Post compromise sex grumpiness... [graphic]

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

My partner and I have struggled to find a way to address our sexual orientation mismatch. I'm the asexual and decided that I could have sex with her maybe once a week given the right conditions.

So, she left me a note as I requested so that she could take initiative but still give me time to decide when during the day to engage in intercourse. The goal of this was to remove pressure and it did so quite effectively. I made our sexual engagement more of a massage involving me in a sexual flourish in the end and she seemed to genuinely enjoy it. I wasn't repulsed in the act nor was I distant, I was focused on helping her feel pleasure and was successful.

However, I dozed off after sex and woke up grumpy. Sometimes this happens to me with regular sleep, but this sort of grumpiness has lingered for three or four days after as well. Has anyone else had this experience? Engaging in intercourse seems to have increased my libido with no attendant increase in desire for any sort of partnered sex. Has this happened in others experiences as well?

all the best,

gray a k

[xmicahx]

Yeah I have had similar experiences before. In my case I think the post-sex mood was a side effect of my inner turmoil with what had happened and having mixed feelings about it. I didn't expect to have any emotional backlash from sex because like you I had negotiated a set of circumstances that I was ok with, I engaged in it for a number of reasons and most of them were successful, thought I had it all figured out. But these situations can be complicated. There's the separation of libido from desire, trying to reconcile your asexual identity or feelings with the act of engaging in sex, trying to figure out if you enjoyed it or if you just like her enjoying it, if it's ok or right for you to continue, if it is something you would like to open yourself up to experiencing under the same or different circumstances in the future. It's a lot to figure out really, especially for me after my first sexual experience after being asexual for years. I don't know about you, but I think my brain just kind of went meh, too confusing, I'll just go with cranky for now. I'm not the most emotionally aware or expressive guy so I figured it goes with the territory.

I also had a subsequent increase in my libido following sex, sometimes that was paired with the desire to engage in sex again and sometimes not. I'm at the stage now where I no longer identify as asexual anymore because I have engaged in sex, I have desired it, enjoyed it and plan on continuing with it (albeit cautiously and under specific conditions) in the future. I still don't feel like a 'normal' for lack of a better word, sexual person but I would say I'm in some sort of sexual recovery, where I am trying to recover or explore my sexual side even with many of my previous asexual feelings and concerns still there. I'm working through it with a psychologist experienced in sex issues and so far it's been a positive experience.

My advice, just take some time to process what you feel about it. Don't put pressure or stress on yourself to figure it out, and don't rush into or avoid a sexual experience because of this one. Just let your feelings come and go and notice them, don't judge them, and you'll be able to reconcile this experience and be confident about your future sexual decisions.

[Bad_Mr_Tree]

thanks for sharing your experience. It took some time to convince my partner that I wasn't sex repulsed and I do believe I'm not. I'll play with things a bit to see if I can avoid the post-sex grumpiness and give myself time to process it.

[ItAllMakesSense]

I agree a bit with what xmicahx was saying. For me, it was similar. I had sex for my partner but it wasn't something I would have preferred to do with our time together. I think the post-sex crummy feelings are just from getting over being selfish. I had other things in mind and might have gotten a bit annoyed that they weren't done. But I did what I did for my boo at the time so it's a give and take. Maybe you decrease your unscheduled scheduled intercourse dates a bit and replace it with other activities together to make sure you're meeting your needs too?