I don't -think- I'm asexual, but... (not explicit, but some details)

[tooslowsadchristmas]

Hi everyone! New here and not sure if I'm even anywhere on the asexual spectrum, but I'd love some insight one me+sexuality, and I think you guys might have useful perspectives to offer.

So. I'm 27 and a virgin, but have a pretty high sex drive and masturbate often, usually using erotica/porn/some sort of sexual fantasizing. (Now there's an introductory sentence for you. I love the internet.) As a mostly straight woman I fantasize about doing explicit and sexual things to men's and once in a while women's body parts, and I enjoy thinking about sex and having orgasms so much that usually it just seems like a no brainer that I'm not remotely close to asexual.

But.

A few years ago an attractive guy and I spent 24 hours together on one of those stay-up-all-night-talking dates. It was great, I was relaxed and feeling good about myself, and thrilled about this great guy and definitely feeling the dopamine. We ended up at his very cushy apartment with him on top of me on a very comfy couch. I hadn't had sex before, but I was comfortable and confident enough that I'd told him I was a virgin several hours before and he was cool about that. He started touching me gently. I looked up at his face. I still found him attractive -- and not just in a societal-standards-of-beauty way, but definitely my specific type. But I felt absolutely nothing sexually -- no arousal, tension, or excitement, or anticipation, or even nervousness. He stroked my wrist and I realised that my pulse wasn't even up. He was a gentleman about it and we cuddled vaguely for a little while and then went to sleep.

I don't know what happened there, and it seems like the same thing is happening now with a guy I've been dating for several months. When I'm with him I've noticed my body language is clearly flirty, so love-hormone stuff is going on (plus I like him romantically, obviously), but I have no desire to actually touch him sexually. And then I go home and get off to the idea of (not to be indelicate) Cock, but when I try and imagine him attached to said Cock I'm actually de-aroused. I've realised that it's not just him, either -- I know who I find hot (as opposed to merely aesthetically appealing), but I've never felt the desire to have sex with these people (whether it's celebrities, people on the street, people I know, etc), and they don't really play a role in my sexual fantasizing.

Anyone experienced anything similar? What do you think is going on here? Possible demisexuality? Reverse demisexuality? Is there a form of asexuality where you're attracted to body parts, or the idea of a man/woman, or the thought of sexual situations, but not to actual people -- or is this another instance of the Perils of Porn? Or am I just romantically attracted to people I'm not sexually attracted to... but some other people out there exist that I could be sexually attracted to and I just haven't met them yet, or paid enough attention? Any help/advice welcome! Thanks.

[Ficulnean]

Hmm . . . this has come up as a secondary issue with some people. I would look at the term lithoromantic if I were you . . . or is it lithromantic?

[tooslowsadchristmas]

Hmm . . . this has come up as a secondary issue with some people. I would look at the term lithoromantic if I were you . . . or is it lithromantic?

I'd not heard that term before, how interesting! Thanks for that.

I'm not sure if that's it, though. If I'm getting the concept right, lithromantics feel romantic towards others but don't want reciprocation? For me, I'd definitely want romantic reciprocation. And I don't know that I'd be lith-sexual either, since a lot of my fantasies have to do with being the recipient of sexual attention too. Definitely something to think about, though!

[The Wreyck]

Sounds like potential asexual with some genital fetishes to me. Asexuality is to not desire sex WITH another person. That sounds like you don't desire sex or can even be sexually attracted to an actual person, but you have a sex drive and the genitals and surrounding fantasies are a part of that.

[Ficulnean]

Hmm . . . this has come up as a secondary issue with some people. I would look at the term lithoromantic if I were you . . . or is it lithromantic?

I'd not heard that term before, how interesting! Thanks for that.

I'm not sure if that's it, though. If I'm getting the concept right, lithromantics feel romantic towards others but don't want reciprocation? For me, I'd definitely want romantic reciprocation. And I don't know that I'd be lith-sexual either, since a lot of my fantasies have to do with being the recipient of sexual attention too. Definitely something to think about, though!

Okay. The post under this then actually makes sense, even in explaining why I'd have recomended lithromantic, when you start thinking about it. :)

[Elaine Watson]

I'd say that you are asexual - you basically described me, and I am asexual.

Yes, I have an intense libido. Yes, I may sometimes use erotica as aid. No, I have no desire to have sex with anyone. And while I may fantasize about (to be delicate) Cats and/or Roosters, when they are attached to any person who is a person to me, it does not work. It can be my super-hot friend, whom I really love (platonically) and want to date (romantically). It can be the girl who was ideal to me in terms of looks. It can be Emma Watson, of whom I have seen a lot and fancied. But the moment the body is attached to a personality, and is not just there for erotic purposes - that is the moment at which I cannot use it. I am not sexually aroused by anyone who is a person to me. Is that how you feel? If so, I have two things to say:

1. Congrats, I will gladly recognize your asexuality! (if you decide you are asexual)

2. PM me. You seem to be both an interesting person and like me. Which is good ;)

Good luck with your self-discovery!

[That Ginger Kid]

I'm pretty new to this whole biz, but you sound pretty asexual. You don't have to not have desires and all, just not be sexually attracted to a person. I'm still getting used to all the things the term "asexual" covers, honestly.. It's a wide spectrum, with the common ground of no sexual attraction.

Anyhow, if asexuality seems to fit you, welcome to the club :)

[imgone]

Definitely agreeing with all the posts here. Also wanna point out it definitely does not sound like demisexuality, in fact it sounds almost like the reverse. If it were demisexuality you might start finding those people attractive after forming a bond with them but that does not seem the case here.

[tooslowsadchristmas]

Thanks for all your replies! And for being such welcoming lovely people. :) From your responses it sounds like I have a lot of thinking to do!

I'd say that you are asexual - you basically described me, and I am asexual.

Yes, I have an intense libido. Yes, I may sometimes use erotica as aid. No, I have no desire to have sex with anyone. And while I may fantasize about (to be delicate) Cats and/or Roosters, when they are attached to any person who is a person to me, it does not work. It can be my super-hot friend, whom I really love (platonically) and want to date (romantically). It can be the girl who was ideal to me in terms of looks. It can be Emma Watson, of whom I have seen a lot and fancied. But the moment the body is attached to a personality, and is not just there for erotic purposes - that is the moment at which I cannot use it. I am not sexually aroused by anyone who is a person to me. Is that how you feel?

I can't tell you how awesome it is to hear that you have similar experiences. I'm not sure exactly how similar, but it'd be cool (and really helpful for me) to find out. For me, I think (though I may be wrong) that I do desire to have sex with "someone"... it's just that that "someone" is not anyone I have met or seen (yet?). When I fantasize sexually it's not just about bodies, it's often about personalities too -- someone masculine, often someone dominant but caring, someone playful and charming etc (i.e. often my sexual fantasies are romantic fantasies). They're just never about a specific person that I know or know of.

I suppose that has allowed me to hope that I will meet someone whose specific body, personality, etc will be the realization of these fantasies -- which is part of why I thought (or hoped) that I might be demisexual. My experiences with people I've dated in reality so far don't back up that theory, but I haven't dated all that many people, so maybe things could be different with the right person. Is that wishful thinking?

You don't have to not have desires and all, just not be sexually attracted to a person. I'm still getting used to all the things the term "asexual" covers, honestly.. It's a wide spectrum, with the common ground of no sexual attraction.

Yeah, it is slightly mind-boggling to think that someone who has as intense sexual-romantic fantasies as I do might have no sexual attraction in reality! Especially since my sexual-romantic fantasies are, pretty much by definition, fantasies of not being asexual (i.e. fantasies/hopes that I will experience emotionally and sexually fulfilling sexual encounters)?

I'm wary of saying this, because AFAIK many (most?) people who identify as asexual see this as an orientation -- which, from my experience with LGBTQ orientation issues, implies that questions like why am I this way and can I change it can be hurtful and offensive and de-legitimating. I have huge amounts of respect for people who are proud of and happy with their orientations. But right now, speaking for myself alone, I'm kind of hoping that I won't turn out to be asexual. Has anyone ever felt that way too, and how did/do you deal with it?

[Elaine Watson]

I can't tell you how awesome it is to hear that you have similar experiences. I'm not sure exactly how similar, but it'd be cool (and really helpful for me) to find out. For me, I think (though I may be wrong) that I do desire to have sex with "someone"... it's just that that "someone" is not anyone I have met or seen (yet?). When I fantasize sexually it's not just about bodies, it's often about personalities too -- someone masculine, often someone dominant but caring, someone playful and charming etc (i.e. often my sexual fantasies are romantic fantasies). They're just never about a specific person that I know or know of.

I suppose that has allowed me to hope that I will meet someone whose specific body, personality, etc will be the realization of these fantasies -- which is part of why I thought (or hoped) that I might be demisexual. My experiences with people I've dated in reality so far don't back up that theory, but I haven't dated all that many people, so maybe things could be different with the right person. Is that wishful thinking?

What do you mean by "personality"? Is that a general way they act, such as being dominant and controlling? Is that something more specific, going into detail about how they would act in each set of circumstances? Maybe it is even so specific that if you were to tell an actor in detail, they could practically be that fantasy personality?

The first suggestion, just a vague personality, is always present in my fantasies, as I need the body to be more than a body, to do things. I would not call it a personality myself, because it is so vague. The other two suggestions, I would recognize as personalities - and if you have that sort of personality in your fantasies, you are quite a bit different from me. Although I did have fantasies closer to that, on rare occasions.

My suggestion is to ask yourself as many questions as you can. The more you know, the better you can understand yourself, I believe.

[tooslowsadchristmas]

I can't tell you how awesome it is to hear that you have similar experiences. I'm not sure exactly how similar, but it'd be cool (and really helpful for me) to find out. For me, I think (though I may be wrong) that I do desire to have sex with "someone"... it's just that that "someone" is not anyone I have met or seen (yet?). When I fantasize sexually it's not just about bodies, it's often about personalities too -- someone masculine, often someone dominant but caring, someone playful and charming etc (i.e. often my sexual fantasies are romantic fantasies). They're just never about a specific person that I know or know of.

I suppose that has allowed me to hope that I will meet someone whose specific body, personality, etc will be the realization of these fantasies -- which is part of why I thought (or hoped) that I might be demisexual. My experiences with people I've dated in reality so far don't back up that theory, but I haven't dated all that many people, so maybe things could be different with the right person. Is that wishful thinking?

What do you mean by "personality"? Is that a general way they act, such as being dominant and controlling? Is that something more specific, going into detail about how they would act in each set of circumstances? Maybe it is even so specific that if you were to tell an actor in detail, they could practically be that fantasy personality?

The first suggestion, just a vague personality, is always present in my fantasies, as I need the body to be more than a body, to do things. I would not call it a personality myself, because it is so vague. The other two suggestions, I would recognize as personalities - and if you have that sort of personality in your fantasies, you are quite a bit different from me. Although I did have fantasies closer to that, on rare occasions.

My suggestion is to ask yourself as many questions as you can. The more you know, the better you can understand yourself, I believe.

It's not just a vague personality, definitely some details about how they'd act, so sometimes I'll base it on a fictional character as a ready-made object of fantasy. Sometimes it's even based on a character from a TV show... but I usually try not to think too much about the actor's face. Maybe because it becomes too real then. So maybe more of a personality is involved than with you, but still not quite an actual person.

Thanks for these questions! You're right, the more I think about it the more I'm noticing how complex sexuality is. And how I guess I don't do things the way a "typical" sexual probably would.

[bonny]

I found this thread interesting, as I'm considering some similar-ish things in my own fantasies. As a side comment, it's nice to hear about a guy (the one you turned out to be not-aroused-by) being so respectful of a woman not wanting to have sex.