only recently discovered any form or romantic attraction, I can't really say that I am polyamorous in romantic relationships, because I'm probably not. However, while identifying as aromantic I've always been rather poly with the closest thing to romance I had, which was extremely intense, intimate QPRs that were really just barely one step away from being romantic. And just about everything else you stated about affection and relationships I agree with very strongly. I mean, I do aim for commitment and loyalty, it's just an aspect of myself that I very rarely feel a strong emotional connection to someone that is able to disappear. But it has, and many a time I've felt obligated to stay with someone because of the requirement of commitment and loyalty. And, that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason these days to me. At all.

Some people like the idea of becoming one unit with the person they love. I don't. I love the idea of two units who do wonderfully on their own but achieve even more when linked together. I have for the first time discovered romantic attraction, and I am in monogamous relationship (currently monogamous) with him that is aiming towards long term, but I don't feel that it is a requirement. I am fine with letting it go if forcing it to stay will turn it into something ugly. If we can someday no longer create something beautiful by working together, then what is the point? And even though I say we're relatively monogamous and long term, we aren't really forcing it. There's no officially defining our relationship, it is just a connection to each other that we crave. We force no rules or requirements to it, and that makes it feel safe to me. That there's no expectations, just the connection that holds us together for now, maybe forever but not necessarily.

I don't need him. For me to need any other human is just a ludicrous idea in my mind. I want him, I want him on such this intense level that it holds me to him. And, to me that is enough. It's perfect. For me to ever feel like I need him seems dangerous. I feel much more comfortable with the idea that he is with me and I with him because we want to be with each other and are actively choosing to be with each other. I'm actually very picky about the words "I'll be with you forever" or "Never leave me". What right do I have to put that pressure on someone, and what right do they have to make me feel like I need to put that pressure on myself? I can feel and sense when someone is committed to me, and that is enough, it is more than enough. Anymore than that, and I would feel trapped and need to break free of it and flee the situation. But I would feel guilty for doing that also, so it's a very detrimental relationship for me to enter.

Best thing I've read in a while :D A thousand likes!!

[The Wreyck]

Some people like the idea of becoming one unit with the person they love. I don't. I love the idea of two units who do wonderfully on their own but achieve even more when linked together.

Best thing I've read in a while :D A thousand likes!!

I dunno, maybe it's because I'm grey-aromantic, heavy on the aromantic (even in a dedicated relationship there are days that I just don't feel romantic at all). I'm highly independent, was raised in an environment that forced me to be that way, and I don't feel a need to have anyone end that. I mean, I want to be able to become a "we" with my SO, and I want to be able to depend on him. But I don't feel that I actually need it, and I don't want to ever need it. I will lose who I am and what makes me so absolutely wonderful and what he loves if I ever stopped being able to still be my own self who can live wonderfully like that. But he and I do achieve so much that I could never have achieved when without a romantic partner, and I kind of like some of those things quite a bit. I do want them and intend to keep working towards keeping them. But it won't be the end of my life if I don't continue to have those things and him till the end of my life.

[WünderBâhr]

The question sort of assumes that those involved in the relationship have mutually decided that it will be a "disposable" one. Not committing to a lifelong relationship, whether by action or by word, does not necessarily mean that the person(s) involved see it as disposable. Some people look at relationships in "day by day" mode because they never know when/how things will change. One partner may be more serious than the other, and find themselves in a predicament when they both discover they're not on the same page.

To call them disposable relationships also sort of implies that everyone involved is just in it for that no-strings-attached sort of fun. There's nothing wrong with that, either, provided everyone involved is on board and okay with that. Perhaps that is the most "commitment" they can afford, at the time. Perhaps they don't want to be with anyone else, forever (or at all). The only time I would see that as a problem is if they are in a relationship with someone who is looking forward to that type of committed relationship, and one or both end up hurt because of that. Or it could be another problem entirely, like mentioned above, where someone is stuck in an abusive relationship because they committed for life.

Look at most of the decisions made throughout life? Hairstyles, mannerisms, music, passions, interests, the way people identify, how they get along with family, etc. It all changes with different stages of evolution.

It isn't a one-size-fits-all world, so...

I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it

But you eventually play a different game, right?

[Neurula]

"When I find something I like, I stick to it" -Steinbrenner from Seinfeld

That describes my life to the deepest extent. I get the same thing every time I go to a restaurant. I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it. And I don't get into disposable relationships.

These things seem to be everywhere; people just dating without really planning to stick to it, not even being serious about it. Having only ever liked one person, and planning to marry her, this makes no sense to me. Why be in a relationship that you don't plan to stick with for perhaps your entire life? Anything anybody wants to say?

As an aromantic, I've wondered the same thing for a while. I eventually came to the conclusion that people enter these relationships for fun, strange as that may seem. Being romantic is fun for them, and entering a relationship allows them to be romantic. They like to have a boyfriend around to spend time with, kiss, look at their face (because they are attracted to it), have sex, feel attractive, etc. As you can see, there's nothing logical about it. They're not saying "I want to find someone who I am compatible with and can spend the rest of my life with." Instead they feel "this guy is hot, he fulfills my lust, I like going to dinner with him."

I read some other replies that said that people date to find out what they want. Wow, that's a new one. I don't think I could've ever come up with such a thought.

[SuperHorace]

I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it

But you eventually play a different game, right?

Of course, but I played the same game for two years. The one I just picked up will probably last a while.

[The Wreyck]

I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it

But you eventually play a different game, right?

Of course, but I played the same game for two years. The one I just picked up will probably last a while.

I think the point trying to be made was that you weren't viewing your game as disposable, but you also did not stay with it forever. And you don't view your new game as disposable either, but you don't expect that it will last forever. And who knows, you may decide tomorrow that you don't like it anymore, life is full of surprises. And the same is with relationships. Many people aren't treating the relationship as disposable, but they are acknowledging that it may not last forever, because life is full of surprises.

[SuperHorace]

I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it

But you eventually play a different game, right?

Of course, but I played the same game for two years. The one I just picked up will probably last a while.

I think the point trying to be made was that you weren't viewing your game as disposable, but you also did not stay with it forever. And you don't view your new game as disposable either, but you don't expect that it will last forever. And who knows, you may decide tomorrow that you don't like it anymore, life is full of surprises. And the same is with relationships. Many people aren't treating the relationship as disposable, but they are acknowledging that it may not last forever, because life is full of surprises.

But this love is wild, Why. It renews itself overtime. Every few months or so, I launch into a crazy bout of loving her to the extremes of when I first fell for her, and she always amazes me. It's not metaphoric. She's something more. She's infinitely special.

[The Wreyck]

I play a new game until I can't bear to play it anymore because I'm just THAT done with it

But you eventually play a different game, right?

Of course, but I played the same game for two years. The one I just picked up will probably last a while.

I think the point trying to be made was that you weren't viewing your game as disposable, but you also did not stay with it forever. And you don't view your new game as disposable either, but you don't expect that it will last forever. And who knows, you may decide tomorrow that you don't like it anymore, life is full of surprises. And the same is with relationships. Many people aren't treating the relationship as disposable, but they are acknowledging that it may not last forever, because life is full of surprises.

But this love is wild, Why. It renews itself overtime. Every few months or so, I launch into a crazy bout of loving her to the extremes of when I first fell for her, and she always amazes me. It's not metaphoric. She's something more. She's infinitely special.

I'm not saying that it won't last forever, Horace, only that we never know. I believe that my love for my honey will never end, but then again I don't really know because you can never know the future.

[Ficulnean]

I'm not saying that it won't last forever, Horace, only that we never know. I believe that my love for my honey will never end, but then again I don't really know because you can never know the future.

I'm going to point of that the definition of "forever" is something no love has managed. It just manages for a lifetime. I know this is what you meant, but in some philosophies there is actually a really important distinction about this when talking about the nature of love.

[The Wreyck]

I'm not saying that it won't last forever, Horace, only that we never know. I believe that my love for my honey will never end, but then again I don't really know because you can never know the future.

I'm going to point of that the definition of "forever" is something no love has managed. It just manages for a lifetime. I know this is what you meant, but in some philosophies there is actually a really important distinction about this when talking about the nature of love.

I love that you pointed this out, and I would also like to add that I do believe that my love can last past my lifetime. I believe in life after death, and I believe that it is possible for the love to carry over into that life after we die here on earth as well.

[Mayonasium]

While completely agreeing with you, let me take my own stab at guessing why people enter into relationships without any intent of commitment.

From what I have seen for myself, a lot of people get into relationships with the intent of getting to know the other person. A relationship isn't established with the context of, "we're going to be together" so much as it is "we're learning about each other". Now, from my point of view this is just silly. Why would you enter into a relationship with someone you don't know that well? I've always thought of dating as a way to see if you were compatible in the long term, not a way to find new friendships. I guess really it depends on how you define a relationship and what you want out of it.

[scarletlatitude]

Aside from being thoroughly non-monogamous, it's simply impossible for me to feel love and respect for someone if there's any kind of formal commitment (let alone exclusivity *shudder*) between us. It's very important for me to know that all partners are free to leave the ship at any time, for any reason, and to know that relationships are always for now, spending time together because we happen to repeatedly choose to do so, due to enjoying each other's company... not because of any contractual obligations we have to fulfill whether we like it or not. I can only love on the basis of autonomy, freedom, and independence - remaining a clear "I" over here, and a clear "You" over there, with any "We" happening incidentally, on a secondary level.

And with R. and me, that's worked just fine for over six years now, day by day. There's always the (vague, and not terribly likely, but always consciously acknowledged) chance that our ship might simply end tomorrow - and that's a big part of what makes it precious to me. Knowing that I don't need her, she doesn't need me, and neither of us is in any way obliged to spend time with the other... and still actively choosing to spend time together anyway, over and over again, just for the joy of each other's company in that very moment; neither knowing nor caring what happens in the distant future of three months down the line. I can't imagine a more loving climate to be in. :)

I'd hate the feeling of being stuck with someone... and I have no doubt that I would pretty quickly come to resent anyone who'd give me that feeling of imprisonment. For me, that would be a surefire recipe to ruin any attempt at a relationship, and turn it into a loveless desaster. I'll pass on wasting both my and any potential partner's time on that.

Considering that I only recently discovered any form or romantic attraction, I can't really say that I am polyamorous in romantic relationships, because I'm probably not. However, while identifying as aromantic I've always been rather poly with the closest thing to romance I had, which was extremely intense, intimate QPRs that were really just barely one step away from being romantic. And just about everything else you stated about affection and relationships I agree with very strongly. I mean, I do aim for commitment and loyalty, it's just an aspect of myself that I very rarely feel a strong emotional connection to someone that is able to disappear. But it has, and many a time I've felt obligated to stay with someone because of the requirement of commitment and loyalty. And, that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason these days to me. At all.

Some people like the idea of becoming one unit with the person they love. I don't. I love the idea of two units who do wonderfully on their own but achieve even more when linked together. I have for the first time discovered romantic attraction, and I am in monogamous relationship (currently monogamous) with him that is aiming towards long term, but I don't feel that it is a requirement. I am fine with letting it go if forcing it to stay will turn it into something ugly. If we can someday no longer create something beautiful by working together, then what is the point? And even though I say we're relatively monogamous and long term, we aren't really forcing it. There's no officially defining our relationship, it is just a connection to each other that we crave. We force no rules or requirements to it, and that makes it feel safe to me. That there's no expectations, just the connection that holds us together for now, maybe forever but not necessarily.

I don't need him. For me to need any other human is just a ludicrous idea in my mind. I want him, I want him on such this intense level that it holds me to him. And, to me that is enough. It's perfect. For me to ever feel like I need him seems dangerous. I feel much more comfortable with the idea that he is with me and I with him because we want to be with each other and are actively choosing to be with each other. I'm actually very picky about the words "I'll be with you forever" or "Never leave me". What right do I have to put that pressure on someone, and what right do they have to make me feel like I need to put that pressure on myself? I can feel and sense when someone is committed to me, and that is enough, it is more than enough. Anymore than that, and I would feel trapped and need to break free of it and flee the situation. But I would feel guilty for doing that also, so it's a very detrimental relationship for me to enter.

YES. All of the yes. :)

I am a very independent woman. If I ever did find someone, I want that person to view us as equals. I think that far too often people see relationships as a dictatorship rather than a democracy. The first time the man suggests in any way that I am anything less than he is, that relationship is over for me.

But getting back to the original post, I do think that a lot of people are more into "hook ups" rather than meaningful relationships. Maybe the culture is changing for young people?

[Notte stellata]

I think the point trying to be made was that you weren't viewing your game as disposable, but you also did not stay with it forever. And you don't view your new game as disposable either, but you don't expect that it will last forever. And who knows, you may decide tomorrow that you don't like it anymore, life is full of surprises. And the same is with relationships. Many people aren't treating the relationship as disposable, but they are acknowledging that it may not last forever, because life is full of surprises.

This. There's a difference between "disposable" and living in the moment without expecting a relationship to last a certain length of time. I do wish my relationships to last many years, but I don't expect or promise it. We can't predict the future, so what's the point of promising to stay with someone forever? Better to cherish every day you genuinely enjoy spending together and part amicably when the relationship doesn't work anymore.

What I consider "disposable relationships" are relationships where one or both parties know from the beginning that the relationship will end at some point, usually not far in the future. e.g. A person temporarily moves to a new city and casually dates people there, knowing that the relationship will end once they move back; or a mono person dates a poly person until they find another partner who is willing to be monogamous with them. I think it's okay as long as both parties are on the same page from the beginning (more likely to be the case in the first scenario than in the second), but I won't enter such relationships myself. If I really like someone, I want us to maintain our relationship as long as it makes us happy; if I don't like them that much, I have no interest in "casual dating" at all.

[MadRat]

People are stupid and heartless and don´t care how much pain can their irresponsibility cause to someone.

[passionatefriend61]

I can only approach this from my own aromantic-spectrum perspective.

Dating is so bizarre and totally counterintuitive to me, but I can understand in theory how it works the way you test drive cars before you choose one to buy. When you start out young, you don't know what you want, and each person you date helps you to refine your desire by showing you stuff you like and stuff you dislike. Because serial monogamy is the norm and because most romantic people are on a mission to find that culturally endorsed One True Romantic Love they can marry and be with forever, it's logical that most people would go, "Well, I'm going to look around and get involved with different people and hope one of them sticks but if it becomes clear they're not The One, I'm out." If you're going to tie yourself down to someone else expecting it to be forever, you better be damn sure you're going to like that person that long--and let's be real, half the time, it doesn't work out even when people get to a point where they feel like they want it to. It's stupid to make a forever commitment to the first thing that comes along, and even if you do, you'll end up breaking it off later. Usually.

From my own personal perspective, though, when it comes to my intimate relationships/friendships, I've always been long-term oriented. Always. I pretty much have two settings: "I don't care about you or this relationship, do whatever you want" and "I love you completely and I want us to be closely connected until I die." Most people don't get out of the first category. And if someone makes it into the second category, then I'm going to obviously invest my heart and time and attention to that friendship and that person and do whatever I can to nurture our connection. It's very important to me that if I get emotionally attached to someone, if I love them, that the relationship lasts a long time and gets progressively better over time, and if someone I love suddenly or even gradually dropped out of my life while I'm going along happy with them or at least still seeing the relationship as predominantly positive, I wouldn't take it well at all. It's one of the many reasons why I'm so picky about who I pursue real friendship with. And slow-moving.

Anyway. I do think that, whether you're talking about romantic relationships or friendships, there's a real lack of loyalty and unconditional love amongst people. Those are two elements that are required for long-lasting relationship of any kind; they are at the basis of every single relationship that goes on for decades happily, especially if you're talking about serious friendship. I strongly feel that it's this lack of those qualities that often plays a part in personal relationships ending. People are lazy and flighty and have short emotional attention spans, and they often think that if a relationship--whether romantic or friendly--doesn't just effortlessly work all day every day, that it's gotta be trashed and replaced. The truth is, there are more people in the world who are only willing to be committed to someone when it's easy. And if it gets hard, they leave. If they have to actually do emotional work for the growth or survival of a connection, they walk away or stay and refuse to do anything, which leads to the relationship sucking, which makes both people want to end it.

I'm always skeptical of the online choir who are so quick to defend short-term relationships, whether romantic or friendly, as an ongoing pattern in life--not because there's anything innately wrong with short-term relationships but because I think that frequently, the attitude of "Only stay as long as you're happy because relationships should be happy" is a cop-out cover for "I don't have what it takes to be loyal, I don't want to even try to be an unconditionally loving person, I'm not willing to put up with turbulence, I get bored and I'm chasing thrills, I'm using people to try to make up for all my personal development weak spots that I'm not actually addressing, etc, etc." Yes, relationships are for joy--but if you think that anybody on this planet needs to behave 24/7 the way you think they should, in order for you to be happy, you're mistaken. And if you think that a relationship is only good or right for you if it's sunshine and rainbows nonstop forevermore, you're delusional and will never find that. Long-lasting relationships are what they are because the people in them choose to stay with it even when it might be easier to leave. I'd bet money that there isn't a relationship on earth that's made it several decades that did not, at least once, reach a point where one or both people could have or thought about ending it for whatever reason--and instead they decided to stick it out. Happy, long-lasting relationships happen between people who realize that nobody is perfect and they willingly and lovingly accept each other's shortcomings and flaws and learn to live with them. Which goes back to unconditional love. Which also ties to forgiveness, another essential ingredient in long-lasting relationships. If you're not willing to forgive someone for fucking up, which they will inevitably do, then yeah, you're going to end the relationship or let that unforgiving fester until it poisons the relationship.

So basically, people need to be real about why they break commitments or why they never make any at all. And they need to learn that the attitude of "I only love you as long you as please me and make me happy" is the dictionary definition of conditional love. If that's all you want to do, it's your life, but I'd appreciate a heads up from people like that right away, so I know not to even contemplate them as anything serious.