The Friendship Ship

[PianoKeys]

Sorry for the silly title. I'm rubbish at coming up with good titles.

Okay soooo, I just had another little epiphany while going through old threads (I keep having them, maybe it's because I've never met another Asexual in real life and never had all of those 'talks' I'm sure I would have if I did).

Do any of you think that your 'normal' everyday friendships with other people aren't as deep and personal because you are asexual (or any other orientation on that spectrum)?

I certainly feel like I don't have many deep personal friendships anymore (the last ones I had were as a child).

I do have friends, don't get me wrong, but they are all people that are very extroverted, that will call me first and that have so many friends themselves that they won't be mad at me for not being super affectionate and not sharing all my deepest darkest secrets with them.

This situation keeps repeating in my life: I meet a new person, I think they are nice and we could be friends, I meet up with them a couple of times and think things are going great. Friendship achieved yay! And then I introduce them to one of my other friends and suddenly THEY become super close and talk a lot and after a while they meet up without me and get along so much better than I did with either of them. :D It sounds a bit sad, but it happened so many times, I can't believe it's a coincidence anymore!

Sure, there are a thousand possible reasons for that to happen, but I'm thinking it MIGHT be my asexuality and other Asexuals MIGHT have experienced similar things? Let me know :)

[Xavy]

I Can identify with this, but I don't think it is because of my asexuality, it just that I expect disappointment from people so I don't get close anyone.

[wyrdwyrm]

I think it varies - I for one usually have really close friendships that only get trumped when they find actual significant others (and will still stay pretty close after that). Don't get me wrong, I've lost friends in the way you describe as well, but I've once or twice been the person doing the stealing, too. ;)

I suppose my thinking has actually been to the contrary - because I'm asexual, I develop these really close friendships in place of the relationships everyone else has.

I've had a sexual person describe these friendships at the closeness level they reserve for romantic relationships, but they have no real close friends and all my closest friends are sexual, so...I think it's mostly unrelated to sexuality. ('Mostly' because I think some people make friendship contingent with their sexuality and others don't.)

[**Edit: Sorry if I'm rambling, I just woke up! ;) ]

[Mioav]

From what I've experienced in my many years as a solo ace, I can be very cold and find it very difficult to form close friendships with sexual people.

Since I've started joining meets, I've noticed that certain aces tend to shut you out until they know you a little more, once they do they will almost welcome you with open arms.

Its a case of people getting used to you and finding a group that suits you, once that's happened they can be very friendly and even huggable.

[Theoryal]

I suppose my thinking has actually been to the contrary - because I'm asexual, I develop these really close friendships in place of the relationships everyone else has.

I've had a sexual person describe these friendships at the closeness level they reserve for romantic relationships, but they have no real close friends and all my closest friends are sexual, so...I think it's mostly unrelated to sexuality. ('Mostly' because I think some people make friendship contingent with their sexuality and others don't.)

My experience has been similar. I've often felt like I have this natural drive to be very intimate (but not sexual) with anyone that I actually decide to let into my 'inner circle' - which is mostly anyone I would even call a 'friend' others are just acquaintances. I do feel like my idea of a good friend tends to be closer to people's idea of what a romantic relationship is like. I feel like perhaps part of the reason why I'm like this is that I don't associate a lot of things with sex (or even romance) which it seems other people do, so to me I'm free to be this close with 'just friends' while sometimes they may find my expectations a little unexpected or uncomfortable because of the way they associate certain activities. Also, there aren't a whole lot of people that I actually open up and get close to, which I think is part of it as well, I'm able to concentrate my energy on just a few people and don't spread myself thin between a lot of friends.

However, I did notice throughout my childhood that I had a series of friends that I 'rescued' from being lonely outcasts, encouraged them and built them up, and then they sort of moved on and became popular and forgot about me....

[wyrdwyrm]

I suppose my thinking has actually been to the contrary - because I'm asexual, I develop these really close friendships in place of the relationships everyone else has.

I've had a sexual person describe these friendships at the closeness level they reserve for romantic relationships, but they have no real close friends and all my closest friends are sexual, so...I think it's mostly unrelated to sexuality. ('Mostly' because I think some people make friendship contingent with their sexuality and others don't.)

My experience has been similar. I've often felt like I have this natural drive to be very intimate (but not sexual) with anyone that I actually decide to let into my 'inner circle' - which is mostly anyone I would even call a 'friend' others are just acquaintances. I do feel like my idea of a good friend tends to be closer to people's idea of what a romantic relationship is like. I feel like perhaps part of the reason why I'm like this is that I don't associate a lot of things with sex (or even romance) which it seems other people do, so to me I'm free to be this close with 'just friends' while sometimes they may find my expectations a little unexpected or uncomfortable because of the way they associate certain activities. Also, there aren't a whole lot of people that I actually open up and get close to, which I think is part of it as well, I'm able to concentrate my energy on just a few people and don't spread myself thin between a lot of friends.

However, I did notice throughout my childhood that I had a series of friends that I 'rescued' from being lonely outcasts, encouraged them and built them up, and then they sort of moved on and became popular and forgot about me....

I used to do the same thing! :D Even now, I'll gravitate towards the person hiding in the corner...make them feel welcome and comfortable...then poof! They've found new friends and disappeared.

[bonny]

My impression is that most people's "normal, everyday" friendships aren't deep at all, in fact I would call them "acquaintanceships" rather than "friendships".

I don't regard someone as a good friend unless I have a "deep, personal" relationship with them.

I identify with a lot of what @wyrdwyrm and @theoryal said above.

This situation keeps repeating in my life: I meet a new person, I think they are nice and we could be friends

That's as far as most potential friendships in my life get. Then I find that the other person is too busy / involved with their own life / partner / family and doesn't have time / space in their life for me.

[Amatista]

I think being asexual comes with a certain degree of isolation and loneliness that make it hard to get close to people. You think they won't accept you for who you really are. I had surface friends and a few close ones and now after graduation I lost the surface friends. I kept a few good ones but they moved out of state. I want real deep friendships and I can't find them. It may not be asexuality as a whole, more like what you want out of a friendship and your comfort level in dealing with people.

[Guest]

Moving this to Asexual Relationships

Wendell Testaburger, Administrator

[Theoryal]

I think being asexual comes with a certain degree of isolation and loneliness that make it hard to get close to people. You think they won't accept you for who you really are.

when so much of culture seems to revolve around sex and romantic relationships, it's easy to feel like you're always sitting on the sidelines while everyone else is busy talking about their crushes and significant others and who's 'hot' and making sexual jokes and flirting with each other even if they aren't serious. It can definitely make one feel alienated and like it's hard to connect. This could be part of why hanging out with people one-on-one rather than in a group tends to work out better for me (that and being introverted) because it reduces the likelihood that they'll get caught up in a sexual related side-track. And possibly the one-on-one time may make it more likely to form intimate friendships.

[Awesomer3]

For me I actually think it's the opposite, because I actually make a lot of close friendships. I mean there are only a few people who I would consider my best friends and who I would tell everything and who tell me everything who I keep in touch with constantly, but I also know a lot of secrets and facts about other people. Kind of like when I meet someone I start talking to them and all of a sudden I naturally start trying to be close with them or try to learn everything about them (Not a stalker I swear lol). If they aren't considered a best friend by me I might not care as much if I don't hangout with them a lot or if I were to stop talking to them, but for the time in which I'm seeing them a lot or when we hangout I end up becoming pretty close to them and help them with their problems or just know a lot about them in general. Personally I think my asexuality might be somewhat of a cause for it because there's no awkward sexual tension between me and people so I'm totally comfortable with getting close to them and kind of just do it without thinking.

I think it depends on the person though, because it seems like some asexuals are really social or friendly and they talk about having close friendships, while on the other hand I also see posts about some asexuals who are really introverted and don't have many close friendships with people at all. Ya know?

[Valja]

I do have good friends that I kept over the years. My best friend is bisexual and she could understand my asexuality, as well as my pansexual friend, but I can't tell to my sexual friends about it, so from this category remained with me only the ones who don't question me, don't talk about intimate things, so it's good. It happened when some of my 'friends' started to laugh that I don't have a relationship and I ended the friendship, crying because I cared for them but I know I did the right thing. Lately, my roommate is all about love and that I should date, wear sexy clothes for guys ( I'm like: what?), she's nice and we get along but is a gap between us to become best friends. I think you just know who can be a good friend or not, you cannot lie to yourself, even if you really want someone to be your friend.

[Ziggy_G]

I have a lot of friends I share a lot with and ones I know a lot of secrets about and such. I think because I didn't have friends as a child I made more of an effort to learn in my teens how to develop friendships dead easily,becoming a master of manipulation and the whole world is my puppets. I found the right combination of confidence, outgoingness, seeming interesting, a push and pull of kindness and meanness, making sure people laugh a lot and feel good around me (and lets be honest the advantage of the genetic lottery favouring me, because as much as I hate to say it, I think pretty people are just generally liked more for no good reason) and boom friends.

But Its actually kinda sad.

I can make friends easily, I have half a dozen people I can talk to about very personal stuff, but I dont feel close to really anyone. From an outside perspective my friendships are very deep and personal. But I find it so hard to really care about people. I want to care, I really do, but I just can't. Thats the one thing I couldn't tell them, sometimes I worry I'm a psychopath, I do wonder if it connects at all to my aromanticness. I don't so much worry about it connecting to the asexual part because I don't see how sexual orientation would link to it. But I'd honestly be okay if the people I'm 'close' to werent in my life at all. I tell my housemates I love them several times a day, but I'm actually not sure if I would be particularly upset if they died...which scares me.

Maybe its because I never learnt to have friendships growing up, maybe I've developed some deep seated walls between myself and the rest of the world due to some fear of rejection and so just default to faux friendships to keep myself safe. Or maybe I'm just a pyschopath..idk.

Don't get me wrong these aren't your normal faux friendship, I mean I'm very good, complex lies and layers of fake emotional depth and prolonged acting skills that are truely masterful, nobody would ever know. But I know, and it scares me.

I also think the fact I find it so easy to get people to be my friends makes me feel like friends are more..disposable? I don't want to feel that way, but its just kinda there..in the background.

[Fire & Rain]

I feel like my aromanticsm plays more part in it than my asexuality but that's just me.

[Corretto]

I feel like my aromanticsm plays more part in it than my asexuality but that's just me.

...no, it's not just you! I find I have to climb over the aromantic 'mountainside', before I can reach the asexual 'valley' below...Cia *shivers*

[Whispearl]

I've actually found the opposite; I think my friendships are actually stronger because I'm asexual. I mean, my friends don't really think the way I do or anything, and I have a different sort of relationship than they do with others, but I've found that I tend to be protective of the people who want to stay close with me despite things about me that would tend to turn many others away. Those are friendships I don't want to lose.

[Conscientious Ghost]

Heck yes I do think of this! I'm all board the friendship ship (I like the catchy title).

When people find out I'm disinterested in romantic and sexual relations, they feel a tiny distance in between. They acknowledge I'm a great buddy they can rely on, but the differences makes it a little difficult to dive deeper. I bet some of my everyday friends think I'm the most emotional robot to live, pft.

And yes, I can also be the friendship-version of cupid and unintentionally hook people up to become the greatest of friends. It sounds lonely, but I'm moreover happy they're getting along like it's a sib from another crib.

[Cassara]

Do any of you think that your 'normal' everyday friendships with other people aren't as deep and personal because you are asexual (or any other orientation on that spectrum)?

Au contraire, mon ami, I actually find my relationships with other people are deeper and more personal than most, and I expect it's partially due to that fact that I am asexual.

I suppose my thinking has actually been to the contrary - because I'm asexual, I develop these really close friendships in place of the relationships everyone else has.

I've had a sexual person describe these friendships at the closeness level they reserve for romantic relationships, but they have no real close friends and all my closest friends are sexual, so...I think it's mostly unrelated to sexuality. ('Mostly' because I think some people make friendship contingent with their sexuality and others don't.)

I agree completely with this, I feel like a lot of the things I do with my friends are otherwise reserved for significant others. Many of my friends are queer (not ace, but within the lgbtiap+ spectrum), which I think is helpful because they understand I'm ace and think a little bit differently about how people interact because of it. Although I formed these kinds of relationships way before I even knew I was ace.

My impression is that most people's "normal, everyday" friendships aren't deep at all, in fact I would call them "acquaintanceships" rather than "friendships".

I don't regard someone as a good friend unless I have a "deep, personal" relationship with them.

I agree. I feel like someone is just a 'good acquaintance' or a regular 'friend' if I haven't had a deep and personal relationship with them. But again, I think my asexuality has allowed me to get to know people more intimately in a platonic way because there's nothing sexual between us.

So in conclusion, no, I don't think it has to do with asexuality. Hang in there, I'm sure you'll find a fabulous group of friends to stick by you :3

[AceInhibitor]

I suppose it depends on how you're classifying your friendships. I consider myself to have several 'best' friends, and the one I feel closestto at the time varies slightly depending on the situation but I'm really close with all of them and I'd tell them pretty much everything. Me and my housemate joke that we're married, and she knows nearly everything there is to know about me (except that I'm ace, and a few other things but that's nothing to do with the level of friendship, there are some things I simply wouldn't tell anyone), as do my three best friends on my course. I've got other good friends as well but I'm not quite as close to them. I'm quite an open person anyway but it tends to be with female friends rather than males, I've just never felt I can open up to guys to the same extent. I can't imagine losing contact with my best friends when I leave home to be honest, where there's a will there's a way, but sometimes I worry they'll grow apart from me, I've grown apart from other friends before which is a pity. Think it's another reason why I haven't dated, because I haven't met someone I like romantically who I also feel I'd want to sacrifice time with my best friends for. I mean I'm fairly young but I just don't want to.

[PianoKeys]

I think being asexual comes with a certain degree of isolation and loneliness that make it hard to get close to people. You think they won't accept you for who you really are.

when so much of culture seems to revolve around sex and romantic relationships, it's easy to feel like you're always sitting on the sidelines while everyone else is busy talking about their crushes and significant others and who's 'hot' and making sexual jokes and flirting with each other even if they aren't serious. It can definitely make one feel alienated and like it's hard to connect. This could be part of why hanging out with people one-on-one rather than in a group tends to work out better for me (that and being introverted) because it reduces the likelihood that they'll get caught up in a sexual related side-track. And possibly the one-on-one time may make it more likely to form intimate friendships.

I agree with a lot of you. I think because I'm asexual I never really got into this whole 'meeting people casually' culture like going to bars or clubs and exchanging phone numbers etc. When everyone started doing it it was to find partner and 'experiment' or whatever, but of course they also found friends. I can basically only find friends in a situation where we are forced to talk to each other on a daily basis, like at work or in study groups.

A lot of people said that they mostly have close personal friendships and less aquantances; that is true for me as well. But it's very hard to get past the small talk phase because I'm always afraid that I don't get them and they won't get me and we have nothing in common.

[SMW22792]

I feel the exact opposite. I feel like friendships now have gone deeper then ever before. Granted I treat friendships and romance almost the same.

[MeriKarhu]

I stopped giving a damn about maintaining relationships when I was 12 and haven't had friends until just this year (I'm 20), when some colleagues of mine started spending more time with me. Normally, I don't feel the need to develop friendships since I am most comfortable in my own space, with myself as my only company. For example, I would not invite anyone over to my house; that's my private place to escape to. But I would do absolutely anything for the people I call my friends. Just because I don't gravitate towards people doesn't mean I don't cherish the relationships that have been made. I think because it take so much time and effort to make friends on my part, I hold those select few people very close. And I certainly believe my understanding of friendship is deeper than their's, if only because my awareness of social intimacy is stronger.