Husband Not Handling My Asexuality Well

[ElleW]

This is more a venting than anything, because I already know what I should do (sit down and start a conversation) but I don't have the confidence to do so yet.

Shortly after our 4th anniversary, I told my husband I'd been doing some research online and was pretty certain I was asexual. At first he said that wouldn't change our relationship as he still loved me and we weren't previously having sex anyway.

It's been about 8 months since that conversation, and our relationship has essentially fallen apart. It feels like he's my roommate now, not my spouse. He hasn't held my hand, hugged me, kissed me, or said he loves me in weeks. Probably closer to a month or two if I'm honest. We just moved across country over the summer for him to start his PhD program. I have no friends in town yet, and without any real connection with him, I feel absolutely isolated.

I haven't brought up my feelings with him yet because I don't feel like I deserve those things I'm craving. I know he wants sex, but that's not something I'm comfortable with; since he's not getting what he wants in the relationship, what right do I have to ask for what I want?

[Star Bit]

As many will probably tell you, a sexual and asexual couple is based on compromise. If you or your partner are not up for it then the obvious needs to be admitted before its too long down the road and you wished you had broken up sooner. It hurts but the sooner you get it done the sooner you have to get over it. You can either put up with sex/ set a tolerable amount (hand jobs could be an option), be ok with him having someone else sexually please him, or end it.

Also, there's a difference between demanding something from him and addressing an obvious problem. Ask him how he feels about your relationship's current state.

[imgone]

The PhD program sounds stressful/busy, is he far enough in that that could be part of it...?

Definitely talk to him. I know it can feel like "well I'm not meeting his needs so why should he meet mine" but honestly everyone deserves to feel loved in a relationship. First talk to him about his response, when he said your asexuality did not change anything about your relationship. Ask him if he's SURE it isn't bothering him, tell him it is okay if it is but that if he's avoiding holding your hand, kissing you, hugging you, and saying he loves you (That last one is huge. For a month?! Jeez.) as some sort of payback it's immature. I'm sure those are things he enjoys too, so it's a little different for you to expect those things and for him to expect sex. If it is bothering him figure out how to proceed. Another poster mentioned various compromises. Remember there are lots of different ways to create intimacy with a person so you don't feel like you're "just living together," too. Watch a movie together, make food together, go for a hike, etc.. Also make sure to tell him how he is making you feel (without being too accusatory).

I'm sorry you're going through this. Like I said: you both deserve to feel loved in your relationship, and you may yet still be able to figure something out where you'll both come away happy. Don't give up quite yet.

[ElleW]

He is busy with his PhD, but we just spent the last two years with him working on his Masters and the level of busyness feels about the same.

When we talked, I offered him the "out" of either finding a partner for a more physical relationship or ending our relationship if he couldn't deal with me being asexual. He refused to consider either of those ideas as an option. He knows I am willing to do hand jobs/oral, but I don't want him to reciprocate those things.

I'm a very tactile person. I cuddled often with my friends throughout high school and college, and suddenly being completely cut off from any sort of physical contact is really messing with me. I know I need to talk to him, and soon, I'm just struggling to get up the nerve to do it.

[Lady Girl]

It's also possible that he is afraid that kind of contact will send sexual signals to his brain and he is trying to control himself. It's something you might want to ask him about at any rate.

From my point of view (sexual in a mixed orientation relationship)...the trouble with non sexual physical intimacy can go both ways. Sometimes the asexual partner perceives it as a precursor to sexual activity and therefore refrains from it and sometimes the sexual partner is easily 'turned on' by it and may be refraining from it. It's a difficult situation to remedy (but not impossible).

It also helps to know that even if you talk it out once and think you've reached a compromise, feelings can change from day to day (or what works for a few months may suddenly not work). You might have to talk about it more than once.

[Blinkin]

If it's hard for you to get over your nerves to start a conversation try talking about that you're nervous because you want to talk about something. If he reacts it fould 'break the ice' and make talking a bit more easily.
Or say one day to him 'we need to talk'. He'll probably know what you mean. It might even be possible that he's struggling with the same thing.

[Aisntllecxtual]

I think he said he was fine with it (your asexuality) and he really wasn't and isn't. I have been married just a bit more than five years. I came out to my wife as asexual (after googling, researching) about two and a years into the marriage. She verbally responded little to this earthshaking revelation - unbelievable in reflection. If I even approached the possibility of us separating because of this challenging difference, I would get a very emotional response, why would you possibly consider this! The possibility of an open relationship, again, highly emotional, no way, unthinkable! This revelation of mine led to actions that were not good - details that I already have shamefully embarrassingly spread all over this network and will not repeat here. After the regrettable things that occurred, she verbalized a bit more and said she accepted my asexuality, but again, actions betrayed - and still do betray - differently. I really don't know what advice to give you because I seem to be in a similar quandary. Perhaps, what prompted me to post is that if misery likes company, then, maybe, solace can be found in the solidarity of similar experience. Anyway, if what I said in the very first sentence of this post is true, which, I think makes sense (the proof in the pudding is the complete withdrawal, actions speaking louder than words), then persistence in trying to break through the wall is all I can provide you in guidance (what would you expect with blind leading the blind) I am very ashamed to say. I have barely chipped the wall. I hope you have better results.

P.S. If your techniques of communication bear fruit in breaking through the repression and denial to an honest exchange, please do share - I need a glimmer of hope.

[Elderberry]

It's also possible that he is afraid that kind of contact will send sexual signals to his brain and he is trying to control himself. It's something you might want to ask him about at any rate.

From my point of view (sexual in a mixed orientation relationship)...the trouble with non sexual physical intimacy can go both ways. Sometimes the asexual partner perceives it as a precursor to sexual activity and therefore refrains from it and sometimes the sexual partner is easily 'turned on' by it and may be refraining from it. It's a difficult situation to remedy (but not impossible).

It also helps to know that even if you talk it out once and think you've reached a compromise, feelings can change from day to day (or what works for a few months may suddenly not work). You might have to talk about it more than once.

I think Lady Ghoul has some good insight here. I am an asexual woman in a mixed marriage, and after I told my husband, I withdrew from him. This led to a situation where both of us were unhappy (I like cuddlling!); he felt we were missing intimacy, and I was afraid to give it to him because I thought he would overstep. After we had explicit discussions about what I was and wasn't ok with and what he was willing to accept as intimacy, we came to a suitable compromise and are both now very happy and have been married for 4+ years.

It is possible to make it work if both you and your husband are willing to work together toward a solution!

[ElleW]

When we got home from work today, I told him that I'd really like to talk about our relationship at some point this weekend. I asked him to let me know when a good time for him would be. It's tentatively set for tomorrow afternoon and we both have errands we need to run tomorrow morning.

It's also possible that he is afraid that kind of contact will send sexual signals to his brain and he is trying to control himself. It's something you might want to ask him about at any rate.

From my point of view (sexual in a mixed orientation relationship)...the trouble with non sexual physical intimacy can go both ways. Sometimes the asexual partner perceives it as a precursor to sexual activity and therefore refrains from it and sometimes the sexual partner is easily 'turned on' by it and may be refraining from it. It's a difficult situation to remedy (but not impossible).

It also helps to know that even if you talk it out once and think you've reached a compromise, feelings can change from day to day (or what works for a few months may suddenly not work). You might have to talk about it more than once.

This is a good point and one that I have thought of before. What makes me think this isn't quite what is going on is that in the previous four years of marriage we had sex a grand total of zero times (No sex in four years? Why didn't the idea of asexuality come up before then?) and he was able to hug and kiss me without it leading to more.

What I'd really like to tell him is that we:

a) get counseling to work on our emotional connection,

b) stay married but explore other people to satisfy our different desires, or

c) get divorced

because I can't handle this limbo state of our relationship much longer. Options b and c were rejected back in February (option a wasn't discussed as he said everything was fine), but maybe he'll be more open to them this time around.

[Aisntllecxtual]

For any possibility of success, both partners must be willing to communicate honestly their feelings. Without that happening, I imploringly ask, what other possibility is there? I agree, Lady Ghoul, has very keen insight here. I have totally withdrawn from my wife out of fear she will overstep the bounds, but, also, I must admit out of unabated anger. She ignored what I was telling her and did things - perhaps, more accurately, thing - which I just can't forgive. But it is difficult to even begin a conversation about my withdrawal, about things in that past without her completely breaking down emotionally. I have pushed for counseling and she was at first very much opposed. She now is (reluctantly, to say the least) agreeable to do it for me but she does not feel the need and does not wish. Indeed, on the insurance form she wishes to keep her name out of it (reasoning: to keep her good name, to keep the possibility of her reputation being sullied if it ever was discovered by the general community she was/is engaging in therapy), as formally solely my initiative (which, I have to admit, it is but still...). She sees it as my problem, not our problem. I am the one that is dysfunctional (the word dysfunctional is my word, her word was less than that kind - can't remember what it was, perhaps, because I blocked it out?) I think in the multiple choice construct above, I must unfortunately choose option c. Elderberry and ellew, I wish you heartfelt success in your quest to make it work.

[Lady Girl]

When we got home from work today, I told him that I'd really like to talk about our relationship at some point this weekend. I asked him to let me know when a good time for him would be. It's tentatively set for tomorrow afternoon and we both have errands we need to run tomorrow morning.

It's also possible that he is afraid that kind of contact will send sexual signals to his brain and he is trying to control himself. It's something you might want to ask him about at any rate.

From my point of view (sexual in a mixed orientation relationship)...the trouble with non sexual physical intimacy can go both ways. Sometimes the asexual partner perceives it as a precursor to sexual activity and therefore refrains from it and sometimes the sexual partner is easily 'turned on' by it and may be refraining from it. It's a difficult situation to remedy (but not impossible).

It also helps to know that even if you talk it out once and think you've reached a compromise, feelings can change from day to day (or what works for a few months may suddenly not work). You might have to talk about it more than once.

This is a good point and one that I have thought of before. What makes me think this isn't quite what is going on is that in the previous four years of marriage we had sex a grand total of zero times (No sex in four years? Why didn't the idea of asexuality come up before then?) and he was able to hug and kiss me without it leading to more.

What I'd really like to tell him is that we:

a) get counseling to work on our emotional connection,

b) stay married but explore other people to satisfy our different desires, or

c) get divorced

because I can't handle this limbo state of our relationship much longer. Options b and c were rejected back in February (option a wasn't discussed as he said everything was fine), but maybe he'll be more open to them this time around.

I don't want to sound harsh, but in a way, it sounds like you want to strong arm him...that is, force him to choose one of your options. Is there a way you can tell him how you've been feeling, that you realize some of the solutions you've thought of have already been rejected by him and there's only one left in your mind (counseling). However, you are wondering if he has any suggestions as to how the two of you might move forward from this point if counseling is also something he's not willing to do.

As far as divorce goes, that is clearly an option you can choose without his consent (if that's what you really want), but the exploring other people to satisfy your desires simply may not be something he's comfortable with...I know I'm not.

You said that the idea of asexuality hadn't come up before and wondered why it would make a difference now (less hugging and kissing)...sometimes the new knowledge of a partner being asexual forces a person to rethink things, get used to a more concrete idea/explanation, and go through a series of feelings in regards to it. Some of what is happening may be due to him processing the idea of asexuality.

It's also possible that he isn't aware of the range of likes and dislikes different asexual people have and he may simply have assumed that one of the reasons you even told him in the first place was so that he wouldn't make any kind of advances towards you at all (in his mind, the only safe moves are the ones you make).

I'm just throwing some ideas out there, and again, please take my first sentence with a grain of salt (it's just how the list of options came across to me...a bit like an ultimatum). I hope your talk tomorrow helps resolve some of the issues you're dealing with. I've been in limbo before too and it's not easy!

[Guest]

Sorry to disrupt the flow but I'm just going to move this to Asexual Relationships.

Also I'll point out that I agree with LG. I don't think you need to force him to pick one of the three options yet. I'd talk it out first.

[Ficulnean]

Just based on reading the first post, he probably wants to hold hands and the like, so the punishing yourself by not asking for what you want because he's not getting what he wants isn't exactly a fair comparision. You probably both want physical contact.

[ElleW]

Rereading the three options, I suppose it does sound harsh or like an ultimatum in writing, but in person I am one of the least harsh or forceful people in existence. I'm generally a pathetic pushover.

As far as not making him choose one of those three options, what should we do? I feel like the only other option is to continue in the exact manner we have been for the past 8 months:
Us having conversations where I explain how lost I'm feeling in the relationship, him saying that he "completely understands" me, apologizing for the lack of affection, giving me hugs and kisses for a few days (but often still not saying he loves me), and then going back to not touching me at all for weeks until I completely break down again.

It's a cycle that we can't break free of. It's not that we've gone 8 months without discussing my asexuality and its impact on our relationship (which it may have sounded like from my previous posts); I really feel at this point (for my personal emotional well-being) we either need to bring in a professional of some sort for help or work toward separating from each other.

It's not just less hugging and kissing, it honestly is nonexistent for weeks. It's been about a month and the only hugs I've received are from the first graders I teach. And it's not even the lack of physical contact that's killing me; it's him not telling me he loves me for months that is the truly painful part.

[Elaine Watson]

Try to tell him that you feel like it is not working, then listing what is missing, how much, and how important it is to you. Try to portray the situation as fully as you can from your perspective. Let him know that you see three solutions for it (list the three you said here), and that you don't wish for it to stay the same - but also let him speak up with his own suggestions. Personally, I also advise you to not tell him to choose a solution right that moment - give him two or three days to think about it, at the very least. After this period of a few days, ask him whether if he has a suggestion, and what solution he wants to try. I also recommend you actually use the word "try" - it makes the risk lesser, calms you both down, and makes you both able to try different solutions, not over-committing to an option.

Also, you list option A as counseling. I think that is the wrong approach. Counseling is a frightening word, and a big commitment. It may also be overkill. I suggest you start with the idea of compromise - setting a plan by yourselves as to how it would work, but avoiding bringing up a bridging party. The plan could be about setting a schedule for when you cater more for your preferences and when more to his. Or it could be about what you are willing to do and what he is willing to give up. Anything, really. As long as it helps keep both of you satisfied.

Please note that I have never been in a mixed relationship, but that I have been known to counsel my sexual friends about their relationships.

[ElleW]

"Hey, can we talk tomorrow instead? I want to watch this football game."

Looks at tv. Current score is 0-52

"Whatever."

I have a feeling this conversation isn't going to happen.

[Lady Girl]

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble getting a conversation going...I've had that problem plenty of times too. I think for me, my husband feels as though the discussion is always going to leave him feeling like he's failed or let me down. And I can see why, as sometimes I cry or become upset. He usually thinks about what I've said though, and like your situation he tries for awhile and then lapses again.

In retrospect, I think things go more smoothly when I am more consistent with reminders and calmer about it. So in a way, I guess I drop the ball too and that contributes to a bad cycle similar to yours. I've also written notes to him and that can be fairly well taken and I'm more likely to say exactly what I want.

I know the feeling of the awful cycle and I hope that you do get out of it, even if it means separating.

[ElleW]

We finally sat down and talked. I explained how I'm feeling and was told "It's not that big a deal" and to "stop overreacting". I'm a mess and don't see this relationship going anywhere positive.

[Lady Girl]

We finally sat down and talked. I explained how I'm feeling and was told "It's not that big a deal" and to "stop overreacting". I'm a mess and don't see this relationship going anywhere positive.

I'm sorry it didn't go well. I know these things are hard and it's horrible to feel bad, but sometimes that's what it takes to make a change for the better. If you don't see a future for the relationship I hope the breakup isn't awful.

An option that hasn't been mentioned is a temporary split. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it does...