Looking for some input regarding asexual relationships

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

Hello,

I have posted a few times on the "partners, friends and allies" board. I am looking for some input from people who are asexual.

First....a bit of background.....It is my belief that my wife is asexual. Actually, I am positive of it. My question centers around something that I notice in the posts from others who are dating or married to asexual people. It seems like there is often a very different sense of what it means to compromise when it comes to the issue of sex. Considering I am highly attracted to my wife and think about sex every time we are together, going 7 days without some type of physical touch is very difficult. Going a month is torturous.

I understand that my wife doesn't enjoy sex. But she does a LOT of things that she doesn't enjoy. So do I. What I don't understand is why we can't even come to some type of agreement on something a notch or two below full sex. I would be happy if she lent a "hand" once a week...or once every other week....or she offered to give me a massage ever (never offered once even though she knows I love it). It is hard for me to see her spend a night doing one chore after another in an ok mood and then look at me like I asked her to do something horrible when I suggest a romantic evening.

So, here is my question.....Can someone help me understand the thought process a bit behind what I explained above? While I would love to alter the nature of our relationship somewhat (to include more physical contact), at this point I would be happy if I could just understand it. She doesn't like to talk about sex. Why would someone be willing to do a LOT of things she doesn't like, often going way out of her way to help others, yet not be willing to help me with something that I feel is important not only to me, but to our relationship? We otherwise have a very good relationship.

[canguy]

We all do things we don't enjoy, things we have to do but we'd really rather not. However sex is not one of those things, if someone doesn't want to do it then they don't because pressuring someone to have sex is different then pressuring them to see that movie with you that you know she really doesn't like. Sex is not something you do just to help someone out. Straight people do not have sex with people of the same gender even if the other person really "needs" it because that is fundamentally against their sexuality. If she's repulsed by sex then she never wants to do and unlike going to see the 4th Rocky movie its not just a compromise because you can't compromise on sex. If she's doesn't want sex, ever, then having sex when she essentially doesn't consent is rape. Although some asexuals are willing to have sex if your wife wishes to remain celibate then thats her choice, it really has nothing to with helping you out because thats not how it works. You may want to talk to her about this, I and everyone else can give you all the advise in the world but we don't know you or your wife and so we really can't speak for her. Good luck.

[Guest]

There are asexuals who give their partner sex, and even enjoy the sex themselves while they are having it. There are asexuals (like myself) who find giving sex utterly uncomfortable, painful, boring, wrong on all levels, yet love sensuality, intimacy, even kink (though these I can only desire or enjoy with the person I am in love with).. There are asexuals who detest all forms of touch, and have no desire for sex or hand holding or massages or anything.. and there are numerous other variations as well!! Anyway,what I'm trying to say, is that asexuality comes in all sorts of different shapes and sizes, and unless you are able to actually TALK to your wife, you'll never know exactly what it is she wants or needs (or doesn't want and need), what exactly she is and is not able to compromise on (if anything) or whether or not she is even asexual! (I say this because you said you are sure she is asexual, you didn't say that she told you she is asexual. A person can only decide for themselves if they are asexual, someone else cannot make that conclusion for them)

I honestly think it's your wife that you need to talk to, as opposed to strangers on a forum .. people here can say anything and everything to you, give you all sorts of advice and tips and share personal experiences etc.. yet.. we aren't her. we don't know what she is thinking or feeling.

And yes, when it comes to sexual compromise, I agree with canguy.. Giving someone sex, when you don't want sex, is entirely different from doing the dishes when you don't want to do them. Before I learned about asexuality, I was in a sexual relationship for 5 years.. and giving sex when you don't want to.. it hurts right inside your soul (for me it does anyway) ..it makes me want to scream and cry and run.. yet doing a massive pile of dishes that I didn't even use in the first place .. it annoys me... but it doesn't.. hurt me inside, on a deeply emotional level. Same goes for any sexual act: giving or receiving oral (which I never wanted but felt I had to do because it was expected of me by my ex partner) touching in places I wasn't comfortable with.. it feels so much different than vacuuming or doing dishes or even cleaning up someone else's puke... That's what it's like for me anyway. It's something deeply, deeply personal, whereas dishes are just.. dishes.

sorry, that probably wasn't any help at all, but yeah, all I'm really saying is, I think you need to find a way to talk with your wife. try writing her a letter or email or something, to describe your feelings? sometimes it is easier to talk about these things in text, than in person

if sex is something that makes someone deeply uncomfortable to talk about. That's just a suggestion though.

Good luck

EDIT: re. the letter/email that I mentioned, I meant more to ask her the questions you want to ask.. to try and find a way to open the paths of communication so you can understand her, as opposed to telling her what you are thinking and feeling (though this of course is important too) . Whatever you do, try not to make her feel pressured,just try to make it clear that you are trying to understand what she is feeling to start with. She is the only person who can truly help you understand what she is feeling inside, but you need to be able to find some way to talk with her about it first

[Glad-I-Found-This-Site]

Thank you for the responses. I hope that my comments about doing things you don't want to do (like a night of chores) sounded unsympathetic or rude. I don't mean to make light of how asexual people feel, or try to connect it to something completely unrelated. Rather, in my quest to try to understand this situation, I am just trying to look at it from as many angles as possible and try to draw some analogies that might help me make sense of it. If my analogies are bad, please tell me. That is why I am here.

As for talking to her, I have tried many times. In my limited time on this forum, I have seen several other people who have had similar experiences regarding the partner's unwillingness or inability to explain their perspective. If I were to draw some themes from our past conversations, this would be it:

1) She doesn't get a lot from sex.

2) However, she says that, at times, it can be good. She says it hard to get her going, but once she is going, it is good.

3) She doesn't have orgasms, and she doesn't care at all. It isn't something that is important to her.

4) Masturbation holds no interest to her. She doesn't care about having an orgasm, so she doesn't see the point.

5) She says that she understands my perspective, and she has said on many occasions that she will make time for me, but that never happens...or at least not on any regular basis.

6) I can tell that sex is something she has to psyche herself up for. On nights that we do something, I can tell that it is coming because she hangs out and watches TV on top of the covers. Then she continues watching later than normal. I get this sense that she is holding out until she can't hold out any longer. Then she turns to me, says something, and things begin. But that long period of waiting is awkward, and I can tell that it isn't a fluid process like it would be for me.

7) At certain points, she mentioned that we had sex more when we first met because life was different back then and that we have so many more responsibilities now. I then offered to take over a HUGE chunk of her responsibilities in exchange for more time together -- all cooking, all cleaning, all shopping (I do a lot of this now...but I was offering "all"), and she declined. That is when I knew that sex was really something that she didn't enjoy. She HATES all of those tasks, and would pretty much do anything to get out of them. Yet sex once a week for 20 minutes was way too much to exchange.

I know that I should be looking at this from her perspective...and I am trying to. I guess I am still caught in this cycle of looking at things from my perspective and how her lack of affection affects me. I have high self esteem, but I admit that this situation takes me to lows at points that I had never experienced. It is tough to swallow the fact that the person you have dedicated your life to isn't attracted to you sexually.

[Ficulnean]

I know I would want everything I do with a partner to be meaningful. If I don't find sex meaningful and am doing activities related to it more often, then it's not like doing a chore. It's like taking meaning away from my relationship.

I'd say the best approach is a very very slow integration for small things. And pair it with stuff she likes, if possible. If not, follow with stuff she likes.

[Leera]

I wish I had soem useful info to offer,but my boyfriend and I are both non sexual.

My ex husband and I used to argue constantly about sex,he was what you would call hypersexual...having a constant need and desire for sex,and never being satisfied..

A little over a year ago we chose to open our marriage to being Polyamourus. While this solved the issue of me not wanting to have sex,it also opened up all the reasons why our marriage was failing.

I just could not bring myself to want to have sex with him. It takes so much out of me mentally and emotionally that I just couldn't anymore.He became mentally and emotionally abusive due to my lack of interest in sex.He would put me down,talk down to me,tell me I was faking it,tell me all sorts of things out of anger.

[Guest]

@ Leera. ugh..sorry to hear that :(

I know how you feel. My sexual ex (who I was with for 5 years) also became abusive; sexually, emotionally, mentally.. he was just so angry all the time. What made it worse was that I was suffering giving him sex twice a day, every day, whatever he wanted, but it just wasn't ever enough because he couldn't understand why I didn't 'want' the sex. he said I must be cheating or something, or else I would want sex with him and be able to orgasm. I also went through the pain of.. polygamy, in the hopes of helping him calm down and to take some of the pressure off me. He had another full time girlfriend for 3 years (we both lived with him) as well as him having sex with multiple other females whenever he wanted. But meh, for some people nothing is ever enough.

I left him (well, I ran away) in 2011 when pregnant with our second child, because I knew witnessing emotional abuse was not healthy for my children (I was on the pill but he refused to use protection and the amount of times I was having to have sex, pregnancy was bound to happen >.<). I learned about asexuality for the first time in 2013 and can happily say that I now have an amazing a-sexual relationship with the sweetest, kindest, most amazing ace guy I have ever met :) yaaay! we will have been together for 9 months in three days :3

@ Glad I Found This Place: sorry, that was a little off topic :o . Glad I Found This Place sounds a great deal more understanding than many other sexual partners I have met here (I often hear the old 'how can I get him/her to have sex with me? can't he/she understand that it's something I need?') *sigh* .. from what you explained, she does sound rather asexual. I wish you luck, and hope you can find a mutually satisfying resolution for both you and your wife.

[Frigid Pink]

Whatever you do, try not to make her feel pressured,just try to make it clear that you are trying to understand what she is feeling to start with.

I personally don't respond well to pressure (especially when it concerns sexual activity), as in, it pushes me away from someone emotionally. I've been able to engage in (and even enjoy) certain sexual activities with a romantic partner, however, that didn't happen and wasn't a possibility if I felt pressured about it.

[scarletlatitude]

There is such a thing as asexual but still romantic. I am generally asexual (might consider it with the right person) but I am definitely romantic. I want the relationship without so much of the sexy part. Maybe your wife is attracted to you, and just doesn't like sex? If that is the case then you know at least that it isn't you. She likes you; she just doesn't like sex.

A lot of asexual people also feel pressure to fit in with everyone else. It is similar to what gay or lesbian people feel. Sometimes we want so badly to be like everyone else that we force ourselves to fit the mold. That is, until we realize that we can't fit in, and then we find some other place to fit. Consider that when you think about your wife. She may not know where she fits, and she maybe is trying to act like a "normal" person would act.

[MadRat]

From my perspective (I´m asexual very much repulsed by sex): why can I do other things I don´t enjoy but never sex? Because sex is for me degrading, brutal, invasive, violent, horrible, scarry thing. Other things like cleaning the flat, cooking, shopping etc. are just boring.

But your wife sounds pretty selfish. It seems to me like she is not even willing to discuss some non-sexual stuff she might do for you, like massages. I honestly don´t get why she is even in a relationship because she sounds like total aromantic, asexual "Sheldon" unable to understand not only your sexual needs, but your romantic, emotional needs too.

[PatheticGirl]

Your post remind me of a friend. His wife is wonderful daughter-in-law but he says is horrible wife. He says she doesn't care about him but I've seen her to do everything for his family. She is always present for his parents and siblings even in his absence. And I don't understand why that would be so if she doesn't love him.

Similarly, your wife is doing lot just to make you happy because she loves you.

Regarding sexuals and asexuals; we are like standing on different poles of thinking and can never put ourselves into each others shoes to understand. Same act is taken by sexual and asexual in different way

[Sally]

Sex is not like doing the dishes, because no one is demanding (or even wishing) that you enjoyed doing the dishes. What's so often tiring and distressing to some asexuals is that their sexual partner wants them to WANT sex with the partner. We can't deliberately change our feelings about sex. Just as sexuals can't change their feelings about sex.

[LibSci129]

I know that I should be looking at this from her perspective...and I am trying to. I guess I am still caught in this cycle of looking at things from my perspective and how her lack of affection affects me. I have high self esteem, but I admit that this situation takes me to lows at points that I had never experienced. It is tough to swallow the fact that the person you have dedicated your life to isn't attracted to you sexually.

My husband and I are in a very similar situation. He's the sexual one, whereas I've recently discovered I'm asexual. I can understand your frustration and hurt. I obviously don't know you or your wife, but I can honestly tell you I feel horrible that I can't give my husband the the physical intimacy that he wants. I'm just not into it. I love my husband, he's my best friend and I can not imagine being without him. But at the same time, even though he knows I love him, he second guesses himself as well thinking I'm not attracted to him or don't want him.

I can also tell you that your wife's lack of wanting to do anything may be because she thinks it'll lead to you wanting sex afterwards. So she may be just avoiding all physical intimacy in order to avoid the subject of sex and having to refuse you. To me making out, massages, and other acts are just precursors to sex so I tend to avoid them all. I hope this helps, but as I'm still trying to figure things out, I am far from being an expert.

[Guest]

I know that I should be looking at this from her perspective...and I am trying to. I guess I am still caught in this cycle of looking at things from my perspective and how her lack of affection affects me. I have high self esteem, but I admit that this situation takes me to lows at points that I had never experienced. It is tough to swallow the fact that the person you have dedicated your life to isn't attracted to you sexually.

My husband and I are in a very similar situation. He's the sexual one, whereas I've recently discovered I'm asexual. I can understand your frustration and hurt. I obviously don't know you or your wife, but I can honestly tell you I feel horrible that I can't give my husband the the physical intimacy that he wants. I'm just not into it. I love my husband, he's my best friend and I can not imagine being without him. But at the same time, even though he knows I love him, he second guesses himself as well thinking I'm not attracted to him or don't want him.

I can also tell you that your wife's lack of wanting to do anything may be because she thinks it'll lead to you wanting sex afterwards. So she may be just avoiding all physical intimacy in order to avoid the subject of sex and having to refuse you. To me making out, massages, and other acts are just precursors to sex so I tend to avoid them all. I hope this helps, but as I'm still trying to figure things out, I am far from being an expert.

exactly this. gosh I had forgotten what it was like, it was so long ago now that I was in a relationship with a sexual. I love intimacy and sensuality, but I wouldn't touch him or cuddle him or anything because I knew that any of that would lead to sex, or at least him wanting sex which I would have to refuse and risk his anger, or give, even though I already had to give him sex every day (the relationship was abusive, so, different than the ones mentioned here in that sense but the same in the whole shutting off affection thing

I shut myself down from any form of intimate touch, cuddles, even speaking 'nicely' (I just wouldn't say anything) because any of that might make him horny >.<

even just saying that made me feel all gross and wrong haha..even the idea of being affectionate towards him *still* makes my body go into shut down mode (I left him in 2011 after 5 years).

However I find now that I am more romantic and sensual than I ever thought I was... I met my asexual partner in December last year and.. honestly.. that.. *relief* ..it's like a massive weight was lifted off my shoulders, knowing that nothing I could ever do would lead him to wanting sex, which I would either have to refuse and see his hurt, or give and experience my own hurt.. now I could walk around the house naked (which I wouldn't, I'm certainly no Meagan Fox haha) I could grope him, fondle him, anything.. and though he would feel harassed I imagine, none of it would lead to him wanting sex. (I wouldn't do that to him by the way, not in a mean way anyway heh, I was just trying to illustrate my point)

So yeah, what I was saying is, I completely relate to the whole 'shutting off all affection' as a protective measure to avoid ones partner wanting sex.